LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
The fact that I respect Mr Smith so much is the only reason I'm getting ready today. I don't know how I'm going to get Louis with me to the party. The only thing that's bringing sweat on my forehead is this. I don't know if I can lie to him about the any further. Maybe I can he's retiring anyway so we're anyway gonna meet less and he doesn't have to know. Maybe I'll lie about him. I'll say he wasn't feeling well. He'll understand, maybe.
I brought both the cards with me, in case, but I don't know. I seriously don't wanna lie to Mr. Smith. He'll know by looking at my face. He'll catch me and I wouldn't want that. He'd feel upset about this and especially not today out of all days. I can't let this happen. But I don't know.
Fucking hell. No matter how much I wanna think straight and not mess up my life anymore I keep doing it, anyway.
I walk in, the thought process still going on. I keep checking for Louis maybe he'll appear somehow. Someway. He’ll come to my rescue maybe. He always has. Even if Mr. Smith knows this about me, lying about Louis, not hearing from me would be a problem. And he wouldn't expect this from me.
I show my card at the gate and enter into the club he's booked. but the parties actually going on on the lawn. This has to be large. With the number of cars parked outside and with number of guards present at every step he's actually called every single client. He's going big.
As I enter in the smell of alcohol and money hits me. It's nothing new to me. I've been to parties bigger than this. This is something Louis would be uncomfortable with and for a minute I'm glad he isn't here. No matter how much he craves for this kind of aura and environment, he’d be the first one to run out if it. A waiter spots me and brings me my glass of champagne. Just like everybody I'm now set in the surroundings. Everyone looks almost the same except the women. They're always this elegantly dressed in clothes which always look different. It's not like us men; we wear a suit in a party and the next time we're wearing a shade lighter or even a different set of the same suit. Well I do that and maybe other people do to because only if you give attention to the detail you know what's the difference otherwise it's just same unlike the dresses women wear.
There are people who I know and they've spotted me and waved at me but haven't come up to me and maybe I miss him in this moment. He should've been here. Just for my sake. He'd engage me in a conversation about panda's or universe or anything and I'd be so into it I wouldn't need anything or anyone else. Or he'd give me a verbal version of how people are trying to impress each other in this party all for their selfish reasons. As to why that woman is touching the guys arm or why a man sat with another senior partner or why a guy decided to not walk in with a date or something. Something about each person here or maybe he'll describe me. He'd do something. He'd touch me in all the right places, he'd make me feel loved and he'd make me wanna love him the same. I'm craving everything he does, everything he is and also what he is. I'm craving him and maybe if I'd get him back I'd be normal. I just wanna be normal anyway.
Fuck! If he knew how much I'm thinking about him he'd mock me just the same. Or maybe he'll be jealous about me having champagne and he'd just have to take apple juice. We'd be so together we wouldn't need the two hundred people here trying to become the next partner and get the highest salaries.
But maybe we're not like those couples walking hand in hand kissing each other in every two minutes or trying to hold each other by the waist. We're not that. We haven't been on dates and talked about each other's favourite things or touched each other under the table or been to parties just to get free food. We haven't been that and maybe that's what makes us what we are now and maybe we crave for each other's secrets. The way he tells me he has so much to tell me but he's never got the right questions for that. And maybe if I'd paid more attention to him than I did give my problems he would've been by my side today I wouldn't be going through the shit feeling I am going through right now.
But I don't know I feel something. I feel something I haven't felt in days. I feel like I have eyes on me but I don't know what the intentions are.
"Harry?" A female voice taps on my shoulder. "Hi" I turn around. Oh my God. She's here.
"Hi..uh oh my god" I move forward to hug her. Out of all people hers is the face I couldn't have imagined to see.
"How are you?" She charmingly asks. She always was like this.
"I'm good" is my instant reply. "How have you been Kaityln?" Fuck I can't take in much of her face. "How..How are you here?"
"I'm good too. I shifted here last year. I work at Red chilies label"
"You do? Wow. That's so great..I never thought you were interested in this field. How come?"
"Actually I completed my graduation.." Trigger warning. She completed her graduation, "...and then it all happened. I interned here for 4 summers. And they eventually took me in.." That's awesome.
"That's great. I couldn't complete mine..." Fuck why my head always leads people in that way. "Didn't even start" I don't even look at her when I say this. She's moved so forward with her life. She does probably gonna be vice president in few years.
"But you're still at such a nice position aren't you?" Her hand caresses my upper arm.
"Nothing that I did led me here. It's all what my dad did.."
"Don't do this.."
"It's not you Kaitlyn..Don’t take it personal. I'm sorry. But you know. Lately things haven't been so good.." Fuck what am I doing. Fuck fuck. Why am I beginning things which don't matter now." You know what? I'm sorry ..let's enjoy the night. Let's not drift into conversations. Hmm?"
"I don't mind the conversations. It's been four years I always wanted to know how you were doing. I haven't seen you since the hospital days" she smiles.
"isn't it okay if we just...what can I get you. Another drink maybe?" I ask her. I just wanna pass this night out. Just spend t away. Just do it. I can’t anyway afford missing Louis and make this night upsetting for myself. The rush of adrenaline inside all of a sudden is so great. I don't even know where it came from. It’s too much to handle.
"Yeah..Just one" she laughs.
I turn around but then a certain smell, a fragrance makes me sop and then there's this whole person standing in front of me and I can feel the eyes on me. It’s just so close to see from my vision id blurred all of a sudden. I wanna see this person and believe it’s that person standing here, "...missed me?" the voice which makes me goes weak in my knees. and then the person kisses me on the cheek and makes me turn around and face Kaitlyn again. Holy shit.
The person's arm slips under my suit the arm laces around my waist we're slow close I can smell him again, "I don't think we've met....Harry?" Louis' arm wrapped around my waist has all my attention and there's nothing else that could actually make my adrenaline rush like rockets inside me. It’s like too much and maybe I’m out of breathing. This is too much. Too much to handle and maybe I could've asked for something else tonight but there's nothing else I could've wanted more than this my entire life. Right now I could make myself bleed just to check I’m alive and this is happening.
"I ...uh" I don't know probably if I could look into a mirror right now I’d see my face all red and blush like, "I’m sorry Kaitlyn.."I clear my throat. fuck!, "Louis this is Kaitlyn my school friend and Kaitlyn this is Louis..uh.." what the fuck do I say. I hate this awkwardness. I hate this.
"...boyfriend" Louis completes. He's been saving my ass today I guess. They both shake hands. Even though this is such a professional gathering and people are so silent in their talking I feel like everything's so loud. So loud around me even if I wanted to shut it out it wouldn't. it happens everytime. right now when I was just about into doing something, to walk away from things, things happened so fast I can’t even remember how I’m standing here with Louis' arm around my waist where only a piece of cloth separates it from my skin touching his. he isn't dressed in suit. he's dressed simply in his purple shirt I gave him for nails Christmas last year. I don't even know how he got it because he never came back to the apartment because if he would've, I'd know.
"Harry you're actually very secretive. we're here talking about your sob story when you could actually tell me about your boyfriend.."
"sob story?" Louis hand twitches just near my scar as he asks this.
"nothing, we were just.." I give Kaitlyn the look and she gives me back a look. it’s that look which asks 'doesn't he know about it'.
"excuse me gentlemen can I borrow her?" a fancy suit guy asks.
"yeah of course"
"excuse me..I’ll meet you later "
"sure" I nod and she walks away.
this leaves me with Louis staring back at me with something. I didn't notice this before. I notice it now. he was smiling until she left and now his grip on my waist loosens. loosens a bit to makes him stand a bit away. there's too much heat between us for atleast me to ignore it. he doesn't look at me and I can see it. that how much he wants to be out of this party. how much he wants to be away from this. his face falls all of sudden and he bites his lip. his hand starts to shake and rubs them together. the weather isn't that cold considering its march but Louis' just in a shirt here and I can see he's cold.
"are you carrying a cigarette? something?"he asks. the air has gotten chilled. he takes a sharp breath in and looks up shifting his fringe behind his ear. I look at the bags under his eyes. I look at the weariness. I look at him and it makes me think I did this to him. I want to touch him instantly, I wanna touch him all I want and make this misery go away and then I stare into his eyes and then I notice this glossiness, this shine. is he? I move closer to him and ..shit! I couldn't have thought this about him.
I pull him by his waist as fast and as politely as I could and he can fight me all he wants, and I stop somewhere people are less likely to notice us. fuck! why? , "..are..are you stoned?" I stop and ask him whispering.
"I am no longer answerable to you" he rolls his eyes, ".....and what's your next question 'how did you enter in Louis. I had your pass?'" he mocks me, "..well god doesn't give you everything goldilocks, I got the brains.." he clicks his tongue and frees his hand from my grip, "... they even sent an email so I just had to show the email at the gate and use your name.."he smirks squeezing his hands into his jeans pocket.
"Why are you doing this?" What's happened to him in a week? Why is he behaving like this? What have I fucking done?, "..what are you even here for?" I hold his right arm, "what huh?" He looks everywhere except making an eye contact with me. He pushes me away stands back shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I just.." He speaks gulping down, "I don't know really..I have to actually lea-"
"Hey Harry" I hear someone call my name and I quickly look behind Louis and Mr. Smith is approaching me.
"Hi" I say my mouth dry all of a sudden and Louis turns around to stand beside me.
"Are you both enjoying the night? "
"Definitely. It's an amazing party. Thank-you so much" I shake his hand.
"Yeah. It was a pleasure working with you" Louis says as he shakes his hand too. He's trying to act as normal as he can but there's something up with him and maybe he's not going to share it with me. I've made this wall and I don't want him to make that for himself. Because if he does it's going to be more messed up for him and I can't see him turning into something he's never wanted to be.
"Don't go back without having dinner, okay?" Mr. Smith smiles.
"Yeah definitely" I answer back.
"Well I'll see other people. You guys enjoy. Hmm?"
"Yeah" and he walks away. Louis stands back again. He never wanted to be this person he is. He's not behaving the way he is and there's something up with him.
"Louis look at me" he steps back again and leans his head on the wall and shuts his eyes.
"I was telling ...you something.." he begins. "I am .." His eyes are still shut and his hands are in his pocket. I don't know he's just making me more worried with every second that passes, "I have to le-"
"Stop talking" I demand and pull him by his elbow. His eyes open all of a sudden and he frowns, "Let's get you out of here " my other arm holds him by the waist and pulls him through the crowd.
"Stop doing this..." He resists but he's never been strong enough for this. "Harry leave me.." He tries to remove my arm from around his waist.
I walk him through the crowd forcefully and once we're on the parking lot I leave him. he sighs looking so angry he'd bust my face if he could. "Why don't you fucking get something when I say it? Why is it always have to be you?" he bursts out. "I get it I'm not strong enough but that doesn't mean you get to do what you please" he's shouting even when his throat is all scratchy. He's not okay and all I'm making him do is shout.
"I'm sorry but I knew you were suffocating in there. You couldn't even breathe because of the all the alcohol. You should be..." I stop saying words which will mean something else and take us off the cliff.
"What should I be?" He shouts stepping back to lean on a stranger's car, "thankful?" He narrows his eyes scoffing, "you don't even have to the brains to figure out right from wrong and you expect to save people from their miseries." He scoffs again.
"Why are you here then when you didn't want to do anything with me? Why are you back?"
"I don't know!" His demeanour changes completely. His face falls and he doesn't look angry anymore. It's like he just realized something. "I don't know why I'm here" his voice trembles and he's looking down at the road.
"What is it...you can tell me?"
"Just like you tell me all the things every time" he mocks. No matter how much angry he is or how much misery he is in, he never stops mocking me. I don't know if this is his defence mechanism or what but he needs to understand something.
"What please?" He screams walking toward me, "why should I tell you when you haven't even called to check on me. Don't pretend to care when you seriously don't. You let me walk away and didn't bother to call if I was okay. If I was sleeping. heck. If I even had a roof over my head.. You're fucking selfish and I don't blame you maybe that is your self defence."
"You..I'm sorry." Fuck it. I'm so dumb to not realize things when I have to. He s right why should he tell me. He doesn't have to. I'm selfish. I'm all that I've never wanted to be. "You know me Louis. I... I can't think things because I always think people are trying to hurt me. I'm sorry. You know.."
He laughs standing few feet away from me, "you're still talking about yourself. You know what, just forget this ever happened. I'm anyway returning to where I really belonged and this was a fucking crooked idea. I should've never come here!" He steps back and hugs himself because of this chill breeze that has started to blow. "I'm leaving and now don't fucking follow me." He says as a tear rolls down his cheek. He walks a few steps away but turns around stumbling a little sniffling in, “I should tell you because probably you know this but I have to remind you. You’ll end up really disappointed If you think people will do for as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart”
He walks away and maybe this was all part of something I am. I haven't looked at him so closely ever before and he's hurt. He's so hurt that it's fucking hurting me but that a selfish prick I am, I'm letting him walk away. I'm letting him at least walk away from me because that what's going to keep him safe. He has to walk away and I'm watching him walk away into this shadowy darkness. I've made him this person who in the future will be something better. I can’t let him be exposed to an environment which has always hurt me and if he ever had to be where I have been I don't know what or how and why I would be like what I am today.
I know I have not been the same and I know there have been times when I looked at him and felt like I am staring at someone I barely know anymore. And what kills me the most is, that I know deep down inside when he looked at me he probably felt the same thing and there is no other way to define this than me losing myself here and him finding him somewhere else.
Right now I'm fighting for him. I'm no longer fighting for myself. Maybe I can’t ever come out from where I am and maybe I'll never be what I always imagined myself to be but maybe I can help other people stay away from them and be safe somewhere else. Maybe they'll have a future unlike me. Maybe they'll be what I am not and maybe if could get a look at them from faraway and see a part of them that's happy I'll be happy. I just wanna walk away from people.
I can cope up with people walking away from me but I can't let them rot with me in this parallel universe where only I belong and am never going to come out of this lost world . nobody's ever going to take me out of it and will never be able to. They're going to get hurt and leave. Nobody will dare to walk a step closer to me like Louis do but I think that is all I could let him do. That's all. He's willing to take me out of this. I've waited for opportunities and watched them let go. I am ruining my chance of being found. I am letting go this feeling I crave for and maybe I'll let others be normal. No matter how much I'd want to run up to him and make him stay, spill out everything and see if he waits for me but that he's gone anyway it doesn't matter now. It doesn't. Because he's left anyway. And I don't know if he would've ever stayed if I'd told him what I am. I had to let him go because if this worked out for a few moths it’s not going to work out for a forever, if it is even there.
I don’t know I wasn’t good for him, I hurt him you know. Hurt him since the day he entered. Ihurt him all the time and sometimes, sometimes..I meant to and I hate myself for it but I couldn’t stop. I loved when he stared at me with his blue bold eyes that were glistening with tears. He was so in love with me and I took advantage of it. I was toxic for him. Bu I loved him, I still do love him. I think a part of me will always love him. But he deserved so much more and when he left me, I swear the cracks in his heart through his eyes. Anyone could see the pain he was feeling and in return what I felt but I guess I had to hurt him to help him.
It's foolish and selfish to live a lie. From both sides it's been something none of us wanted. He always wanted to tell me things and I never asked him the right questions and I never wanted to answer his questions which he still would ask me if we ever met in the future.
This hurts me so much my heart twists with every step he's taken away from me. He's vanished into the darkness and maybe if I could run up to him I'd be able to catch him and kiss him one last time but I don't deserve and neither does he deserve this.
I know it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt like hell. Fuck! It’s so gonna hurt. When you give everything you have to someone and it’s still not enough, it’s going to rip you apart inside. Then it’ll slowly start to get better. You’ll find ways to occupy your mind. Some days you’ll still wake up wanting to call them just to say good morning. You’ll spend days crying and listening to sad songs that’ll remind you of them. You’ll fall asleep crying because it doesn’t feel right without them there. That’s okay I guess. It’s okay that it hurts.
But this is all bullshit I can say to make myself better. The crying is never going to end. Not when I’m here, not when I’m back to where I should be and never years after this. Tonight when I walked away, though I’m still walking away to somewhere I don’t know, I felt the need to turn back.
I said a kind of bye but in the back of my mind I was still hoping he’d fight for the conversation not to end. But he didn’t and nor did I.
this chapter maybe short but it has so much depth in itself it makes you understand what trouble they are in and whats making them so miserable. hope you guys like it!
i'd appreciate you guys commenting and telling me that you like this or not because these few chapters that are going to be be updated are crucial to me. this is where i get to know you guys are getting the message or not. if you guys can actually comment and tell me you're getting it and tell me what you think the future holds i'd be happy.
i just hope you think this is good!
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