Starting Over

*Samy's POV*

It's been 8 years since Liam and I had our secret wedding. A little over a year later, we had our twins, Corinne Hope Payne (our little girl) and Braden Glen Payne (our little boy). A few months after having the twins, we found out that we were expecting our 3rd child. 8 months later our daughter, Layla Madison Payne, arrived in the world. Liam was thrilled. He always wanted a big family.
After moving back to London to stay with the kids, Liam and I thought we had the perfect life together. Everything seemed to be going so well. Liam continued touring with One Direction and making albums; 10 total. Although we all missed each other, I knew it's what truly made him happy. We Skyped and called and texted every free moment he had. Finally, when it was time for the boys to come home from their most recent tour, the excitement was endless. Our kids, being 3 and 4, just wanted their daddy to come home and play with them. They never got that chance.
It was 4 years ago, that I received the call. The call that no wife, mother, child, person... ever wants to hear. The type of call that sends your entire existence into a seemingly endless tailspin of disaster.

*Flashback to 4 years earlier*


It's 330 in the morning, who could be calling this early? I think to myself as I reach to answer my cell phone that has been ringing for the past 5 minutes.
Don't people realize that Liam's coming home today? I need sleep so I look presentable. I think as I answer the endlessly ringing object. 


"Hello?"


"Is this Samantha Payne?" an urgent voice on the other end asks bluntly. 
I know immediately. I know that this was the call that was going to ruin my happy ending forever. 


"Yes, is this about Liam?" I don't need the answer, I know it is. I know the words that are about to be spoken, but that doesn’t lessen the impact when they finally are. 


"I'm afraid so. It would appear that your husband was involved in a rather aggressive altercation. We need you to come to the hospital here in London." she responds. 

I can't breathe. I somehow manage to mumble an audible response, though to this day I'm still not sure what it was. I take the kids next door to my neighbor/babysitter's house and head to the hospital, calling the boys and Liam’s family on the way to the emergency room. 


"Hello, I'm Samantha Payne, my husband, Liam Payne, was brought here earlier tonight and they told me that I needed to come down as soon as possible but they didn't tell me anything else." I blurt out to the receptionist in the Emergency Department as soon as I walk through the door. 


"Yes, Mrs. Payne, we’ve been expecting you. Unfortunately, the doctor’s are still working on your husband, I’m afraid that I don’t know how long it will be. Please, have a seat over here. Would you like anything?” she asks warmly... too warmly... almost sympathetically. She knows something.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you” I manage to respond.
After about an hour of waiting, the boys and Liam’s family arrive with the children. We all settle in for what we expect to be a long wait until the same receptionist/nurse from earlier approaches carefully.

“Mrs. Payne? The doctors are ready for you now” she says. I rise to my feet and follow her through the double doors marked Staff Only. We continue down a series of long hallways until arriving at a private room away from the nosy eyes of the general public. I’m grateful for this.

"Have a seat in here, I'll let the surgeons and police officers know that you are here" she says calmly before closing the door behind her.

"Hello, Mrs. Payne, I'm detective Braxter. I was first to arrive on scene. It would appear that your husband saved several people tonight. He walked in on a store robbery and was shot trying to protect some other shoppers. " The police officer seems to be extending me some sort of comforting knowledge before he gives me the devastating news. 


"Mrs. Payne? I'm Dr. Montgomery. Your husband was shot several times and lost a lot of blood before he arrived. We tried everything that we could to resuscitate him, but unfortunately, the trauma to his heart was too great. I'm sorry to have to inform you that Liam passed away about an hour ago in the operating room,” he says with tears in his voice. Doctors don't usually get emotional.

"Liam's dead?" it's all I can manage to say before everything goes black.

I wake up what I assume to be several minutes later in a hospital bed surrounded by the remaining boys of One Direction. My men; my rocks; the brothers of my dead husband. They are all in tears, holding each other. Liam's parents and sisters were there as well. His mom was holding my hand and his dad was consoling his sisters. Everyone was incapable to coming to grips with what had happened. I looked around carefully and saw that Harry and Niall each had one of the twins in their arms. Zayn was carrying Layla, trying his best, despite crying, to read her a story in order her to keep her occupied. All three kids were happy. Obviously unaware of what had happened.

His mom looks into my eyes for just a moment before grabbing me for a hug. We cry together for what seems like an eternity. I break myself away from our own emotions to look at our 3 beautiful children. How do I tell them that their father is never coming home again?

“We haven’t told them. We thought it was something that needed to come from their mother. You just need to be honest with them” Liam's mom stated as she realized where my eyes were gazing. I nod and ask the boys to bring the kids over. The twins sat next to me, Layla on my lap. Corinne is the first to speak, as usual.

"Mommy, where's daddy?" she asks quietly, almost inaudibly.

"Cori, Braden, Layla… Daddy's gone to be with grandma up in heaven. God decided that he need another angel to help him watch over us and protect us and he decided that that angel needed to be your daddy." I’m not sure how else to explain it to 3 and 4 year olds. My dad had passed away several months earlier and that explanation had seemed to work well enough at that time. They knew that being an angel in heaven meant that grandpa could see us but we couldn't see him until we got to be angels one day when we were very, very old.

"So daddy's gone forever? He won't come home and play with us anymore?" It’s Braden's chance to ask questions.

"No, he won't be home to play anymore, baby. He needed to go be with grandpa in heaven." I state again as tears flood my eyes. The twins start to cry as well. They finally understand. Daddy can never come home again. Layla, being 2, doesn’t seem to understand quite as well but she can tell that something sad is happening. Liam’s sisters take her to try to explain it a little more; my voice seems to be gone.

*End Flashback*


As I said, it's been 4 years since Liam's death. I'd love to say that it gets easier as the days go by but it doesn't. It honestly doesn't. The kids, now 7 and 8, still miss him everyday. So do I. I miss his smile, his laugh, his voice, his smell. I miss the way he used to tease me and hold me. The way he used to play with the kids and try to teach them all about music. It's strange but sometimes, I swear that I can still see him and feel him here in the house with us, like when I'm in bed, there are times that I am almost convinced that he's there comforting and holding me. Trying to tell me that it’s all going to be ok. Tell me that he’s watching over us, just like I told the kids he does. Maybe I'm just going crazy. The boys are over as often as they can be and that's helped a bit. They have continued One Direction in memory of Liam. As I crawl into bed, I turn on my One Direction playlist on the sound system in my room. Hearing Liam’s voice singing is the only way I can fall asleep at night. As I lay in bed, listening to memories of concerts and travel and the growth of our love for one another, I start thinking about how far I’ve come since the first time that he and I met. I never knew that our future would turn out like this but even if I had been able to predict the future, I wouldn’t change a thing. I had several years with the love of my life and got 3 perfect children who are so much like him. Some days it’s so hard to look at them and others it’s sometimes the only comfort that I can find. He lives on through them. I know that everyday that passes will only help to ease the hurt, but no matter how much time does pass, I know that I will never forget my everything; Liam James Payne.

*Liam's POV*

It’s been almost 4 years since I had to watch surgeons try to save me. I was already gone. I didn’t feel anything, I just had to sit there and watch them try to stop the bleeding. Four years since I watched as they told Samy and my family the news. Four years since they saw their worlds crumble before their eyes and felt the heartache of loss. And four years since my 3 beautiful, perfect children found out that Daddy was never playing with them again. Seeing it broke my already shattered heart. I fought so hard in that ambulance. Fought so hard against that white light that was calling for me to come towards it. All I wanted was them.
I wonder if Samy feels me when I climb into bed with her every night. I love that she still listens to the band’s old music. I know it makes her feel closer to me somehow. I wonder if Corinne, Braden, and Layla notice me when I check on them while they sleep and give them kisses on their foreheads. I wonder if they realize that I sit with them during their music classes and I still watch them from my place at the head of the table during dinner every evening. I wonder if my parents can tell that I'm laughing with them when they tell funny stories from my childhood; if my sisters can see my disapproving glares every time they start dating a new guy. I hope that the boys and the fans can sense my spirit at every One Direction concert and that they realize how proud I am that they had the strength to keep going without me. I hope they can sense my presence somehow because regardless of my physical limitations as a member of the afterlife, I will never really leave them. That's my family; every single fan, all the boys, my parents, my sisters, Samy, our children are all my family and protecting them is my job in death, just as it was in life.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not here; I did not die."
- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Notes

I've had this chapter written since day 1 of the story. I always knew how I wanted it to end. I'm sorry to those who are upset by it.
Love always,
<3Samy<3