When I'm Gone

Kate's POV

I can't believe I just admitted all this stuff to a complete stranger. But I guess that's what I do at least once a week. I spend time with different organizations speaking about my story. Telling them the struggles of my life, struggles of how I felt like my life was suddenly over, how one night changed my world. So telling my story is just second nature.

I still remember everything about that night. I had just put Olivia to bed, I was folding laundry, getting ready to put it all away when the doorbell rang. I peeked out the kitchen window to see a police car. Odd, was my first thought, James never knocked, it was our house he just walked in. I stood still until the person knocked and I heard James' sergeant’s voice asking me to open the door. It was at that moment that I knew something was wrong. When I opened the door and saw his face it cemented my thoughts. Before he could even say anything I was clutching the back of the couch to keep me up.

When he told me James had been killed, I stopped breathing. My world stopped spinning. It was like the earth stood still just for me. I only remember bits and pieces for the next month. Everything was fast but slow, energizing but mind-numbing, and nothing like I thought it would be. We we're going to start trying to have another baby, I was almost done with school, we were planning on taking a family vacation, everything was over. None of that mattered.

“Kate?” I turned to see a worried Louis.

I faked a smile as best as I could. “Yeah?” I always try to put a bright smile, but usually it isn't real. This is how I get through most days. Olivia is how I get through most days.

“You just look like you're out of it. I didn't mean to bring up bad things.” Louis apologized.

“Oh, no, no, it's okay Louis. It was a terrible memory but everyone has pitfalls and peaks, life throws you curve balls to keep you on your toes.” I know this is the truth. Life can be beautiful if you make it. “So lets talk about you. A member of the most famous boy band in the world. Whats your story?” I ask.

“So you knew who I was?” He smiles.

“Doesn't everybody? I mean, just because I was married young and have a child, and from Kansas doesn't mean I'm out of the loop, Mr. Louis Tomlinson.”

“I know. I just thought maybe things would be different, you at least didn't freak out on me.” He smirked.

“I may or may not have freaked out for a second inside. But I'm good at keeping it in.” I smile at him.

“So why did you ask me if I was from London?”

“Just trying to start conversation.” I shrug my shoulders. “What were you doing in Chicago? Alone, if I might add.”

I watch him look around almost to see if anyone was listening, of course though, everyone was sleeping. “I just needed to get away for a bit. Everyone goes to LA, New York, or Miami so I thought I'd try something different.”

“No Eleanor?” I ask cautiously, I've seen recently in the media their relationship is a little rocky but you can never really believe that crap.

“Nope. She wanted the warmer places, I don't mind bundling up and being in the blistering cold for a bit.” He laughs. “I'm going to try and get some sleep, you should too.” He smiles and pulls a blanket over his legs.

“Night Louis.” I whisper and turn his overhead light off.

“Night Kate.”

I don't sleep well. I've never been a good sleeper but these past two years have given me reason not to sleep. First, Olivia was not a good sleeper, since James died, she's slept with me. Almost like the only I could protect her was to keep her close. And she didn't want to sleep alone. It's like she knew that a part of her was now missing too. She was to young to understand death. Basically in her eyes, daddy went to work and daddy never came home. She saw daddy sleeping in a box and then daddy was gone.

I'm almost thankful she'll never remember those events. Never remember her mom crying hysterically to her grandma, never remember her mom selling most of their furniture and moving in with grandma and grandpa. She'll just know this is how it is. She might not even remember life before London. And I'm happy about that. We need a fresh start.

I pack up all the crayons and coloring books, bored with that idea already. I rummage through my bag and find a familiar book, one that's had many dog-eared pages and start reading. Who cares if I know what happens on almost every page and I know all the plot twists, its my favorite book. It's a comfort when things are changing, this will stay the same. This book will end the same every time.

“What are you reading?” I jump at the sound of Louis' voice.

“Jesus. You scared the crap out of me.” I turn my head to meet his gaze.

“Sorry, I can't seem to get comfortable. Why are you so dressed up?” He asks me obviously noticing my dress and heals.

“I like dresses. I think people don't get as dressed up as they used to anymore so I usually always look like this.” I shrug my shoulders.

“Everyone in Kansas dress like that? I should visit.” He laughs.

“Not exactly. I'm a licensed cosmetologist to though, I'm always doing my hair and makeup so I feel like my clothes should match.” I explain, it's the truth.

“So what do you do for a living then?” He turns his shoulders parallel to me.

“Well, ever since James died I've been some what of a speaker. I attended a Family Day for the police department's new recruits and told them my story, a police officer from Iowa was there and he asked me to speak to them, so I did, and someone from Texas was there, she asked me to speak for her class and it just kind of ballooned. But it's emotionally draining. I talk about James with no emotional attachment now it seems and I'm just tired of it. I'm known as the widow. They wanted me to write a book about my experiences, but I'm tired of making money from his death.”

“It just seems so easy for you to talk about.”

“I know, I've become desensitized from the event. I've talked about it so much that it doesn't mean anything, and that's not fair.” I think about that day, I tell people about it but I can't seem to move on. I can't seem to let go of it, I'm reminded of it everywhere. I'm ready to put it behind me. I can remember James without reliving his death every day.

“Seems fair.”

“So way to change the subject from you to me Louis.” I glare at him.

“What do you want to know?” He smiles. I've realized he's actually quite attractive, but I'm not looking for anyone and I know he still has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend.

“What ever you feel like sharing.” I look at my phone. “We still have five hours left to our flight.” At least three hours have passed.

“Oh jeez, only five hours. Lets see, I thought about quitting One Direction when it was formed.” He pauses and my eyes go wide.

“No way?”

“It's true. I didn't get a lot of solos, I auditioned for The X-Factor to be a solo artist so being in a group was a surprise and then I didn't really get a lot of attention so it was upsetting. I didn't really want that. My mum made me stick it out, saying I'd regret it if I quit, she was right.” He chuckles at the memory.

“Moms usually are right.” I smile and slip my shoes off tucking my legs under me.

“That they are. So I was extra sassy to get some attention, I'm usually quick with my words but I was a little over zealous with everything. I thought if I didn't get a lot of solos fans would at least remember me from how I acted.”

“Makes sense.” I offer little words to encourage him, I don't want to disrupt his thoughts.

“And now I'm here. We've been around the world like twice. I've met thousands if not millions of people. I have a great girlfriend who waits for me at home, I'm always worried that she'll find someone else because I'm never there.”

“Oh I'm sure she'll stick with you, she's been with you for what three years? You're stuck with her.” I laugh.

“I guess I am, but it's a good thing. I'm starving.” He throws his head back against the seat.

“Never fear! A mom is here!” I chant quietly, most people are sleeping around us as I pull my giant bag into my lap and start digging. “What are you in the mood for? Fruit snacks? Crackers? Kit-kats? Apples?” I look up at him shaking his head. “I have water too.”

“You really are a mum.” He laughs. “I'll just have a water and some kit-kats. Might as well have chocolate.”

“Good choice. My favorites.” I pass them out and we sit in silence eating our snacks.

Notes

Slight attraction? Feeling it?

xo