When I'm Gone

Louis' POV


This past weekend was incredible. It makes me realize that my family is really important and how much I need to be better about being in their lives. Mum was eventually understanding about Kate and Eleanor. She helped me make my own decision and helped me make a plan. She never pushes me to do what she thinks I should do, it's always my own decision.

Lottie and Fizzy on the other hand, not so much. They've known Eleanor since the beginning and Lottie has gone on tour with us a few times so she's gotten to know Eleanor very well. After some screaming and empty threats they finally realized what I was trying to get across. When we parted, Lottie told me she just wanted me to be happy. I hate disappointing people, family especially.

Just like the drive to Doncaster, the drive away from Doncaster is bittersweet. I'm about to make this major decision that will effect the rest of my life, and I have these moments of peace. Just me and the car. Getting ready to break someone's heart.

I pull up in front of my house I share with Eleanor and I'm suddenly nervous. Well, to be honest, I've been nervous this whole trip. I see Eleanor's car out front so I know she's there. I leave my bag in the back seat and force myself to go “home.”

Opening the door, the familiar smells of home. “Eleanor?” I speak in a loud tone , waiting to her her response.

“I'm in the office Louis.” She shouts out and I walk towards the back where our office is located, seeing her sitting at the desk on her computer looking at things.

“Hi.” I nervously wave to her. Apparently having a middle school moment.

“Hi. How are you doing?” She asks cautiously. I haven't talked to her since I left home abruptly a few days ago.

“I'm well. How are you?” I pull the chair out just a little bit and sit.

“Fine.” She's short with me, letting me know she's still upset with me and I decide to bite the bullet.

“What happened to us?” I blurt out. Not quite how I wanted things to go but it's out there I guess.

“What do you mean Louis?” She asks for clarification.

“I just feel like we've drifted apart. That we're not the same Louis and Eleanor we used to be at all.”

“I know.” She looks away quickly. I'm quite shocked at her admission. “I haven't been completely honest with you Louis.” My thoughts frantic.

She lowers her head in her hands and rubs her temple, preparing herself. Is she cheating on me? I kind of deserve it, I cheated on her in the worst way.

“Do you remember back a few months ago when I got sick?” I rack my brain and pinpoint the moment.

“Yes. You said you just had the flu.”

“Well, I thought I did. You went to Spain for a few days and I took a pregnancy test, it was positive.” She's still avoiding eye contact with me.

“You were pregnant? How come you never told me Eleanor? How did you get pregnant? You told me you were on the pill.” Typical guy, frantically freaking out.

“I was taking the pill but I had that week of antibiotics so I think that's when it happened. I wasn't sure about it. I wasn't ready to be a mother. I didn't want to be a mother.” She starts rambling.

“So what you just got an abortion?” I jump to conclusions. “Without even telling me?” I can't believe her! I stand and start pacing around the room. “That was my child too!” I'm pissed. Yelling. Frantic. I know it's her body but I would have been there for her, I would have helped her out.

“Louis, stop.” She stands and I look at her. “I thought about it. I really did. I had an appointment and everything for when you were traveling to Italy but the day before I was to have it I had taken a nap on the bed, I woke up to sharp pain and cramps, I bleed everywhere. I called a friend and she took me to the doctor, and found out I-I lost the baby.” She sits back down and drops her head. So this is why she's been distant.

“Why couldn't you tell me?You're my best friend.” I whisper sitting back down. I would have been there for her, even if I don't love Eleanor like like that she's still my friend. I still care.

“I was your best friend. I wanted to tell you. But I couldn't. Every time I tried to I just shut down, I couldn't get the words out. I felt like I was being punished for even thinking about getting rid of our baby. I felt like you would hate me even more if I let you know. Then I got to thinking about everything and wondering if this is the life I wanted to have for myself and our future children. You always being gone and being in the limelight. People and the media tare us apart on daily basis. I feel like I have no identity when it comes to us. I'm just Eleanor. Louis Tomlinson's girlfriend. People forget that I have a college degree, that I have passions. I'm just seen as your accessory.”

“Eleanor, I never meant for that to happen. I respect everything you do, I know you have passions different then mine and I love that you do.” I know being my girlfriend has never been easy, I can't give her enough credit.

“Just let me finish. Remember when I left early to apparently sell our photo rights to a tabloid?” She asks and I just nod. “Well, I lied. I went on a job interview. For a start up fashion designer down in Milan hence why I left early for it. I would never want the media in on our lives for an intimate moment like that.”

“Wait. So you want to move to Italy?” I ask. This is not how I thought things would go down.

“Yeah. I think it's best. I think it would be great if we could move together.”

“No way.” I purse my lips. “You know I can't move to Italy. All of the guys are here, my work is here.”

“But Harry lives in LA most of the time.” She points out.

“That's different. It's LA, they have music studios, producers, song writers, Italy doesn't have a big scene like that, he can work from there if he needs to, I'll have to fly back to London to do all that stuff.” I try to explain, I love Italy but no way in hell I'm moving there.

“I do everything for you. I'd drop anything for you. Why can't you do that for me?” She asks. Almost avoiding the inevitable.

“I would love to but I just can't right now. The guys and I are at the top, we've worked too hard to just step away now.” I'm not any better about avoiding things.

“I never meant to hurt you Louis. I'm just quite a coward when it comes to these things. I want my own identity. You said it yourself, we've drifted apart. All this time away for a majority of our relationship really takes a toll on us. I mean when I was at uni and you were on tour I never saw you. Calling and facetime are just not fair for people who are in love. I thought things would get better once I moved to London and it did for a little bit. I got to go on tour with you and see parts of the world, it was fantastic but all of our problems just followed us around.”

“The perks of my job I guess.” I try to make a joke but Eleanor remains tight lipped.

“Your just always going, going. I'm not going to lie when I say that I'm needy. I need someone who I can come home to every night, someone who wants to be home with me every night. We're never together anymore. I look at pictures that people take of us on twitter, and to be honest, you don't even look happy to be with me anymore. That's not what I want. Do you want that?”

“No.” I rub my chin and look around, directing my gaze. “So what does this mean for us?”

“I think it means we're done.” There it's been said. “What do you think?”

“I just didn't realize that we would end like this. That we would get this far and give up.” I lean to the side of the chair, rubbing my forehead.

“We didn't give up Louis. We tried as hard as we could, it's the universes way of telling us that it's just not working out.”

“I guess. I just don't want to be someone you settle for.” I mumble.

“I wouldn't settle for you Louis.” She taps her fingers on the desk, looking at her ring and slipping it off. “I suppose you should have this back?” She offers it to me and I shake my head.

“No, I'm not going to reuse it, keep it, do whatever you want with it. So when are you leaving for Italy?”

“The end of the week. Actually Thursday.”

“Wow. Already. Didn't see that coming.” I roll my eyes. I was planning on breaking up with Eleanor today. I was prepared for a knock down drag out fight, not a mutual break up where Eleanor actually starts everything. Not where it's technically her idea.

“I know, but I think it will be good for us. A clean break. And you can be single for a while. I know it's not in your nature but it will be good for you. You need to explore different things and you can finally do that without someone holding you back.” She smiles.

She has no idea how badly I want Kate.

“Yeah. It's good.” I clap my hands together and rub them back and forth. “You can stay here until Thursday if you want, I can find somewhere else to stay.” I offer, this is my house and if she's moving to Italy she doesn't really need a place back in London. She's from up north anyway. “What do we do about the wedding?”

“Thank you. I've actually been packing quite a bit since you've been gone. I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm going to work in fashion. I'll take care of the plans, we haven't even sent out invitations for the wedding so it's not like we have to take those back. I'll just call the planner and have her deal with every thing.” She's beaming.

“It's been your dream for a long time.”

“Are you going to be okay Louis? I've had time to figure all this out, I'm actually more okay with everything then I thought I would be.” She admits.

“I'll be okay. Everything is a constant adjustment.” I admit as I try to hide my smile. Everything is an adjustment.

Notes

Anyone feel like Louis is second guessing himself? humm. Anyway...I think you can tell if one person just isn't feeling the relationship anymore and you withdrawal too, so things went a lot more smooth then Louis had expected. :)

Sunday already?!

xoxxo

P.S. That was a super long chapter...