LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

Harry's pov

"You are one little piece of birdshit" Dr Sabrina shakes her head in disbelief.


I did it. I literally fucking did it. No matter how much I've cried in the last week over the fact that I let him go, let him walk away in front of me and didn't even do a single thing, not even a single word to make him stop. This is so shitty. Shittiest I've ever been. I haven't slept since. It's fine though because I've been awake for longer periods of time than weeks.


"How do you feel though? How have you been taking this since he's left?" She sits back in her chair and ties her hair tight in a bun.


"I..I don't wanna talk about it."


"Well what do you wanna talk about? Talk to me. Talk it out. What do you wanna tell me? What's in your mind right now?"


I do not want to say anything really because whatever I might do or say will end up making me a mess. I stay silent not even looking at her. I'm picking the skin at my nails. They've been bloody since. I don't even know my nails don't even look like nails. They're just chewed up skin instead of nails and wherever I can look they're pale and bloody.


"Okay."She pauses licking her lower lip slowly just exactly like Louis does. I've always been fond of her eyes. Even when there dark brown they somewhat resemble Louis' eyes. Her face cut and cheekbones they're all so similar. I'm 100% fucking sure she's the female version of Louis. "Let's do a little exercise. Show me your hands, place them on the desk flat" she chews on her pen with her glasses at the tip of her nose. Fucking hell she's Louis all the way.


"Shut your eyes and just imagine none of this happened. Nothing is like what it is today. "


The only thing I haven't done in days is close my eyes and what's she's telling me to do is exactly that. I can't do that. I have been forbidding myself from doing that because even if I tried wouldn't be able to and all that will flash before my eyes would be how hurt Louis was when he screamed at me crying his guts out on the beach.


I stare at her straight not even blinking because it hurts my eyes. It hurts my eyes to even look at somebody. It’s all back. The same things I’ve already through once and I’m going through again. If I had a chance to let this all go and not feel a thing I’d gab it immediately. It’s more than what it was 4 years back when I was lying down on the hospital beds fucked up so much that even if god himself wanted to take me out of it he wouldn’t. Just looking at me how I look at myself in the mirror. Just a fucked up piece of shit.


“Do as I say Harry..” she asks me again quietly.


I sit back leaning. “I..Don’t feel like it” she doesn’t look at me when I say this. She keeps writing down something. The noise the pencil makes against the paper is making me mad. It’s so loud and fast I can hear it just as I can hear my heartbeat.


“Well then what is it that we can do today?” she brushes the fringe away from her forehead pushing it back behind her ear.


“Do you..” I begin. No matter how much I don’t want to talk I always end up vomiting out everything in front of her. “Do you sometimes think about how you are to other people?”


“That is a very strange question but nothing is strange to me.” She smiles and I want to smile back but I don’t because it is not something that comes automatically to me, “do you wonder that often?”


“Yeah..”I say, “I mean I’ve been wondering this since I don’t even know. I’ve been wondering this like since Louis left and everything came to a stop. I don’t even know what to do anymore and my head wanders off to things. I wonder what I actually am to other people. What it is to like me to see me. What’s it like to put their arms around me or even keep their head on my chest. What’s it like to know me and maybe that’s why I hate myself a lot because I don’t know what it is to be me.”


“Some people tend to have opinions about themselves and they’re too reluctant to change anything about that. But you..You are still trying to figure that out. You don’t have to hate yourself for not knowing who you are. You can embrace it, you can develop yourself in such a way which might make you answer the questions you just asked and truly know what you are”


“I..” I don’t know but there is something inside me breaking, giving up. I can’t go through the pain of losing someone again. I can’t go through the sleepless nights. I can’t go through myself hatred again. This is hurting me in my throat. It hurts me like someone just shot me in my stomach and the blood is gurgling out of my mouth and my feet they don’t even exist. I can’t stand up to run away from it and my eyes hurt so much that even f I blinked once I might go blind and it so painful I don’t wanna shut them, “ I ..I want to apologize to myself” I cry tears rolling down and my hands shake my voice shivers. I’ve tolerated pain worse than this but in this moment it’s the worst and if I could die now that’d be the best anyone could do for me. “I want to do that. Desperately” I bite my lip so as to stop my voice from shaking and maybe I’ll be able to complete a sentence but I feel short of breath, I feel suffocated and it’s like I’ve been drained out of oxygen all of a sudden and its all black and white spots. I feel choked. Fuck! I try and take breaths. Fuck! Feel out of oxygen and I think I’m going to faint.


“Harry!” I hear at the back of my panicked brain. “What’s wrong?” someone screams. And then someone’s touching my pockets as if it to check something and then those hands move to my jacket. I can’t feel anything more than physical pain and the hands on me and I wish I could just wrap my arms around somebody to be able to go away. Just leave this world and be away. If I could just end now but then suddenly someone’s supporting my back and then there’s the pump on my mouth and I’m breathing fine in the next one minute and my vision is clear but my head still pounds and Sir Sabrina is so close to my face for a second I thought it was Louis because of the similarity in their features.


“Are you okay? Do you wanna go home?”


“Home? It’s not a home. Nobody is going waits for me when I reach. Nobody would hug me or tell me they‘ve been waiting for me since the morning. Nobody is going to ask me what they should make me for dinner. Nobody’s going to ask me to bed. It’s nothing but four walls where I’m trapped and to tell you something…what I wish right now in this moment is why’d you give me the pump? Why didn’t you let me die or maybe if I was at home I’d be dead already. Why’d you do that..” with the speed that my head is banging against my skull and with so much anguish inside me I wanna throw something against the wall and watch it smash into pieces and I’d repeat that just to feel my heart beat at a normal rate or not even beat at all.


“Okay that’s enough harry. I’m not going to sit here and listen to all that crap. I’m going to call dr. john right now and I’m going to recommend him to admit you in ward so that I know my patient is safe.” She picks up the cradle.


“They’ve tried that before and I was discharged within 4 hours”




“I know I can’t really keep you here without the doctors knowing the real reason and I can’t tell them the reason because of the confidentiality thing. All I can do is call someone whose close enough to you so that they can watch you”



“Then why did you do that. Pick up the cradle?”


“Just to see if you’re really serious about the things you talk.” She deep breathes, “Who do you think I should call?”


“No one”


"I don't think 'no one' is on the list. Suggest one name" she goes through my file and stops at the page of my visitors list. I don't say anything. I don't want her to call anybody. Not when I'm like this. They've all seen enough of me."Or I'll call someone on my own" she picks up the cradle again. "Faster Harry"


"Ed" I blurt, "calls Ed...” I gulp in. Shit! She tricked me. I shouldn't have said anything. Fuck! She just said she can’t tell anyone. I am too distracted to understand anything.


"Okay" she smiles. Even though she's not smiling evil it feels like she is and it's making me mad as each second passes by because she's actually fucking calling him.



The next thing that's happening with me is I'm being shouted at. I can't understand one word Ed's screaming while moving to and fro around his living hall. He's so loud my continuous thumbing head can't process even a letter and I want him to shut up but with my brain not working I can't even open my mouth to make him stop.


"Are you even listening to me?!" he shouts just a fucking inch away from my face and I can feel his hot breath hitting me. "Why didn't you freaking tell me?" he screams. This end is the angriest I’ve ever seen. "you promise to tell me every fucking time but you fail.." his face is red and I can see his nerves popping out on his neck and he’s too pale for me to not notice all that.


"Please ed..I don't wanna be shouted at anymore!" I say loud enough to make him stop from moving to and fro, "this is your house sit down now"


He stops pushing his hair back rubbing his face and sits beside me. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks more than calm.


"I didn’t know what to do ..." I sigh picking the already bruised skin at my nails, "..This is..today is the best I've been in a week since he left" a lump forms in my throat and it’s so scary every time when I say since he left. eveytime I say that goosebmps form and maybe that's how much I miss him or maybe that's only the beginning.


"It’s been a week?" he asked surprised. "A week harry?" I don't look at him when I shake my head for a yes and I’m ready to be hit by him. He’s mad and sometimes I think people have their own way of showing their concern for others and I let it be but he gently rests his head on my shoulder holding me tightly from his side. "I’m sorry" he whispers. "I’m sorry you’re going through this again" he sniffs.


"What the fuck?" I turn to him, "don't cry for me...don't you ever cry for me" I state and hold his face in my hands, "don't ever do that I swear" I can’t fucking let people cry for me or over me. They’ve already been hurt by the things I do or by the things I don't do. I can’t let people be sad for me.


Ed nods wiping away a tear drop that's about to escape his eye. "I won’t" he smiles and kisses my forehead.


"Is Amanda here?" I ask.


"She’s at Laura's. They’re having a sleepover" he laughs, "you know girls and their things.. Anyway" he gets up, "you'd like drink or a coffee?"


"Drink"


It’s been four hours and its 9 pm and since then I've been filling this glass with drink and knocking them down my throat. I’m more than tipsy and less than drunk. Ed’s sitting beside me and we’re still at his house after he drove me from my appointment. His hand lies on my thigh and it doesn't really concern me that there’s a hand of another person on my thigh. It doesn’t really matter to me right now. Maybe just that I’m drunk. Maybe I like it I do not know but I’m feeling things and it makes me want to go a step further. I know that he's my friend and he wouldn't do inappropriate shit with me nor would I do with him but thins drinking has made me think otherwise.


Ed's hand move upwards rubbing my thigh and I immediately lookout him even though my reaction was slower than I thought it was. His head rests back on the sofa. "What did he say when he left?" he rubs my thigh again and maybe he’s doing it unconsciously but I’m feeling something I shouldn't be.


"Everything ended with a fuck you. He was upset about something. He said I was being selfish about things and that I should rally start taking things seriously" I slur. If I could think straight right now I’d be at my house asleep or maybe doing what I’ve been doing the past week, smoking. "he even indirectly told me how many times he'd tried to have sex with me, he'd probably say ' make love', and how every time I pushed him away or backed out of it"


"You guys haven't had sex? No sex? For three fucking months?" he sounds surprised as he pats my thigh laughing.


"He’s a 24 year old virgin" I shouldn't really be telling all this but then I can’t even think straight right now.



"Then I can't even imagine the number of times you guys must've masturbated at each other. Unknowingly. Oh my god! how did you even resist?" his hand has moved so much up that if twitched his finger he'd touch my balls. What is he doing I don't know but the way my body is reacting is alarming.


"I need to use the washroom" I stand up abruptly and walk towards Ed's bedroom and his house is five stars better and bigger than mine. It has to be. He’s a fucking millionaire or maybe a fucking billionaire. Who knows?


When I wake up my eyes hurt as I blink the freaking sunlight hitting them and the headache makes it worse. Every time I'm in such a situation of going through the hangover all I can do I regret and make it point to not drink this much the next time but all that happens is a repetition of what's happening now.


I get up and finally realise why it hurts much more than any time before. It's just a little flashback of people moving away from me. Since the day Gamma left everything's been crashing down and I can't help but look at it while it falls and burns in front of me. Even though I could do things Louis left me for but that'd make me expose myself to the world and I'm never going to be ready for that. Not for the people who specially love me. Like really love me. I have seen the hurt and pain they have to go through just because I'm a victim and I'm making them victims beside me.


"Ed?!" I shout with my dry throat and someone's knocks on the door of the room I'm lying in.


"Sir, if I may?" A female voice. Oh it's Nancy. The help.


"Where's Ed Nancy?" She walks in. Fuck my head hurts when I try to sit up straight. "..And can you get me some aspirin?"


"He'll be back in 10 minutes. He's gone to drop Amanda to school"


"Hush okay" I get up. "...What time is it?"


"It's 8:40, sir"


"Okay" shit if I don't leave for office in five minutes I'm going to miss out on the most important thing. I get down from the bed grabbing my t shirt and wallet from the nightstand. "Just tell Ed I left because I was in a hurry, okay Nancy?"


"Okay sir." I walk past her in a hurry.


"But sir your aspirin.."


"Yeah give me that" I turn around to take that thing from her. "Thank-you and please don't call me sir. How many times do I have to tell you that? And one more thing...how did you?" how the fuck did she? ," why did you have aspirin with you already?"


"Well Mr. Sheeran told me give you this when you get up so.."


"Oh thank you.." I gulp it down without water, "tell your Mr. Sheeran that your sir has left and should not call me before noon? Okay, Nancy?"


"Yes, si-- Mr. Styles"


When I reach office the official last adressal by Mr. Smith had already begun and I entered the hall in my last night clothes. I excused myself and sat where I was supposed to. There were around 20 senior employees and 10 special employees which included me too.


Mr. Smith is retiring this month. And this week being his last and this meeting being his last everybody sat there admiring him and were in awe of him. I can’t be sure about everyone else because yes Simon can never be happy in other people’s happiness. This is not being judgemental about him nor is that my mindset that it can’t change. I don’t know but one day if he ever decided to do something good I’d be glad to know that people change.


After the whole thing ended Mr. Smith thanked everybody and reminded them of all their greatness. But t end when everybody was exiting the room he called for me and told me to wait until everybody left. I don’t know maybe looking at the way I was shabbily dressed today or that why my hair wasn’t in place, he must’ve noticed something.

“How do you feel about this harry?” he asks me standing behind the chair from where he addressed the meeting and I’m standing a few hairs away from him my hands behind my back.

“about?” I’d known what he was taking about if my head was clear.

“About my retirement. Me leaving” he smiles. His smile if it can’t make your day or make you feel warm or make you feel like his son or anything better than I don’t know what you’ve been doing wrong to not notice or feel that.

“Well, it’s sad because I’m not ready to see you leave just like that” I walk closer. He's been the only support in my life after I left my father to stay here in Yorkshire. He’s more than a friend to me and he’s more than a fatherly figure. He’s everythingive wanted in my idol in my support,

“I’m not ready to work with anyone else” I stand just beside him my hands still at the back.

“Neither am I ready to grandfather little kids harry but it’s a part of life. Isn’t it?” his hands move to my shoulder. Fuck! This can’t happen right now.

“I’m going to miss you” maybe I should’ve said these words to someone else. Maybe they need this more than me.

“Not more than me. Always remember to be what you are okay?” he pats my shoulder rubbing it and fuck if my head could think straight I’d be able to stable myself and not feel all the warmth he’s trying to give me and maybe if this goes on for a minute more I’d give up I’d be a mess crying on his shoulders.

“Yeah” I shake my head shifting all the things that are trying to flash in front of me.

“Why do you..I mean look out of place today?” he laughs moving back a little turning to pick up his files from the desk

“Oh.. Nothing..It’s just a little hangover maybe. Nothing more” if I could brush off his stare on me just like I did with the question.


“c’mon harry. You’d do this today? Don’t lie to me kid. I know it” he smirks walking past me. I’ forced to follow him.

“It’s nothing I’m serious”

“I too harry” we both enter his cabin.

“Lo—“

“Anyways I won’t force. “He hands me two golden envelopes, “here. Only special ones get these. It’s my retirement party. Everything’s in the envelope. You just have e to get dressed and
come” he smiles seating himself on the chair.

“I think you gave me an extra” I hand him the extra one

“No. dumbo” He doesn’t take it, “its a VIP invite. You’re bringing Louis with you too. Aren’t you?” what? Fuck!

“I’m..uh.yeah” I shake my head. I shouldn’t be lying to him not now.

“Exactly that’s for him just hand these at the gate. It’s just family friends, business partners or clients. Only the special ones. Besides you there are there people from the office so don’t feel like it’s something strange. “

“Okay” I still don’t know what I’m doing.

“Hope to see you there”

“Yeah” if it weren’t for this hangover maybe I would’ve told him the truth.

Notes

its the shittiest chapter i've ever written so i hope you hate this tooo. And so you know i have my exams going on and thats the reason for the delay and a shitty chapter. maybe i'll write the next soon and i know its going to be great!


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