When I'm Gone

Kate's POV

I wake up in the middle of the night to a furnace next to me, only slightly remembering Louis was sleeping next to me with his arms wrapped tight around me, his legs draped over mine. I try to wriggle free, but he's like a boa constrictor, the more you fight, the tighter his grip gets.

“Louis.” I silently plead with him in the dark. “Louis.”

“Mmm.” Is all he responds, so I'm assuming he's at least acknowledging me.

“I'm on fire. Let me go.” I manage to twist my body so my back is on the mattress.

“No.” He's voice groggy with sleep.

“I'm sweating.” I whine.

“I love you Eleanor.” He mumbles and as soon as the words leave his mouth, I freeze. I slowly turn my head to see his eyes are wide open, obviously knowing what just happened. “Did I just say that out loud?”

“Yep.” I finally manage to break free from his grip and scoot to the edge of the bed, turning my back to him.

“Kate.” He reaches out to me but I move my shoulder away from him. “Kate, I didn't mean to say that.”

“It's fine Louis, we're both tired. Go back to sleep.” I lie. I can't pretend like that didn't hurt. I've told him a million times I don't want to move too fast. I don't want to push him to be with me after he's been with Eleanor. He was with her for years, you can't get over that in just a few weeks.

“I'm sorry.” I know he's upset at his slip up.

“It's fine Louis.” I say yet again. I don't want him to feel bad but I mean, he's in my bed and he's not only saying I love you, but he's saying I love you Eleanor.

“Will you scoot back over here and cuddle?” He asks, his voice meek.

“You're too sweaty, I can't sleep.” It's the truth, but to be honest I just don't want to be close to him at the moment.

“Well good night.” He whispers almost hopefully that I'll change my mind.

“Night.” I turn to my stomach and face my head away from him, hearing him let out a huff of breath in frustration. I close my eyes, trying to ignore this desperate feeling in the pit of my stomach. How I'm going to fall asleep tonight is a mystery.

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When my alarm buzzes in the morning, I quickly remember that Olivia still needs to go to school today. In the States, the Friday after Thanksgiving is free from school, but it's obviously not a national holiday here in Great Britain.

I stretch in bed looking to my left to see Louis sleeping peacefully next to me, slightly drooling out of the corner of his mouth. I quietly peel myself out of bed and pick up the clothes I set out the night before before I tip-toe to my bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

Everything goes quickly. Apparently Louis can sleep through anything because I've showered, blow dried my hair, gotten Olivia dressed, made breakfast and out the door before he even comes down. I know how exhausting their schedule can be so I tried to be quiet, and the guys didn't talk about anything on the schedule for today so I figured I'd just let him sleep.

When I return home from school I'm greeted with Louis eating cereal at the kitchen island.

“Hey.” His voice is quiet, I'm assuming remembering last nights events. “Why didn't you wake me?”

“I figured you were sleeping, you needed it.” I simply explain as I hang up my purse and coat.

“Fair enough. Look, I'm sorry about what I said last night.” There, it's out.

“Honestly Louis, it's fine. I 'm not going to lie it upset me last night but you were sleeping. Sometimes we just say dumb things.” I start grabbing the dirty bowls from Olivia and I's breakfast this morning to load into the dishwasher.

“I don't love her anymore.” He doesn't look at me.

“It's okay if you do. You were with her for a really long time. You can't just get over someone like that. It hasn't even been a month.” I shut the dishwasher and lean against the sink.

“Well I love her, but I haven't been in love with her for a long time.” He pushes his bowl away.

“I just don't want us to move too fast Louis. I don't want you to confuse your feeling for Eleanor with your feelings for me.”

“I know. I like what we have going, I don't want to rush it.” He stands and picks up his bowl, motioning for me to move out of the way so he can clean it up.

“Then lets not rush it.” I know I have this sympathetic look on my face, I just want him to understand.

“What do you mean Kate?”

“Well.” I start but suddenly can't find words. “Maybe we should just be friends for a while. You know?”

“For how long?”

“I don't know. Until the time is right?” I don't even know what I'm saying right now.

“So you don't want to be just us two?” Worry. Great. Louis' face is full of worry and concern.

“Well, eventually. But you know it will never be just us too, Olivia will always be here. I just want to make the right decisions for us.” I try to reassure him but I feel like I'm also talking to myself.

“I know. I'll always want you two around. To be honest it doesn't feel right without Olivia around.” Louis admits to me and I just smile. “Can I ask you a question?”

I bite my lip just a bit as I'm feeling reserved. “Sure.”

“Do you still love James?” I look away quickly as to not give it away with my face.

“I'll always love James. He's the father of my child. He'll always be a part of me and a part of her. I grew up with him. He was my first everything. I think that every time you fall in love with someone, you always keep a piece of them with you even if you say you don't love them. You are with them for long enough and you share so many memories with them, it's hard to just walk away.” I find myself thinking of things that James and I did. Like when he proposed to me, in the winter of all things. He lived in the third floor of his apartment building and it had just snowed so he woke up early and walked “Will you Marry me?” in the snow. I literally cried so much I couldn't even answer him. I just stuck my shaky hand out and he put the ring on my trembling finger. Or the first time he saw me in my wedding dress, I'll never forget his face. Or the first time he held our daughter after she was born. He had so much love and admiration for her already, he would just hold her and sway back and forth singing to her, holding her little hand. I can only imagine how different my life would be if he was still here, I still wish he was here sometimes, but I remember that part of my life is over now and the best gift James ever gave me was Olivia.

“I agree. I have a special place in my heart for people.” He nods in agreement, pulling me back into a conversation that I forgot about.

I hop on the counter, still thinking about James. I almost damn Louis for bringing him up.

“So we're just friends that don't see other people, right?” His face lights up just a little bit and I can't help but laugh, that's what he does best.

“Sure Louis. I won't see any other friends while I'm friends with you.” I put the word friends in air quotations as I know exactly what he's talking about. He sends me a wink that just makes my stomach lurch.

What am I letting him do to me?

Notes

OMG, someone pulled the fire alarm, I'm up way too early for a Saturday. Hopefully I can at least take a nap today, I'm one of those people who once they're up, they're up. Booooo.

BUT! Just means an earlier weekend update! And yesterday, in class, I got a huge idea for the ending, so lets just say we're getting there. And I know exactly how it's happening. But I'm not tellingggggg. And created some ideas for a Niall story, but just the beginning, so I have a long ways to go with his.

And poor Louis and Kate, one step forward, two steps back. Predictions?? You think this is really what Kate and Louis want? I love hearing from everyone. *hint* *hint* :)

Happy Saturday!!

xoxoxoxxo