Forever and Infinity

Paisley

"Where are your groceries?"

I opened my eyes and looked at Harry. I searched my mind for a reasonable excuse.

"Paisley...."

"So, remember when I told you I had the stomach flu? I went to the doctor's office for some more medication."

Good one.

"Why did you tell me you went shopping? Why would you lie about something as stupid as that?"

"I don't know."

Harry's eyes searched my own, as if he were trying to read my thoughts. I moved my gaze downwards.

The thought of lying to Harry made my stomach churn. He meant so much to me, and I was pushing him away. It may sound selfish of me, but I was doing it for him. It was better that he didn't find out.

Harry got up and knelt down in front of me so he could view my face. He reached up and ran his hands through my red hair; the hair that would be gone in a matter of weeks.

"Paisley, I hate this, so much. I hate that we aren't the same as we used to be. I hate that we aren't close. I hate that you act as though you don't want me around, but I know that you need me. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't you open up to me?"

I didn't respond. I brought my knees up, wrapped my arms around them, and rested my head against them. Harry remained where he was at.

"Did you go through the bag, Paisley? Those were memories for you to reopen. For you to reminisce about the happier times."

I nodded my head, which was still pressed against my legs.

"I wish you'd take a look inside my head, Paisley, and realize how much I miss the old you. What has made you this way?"

Once again, I didn't respond. Harry was silent for a moment. Almost too silent. I felt him grab my hand and flip it over.

"Paisley, when did you cut again?"

"I needed too."

"I want you to promise to never do this again. You're wasting away. Something has been gnawing at you; gnawing away at your happiness. What is it?"

"I c-can't tell you."

"And why is that?"

"Just know, that when it's over, you meant a lot to me."

"When what's over?"

My phone started ringing only a moment after the words left his mouth, and I sent a silent thank you to God.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Paisley. It's Marcus. Boss wants to know how much time you need off for...."

"He knows what I need it for. I'd like another few weeks off. I have some.. Uh.. Things coming up in the next few weeks."

"Okay, I'll let Boss know."

"Okay. Bye Marcus."

As soon as I hung it up, I noticed Harry staring at me with a questioning look on his face.

"I didn't know you were taking off work?"

"Um-"

"Is there a special reason why?"

"Harry, I can't talk about this. Please, can you just go?"

"Paisley-"

"No. I can't tell you, Harry. Just go."

Harry stood up and marched angrily towards the door and swung it open. "I hope you know that you are all I'm thinking about these days. I can't concentrate because I know something is wrong with you and I want you to be happy again. But you just don't understand how much I care about you. If you don't want help, then fine! I'll leave you to it!" He walked through the door and slammed it so hard the walls shook.

I was frozen in shock. He cared. He wanted me to be happy again. I was all he could think about.

I got up from my chair and went into my bedroom. I fell down onto the bed and cocooned myself in my blankets. I hoped my dreams took me somewhere happy.

▪️

I was dead. My body was laying in the hospital room, lifeless and drained of all color. There was a weeping sound coming from a boy that was sitting next to the hospital bed. It was Harry.

My head was completely bald. Not one strand of hair adorned my head.

The doctor walked into the room and addressed Harry. They began talking about me as though I wasn't even there. Oh, wait. I'm not.

"Why has this happened all of a sudden?" Harry asked, looking at the doctor with blank, reddened eyes.

"She had cancer."

"For how long?"

"Over a year."

Harry's mouth hung agape. "Over a year? She never told me! Not once!"

The hospital room faded away, and in place of it was Harry's flat. It didn't look like it usually did, though. Random things were strewn across the rooms, and the curtains were drawn and it was incredibly dark inside. The only thing that looked alive and happy in his flat was a pot of lilies on the table that looked as though they came from the funeral home.

Probably from my funeral, I thought.

Harry emerged from his bedroom wrapped in a comforter from his bed and plopped down on the couch. He looked even worse than he did when I died. His once tamed, curly hair was now in a tangled mess and overgrown, his eyes were bloodshot and had bags under them, his cheeks were hollow and lacked color, and his lips remained in a frown.

The door dinged and Harry didn't even bother to get up. Four boys walked in uninvitedly and shook their heads at the helpless boy that was before them.

"Harry, you can't let her death eat you alive," Louis said, "she would want you to be happy."

Even though Harry's face was against his pillow, the boys could hear him clear as day. "It's not only that she's gone; it's also because it was a year of pain and depression she went through and she never even told me! I could've done something! I could've made it better! It's all my fault."

▪️

I sat straight up in my bed with sweat dripping off of me. I was panting really hard. Then, everything from my dream came flooding back.

Would Harry really be that way if I never told him that I had cancer and just randomly died? I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am now.

Even though that thought came to mind, I still didn't want to tell him. I was scared; especially since I've been hiding my cancer from him for over a year.

And the fact that I was in love with him for three years.

And he had no clue, and I wanted to keep it that way.

Notes

I have a new story idea!!!!

:)


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