Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

I can’t believe she let me in… My heart skips a beat as I step a foot inside the attic, confusedly glancing down. For months I thought I’d never return… I lift my face to glimpse at her, frowning, as if the gesture could magically protect me from hurting. Nothing could protect me from this… Jeanne is glowing in a white, tight bodice, gauzy dress. She looks at me and my knees go absolutely weak. She rolls her hair aside, arms falling to her sides. I should say something, I know, but I’m as lost for words. She stands there and fuses with the brightness filling the room; this is mad, because she’s in fact barefoot and her ankles are the most beautiful ankles I’ve ever seen… I should be trying to read her face instead of rambling about her ankles, but it is like I can’t keep my eyes on hers for too long. God, just to look at her…

“I'm sorry to show up like this…–––I finally mutter, glimpsing down and taking my hands to my back pockets. I’m on a break from tour. Like I said, we were in Dubai.” With the corner of my eye I see she smiles lightly. I’m glad she doesn’t fear me.

“Has the tour been all right?” She asks, raising her eyebrows, and touches her elbow. Why did she let me in?

“Yes–––I claim. I stayed in Japan for a few days.”

“I love Japan.”

“I know…” That’s why I stayed, and I’m sure she knows it too.

“How was your flight?” Did she let me in to have a small talk?

“Pretty emotional…” I don’t know why I said that. Well, it would be nonsensical to pretend I’m OK, as being here screams that I’m not, especially after my monologue from earlier. Jeanne nods her head thoughtfully. “I know you are leaving to Moscow,” I say in a caring tone. I don’t want her to take it the wrong way. I’m not recriminating anything. “Are you happy?”

“Yes–––she states, smiling. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. This is why I turned down Munich… I’ve been there quite a few times.” Yeah, I know that for a fact.

“Yes,” I repeat. She glances down. I didn't want to make it awkward, but she must have sensed I remember what happened in Munich. “When I left, the last time…–––I start to say, but as the memory of us making love right here comes down on me I feel I can’t no longer speak. I’m sorry–––I mumble after a second, glimpsing down as I clear my throat. It was quite irrational and insensitive on my part. It’s not that I don't care about what you feel. It was just…” As I glance back at her I see she’s holding her elbows.

“I know,” she cuts me off, flashing me a caring gaze. I’m trembling inside. “You don't have to explain.”

“But I want to…–––I mutter, forcing myself not to step forward. I thought I could leave things like this, but getting to know you has been way too important for me to…” God, this is too difficult. I pull a fist to my mouth.

“It has been nice to meet you too…” Jeanne intervenes quickly in a blithe tone. I wish I could hold her. I can’t do this… “You look more grown-up,” she observes, startling me a bit.

“I feel older…” I state, instinctively moving towards her half a step. An almost imperceptible movement of her shoulders makes me stop dead. Her arms pull tighter around her body. I glance down, deeply breathing in. “I know it has been long, Jeanne, but I can’t forget about you…” I murmur, coming to look at her, as I push my hair behind my ear.

“You can think or swear that you love me–––she frowns, seeming hurt–––but this is an infatuation…” God, I had forgotten how infuriating she can be. How can she be like this?

“Don’t patronise me, Jeanne–––I tell her with a slight shake of my head, trying not to sound too crossed. I’m not a boy anymore. I know what I want and whom I love–––I assert. I’ve been in love with you for so long before I actually met you…” Jeanne’s eyelids flutter in that dreamy way of hers and I can’t help but move a bit closer. “If we had spent some more time together maybe you’d…”

“Look at you, Harry,” she says as she lifts her arm in front of her. I stop on my tracks and she tilts her head. “You are so incredibly young and full of energy–––she carries on in a soft tone. Forget about this.” Her arm points to the side. “Go and live your life fully.” She’s practically cheering at me. My heart shatters inside my chest. All my fears are true… “Become that amazing man I know is waiting inside this adorable boy.”

“I wanted to become that man next to you–––I sigh, defeated. But I know there’s no way, though I just need you to tell me…”

“Harry…”

“Tell me…–––I whisper almost in a prayer, stepping forward. Tell me that those feelings you had for me aren’t enough and I’m leaving for good…”

“Harry…” Jeanne squirms on her spot.

“Tell me…” Our stare becomes more intense, making my stomach lurch.

“What you want and what I want…” She whinges in frustration. I know I’m a mess, but as mad as it might sound, I need it. “I thought I could keep this under control. I’ve made all the wrong choices and I’m sorry…” She glimpses down, her hand back to her elbow.

“Nothing would have prevented it–––I claim. It’s just that I love you…” I love her. I can’t escape the fact that I love her… Jeanne frowns, but suddenly her expression softens.

“Someday soon you are going to make some girl so happy whatever you feel for me right now is going to seem pale beside it…” How can she tell me this? This is not what I need to hear now.

“I can’t think of another person than you…” I mutter.

“Harry.”

“I won’t leave until you say it…”

“Harry, why do you need this?” Her hand rubs on her elbow.

“Don’t you know me at all?–––I let out. Do you think I could move on if there was a chance that you love me?” She suddenly straightens up. “You changed your story…”

“Harry, don’t make me do this…” She pleads, closing her eyes. She doesn’t want to talk about it. My heart races.

“You don’t have the courage to deny it…”

“Harry…” She repeats.

“Say it–––I insist. Say you don’t love me…” Jeanne opens her eyes almost in panic. “Say it!” I lose my temper.

“This is a young love…” She pushes both arms in front of her. I didn’t mean to scare her. I gesture with my hand that I’ve quietened down.

“Say it–––I beg her, shaking my head as I lead my hand to press on my chest. I need to hear it or I’ll never move on…” Her greenish eyes widen and begin to shimmer. Something stirs inside me. This moment…

“I don’t love you…” As her words hit me my body goes weak and I have to struggle to keep myself standing. One thing is to know it, but then to hear it hurts like nothing before. I have to keep my composure. I have to… Even though it feels like life is being drained out of my body.

“Thank you for clearing things for me,” I say mechanically as she looks straight into my eyes. I need to stay strong. But this doesn’t feel real anymore… It seems I had stepped inside a dream, and I’m not able to get rid of the sensation. The one speaking is not I… “I know it didn’t come up before because I never gave you the chance to say it. I wasn’t in a position to listen to it.”

“You never listen,” she says and I can’t help but lightly chuckle.

“Because I fell in love with you,” I explain. It’s so simple. I watch her but I don’t even try to read her expression. I’m done with it. “Though I suppose I can’t blame you, because you warned me like a hundred times. But I listened now… It’s never too late.”

“Harry, what you feel now–––she speaks so slowly–––it will pass…” I glimpse down to a book on the floor.

“I don’t know–––I shrug, shaking my head. I won’t have you, so who cares what’s coming…” Who cares?

“Harry…”

“I leave because even if I hate it–––I interrupt her as I can’t listen to her anymore–––you did what I asked for and I can’t force you to love me.” I step back and she stays fixed on her spot, all white, watching me go. “I tried, believe me. I tried hard but it didn’t work…” I mumble. Please, don’t lose it, Harry. “So I leave while I have control over my body not to faint–––my voice sounds shaky–––or slam you against the door and kiss you so we could start all over…” My lower belly aches, and for a second my mind goes wild. I close my eyes. My hands are trembling. “I hope you could keep a good memory of me–––I say as I look at her again. You’ll be my first good memory… even if all I want to do right now is to rip my chest open and remove my heart.” Jeanne shifts. “Don’t–––I cut her off, turning around and catching a sight of a dried sunflower along the way. Don’t say goodbye.” I glance down. “I couldn’t stand it,” I talk to myself, door closing.

–.–.–

By the time I arrived downstairs I had absolutely lost whatever calm I had managed to keep. I pushed past Niall and Pat, turned right and started to walk away towards an unknown destination. I knew they would follow me, and that they must have already realised about the outcome of my visit. Niall had sensed it the entire time. That’s why he was so worried on the plane. Not that what she said was a great mystery, but as people say, hope is the last thing to lose. It was clear as water that part of me had been holding on to something, even though it was a foolish thing to do. There had been moments during my time with Jeanne when I definitely felt she was as much in love with me as I was with her, but it was just my blindness, my most wild desire, my own love reflected upon her.

Niall kept his promise and didn’t even try to talk to me. They just followed me down until I reached the end of the street. I could have continued walking around randomly to take the anger away, but my last bit of reason told me I shouldn’t expose myself this much. I glanced up at the church in front of me, and went inside, moving to sit on the last row of benches. The place was deserted. I glimpsed up and then down to my lap, and couldn’t hold it any longer. I began to sob quietly, covering my face with both hands. It was a cry of impotence, and a cry of sadness. I was absolutely broken. I had done everything in my hand, and it worth nothing…

I don’t know how long I stayed there bending down, but when I finally reacted I noticed that Niall was kneeling just a few seats away from me, praying. I stoop up, grinning as I wiped my last tears off, and walked up to him. I softly poked his shoulder and gestured for us to leave. He crossed himself, bowing his head to the altar before we went outside. By the time we arrived to the Eiffel Tower all arrangements were made.

“Where is the ‘Arc du Triomphe'?” Niall read on his map, fighting a bit against the wind, as I struggled with my hair. I didn’t know if he was actually enjoying himself or just trying to keep me busy, but he seemed quite engrossed in.

“The river is at our back, so it should be in that direction…” I pointed to my left as I stood beside a telescope. Some tourists around had already recognised us, but we were used to that.

“And that sort of garden down there is where we took those photos and the footage for ‘This Is Us’?” He asked, gesturing with his hand, his eyes fixed on the piece of paper.

“Yeah.” Hundreds of memories crashed into my mind at once. My life had been so mad lately.

“Yeah, here it is–––he stated, resolutely poking the map. ‘Champ de Mars’…” At his words I couldn’t help but throw my head forward. How could I ever escape her? “You know the city fairly well,” he carried on casually.

“I do now…” I muttered, tightly holding the railing and glancing down to the people, from the height moving as nervous ants.

“I want to watch from the other side–––Niall said. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, in a minute…” Hopefully, things would be different for him, and Erica would take him back.

As he passed my side Pat tapped my shoulder and went to follow Niall. I stood behind the telescope and watched the people down the street. Some of them would be tourists; some of them would be Parisians. Some of them would be happy, and some of them would be blue like I was… After a while I instinctively pulled the device up and went through the line of the horizon. The sky was bright but pale as in those sunny days in Paris. For a moment I didn’t know what I was looking for, but rising from the pit of my stomach I felt there was something I needed to find. I frantically began to search, my heart racing inside my chest. All of a sudden, at the sight of the green dome of the observatory near Jeanne’s house my body relaxed. I set the telescope aside and sighed. I just stayed there, looking straight ahead. I would never escape her.

–.–.–

Notes

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