Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

I walked away from Liam, who went directly to look for his girlfriend, but I just wasn’t able to take my mind off his words. He was right. Even if Jeanne would say yes what we were facing was pure chaos. Louis could try to diminish its importance by saying it’s always the same, that always comes a new day and the fans finally get used to the idea, but this time it wasn’t. This time it wasn’t a crush or a fling. This time I was falling, and hard. And somehow I knew a part of me was ready to take the risk. I only needed to know where Jeanne was standing, because if she was to accept me, then I could face it, or at least try.

I began to look for Stan amongst the crowd. When we met earlier we promised we were going to catch up on everything. For some reason I was feeling that talking to him about Jeanne would give me some sort of peace of mind. And I owed him… I owed Stan Lucas as I owed anybody else in the whole world. He helped me without an inch of personal interest but me, on the other hand, I hadn’t been capable of keeping my promise about Louis.

“You can’t babysit him, Harry,” Stan told me when I mentioned the issue. Maybe, but it wasn’t about that anymore. Somehow I knew I was failing to Stan resenting Louis so much lately, but he was just asking for it. “Nobody can, and he has to grow up sometime… Now, tell me about Jeanne. How’s everything going? Louis told me you are mad about her…” He snickered.

“So mad,” I mumbled, shaking my head ‘no,’ and grinned instinctively. Just to think of her filled me with joy.

“So mad…–––Stan repeated, half shutting his eyes. Excellent, my friend.” I giggled.

“I don’t know why but I feel I can only speak openly about this with you, mate.” Stan smiled broadly and patted my back. “It is like you know her, maybe as Louis, but he’s obsessing…–––I hesitated. I don’t know. I talked to him because he’s showing around Jeanne’s photo as if she were his girlfriend. But he screwed it up already… Sophia believes El is mad at him.” Everything was so bloody confusing.

“I don’t know what’s going on with them–––Stan groaned between clenched teeth. You know how reserved he can be with his personal stuff. It’s almost contradictory of him but sometimes he’s like a grave…” I nodded slowly. “I’ve greeted El earlier and she seemed a bit angry now that you suggest it. Maybe it could be about Jeanne or maybe because he’s not proposing…” I hadn’t thought of that.

“A few months ago he told me he was thinking about it but I guess he hasn’t figure out just yet–––I observed. He hasn’t mentioned it again.”

“Hmm, I thought he could be considering the possibility already–––Stan mused. I don’t like it when she’s mad at him though… She should be so happy. She just graduated, you know, and they are so young. So much to live…” He flicked his hand. How fond of Stan I was… He was so care free, and he really meant it, not as others that say one thing and then stress out about the opposite.

“Yeah–––I muttered. I don’t like it when they’re mad at each other but I don’t know what’s going on and he always acts cool when he speaks to me… It could be so many things but every scenario scares me…” I pointed out quietly. Stan raised his eyebrows. “Do you think he’s depressed?–––I squinted at the idea. Jeanne told me it was a possibility almost two months ago…”

“He’s gutted about the Rovers for sure.” I nodded my head, meditating. We knew that for a fact even though just a week had passed and Louis was already acting as if nothing had happened. He couldn’t fool us. “Well, and Jeanne? Don’t get me wrong but I prefer to talk about her…”

“We went to that place where you got her surname, mate,” I say enthusiastically. Stan beamed. “I still can’t believe you deduced it from her writing. You are a genius…”

“My milestone until the moment–––he claimed playfully, winking his eye at me. She practically gives the exact location. That and Google Maps and it went smoothly…–––he gestured with his hand. So, how was it? Did someone recognise you?”

“Her hipster friends hadn’t the slightest idea of who I was…” I guessed I’d always keep my suspicions about that Bastien guy though.

“So that is… good?”

“I had stopped believing it could actually happen,” I explained, a strange emotion creeping inside my chest. Jeanne had made it possible for me and it felt as good as nothing in the world, but then the memories of that night came back to me, my dejection by Bastien’s attitude, Jeanne being that alluring creature she was, my anxiousness to see her again, and then all my following doubts… I pushed my head forward. “Stan, I really don’t know what she has seen in me because you should know the type of guys she has been with…–––I admitted confusedly. Artsy musicians, painters, and…”

“And Manuel Neuer…” Stan mumbled. I couldn’t help myself and glared. “Yeah, I know. Louis told me. It’s a bit insensitive on his part but he’s super excited about it. You know he’s a football fan… I bet he hasn’t even realised you’re still freaking out about it. Because you do…” He said sympathetically.

“I do–––I asserted. I don’t know… They all are so different from me.”

“Harry, every person is a world,” he muttered, bringing a hand to my shoulder and shaking it lightly. I was thankful that he was trying to cheer me up. “And to her you are sort of ancient history…”

“Yeah, maybe, but I don’t know what it means…”

“She likes you, Harry–––Stan carried on, snickering. More than she liked that Neuer. She’s spending her holidays with you…” I remembered Zayn telling me the same thing. “She didn’t even want to go out with the guy, right?” I nodded one time. “Harry, if you want to know her mind I guess the only thing you can do is ask…”

“Why do I have the feeling that I’m not going to like what she’s going to tell me?” I spoke my deepest fear. But I needed to… I needed to face it.

“Because you are mad about her and that’s how things work…” He shook my shoulder again.

“I know,” I mouthed. Stan pressed his lips together, and twisted his mouth. I knew it was foolish. I needed to find the courage to do so.

“I gave her work to a professor at my uni…” He whispered, releasing me from his grip. I slightly frowned. “I hope you don’t mind.” He glanced up at me and I flashed him a shy smile, unsure. “She’s a friend of mine, older than Jeanne actually, but she holds a PhD in Literature and is a psychologist too… Apparently it’s quite common,” he grinned mischievously and I laughed. That world was fairly new to me. “We need all the help we can possibly have with the book club because you know we can’t reach her,” he claimed. Of course we couldn’t. Jeanne was ten times cleverer than all of us together. “You can’t even imagine how many notes I have on her by now…” Stan chuckled. He was such a loveable fool.

“You are her biggest fan…” I pointed out.

“Don’t get mad–––Stan said in a plain tone. I don’t know what happened but I got totally hooked by her stories, especially ‘I Wish.’ Yes, we now know she is gorgeous, I won’t say she is not; you know how honest I am,” he explained. Why couldn’t Louis be just like this? “I hope you don’t hate me for what I’m saying.”

“No, Stan, it is fine–––I ventured. I get it because it happened to me too. Of course right now things are totally different but I get it…” I grabbed his shoulder this time. “And I could never be mad at you… You made it possible…” Stan giggled. He was proud of himself, and I was so grateful. “Research as much as you can because I need it. You know…–––my voice turned all shaky–––even when I’m holding her… It is like an iceberg… Not because she’s cold, because she is not, in any form–––I stated. She is hot, and loving, always pleasing me, but somehow even when I’m holding her–––I resumed the idea–––I feel there’s this much of Jeanne I don’t even get to see. I don’t know if she does it on purpose, but it’s there–––I asserted, my insides trembling. She tells me she likes me, that she’s mad about me but I got this feeling that those words don’t mean the same to her as they mean to me…”

“Do you think it is because English isn’t her first language?” Stan startled me.

“I don’t even fully understand what you mean…” I confessed. Stan shook his head, patting my arm.

“Don’t worry,” he said, and pulling out his mobile from the pocket of his waistcoat he began to write something down. I looked at him in curiosity.

“What are you doing?” I asked, getting closer to peep on him.

“Just taking notes on the matter to send them to my friend.” I raised my eyebrows. So engrossed in Stan was too.

–.–.–

It wasn’t what I needed but once I saw Eleanor sitting alone on a bench and looking into space I just couldn’t help myself. I didn’t need more worries but she was my friend… And she was so lovely in that bridesmaid dress I immediately pictured her at her own wedding day. I knew she wasn’t going to open up with me and I really didn’t know what I was going to say, but I just couldn’t ignore her.

“Hi,” I said sitting next to her. El did a little bounce in her seat and glanced up at me.

“Harry…” She stammered.

“Are you mad at me?” I cut straight to the chase. The time to leave to France was getting closer.

“Why would I be mad at you?” El retorted, pretending to be surprised.

“You have been avoiding me all day…”

“I’ve been avoiding everyone,” she stated, suddenly glancing forward.

“I’ve seen you with Louis’ sisters,” I pointed out, mimicking her actions.

“I can’t avoid them…” Eleanor tilted her head and leant down a bit, perhaps dropping her guard. I wasn’t sure if I should mention her.

“Is this because of Jeanne?” I spoke quietly. El looked back up at me and rolled her eyes. “Because if it is, it’s not our fault that Louis is always acting weird about her–––I explained my feelings. And even if he is, I’m sure it’s not due to what we think…”

“So do you think it too?–––El blurted. That he fancies her?”

“No.”

“But you just said it…” She observed, her eyes fixed on mine. I huffed.

“I want to believe him when he says he’s happy for me,” I stated.

“I don’t recognise him lately and it doesn’t help with all the…” She hesitated in carrying on so I took the lead.

“With all the Larry’s rumours and Jeanne…” El nodded her head, her hands tightly gripping the edge of the bench, as she moved her feet childishly. Her eyes returned to me and somehow I felt a shiver running down my spine.

“Harry, are you sure about her?–––El mused in a caring tone. I’m talking to you as a friend… All we know about her is that she’s a bit of a femme fatale…” I scrunched my face at her, confused. “A man-eater…” Her words made my heart bounce violently inside my chest and race. I could feel my palms getting sweatier.

“What are you talking about, Eleanor?” I managed to mutter, shaking my head, dejected. A man-eater?

“Harry, I know that you are all smitten with her because she plays this mysterious, alluring woman…” I sensed a bit of a mockery in her speech and didn’t like it at all. “She has my boyfriend wrapped up around her finger and he doesn’t even know her in person. And that goalkeeper… Manuel Neuer?” I regretted so much we had checked her Twitter in the first place. “The guy has a girlfriend and still calls her after an entire year? What does she do to you to have you all in a queue to get some of her attention?” El folded her arms over her chest and stared in defiance. God, it was hurting.

“Eleanor, why would you say this to me?–––I snapped. To distress me?” I jumped from my seat trying to control my temper, but it was almost impossible.

“Because I might be mad but I’m your friend too and I don’t want to see you broken-hearted,” El stated, standing up herself. I deeply breathed in.

“Just forget it, Eleanor. You don’t know what you are talking about–––I said almost in a whisper. I’m sorry your boyfriend is a mess but don’t drop it on me.” She glanced at me, annoyed. “I was a fool thinking I could mend things.” Her jaw dropped a little.

Before El could realise I moved quickly and kissed her cheek, cupping her face around my hand, and walked away. On my way to look for my mum I crossed Louis, who was obviously searching for his lost girlfriend.

“Harry,” he said as he approached me in his dashing blue suit as if nothing was happening.

“This is all your fault, Louis,” I grumbled and flicked my hand at him, just passing him by. I didn’t even turn around to see his reaction. It was time to leave.

–.–.–

Notes

Hmm, that door Eleanor opened... I don't know if it'll be possible for Harry to close that door... What do you think about it?

You've been wondering where the drama was hiding. You've been expecting for almost 50 chapters. If you think you can relax now that Harry is returning to France, just forget it. The peak of the story is arriving and peace will be over till the end.

Thank you so much to all of you for reading, commenting and voting. Each part of this story is getting heavier to write and your support keeps me going. I couldn't ask for better, cleverer readers. You make possible every step of the process. A humble thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you, guys.

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