LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
"What things do you care about the most?" Dr. Sabrina and her questions.
"Um...really?" I laugh. "Don't ask me that" its the last question I'd ever want to answer.
"I have to know, c'mon" she smiles.
"OK" I need to give it a thought, not that I have more than like 3 people on the list but I'm sure it can go to four or at last maybe five. "My sister, Gemma, then Louis of course. Laura my cousin and then my aunt and then there's my nurse- Mrs Butchersons family. And maybe my friends Liam, Zayn and Niall."
"Basically your family and friends, hmm?" she's always writing down something in that notepad always.
"Yeah" I nod. "These two categories only"
"Where does Louis get a place in those two categories?"
"Obviously family" I answer not even giving it a thought because it doesn't need one.
She laughs. Giving my words a thought and then she looks at me concerned. "It's not family if
you're not making one" and then there's this pitiful smile on her face.
FUCK me. "Seriously?" I straighten my jacket, "Is that the point?” I mean like, “C'mon doctor you can't do that" I'm surprised more than I should be. "You can't force me to have sex when I don't feel like it" she can't ask me that, "its not that I'll have sex with him and the next day he's gonna get pregnant or something"
Her smile fades and now she looks embarrassed, "I am not forcing you, Harry. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm really sorry" she backs off. She really should.
But I think I should tell her actually, exactly what I'm feeling, she should know, "I mean..I'm not ready yet" I feel ashamed. “Is that wrong?” Seriously I should be. I can't. He doesn't know anything and I can't happen to have any kind of intimate relationship with him when he doesn't know who I really am.
"It's fine if you're not ready. And it's nothing to be ashamed of." she jots down something on her sheet of paper and then she looks up again, shoving the strand of hair behind her ear with the help of the pen, she clears her throat, "I just wanted to know something. Would you answer me honestly?" She looks so intensely at me. Does she do that to everyone?
"Of course. I mean I'll try" I shrug.
"If I were to ask you all the things you love, how long would it take you to name yourself?"
Fuck. I should die."I wouldn't. I mean ain’t that understood?"
"nope" its a strict no.
"Are there reasons for such denial?" She’s writing something in her notepad, yet again.
"No. I don’t think it’s a denial" I don't know. Do there have to be reasons? I mean...c'mon. I want to fucking laugh at this, "somebody doesn't have to count themselves when they're listing people they love, I mean isn't that kind of understood, seriously"
She chuckles, softly, almost like she's sorry for me and for the condition I am in, "Look Harry, this is where you conflict your own thoughts. You tell me you love him endless and limitless and then there's him, as you say, he's ready to do anything to prove that he loves you with all he has. But where is the point where we can talk about self-love? Just like self respect, self esteem, self assessment, self acknowledgement, self-love, self admiration is also an important feature that defines a human being. It’s important for a human to feel that he loves himself/herself. And it shouldn’t be forced. Are you getting what I am saying?" She jots down yet another thing.
This is such a weird thing, these sessions. You pay somebody who judges people for a living. I mean they don't have to get paid for being so judgemental, everybody judges everybody no matter how much they deny the fact that they don't. "Yes I think. I'm getting the gist of it" I nod. But wait, "wouldn't that be selfish enough?"
"At some points, yes. But you understand what I mean. You should be able to stop it before it turns into self obsession. It should be the right amount of self love, that stops one from completely destroying themselves for something or someone who doesn't even think about how your day went forget about loving you eternally."
"I don't think you understand"
"Oh no. I do. I do understand what you're saying. You mean to say that if someone is really good but yet they destroy your existence in this world your attitude should be like 'godammit, I don't give a shit, i'm not going to let that someone ruin my life because im more than what the someone wants me to be' right?"
"yes" she straightens her back. "you think this is hilarious? this.. all this its a joke?"
"have you ever cooked a meal for yourself?
"Oh yes. I have actually. I cook for myself every day. Well Louis, he's been cooking different dishes all the time. He cooks real delicious food"
"Exactly what I’m saying. He cooks with all the passion because he loves you. And then there's his little love for himself that lets him cook for himself too. You too cook food only because you wouldn't want to sleep empty stomach and also because you can afford to cook. But I can bet you've slept empty stomach too” I shouldn't really be feeling embarrassed but somehow my body's all heated up and it’s like someone switched on my seat heater. I feel so hot. I'm sure it’s clear on my face.
"Is there a particular reason you feel this way? Like a particular something that's happened and you want to think about things over? You can tell me. Anytime."
Fuck. She exactly knows what the fuck has been fucking my head lately. Shit. My body couldn't have been heated up more. "Well..uh" I clear my throat, "there is nothing that you don’t know or anything that I haven't told you"
"You're sure you're not keeping any secrets that may be disturbing you and now its--"
"He even tried to touch Louis" I almost squeak it out. "Fuck!" I'm losing my freaking temper. “Not even tried, he did it” I never knew I could, "no not tried. He touched him without his consent" I'm balling my fists together and they're turning white but this anger inside me needs to be released out right now or I'm gonna have to find a punching bag and Dr Sabrina is already annoying me.
"What are you talking about?" This is the first time in four weeks I've seen her eyes go that wide and her expressions turn immediately.
"This freaking guy needs help!" If this doesn't stop now I think I might just have to drag him to a fucking psychiatric hospital.
"Are you sure?" She noting down something.
"Who else is supposed to be sure then? Huh?" I lean forward. "Louis even had a bruise on his wrist. Something’s are happening and he had another bruise on his cheek. He's hiding it away from me. All of it. He saying he walked into a door when I perfectly know he got beaten up. He couldn't walk properly. He's like keeping secrets"
"Look Harry I can't be the judge of anything else right now except you. How can I tell anything about him when I've only heard what he's like." She sighs, "Look Harry I've been telling you from the start, if you want to really go forward with this relationship, you will have to give your 100% and tell him the truth. You can't expect him to be honest with you when you yourself are hiding behind something so huge. Its not ethical for any relationship. He didn’t sign up for it. OK?"
"I know" I nod.
"And I can’t let you go forward with it knowing the consequences for both of you. And as for him, talk him out of it. Whatever he's gone through. I'm certain he's upset, even if he's not showing it"
"What if he runs away from me? What then? What will I do then? I wouldn't have a purpose left"
"Harry you can't define yourself because of somebody. You are you. Neither Louis nor Nick. Nobody defines you. You are you. You define yourself by the good or bad things you do or by the character or personality you own."
"But whatever I am right now is because of him. Whatever I can feel is because of him. If I'm alive here today its because of him and Gemma. That’s all. There's nobody else who could've saved me in the past few months" all this hits me so hard, so deep all the time that whenever I think about it I drift out, zone out into being the one whose selfish, selfish enough to keep Louis for himself and himself only. But I hate selfish.
"Then make him realize this. Talk to him. Make him feel like he belongs to you and you belong to him. It cannot be one-way. Only one of the two can't be the honest one, always. There will be sacrifices and giving ups and snuggles and fighting and cuddles and cold beds and kisses but you have to be able to cope up with all of it. And even if he decides to leave just let him go and let it be. OK. Things happen and you move on."
"You say it like its smooth as buttering bread"
"But we both know it’s not" she feels whatever she's saying. She knows it all. It's so fucking hard to lose all of it.
"Do something for both of you" she looks at me smiling.
"Well it’s a Sunday today and you wanted to meet me specially. Are your questions answered yet?"
"Uh...I just wanted to talk it all out"
"That's OK. When do you want to schedule our next appointment? Tuesday or Thursday?"
"Thursday at 5:30?"
"Let me check"
"Oh OK. At 5:30"
We shake hands and exchange smiles and I leave thanking her.
After 30 minutes I find myself captured in light snores I can hear while I'm walking into my room. Shit. He felt asleep. We have to go. We have to leave in 10 minutes.
"Louis!" Its almost a whisper though I really wanted to say it loud. He isn't supposed to sleep. We have VIP passes to Liam's match. He especially got it for us. Liam's gonna be pissed if we don't turn up.
I'm standing at the edge of the bed where Louis is lying down in his... shoes? Oh he was ready. Must've slept waiting.
I walk away to the washroom and when I return he's sitting up rubbing his eyes and brushing his hair with his fingers. "You are so damn late" he whines, his voice still raspy. "Godamn bitch!" He wanted to shout I guess but he only whined about me being a bitch saying it slow enough to visually see his lips forming. He yawns mumbling out a few words while I stand there and watch my adorable pup.
"If Liam complains about it, you're gonna be the one to take the blame okay? You're the one Harry Edward styles. He anyway knows you’re a very weird kind of an asshole so I don't know what else to say. Just be ready to take the blame. Don't even try---" I muffled out a laugh. Shit.
He looks at me wide eyed. Seriously, god, he looked so adorable ranting like that when he's sleepy and annoyed his skin flushed like a little baby.
"You're laughing at me!" He stands up walking towards me and somehow I can't control my laugh because he is too cute and awesome and weird and childlike and sweet and lovely and natural and raw. I just freaking love him so much. Dr. Sabrina, she’s so right. I need to show him I love him.
He needs to know he's loved in this world. He’s supposed to know that every second of his life. He's supposed to walk on rose petals and sleep on silk sheets and bath in seas full with dolphins and whenever he walks the gods walk with him and whenever he breathes babies are born and whenever he sleeps the world sleeps with him and as for me I'll be his slave or his queen or his partner king. I'll be whatever he wants me to be, forever. Even if he told me to leave, god, I'd leave him in peace.
I don't even know how long I was in my dreaming process to not notice Louis' hands on my waist. I look down at him. "You gone deaf or what?" He punches lightly on my chest, "freaking move it"
Louis and I've met Liam who sat with us at the match and later it turns out Zayn too turned up. The match has shifted to round 5 and it doesn't seem that the other boxer may stay more than two rounds. But who knows. Louis and I are pinning for the same guy! I don't know how this happened; I never knew we had similar violent interests.
Zayn gets up to walk out the lounge. We've been 15 minutes into the match and I don’t know wanted to talk to Zayn about something’s. So I’m gonna take this opportunity to ask him this.
I follow him out. I’m glad Louis didn’t ask me where I was going.
Zayn enters the restroom and I follow him.
"You'll tell me if I ask you?"
"Yes. C'mon" he chuckles doing his business.
"What was the reason you chose bbc1 as one of your sponsors?" he’s surprised. Just that his eyeballs didn’t fall out.
"Huh? What is the reason?! Harry, you very well already know bbc1 is one of the largest sponsors in the UK. All I had to do was tell them my cause and they supported it" he snorts like I just asked him the answer to the most obvious question in the world.
"Look I'm not trying to ruin your career here or anything but you know what kind of a person Nick Grimshaw is. You know it..."
"Harry what is the matter with you? It's not that he's going to lay his hands on me. He can't. and I’ll make sure he won’t. And why would he? I won't let him -- "
"It's-its not that. I'm sorry to say all this. But I'm just worried" fuck I shouldn’t even be telling him this.
"You don't have to be. I'm 23 Harry. I'm at the point of taking my career to heights, and that exhibition was just the first step. I know how much I've struggled through college dropouts and shit. You understand, don't you?"
"I do. Very well. I just---" fuck. "I just can't get my head around the whole thing. Look--"
"If there's anything you--"
"Yes. I know it doesn't concern you in anyway or it should maybe but Nick, he's not yet rested his four year old case"
"What do you mean?"
"No matter how much I hate to say this, he wants me back. He's willing to do anything, again"
"You're being paranoid Harry. You're thinking too much"
"No! At-t your exhibition, he to-ouched Louis"
"You're kidding me?!"
"Fuck you. Why would I lie?"
"What the fuck are you saying?! You saw it happening or what"
"No. Ofcourse not"
"Louis, he told me himself Zayn" what the fucks happening to me. I'm going around everywhere telling people he was molested and harassed when I should actually be asking for his consent even before thinking about speaking about it to somebody. It's so humiliating for a person to know that the one he trusts is the one going around saying shit to people. Who else knows all this better than me? What the fuck am I doing! What the fuck!!
"You are completely being paranoid and unbelievable about this. Why would Nick do that. Like if he wants you back he'd talk to you. He always finds ways to talk to you"
"But--uh its like...like I've stopped myself from letting him approach me. He's using things, people against me. People he knows id be willing to do anything for"
"You need to go and rest"
"You think I'd lie to you about it? You were the one who knew everything before anybody else"
"I know. It's not that I have anything against you or specifically against Louis. It's just I can't put my head around the whole thing. I mean why in the world would Nick touch Louis against his will to get to you. I mean think about it" what the hell does he think he is. I am not defending Louis against something he did.
"Look Harry" he has that look on his face. Like he doesn't care whatever happens. "Everything that's happening, its between you and Louis and Nick. It has nothing to do with me and my career. So please I beg you, don't let it get between you and me and my career. I don't want relationships getting disturbed just because somebody brings ups weird stories around"
"These aren't st--"
"Nothing more Harry. We've gotten too far" if somebody told me 2 years back that zayn would be the one who would not want to believe in you after you placed all your trust in that one person when you moved to a new country I'd better slap the other guy than believe in this shit that he's telling me.
Zayn's already walking in front of me and I'm a little too far from him because seriously I don't want to see him right now but I have to because I don't know its not a shock that another person just decided to not believe you, its a shock because Zayn didn't believe you. Zayn, out of all people. Okay he has his own head and his own thinking process and what not, but not this. He thinks Louis is the one making up stories? C'mon he doesn't know him the way I do.
As I enter the stadium, screaming fans are all around jumping on their toes ready to beat the shit out of their opponent more than the boxer in the ring. Shit I entered the wrong door. I had to go upstairs to the lounge thing. But zayn went through this door. I follow him where he's going. Maybe he's got a shortcut or something.
Calling out his name around screaming and shouting crowds would be making a fool out myself. When I can't even hear my own thoughts and my own voice, I'll just be more than a fool.
I'm just following him I don't know where he's going. But I think I just lost him. No. He's just around that corner. Yeah that turn where the pizza guy just gave something to these guys sitting in suits. Oh what the fuck is wrong with Zayn. Whatever its his business. He’s shaking hands with them and taking parcels. Who cares? I just want to find my way back to the lounge.
I take the stairs up. I guess these will take me there. Yes they do. I enter in and louis’ head immediately turns to look at me.
“What took you long? The match is almost over” he huffs.
“Where’s zayn? Liam asks not shifting his glare from the men in the boxing ring.
“ he was behind me. Must be on his way”
I can feel louis’ piercing glare at me, “answer me”
“got lost on my way back” I peck him at his cheek and he squirms a little but forgets to hide his smile. He’s cute isn’t he?
should i be sorry? yes i should be.
I'M SORRY! i know it doesn't work but i have my explanations.
well first of all, my phone broke. that's where i keep all my this stuff. took more than 2 weeks to get it in a working condition. it took around a 3 days for this chapter. i had my college too. and working with different societies messed up my head and left me tired. so i just took more time. and then i kind of wasn't sure about this chapter. i still am not sure. but then when i thought about updating, the router broke. an yes my everything depends on wifi, even my breathing process, so.. i hope you understand.
anyway.just bare with me. as you have been. always!
love you loads!!! and even if you hate this chapter, don't hate me because you've seen me at my best, don't judge me at my worst!
and thankyou so much for staying. who ever s reading this!
love you so much.
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