When I'm Gone

Kate's POV

I drive home and just sit in my vehicle. I close my eyes and lean my head back. What just happened? Louis and I kissed, twice. I wasn't expecting the first kiss but I was hoping for the second. I'm so ashamed. I should have never put myself in that situation where Louis, a taken man, had the opportunity to kiss me. And I kissed him back.

I liked it.

I wasn't kidding when I said I haven't been with anyone since James. All my friends tried to get me to date but I wasn't ready, then Olivia got sick and I started speaking at events, dating just didn't fit in. Not that I didn't want to, I just knew I wasn't ready. When Louis kissed me, it was crazy how everything just fell to the wayside. It's like it all just disappeared I didn't think about everything going on.

I unbuckle my seat belt but before I get out I turn to the sky.

“James?” I speak out. I know it's crazy but I had such a crazy bond with James, I've known him since I was seven. I still talk to him sometimes, even though he can't talk back.

“I just don't know what to do. We kissed. I know I shouldn't have, I know he's with someone but I didn't push him away. I want to love again, but not like this. I don't want to be the reason someone else's relationship is over. I just want that kind of happiness again. I wish things didn't have to end with you and I the way that they did. I just don't know what to do. I told him to stay away, and I think it's best but if you could just give me a sign. Just anything to help me make the right decision, it would help.”

I swear I cry way too much.

I grab my purse from the passenger seat and open the door to walk to my house.

“Louis! Wait up!” I turn around to see two kids ridding their penny boards down the sidewalk. I shake my head and look up at the sky.

“I didnt need it that fast James.” I laugh and clutch my coat tighter to shield my body from the blistering wind and walk inside.

It's been quite a few days s since the kiss with Louis. I haven't called him, he hasn't called me. It's probably a good thing.

“Mommy! Carry me!” Olivia practically throws herself at me and I just laugh.

“Olivia! We're going to look at schools today. You want to go to school?” I ask her. Nursery school should start for her next year, I was nervous to see my baby go but I was excited for this new adventure we were going to have together.

“Yes mommy!” She spins around in circles laughing.

“Lets get your shoes on. Do you have to go potty?” I ask her digging through her shoe basket for her flats.

“No potty.” She sings to me.

I shake my head and help her into her shoes and thicker jacket. It's getting cold fast outside.

“Okay, I'm just going to grab a snack from the kitchen then we can go okay?” I stand up and walk towards the kitchen not waiting for a response from my busy kid.

I grab a juice box, water bottle, and animal crackers from the cupboard and hear a crash. It sounds like someone dropped a vibrating bowling ball on the floor.

“Olivia?” I yell, when I get no immediate response I drop my things and go racing back to her. I see my Olivia on the ground, violently thrashing on the ground. She's having a seizure.

I rush to her side and support her head to keep it from pounding on the marble floor.

“It's okay Olivia, mommy's here. Mommy's here.” I tell her as I sit and wait, biting back tears. I can't get her out of the seizure, I can't do anything but sit here. I start tearing up as I try to keep my breath steady, calm for Olivia.

My brain switches to automatic. She stops thrashing and I waste no time scooping her up and running to the Porsche, carefully putting her in her seat, and rushing to my seat to buckle up and speed to the hospital.

“She'll be okay Kate.” Dottie tries to reassure me. But Olivia hasn't woken up from her seizure. She had a CAT scan and emergency surgery to alleviate the pressure on her brain.

“Ms. Tayzen?” A doctor calls out for me as I raise my hand slightly and he comes over to us on the couch. “Could you please come with me?” I nod and pick up my purse, grabbing Dottie's hand to silently ask her to come with me.

“Please, have a seat.” He gestures to the couch next to Olivia's bed. She has more iv's. I clutch on to her hand silently praying. “She's sedated right now.” He begins. “Her seizure was because of brain swelling. The tumors on her spine have grown and spread. She has one on at the base of her skull right now that is quite large. We think it's the one that caused her seizure. We can try to get it during surgery, but it's too big. It's wrapped around the spinal chord. We can't get it all, and if we try we could paralyze her from the neck down with a millimeter mistake.” He explains, looking away, avoiding eye contact with me.

“So what does this mean?” I ask him, fearing the worst.

“I'm so sorry to tell you this. Her cancer has spread. It's hit her kidneys and her liver Ms. Tayzen.” I see the tears start to form in his eyes.

“No.” My nose starts itching as I try to hid back tears. “No, please God No.” I bring my hands up to my face to try to subdue the horrible noise being emitted from my mouth and nose.

“We can't do anything for her anymore. I'm so sorry.” He tells me and I just lose it. Just screaming. I literally slide off the couch and I feel Dottie's arms around me as I try to push her away. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience this is not happening to me. Not again. I'm just shaking, I can't even control my voice, it's going crazy.

“Get her something!” I hear Dottie yelling as team of medical professionals come in. And everything goes black.

Notes

OH my!

So I've been gone for what feels like forever, but I promised I'd be back, so here I am!! Sooo much fun at my cousins wedding, my dad has a super big family so getting together is tricky but always worth it! My uncle did the photography and I got to help him develop it on Sunday, it's so cool to learn about all of that! The Dark Room might be my new fav hobby. If only I could take good pictures....hahah

Anyway! I see my ratings have dropped...again. :( Makes me sad. but it looks like I have quite a few new subscribers so vote away if you haven't and welcome!!

So...what do you think of the new chapter? Lots of emotions. Little bit of a whirlwind.

If I get lots of comments and some more votes I'll try and update tonight! But I have tons of laundry and homework to get caught up on...one thing about college...boo for doing your own laundry.

xoxoxo