one last dream(just an innocent darkness)

............................................
My eyes were closed, there was something placed on my mouth.what??were am I?
I tried to open my eyes, I can hear mumbles around me, some sheets covering my body.
I can feel the sheets up to my neck, I need to open my eyes but I'm just so lazy to open them.
"no I was clueless about her situation..." it's a familiar voice.
My situation!?what situation?
I can now feel a hand placed on mine, now holding it tightly...
what's going on??!where am I!?
everywhere is just black afterwards...
black yet somehow peaceful...
So this is it, my heart feels peace, so calm after all the ups and downs...
"baby!? Are you awake?! Can you hear me!?" Someone asks me sounding worried.
of course I can hear, I can hear you...
"baby I know you can't hear me, but just open your eyes? Please open them rose."
are you not hearing me!? I'm right here!!who is this!? Mum?
"how could you keep this from me!?what were you thinking!?"
keep what away from you!?who are you!?
" I could take care of you Rosa!!" the hand now is on my forehead, pushing my hair aside.
I felt some daggers in my heart again, then my lungs, burning my body, it's kind of painful, I can feel my body shaking, moving up and down, so needy for the air...
"doctor!!!!!" I heard the voice screaming for help.
it's a hospital, I hate hospitals, I can remember my father holding my hand so tight, whispering he loves me and I can feel my mother's hands on my little five year-old shoulders, my father breathed in and out heavily, his whole body shaking up and down...
He once told me in my dreams what took him from me wasn't cancer, it was just his time to go...
so he let me go... how could he!? It's a jealous act right!?
To leave someone you love behind?? He didn't fight for me, for staying...
maybe it was for the peace, I can feel it now, it's appealing to just let go... set yourself free...give your heart to the wind, let it take you far far away, where you won't feel any pain...
Could I, let myself fly?...
I didn't have a five year old, waiting for me...
I had no one waiting...he was...he was waiting right?
Harry was waiting...
I can't let go...
The peace changes it's place with pain and burning again...
.................................................................

I open my eyes, my head hurts, I bring my hand to my mouth, there's something placed on it?
I study the thing on my mouth, the lights are off but I can say it's a nebulizer, my eyes spot someone sleeping near my bed, my heart burns again...
She knows.
birdy knows, her head is placed on her arms and she looks so tiered, I try to get up from the bed, I still don't know how I ended up here, I stopped dead, does he know it too??
" Rosie!?" I heard birdy.
no, no...
" Jesus!! You awake!!..how are you feeling??"She stands up from her seat and I see her eyes, both red and there were black rings under her eyes, now I hate myself!
" I'm sorry birdy, how much do...what do you know?" I should ask, please just say you don't know what I'm talking about and I just ended up at hospital and that you don't know why and...
" I know everything!!how could you not tell me, oh my god how about harry!? Did he keep it away from me too, to cover for you!?"
Okay now I just wish she would normally say, I know you have cancer and I don't give a flying fuck!!
" I'm calling him now! How could you two do this to me!?"she asked crying.
I'm not understanding her feelings and no, no just no...
" don't birdy, he doesn't know I'm sick..." I said looking down, things are not going the way they should've gone...
My new chapter, new life, just brought darkness to others, the ones I cared for, care for...
"what are you saying??!!!" Birdy asked falling on the chair near my bed, putting the phone away.
" oh no!"she said.
We didn't say much, just looked at each other's eyes, silence sometimes holds a lot of words, the words that just can't be spoken...
After what felt like ages she finally spoke.
" will you forgive me?"she asked, not looking at me.
what?
" what?" I thought she was mad at me for lying!
" I acted...childish, are you okay Rosa?" She faced me, she could break down in seconds and I was just tiered of all the drama, it was enough.
" I'm not sad, or scared, I'm just sorry that I kept it from you." No, I'm scared and I'm sad but it's not time for those feelings.
" it's okay, I understand, but what do you want to do about harry??"
that's a scary question, he is my drug, I don't feel sick around him, I feel alive.
maybe it's the fact that I'm using his light...
His my star...
When it's all dark around me...
" I don't know birdy." I truly said.
I'm tiered just so tiered.
" he's returning home tomorrow." She said.
And though I knew it before I felt nervous.
"so I'll tell him tomorrow..."

Notes

I'm writing the exact things I'm feeling,
Exact same tears and it would be just too much if you loving people weren't here...

just luv u all
A.M