Overall Rating: 6

I really liked you story and I think it got a bit better with each chapter. Your grammar and spelling is pretty good, and there’s not much wrong with it.

Here are the small things I noticed:

·Don’t start sentences with … Not only is it unnecessary, it’s grammatically incorrect.

So instead of "...Aren't you forgetting something?" try to just say "Aren't you forgetting something?" or add a word or two before like "Hey...aren't you forgetting something?" Also try to use … less in general. Use words instead to express hesitation, confusion, etc.
·Be aware of small cultural differences. Your story is centered in England, but you said “A big soccer game was on television tonight, The World Cup match, so most of the lads were watching that except for one.” when you should’ve said football.
Most people wouldn’t notice this, but small corrections like that could be noticed.
·Watch your verbs tenses. Instead of “My friends and I are suppose to be at this party and…we’re running late!” it should be “My friends and I are supposed to be at this party and…we’re running late!”


·Incorrect capitalization. You don’t need to capitalize things unless it’s a name, a place, or brand. You don’t need to capitalize things like “Wild Salmon” or “Soy bacon cheeseburger.”


·Unnecessary words. As a writer I know how important it is to have a longer chapter, but more important is the quality of the story.
You don’t have to say “I'm doing the art apprenticeship with him here at Cambridge University for the experience.” when it’s already been established that Lucy’s at Cambridge University, instead just say “I'm doing the art apprenticeship with him here for the experience."
If you’re ever unsure of whether or not a word’s necessary, just think of how you talk normally, and if you don’t think you’d say it, just take it out.


Overall, I really liked your story. Your plot line is pretty good and the characters are fairly well developed so far. I’ll be sure to continue reading.

http://www.harrystylesfanfiction.com/Story/46656/Picture-Perfect/

Notes