I could no longer feel my body as it turned numb at the sight in front of me, bringing good and bad memories back. My expression is emotionless, but my feelings were everything but that. The car was so silent yet its like silence has sound... and the sound was my head screaming a million different things...
"There it is..." Calum whispers from next to me. Not taking his eyes off the clear window.
People prepare themselves for what to expect and feel in certain situations, but there is no preparing yourself for this. You think your strong enough to handle it and that all your emotions won't burst on you. Then once you face the situation... all this intensity comes at you with a smack in the face. Turning to being completely overwhelmed, that when it comes to your feelings, you just don't know anymore.
My eyes squeezed shut thinking im dreaming this and that maybe my birthday hasnt even came yet. Hoping that maybe, just maybe when I open my eyes the reason i'm here will not be the reality I need to face.
Slowly.. I open my eyelids. Seeing what I hoped had been a dream. Ofcourse I planned on coming back, but not for my mothers funeral..
It looks just the same... Bright green grass flowing in the summer wind. But the baby blue house no longer felt like it had before.
"Carter, We can go to a hotel if its too much for you." My brother offered. Looking back and forth at the window and I, worriedly. I gain my composer and clear my throat. The others stay silent. Catiously watching my brother and I. "NO." I tell him quickly Coming off more bitter than I intended.
"I need this." Before i had a chance to change my mind, I firmly open the cab door and step into the warm air, onto the side walk. I felt like my body instantly sucked up all the love and pain experienced on this property. Without turning my body I hear everyone follow my actions. Eyes were glued to me as they stood with me in a side by side line. I take a deep breath... breathing in the silence. Luke sweetly puts his arm around me and I graciously lean in. Making me feel in some way.. relieved.
"The last time I was standing here.. my mother told Calum and I she loves us." I say out loud. Their eyes remain on the house out of politeness. "Come on, lets go inside." He replies in a sweet whisper.. his tone was as if he was taking care of me. We walk through the walk way and as a group stand on the porch, not sure of our actions.
The beat up white door was closed tightly.. I backed away from the door, ignoring being the one to open it. I'm trying to keep my self sane and with one simple trigger I felt as if I wouldn't be able to keep this act up anymore.
Nearest to the door was Stella, who opened it slowly and walked inside calmly with the others behind it. I stare quietly.. They all avoid looking back at me to make me feel embaressed or pressured. As they begin to look around I take my first step onto the wooden floor and close the beat up white door behind me.
"Not to rush anyone, but the funeral starts at two and it's twelve thirty.." Ashton informs us. I look up from my feet for the first time and lock eyes with Calum. "Don't worry i'll show them to the guest rooms. Go ahead." He smiles. "Thank you." I mumble back and begin to walk down the left hall. Turning my head slightly, I see them following me carefully with their eyes. I HATE THIS.
Being the center of attention, having people watching my every move, waiting for me to just break again.
My hands push the bedroom door open smoothly. A tear races down my cheek as I examine the furniture.. her hair brush that still lays on the vanity to the unmade bed. There was no other place that felt right to be in right now.
Since my parents clearly didn't have the best mariage they did sleep in seperate rooms.
After I shut plus lock the bedroom door and set my suit cases against the floor I take a breather and adjust myself. my parents clearly didn't have the best mariage they did sleep in seperate rooms. After I shut plus lock the bedroom door and set my suit cases against the floor I take a breather and adjust myself.
Glancing at the clock, I let the beautiful sound of pouring water fill the room once I push back the familar curtain and turn the shower on.
I take my time on showering and enjoy the peaceful energy within the room. Wrapping myself in what use to be my mothers robe, I apply nothing but a clear lip gloss and mascara for my makeup.. Thinking of how much she use to get on me for wearing any at all. She always told me.
"Your face has pure beauty, with out the help of all that crap."
I smile to myself at the memory of her words as I begin to blow dry my hair and curl a couple strands before letting it lay naturally againt my shoulders.

I turn my head and stare at her large mirror closet doors seeing myself gazing back in the refelection. This part i've been patiently waiting to do.. being able to feel and see her clothes.. think of all the times shes worn each outfit. My fingertips trace themselves along the side of the glass and I carefully slide the door open as a small smile takes control of my glossed lips.
My brown eyes immediaty land on her favorite dress that she ever owned, barely ever worn it just so she could admire it on the hanger, but when she did... There was nothing ever more gracefull to look at. My decision was final. I gripped the metal hanger that the vinatge dress hung upon and laid it ontop of the bed.

Black was the color people wore to funerals, but I have other beliefs. Funerals are things we have to celebrate the person to enjoy the good memories and in my memories my mother was not the color black.
Stripping the robe from myself, I ever so gently unzip the back zipper and step into the dress before pulling it up onto my upper body. Just before I attempt to stretch my arm back to zip it up a soft knock came from the bedroom door, making me jump slightly.

"Yes?" I say close to the door, not really willing to open it without knowing who it is while my back bra strap is comepletely exposed from my open zipper. "It's me." A familar deep voice spoke softl. I open the door an inch to see Luke leaning against the door frame in black dress pants, a white button up that showed his chest a bit with the sleeves rolled up nicely, and he had on a pair of shiny black dress shoes. Which mad his ocean colored eyes extremely pop in an atrractive way. His hair was combed up in its usual place.
"H-hi." I mumble. For some reason he bites his lip in what seems to be nerves, making his lips peircing catching my eye. "I'm sorry i just wanted to come check on you." He tells me. "Its okay." I mumble. Looking around him ,I notice no one else around. "Everyone else is already waiting in the living room." Luke informs me, seeing my confusion. "Crap. Okay all I need to do is put my shoes on.. Oh wait.." I think for a moment then grab his had and gently pull him in the room before sutting the door. "What's Wrong?" He flashes concern. I turn my back facing him once I walk us infront of the mirror. "Will you please zip it up.." I say shyley, almost a whisper. Luke smiles at me before slowy zipping it up, staring at me in the mirror the whole time. "You look so beautiful." He whsipers, making my cheeks turn a shade of pink.
Once I put on the dress's white matching heels my mother wore with it and sprayed my favorite purfume of hers on myself.

Luke and I met up with the others, then we all walked to the car and begin our drive to the towns cemetery.
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Once we arrived the securiuty had to block all entrances to the cemitary to keep fans from coming in. Not that the fans are being rude, but just for privacy. You could only be allowed in, if your name was on the expectance list.
We drove through the cemitary rode until we reached where starting today, my mothers grave is to be. Familiar people were sat in the rows of chairs talking quietly among themselves and a crowed who just arrived, were standing in the front.
"Such perfect weather." Stella mumbled to herself as we walked onto the green grass. I silently agree with her. My mother loved this weather.. Summer was her favorite. I start to make my way through the standing people in attempt to reach the seats. Not prepared to see it as my eyes glanced, it caught my eye.
I froze completely. My heart stopped beating.. I swear it did. I can't breath. The sight of the dark oak casket was choking me. My hand flew up to my mouth in terror. My knees suddenly weakend as tears streamed down my cheeks and sobs escaped my lips, sending me backwards into Calum's arms. This was the trigger.
There was no denying the stares of sympathy.
My body was completely lifted from the ground and carried over to the front row of chairs then carefully set onto one. Sobs no longer left my lips, but was replaced with silent tears and quivering lips.
"Sweetheart." Calum whispered as he took my hand with his. I look to him with glazed eyes. His lips showed a small smile but quickly faded to a frown. Calums attempt failed. "Remember when I was seven, you were six and it was the morning of Grandpas funeral?" He randomly asked. I raise an eyebrow at him and nod my head. "... and we were balling our eyes out.. Do you remember what mom told us?" He adds. My face imediatly softens, kowingly and I nod my head again. "Don't cry because its over... smile because it happened." I tell him and he smiles at me. Calum kneels down infront of me. "Exactly sweetheart... Don't cry because its over.." He began then raised his head up to kiss my temple. "Smile because it happened." Calum finished and sat back next to me with his arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders as I lay onto his chest. Thinking of the words carefuly while my old tears begin to dry up.
For the whole funeral my eyes remained on the casket.. just listening to everything around me. It was nearly over, then the guy who kept talking about god asked if anyone prepared a speach. My eyes looked at something else for the first time. I had no speach prepared, but I was not about to regret not saying anything. I look to Calum who was already looking at me. No one volunteered yet. Calum nodded his head and released his grip from me. "I would like to say something." I practically whisper and walk up to the front. Before I say anything else, I swollow the lump in my throat.
"Joy, was my mom.. Which you probably aready know.." They stare at me.
"She was an amazing women, the best actually at practicaly anything.. I mean she was artistic, incredibly smart, kind, and a beautiful singer, but out of all the things in the world she was amazing at.. being a mom was her best ability. I will miss that ability of hers, everyday of my life.."
I stare up at the blue sky and sun.
"My mom was lke the sun. Even if a dark cloud rolled in there was no stopping the shunshine.. I hope I grow to be the best mom is the world to my kids, just like she was to my brother and I. Thank you so much for coming." My speach was pure. All of it came from my soul and not a peice of paper. Claps filled the cemetery.
"I'm so proud of you." My brother hugged me as I sat back down in my seat. Tears were sliding down his cheeks. I fet like bricks have been lifted from my shoulders.. everything I said needed to be heard and now it had. We watched as four men lifted the coufin and lower it into the ground.
"Goodbye." I whisper, to myself.
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After they finished planting the fresh grass infront of the tombstone, people gave me there condolences and made there way out of the cemitary. Leaving only Calum, Stella, Michael, Ashton, Luke and I.
As Calum was saying goodbye to the last guest I bent down on my knees and ran my fingers across the ingraved words. I turned my body and leaned my back onto the tombstone, crossing my stretched out legs as I sat.
"Your speach was amazing." Luke says as he copies my actions and sits next to me. "Truly beautiful." Stella agrees and sits on the other side of me, angling her body. "The best" Michael says as he takes a seat onto the grass with us, next to Stella. "I wouldn't be able to be as brave as you were." Ashton admits. "Carter, I really couldn't have said it any betterthan you did." My brother speaks up, finally joining us as the guest left. They both sit down at the same time. Ashton sits next to Luke as my brother sits bewteen Michael and Ashton, completeing the circle. I feel Calum lean against the back of the tombstone.
"It wasn't me who created the speach, mom did. She was everything I said.. I just explained it." My voice spoke proudly.
They smile at me, before looking away and letting it grow to a peaceful silence. Hearing nothing, but the beauty of birds.
I rest my head back and close my eyes, admiring the moment as the sun radiates my skin.

My life is like a roller coaster.

Sure, it has its DOWNS.. but its the UPS that make BEING CARTER HOOD pretty amazing..

THE END.

Notes

:'( IT HAS COME TO AN END. the next update will be the epilogue , but this is the last official chapter. I really hope it was worth the wait. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING ME! it was amazing writing this for you all. Please comment what you think and basically anything you want to tell me lol. I have loved reading your comments, you all are amazing!
Thanks for reading xx <3