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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 89



Louis' pov

It's more than a lazy Monday. The bedside is a little warm. Maybe Harry woke up and went outside for his coffee?! I squint my eyes to check the time. Its 6:54 a.m.


I feel the morning urge. I want to pee so bad. I don't even know if this is happening in my dream or like reality and this isn't the first time I've been confused about this. But I don't care I'm so sleepy, if I could just go to sleep again. l sleep walk to the bathroom.


As soon as I turn the knob and just step in, suddenly someone's screams enter my ears jolting me awake from my sleep and all of a sudden everything in front of me appears a little blurry and then I hear the voice cursing and then almost like shutting off the curtains and the shower turns off, "Fuck!" I've never heard him swear like that. What the fuck happened I don’t even know. I pause for a moment and then I realize. Shit shit shit. I should've knocked. "Shit i'm sorry!!" What the fuck did I do?


"You should've knocked!!" Harry screams again.


"I'm sorry! Shit shit.. shit I'm sorry" my sleep. I'm almost on my tippy toes hopping away.Fuck it. My head makes me do wrong things. I should've been more aware of the environment.


"Godammit !!!!!" I can hear him cursing behind the door.


"I'll go. I'm sorry I'll. I'm..I... sorry. fuck.. sorry ..ha.r.. I'm sorry" if only I could not stutter and apologize for barging in like that.


He stays silent for a while. I don't know maybe he realised it’s okay. There's this weird silence between us but then he says, "No its ok" he sounds calmer than before. Atleast he sounds calm even if his heartbeat is racing a thousand miles per hour just like mine.


"I'm sorry I'll wait. I shouldn't have. I'm,..... I'm ..sorry..really...what was I thinking...sorry"


"C'mon comeback, it’s OK" I can hear his feet padding across the wet floor.


"No I'll wait till you're done...I'm sorry..I'm soo soo sorry. I didn't mean ..." I say backing off from the door.


"C'mon its OK...I should've locked it. My fault..it must've been urgent...I'm sorry" he appears from behind the door in his robe.


"I said I'll wait..." I gulp the lump that had formed and I hadn't even noticed.


"C'mon I'll draw the curtains. I-its fine. Do whatever you want to...I'm sorry" he stuttering too and I can see how much effort he's putting into this situation to not make it awkward and shit, but I think it already is.


"If you say sorry again. I'm dragging you in" he continues chuckling lightly. He's too awkward to say anything. Well atleast he's trying something other than a sorry.


"Shit..I said I'll wait"


"You sure?" He's tightening the robe knot.


"Yes" I nod again gulping yet another lump in my dry throat. I think somewhere down in my pants some organs are going to burst.


"You don't sound sure" he looks at me like he knows what's up. Then, why all the screaming for? It's not that I saw him jack off or like I didn't catch him shaving those pubic hair everybody's got. I didn't even see completely what actually happened and all of a sudden I just started apologizing. I didn't even see like the bathroom lights for gods sake!! And c'mon we're boyfriends! What's the big freaking deal!


I should tell him otherwise we’ll be cleaning the floor n a minute, "Because yes, its urgent business" fuck it. I tell him.


"You don't wanna wet the carpet" he steps aside giving me way to the bathroom.


"Thank you!!!!" I run in and I can sense him smiling and glaring down at my behind. No shame in that?
................................................


It's been a hectic day with all kinds of people trying to buy almost everything at the bakery. How much do people just spend on stuffs like this. I mean it's OK to have it once in a while but sometimes I see the same people buy at least three to four times a week? Where are they storing so much of their food?


I actually should have called Stan and told him already that I won't be able to show up at his wedding and that too with Harry. I know I'm not going to get an off for like half a day forget about two days. Seriously, the bakery owner will throw me out. And this is the only job that's left for me right now in all of Cheshire. I don't know maybe there are but i know I haven't searched around much. I'm sure there are plenty available but I'm also sure they require much more qualification than what I have. Like I don't even have my graduation degree with me. What about anything else?



I park my car in the garage taking the elevator to the 2nd floor. I am about to put the key but there is no lock. Harry came back early?


I turn the knob and enter in. The house should be silent but its not and it smells all good. The television is on and its shouting those news headlines in the hall. I can hear fumbling in the kitchen and also there's running tap water.


I walk in and see Harry standing wearing his apron above too short shorts and a tank top. His hair is up in a bun. He's washing the dishes and his back is facing me. But his shoulders flex in some way it makes my stomach churn.


"You came back early today?" He turns around all of a sudden like he wasn't expecting me.


"Oh!" He chuckles, "you're here!" He turns the tap off. There is something cooking on the stove and there's something in the oven. "I was on time, you're late today"



"Oh I am?" I didn't know. I take off my bag and put it on the centre slab of the kitchen. I check my watch and yes I'm an hour late.


"I was just about to call you" he checks the stove. He was grilling chicken.


"It was a hectic day" I sit on the side slab hopping up. "I ate two donuts and a chocolate shake and then this guy told me to try this weird banana and raspberry shake and he also said it had hazelnuts. I don't know what it was...he forced me and I didn't want to but then I did.." I sigh. “It felt so yuck.”


He's walking around the kitchen putting things here and there. And then he stops, placing himself in front of me. "You seem tired?" his hands reach my face shifting hair from my face to behind my ear.


"I am. I feel like nauseating. And all this shake! I feel bloated. I think I'll vomit if I had even a single bite of anything more"


His hands travel up my thigh, "you don't feel feverish, do you?"


My stomach flips,"no not really"


"Let me check" he places the back of his palm on my forehead, "you're okay" he nods. But then he lightly places his palm on my stomach, "you are certainly bloated though" he smiles but then
my mouth leaves a loud chuckle.


"What?" I ask him still laughing, "you're calling me fat?"


"No I didn't say so" he smiles shifting closer separating my thighs to stand in between.


"Then wha--"


"I can make you corn soup. It's good for digestion" his hands travel up my sides and I shouldn't be actually shivering under his touches because he's so close that I can feel his warmth way more than I should.


"You've already cooked so much" my hands travel up his arms. “Nothing more”


"But if you need corn soup I'll make it" he shrugs. He sounds sure, he’ll make it.


I pull away and he steps a little back, "it’s okay we'll have whatever you've cooked and I think Gemma is also back"


"Okay, If you say so" he steps back and I hop down from the slab. "Are you sure though?"


"Yes" I nod.


"Okay" he turns around, "you go change I'll set the table"


Whatever he's behaving like he's behaving different and I like this different. Its more overwhelming rather than being fascinating. Its good different.


We're seated at the table including Gemma with our grilled chicken pieces, two beer bottles one juice bottle and Harry says there's dessert in the kitchen. He made tiramisu. I like tiramisu. Everybody likes tiramisu.


"So how was your day?" Harry asks Gemma.


"It was good." She sips her beer, "I think I'll get a promotion"


"This early?"


"Yeah" she looks happy, " becasue they don't have anybody at that position, that is until they appoint someone new."



"That's like really great" I say. Like seriously. Graduating and being a professional has its benefits.


"Thank-you. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Because you never know when those weird girls do something to grab it"


"Girls still do that?" Harry says gulping down his bite.


"Some of them. Like not really girls. Men do that too, no matter how surprising. They're still ready. They know how to get to you"


"Possible" Harry comments. Like it’s not even a second guess, like it’s not something general, like she meant it in a way looking at harry. God, if somehow I knew more about their personal jokes and talks, not that I want to intrude into their personal lives or something.


Like I've noticed this thing, whenever he's talking like whenever he's just listening even, about some things, he drifts off into some place. Like he'll be present here, he'll talk to you nicely. He'll be whatever you want him to be and he'll be that way but on the inside he'll be completely different. Being that one loner in class or that guy with whom you've never had a proper conversation with, just asking about assignments and other class work. Not like that proper sentenced conversation.


From whatever I've been able to know about him he is that guy whose always been a loner yet cheerful if anybody wanted to get their work done he'd do it like it’s his own work. He'll be that sweet-as-hell guy but then when you invite him over at a party he turns out be the centre of attention, in a strong positive way. But then he'll be back to the loner guy at school.


Fuck! I think I choked on my chicken. I'm coughing so bad. I should've concentrated on my food. harry styles makes me wanna die.


"Here!" Harry hands me the glass of water. I take a huge sip. Shit it's not helping, the cough. I feel another urge. Shit I need to run to the sink.
I drag my chair back as fast as possible and run to the sink covering my mouth gagging. What the fuck? Its all bitter inside my mouth already. Fuck. I feel dizzy. I think there is food in my mouth ready to explode out.


"Wait!" Harry shouts. I don't know what else I'd hear but before I can even reach the sink my mouth fills with the vomit. Fuck. This is so gross. I can't even swallow back. This is more than just gross.
I run and lean over uncovering my mouth and fucking pour everything out. Fuck. I gag out again. Vomiting every piece of that ugly cursed donut and chocolate milkshake and that weird hazelnut shake. It’s all in the sink, floating and choking the drain. I turn the tap on. I just hope I haven't vomited out some of my organs. I feel so empty stomach and dizzy i might just faint. I see blurry. Its all hazy images and blurred vision. I just hope I haven't gone blind. Seriously considering my present state of health I'm sure I need my bed more than I'll need medicine.


"Are you okay?" Harry's voice is sharp as his palm caresses my back.


"Does-" fuck! I vomit yet again gagging out whatever I had eaten. Maybe like even 2-3 days before too.



"I'll make him corn soup, take him to his room" I can hear shuffling behind me. Harry's still beside me patting my back caressing it.


"C'mon" he says as I clean my mouth three times before drinking water.


I walk to my room and Harry doesn't come with me. He stays back in the kitchen with Gemma.


I can smell the vomit on me. Seriously fuck that hazelnut shake. Who even adds hazelnuts in a shake. God! I change into new clothes but still I think I'm going to stink like this for days to come. I don't even know why I over ate, seriously this random guy is seriously fucked.


I seat myself on the bed and the Harry enters in bringing me a glass of water.
"Here have this" he hands me a pink pill.


"What's this?" I ask looking up at him.


"It'll help your stomach just have it." I take the glass of water, "open your mouth"



I stick my tongue out and he places the pill on it and I gulp it in.
"How can you be so careless, Louis?"


What? How is this my fault. "What do you mean?"


"I mean you shouldn't have overeaten stuff" he walks away to keep the pill bottle in the drawer.


"He forced me, okay? He said it was good and I should try it. So I did and then I had to lie that it was good, and then he gave me the whole glass. I couldn't help it. I had to drink it"


"Being forced isn't an excuse. Your no should've been strong enough" what is his problem? He's being so grumpy all of a sudden. What does this have to do with him anyway?


"Man chill okay? Its me who just had to vomit his organs out. So just let it be" I shrug. Okay he cares but what?


"Seriously?" He looks at me. I don't know what else to say. He's being weird. "OK. I'll let it be" he shrugs too.


Gemma walks in with the soup, "here. You'll feel good. This helps strong enough"



"You didn't real--"



"You don't get to speak here" Harry stops me. What is really wrong with him? He’s drunk or something? What's the matter with him?


"Well I just wanted to say thank-you for the effort she put in" I shrug. I really want to mock him so bad. He's acting like some shit for no particular reason that I know, so its like cut the shit right here, you know.


"You're welcome" she smiles back, "have a healthy sleep okay?" She smiles again, "you too brother" she pats his arm and walks away.


"Yeah goodnight" I say.


"Goodnight" the tall grumpy Mr Harold speaks.
Gemma walks out closing the door.


Harry walks around the bed to his side crawling up under the covers. " don't ever have something that is forced okay? You're not a kid" he's shuffling through the drawers and mumbling. If I could just shut his mouth with something.


"Okay Mr. Guacamole. I won't" I pick the soup bowl. Well it smells healthy enough.


He's sitting there shaking his head, I don't know, maybe at me? But seriously he needs to shut up with his health crap all the time.
He takes out some pills gulping them in.


"What were those for?"


"My vitamins and some iron"


You don't live healthy on pills, do you? "What are you like, 50 already?" I chuckle. He sighs again.


"These are supplements. I guess you know what supplements mean? Why should I wait till I'm 50 with no hair and can't walk to take these pills when they won't even affect me?" Dude's got a point but why should the dude know?


"Okay then die already!" I snap and then his head turns to me. He's looking at me wanting say things but he's not, I don't know why not? He's got this sad look on his face all of a sudden, I've seen on him for like so many times, but tonight it's more of a longing look.


He sighs, shakes his head and then, "go to sleep when you're done with the soup"



I shouldn't have said that. I, shit. I didn't mean that. It was just... Shit. His issues and all and we never talk about those and then I'm suddenly telling him to die. I mean I was just not thinking. Fuck. He's thinking about things now. I shouldn't have. Fuck me! Seriously, I should've just said something else or might've just sworn. I mean that would've been digestive enough for him. Fuck.
The soup is almost cold by now so I pick the bowl up and drink the whole thing at once. Keep the bowl at the night stand and tuck myself under the covers dimming the light.


Should I apologize like already? I should. I mean I feel the guilt and that joke, I mean I wouldn't have ever cracked it if I knew what would come out of my mouth when I'm not thinking enough. I have brains, it’s is not that I don't have, I just didn't use it. Fuck. I should have. His back is facing me and I'm sure he isn't asleep because his shoulders are still clenched.


I shift closer towards him. I'm sure he's already sensed what I'm up to. He shuffles his feet and then stops.

"Are you okay?" I pull him back by his shoulder. A little lightly.


"You know Harry I'm very sorry" I slide my arms around his waist shifting closer to him. He's supposed to react to my touches. At least hold my hand. I know I said things I shouldn't have but I'm apologizing. He's supposed to at least respect my actions for him. He's supposed to know I didn't mean it and he's supposed to tell me he forgives me. He's supposed to at least just do something. Just react in some way.


"You aren't listening harry" he sighs loudly. What is the matter with him really? I actually didn't mean any of it. Why doesn't he understand? I wouldn't want that to him. Ever.


"I can hear you" he speaks up. I shift in. Lying just behind him pressing my body into him.


"You aren't angry with me? Are you?" I place my chin on his upper arm. Please why isn't he doing anything?


He remains quiet like for a while until his body stirs a little. He isn't even leaning into my touch. His body isn't even responding to my touches in any possible way. His body isn't even like budging.


"There's nothing to worry about Louis, you can go to sleep" He shifts in his place a little and then takes a sharp breath.


He's acting all weird for I don't even know why. "You know if there is anything to worry about, you can, you know tell me and talk to me about it. Like always" I lay my head behind his. His curls smell of this lavender and lemon grass shampoo he uses.


I tighten my hold on his waist. Anyways he's not going to respond so I should just kind of let it be. "Hey I wanted to tell you about this, shit I totally forgot" how could have I? "Tomorrow I'll be going to Yorkshire"



"You will?" He speaks up after some thinking I guess.


"Yeah. Its Stan’s wedding. i mean I owe him at least this m-uch. He was my best friend after all" I chuckle.


"You'll drive?" He tilts to look at me but I'm still spooning him.


"Yeah of course who else?"

"Are you out of your mind?" He turns to look at me. His hands lay on my waist.

Well he said it in his calmest tone but, "Wh-at?"


"Look at you, you can't even say words without stuttering. You're gonna drive whole two hours? No way"


"C'mon it's just an upset sto-mach. I'll be fine till the morning. Anyway I'm driving around noon or something. Its a two hour drive. I'll be there for an hour or something and then drive back. I won't stay for the dinner or his after party"


“Seriously?" He looks at me. "You're going to drive in such condition to Yorkshire. God Louis you can't even know how much you have to eat and you're gonna drive all the way.."


"What is the matter with you Harry? Its not that I haven't drove before or that I haven't driven such long distances. I'm 24 for Christ's sake Harry..." What is wrong with him? What does he even want?



"You're gonna do it on your own then?" What is he even saying?


"What? What do you mean?"


"I mean if I don't come anywhere and you're doing it on your own then why are you telling me?
What's the need?"


“Ha-?”


"When I don't come anywhere then who’s forcing you to tell me?"


"Oh God Harry!" why does he make it so difficult? Like so difficult all the time. "Why are you even saying this?" What is wrong with him?


"Its just a thought. Don't worry" he shrugs. Like is it this simple? I loosen my grip on him and shift aside sitting up.
Why is he behaving this way? Is it because I said something? Or did something to hurt him. I mean c'mon there must be a reason?


"Why are you doing this all of a sudden? I mean seriously Harry? Is there something I did to hurt you or what is it?" I don't even know what I'm asking him at this point. I don't think my head is processing.


"What? No!" He props his head on his palm. "I never said that. Why would--. Nevermind" he hufs.


"No Harry, how can I not mind? This is not the way this ends. I'm mean c'mon we never talk about any issues. I want to talk this out"


He’s staring at me with wide eyes and a confused but still a knowing look. I mean he knows clearly what I'm talking about. It’s happening between us, for gods sake. He has to know about it.


"Don't look at me like that!" He's making it so impossible for us to talk by staring at me like I asked him something inappropriate.



He doesn't say anything. He sits up. "Look Lou, if this about the thing that happened in the morning. I didn't intend to shout at you like that. It was out of nowhere. It was a sudden reaction I couldn't help myself. And I'm really sorry for it. I apologized"


"This isn't about the morning. I understand you need your privacy. Everybody needs their own privacy. I know I shouldn't have barged in like that. But if you're talking about it..." I take a sharp breath, "if you're.. you know, I mean we're boyfriends Harry, I don't mean it in a wrong way, I mean I'm not telling you to share your personal or private space with me or sacrifice it. I mean it's just...it's okay if that happens once in a while..you know..I mean..." Fuck how did these words even come out of my mouth? How am I supposed to say it? "You understand right?" He looks at me a little bewildered but then his face changes into a more embarrassed apologetic soft face. Like he knows what I'm about to say but it's a little difficult for him to accept it, "that can happen once in a while, it's not intentionally or something, it's just you know... I mean we do share this kind of sharing space between us? We do, right?" He's looking down at his hands and its like he's refusing to look up but then he does.


"Lo-u?" His voice cracks. Oh shit. Did I say too much? I must've said too much. I don't even know what I said. I must've said shit. Too shit. I just kept blabbering about something I have so little knowledge of. "It’s my fault. I've never intended to do such things, and I'm very sorry I've made you feel that way."



"No Harry. It’s not about freaking sorry. We're both immature to not understand how relationships and shit like this works but I mean we can do this together, can't we? I've never been in a relationship before and as far as I know you haven't been too. So as a starting, as a beginning we can help each other out through things, through situations, through awkward behaviour around each other. We can always help in ways we don’t even know" what the fuck am I even blabbering about? "God! I'm 24 and I'm still a virgin, how much of a little creepy schoolgirl does that make me?" I chuckle almost laughing and then Harry's looking at me with his dimpled smile trying to force out from his lips.


"You're more than fine compared to a normal 24 year old, Lou. You're more than good" he smiles bright as ever but then it falters and fades away.



I shift a little closer to him placing my palm on his thigh, "And like I said before if there's something you want to talk about or anything you want to share or even bitch about some dipshit asshole I'll always be available. Knock any time" i pat. "You know that, right?"


He nods silently looking up at me with a more apologetic look. He doesn't have to be apologetic for anything. Like none.


"Is this, like all this just because we share a title? Like we're 'boyfriends' so we're supposed to do this and do that, why?" His expression completely changes his volume has also increased. He's looking at me with narrow eyes and a scowl on his face. What did he even mean? Well, whatever I said I'm sure I never said anything that meant whatever he said. All I meant was if he thinks we're in a relationship then we should actually act like one and help each other in ways that are possible. Maybe I over exaggerated my thoughts but I never fucking did mean what he just fucking said. I would never want that. I'd better be without a relationship than behave like some obligated bitch just because we share title.


I pull my hand away. Seriously this is so shitty. "Harry? God! Why ....why? Did you just say that?" I don't even know what to think now. "This is so fucking mess--"


"Do not swear like that!" He raises his hands in the air defencively. He's saying such big stuff and all he cares about is that I just swore?


"I-" I don't even know what to expect or what to say even. Like shit seriously considering Harry I never thought, Harry out of all people would say this to me? "Look I don't know why in the world you freaking said that but f.y.I. I didn't mean what you are thinking. It’s all right with me if you're not willing to do 'things' okay? I said that in the beginning" fucking great! "Take all the time you w--"


"That's right, that's damn right i’m not yet ready to share anything. Why don't you just get it? I mean I need my privacy more than anything right now and every single moment" he pauses. Why is he screaming at me like that?, "just feed it somewhere. Ju-just make it clear somewhere in you-r head" his eyes flutter for a second. His voice also did break. But then he looks at me his expression changes back to when he looked all apologetic but then he pulls the covers up to his chest, lays back faces away from me, switches off his lamp and God knows he went to sleep.


"Damn right I will Harry" I too turn around switch off the lamp, pull the covers up and maybe I did go to sleep but who cares?

Notes

i am s sleepy right now, i could literally fall asleep while typing this, but congrats i didn't. i know im taking time in updating but you know semester sucks out the life out.


anyway!!!! tell me if youre liking it anymore!!!!

Comments

Hi guys, if you are reading this fiction, please continue reading it on the new user id I have created. Which is "Boomelouu". The old one is "boomelou" The one I am using now. I shall be continuing the story there.

thankyou for all the love and support!

Boomelouu Boomelouu
6/5/20

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17