*Luna's POV*

I decided to take a little detour and stop by the 24 hour Walgreens by my flat and grab Bryan some flowers. Now, I'm about five minutes away from the cemetery, I have a bouquet of white roses next to me in the passenger seat, and I feel like I'm about to burst into tears. It's really hitting me now; in a couple of hours, I will be getting on a plane to London and no longer will I be 15 minutes away from his grave, the only place I really felt like I was with him again. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's good to separate myself from him a little bit. I'm not trying to say I want to move on from him because I honestly haven't met anyone that has sparked any interest in me, but I have to come to the conclusion that Bryan is dead, that he's never coming back, and that I will have to move on some day. I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean that that day has to be today, but I think being so far away from his grave will help me become more independent and push me towards moving on some day.

I'm walking towards his grave and the only sounds around me are that of the animals of the night declaring their existence and that of my feet crunching on the fallen leaves. I'm here now, staring at the remnants of our stay from the day before, flowers, pictures, balloons, The NBHD's new album, candles, and a big white poster board that we decorated as a goodbye. I know it may seem pathetic, doing all of this when he's not even seeing it, but it makes us feel good. I sit down and add my newly bought flowers to the already prominent collection and grab my lighter from my box of cigarettes and light the candles. There is so much I want to say, but I honestly don't know where to start, so I just grab a cigarette, light it, and hide behind it in order to allow my thoughts to make enough sense to say out loud.

"Here, Bry, want a puff? It's your favourite. I started smoking these because of you. I used to just smoke Newports, but woah, you just twisted my life upside down introducing these Camels to me." I chuckle a little. "You didn't just flip my life upside down with these cigs babe. You completely changed my life for the better and you made me happy when I used to never be happy. How could you leave me? Huh? Why did this happen? Why were you so stupid? I love you so much, but god dammit, Bryan you're so stupid. You were my happiness, I depended on you so much because I knew you would never make me regret depending on you so much." At this point my face is completely drenched in tears and I'm yelling. "I'm sorry baby. I just don't understand why this happened to us. I don't regret depending on you because you made my life so much better, but it's just hard because how am I supposed to be happy now knowing that I'll never have you there to protect me, to lean on, to depend on? Bryan you were my everything, shit you still are. I love my whole family so much, but I have never loved anyone the way I love you." I'm sobbing at this point, finishing my almost done cigarette and not finding any new words to say.

After about 15 minutes of silence I'm ready to speak again. "Do you remember when we first met?" I'm smiling just from the memory. "Jess and I had become really good friends because of that class we had together and he invited me to go to one of his shows. If only I had known that you'd be their drummer, that I would be meeting the love of my life that day. I was only a freshman, 14 years old and you were 18, a senior and I never thought you would be interested in me. The moment Jess introduced us, I was hooked. I wanted to get to know you better. You had all those tattoos that made me crazy and when you smiled, well damn it, you knocked the breath right out of my lungs. When you were playing those drums you kept looking at me and when you sang your solos, you wouldn't dare disconnect our stare. Jess noticed right away and got super older brother protective of me and tried to cock block us at the beginning of the after party, but thank goodness that I had my secret weapon, Serena. Who would've thought they would still be together today? Anyways, we finally got some alone time at the party and that's when you kissed me for the first time. It was the best kiss ever. It wasn't rushed, but it wasn't dull, it was everything I wanted, it was you."

I feel tears threatening to make an appearance, but I don't have the strength to stop them. I'm not full blown sobbing, but yeah, I'm crying alright. It just hurts to not have him here anymore. I thought I would be reliving these moments on our wedding day, not sitting on a grave talking to the wind with hope that the wind will travel to wherever Bryan might be and deliver my message.

"I love you so much, Bry. I miss you so much too. I'm moving to London tomorrow. It's the last place I saw you and hopefully it won't kill me just thinking about it. I still see your face everywhere and everything reminds me of you. After we visited you yesterday we started talking about old memories with you. Jess was talking about how when you were younger you would always take the blame when he did something wrong. You were always there for people baby. You were the kindest human being I have ever known. I feel honoured that I got to meet you, that I was able to spend the best years of my life with you, and that at one point we were engaged. I haven't taken your ring off. I have on my right hand now though because the doctors told me that as meaningless as it may seem, changing what finger that ring is on will help me move on. They say that if I keep it on my left hand, that I'll always see you as someone that's still here and I won't move on properly because in my head I would think we are still engaged. Aren't we still engaged though? I know this sounds dumb, but we never did call the engagement off, you just happened to die. That wasn't very funny was it? I was trying to be funny, but it came out kinda harsh. I miss you so much, baby. I still watch the grind on me video all the time, ALL OF IT. It's my favourite video of us."

I had a bit of weed left and my pipe. Bryan and I loved to smoke together so might as well burn here "with him". I packed a bowl and started smoking, making sure to blow the smoke on his tombstone or on the ground below me as if it were to reach him. Soon enough I was done.
"Remember that song I wrote for you? Well I don't think I've ever sang it to you, I just played it for you." I looked up the instrumental track of the song I wrote for him and started to sing.

"All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it
And there's no remedy
For memory
Your face is like a melody,
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me
And telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here
And there's no remedy
For memory
Your face is like a melody,
It won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me
And telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But there's no you,
Except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
There's no relief,
I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me,
But I can feel you touching me
There's no release,
I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you
Won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
But there's no you,
Except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight"

"I miss you so much darling." I kissed his tombstone and grabbed the pillows and blanket that was in my trunk which is an old habit. Bryan and I used to take random trips to this secluded woodsy area and fall asleep looking at the sky. It's already 4:15 so I put my alarm for 6:30 in order for me to sleep with Bryan one last time.

Notes

SECOND UPDATE! YAS!

Btw, the song lyrics in the chapter are from Lana Del Rey's song "Dark Paradise"

Let me know what you guys think.

Love ya xx