All Too Well

The night continued as I set out to mingle with other people, trying my best to avoid Harry, as his gaze was still lingering on me. I didn’t understand what he wanted with me anyway. I was just Collins Grimmshaw from New York. Sure, I had a great career that I worked my ass off for, but I was still just me. I liked to write and my nose was constantly stuck in a book. I cooked a lot because I hated eating out, I loved just being in my apartment working on my blog, but that was all. I came from a slightly dysfunctional middleclass family and a small town. I was far from special and he certainly wouldn’t want anything to do with me if he got to know me well enough. He’d walk away just like everyone else always did.

My thoughts were interrupted as Lou’s husband Tom announced it was time to sing happy birthday to Lou. I walked to the kitchen and Tom handed me Lux as I stood next to Lou. Tom placed a two-tiered strawberry mango cake in front of her. In unison we all sang happy birthday and Lou made a wish on her candles. Lux clapped her hands excitedly as I fed her some cake. However, soon after she was drifting off to sleep so I brought her to bed. I turned on her fairy lights and closed the door lightly so she wouldn’t wake up. As I turned down the hallway a tall figure stopped me dead in my tracks.

“I sobered up. The party pretty much died down too. Tom and Lou are heading to bed and she wanted me to tell you that if we needed we could crash here tonight. You take the spare room and I’ll take the couch.” He said in a disconcerted tone.

“Harry I don’t need to stay, I’m fine to drive.” I said, but it was unconvincing as I yawned at the end of the sentence.

“Collins, its almost 1:30 am, just take the spare room alright?” He said as if he were agitated with me. I turned to go to the spare, I wanted as little communication with him as possible. His moods seemed to be constantly shifting. His hand caught my arm and stopped me in my tracks though.

“You said we’d talk once I sobered up.” He mumbled looking away from me.

“You said it yourself harry, its 1:30 am, if I’m not good to drive I cant possibly be good to talk.” I smirked playfully at him. I walked to the spare but not without looking back at Harry. He stood in the same spot and kept his eyes on me, shaking his head in disbelief. Maybe he’d finally give up and save us both the trouble.

I lay in the spare bed for what seemed like forever just thinking about my life up until now. I remembered staying here in this very room before I found my apartment, that’s when Lou and Tom took me in. But my mind wondered past all things recent, past Harry, even past meeting Lou and Lux two years ago. I thought about my family and what I left behind. I wondered when my parents were going to get a divorce, as I’m sure they were only staying together for my sake. By the end of my time back in the states, they acted like they hated each other and they rarely ever said that they loved each other. One night my mother even told me that of she could go back in time and change things she would. I think that was what made me so closed off from real relationships, particularly romantic relationships. I never wanted to be like my parents, and I had never seen a relationship that worked. My eyes drifted closed, as my brain grew tired of these thoughts.

I tossed and turn all through the night; this wasn’t new for me though. Every night since I was about five I had this terrible occurring nightmare, except, the violent dream was an event that actually happened.

In the dream I could see the five year old version of me, scared to death sitting on an old white plastic stool in the laundry room looking on as the figure of the most important woman in my life lay silently on the floor, too hurt to move. The child version of me had cried too much when she saw her parents fighting, that she had nothing left to her. She looked at her mother, trying to figure out a way to help her.

“Mommy I want to leave, please leave with me.” She begged with a lump growing in her throat. The woman who she resembled so much just looked at her with tired eyes and weakly smiled.

“Collins, I know you don’t understand, but I love daddy.” She stated but her words were unconvincing as she continued “He didn’t mean to push me baby, daddy would never do this on purpose.”

“But mommy I saw him, you were yelling at each other and he pushed you into the washer, you hit your head and fell.” A tear rolled down the little girls cheek.

“Collins it was an accident, don’t cry sweet pea, mommy and daddy love each other very much.” She tried once again to make her daughter feel better. “Someday you’ll love somebody so much that you will always forgive them and fix things.”

At this point in the dream I could remember the exact thoughts of the little girl. At five years old, she swore to never be them, to never love somebody when all they could do was hurt her. She swore that the fairytale loves did not exist, and she closed off her heart.

Notes