Life seems all messed up right now. I know I did that. I know that my actions made it like this. I know that I overreacted, that I shouldn't have gotten so angry about one little thing. But honestly - it's hard. That I everyday have to hide such a big part in my life, to my father and to one of my best friends, or the rest of the world for that matter. That I don't feel like I can express my feelings like I normally would and that I don't know if I truly know the person he really is.

I overreacted. I shouldn't have said the things I did, I shouldn't have ended it like that. I've wanted to call him every hour since then, but I chicken out every time. I don't know why, maybe it's pride, but I don't know how to tell him that I made a mistake. Sure he did too, I still think that he should have contacted me, but I guess everything is a little more messed up because he can't let anyone know.

My hesitation to call him is also because he hasn't tried to contact me besides that one call he made directly after I hung up. Nothing. I don't know if he just gave up. Who wants to be with a girl who acts like a total bitch because of one little thing? Fucking hormones. I was right though, the morning after I got my period. So that makes it a little more okay, the fact that I somewhat can blame that, but still - it's nothing I would ever do. I'm still me. I have to stand for what I do, even if my emotions are heightened.

I've been a total mess though since. I've switched between anger and tears so many times a day, that I can't keep up. I just don't know what to do. It's been two days. I know I should just pick up the phone and call him, but I can't make myself do it. What if he's just over it? What if he hits ignore? I'm not sure my heart could stand that. I think I would rather do it face to face though, even if rejection would be harder that way. But I feel like I need to see him. I just don't know when he's coming home.

I guess I could find that out through Harry. I haven't talked to him since my birthday, so maybe I should call him? That wouldn't be too obvious, we talk all the time. That way I could at least find out when they're suppose to be home and maybe I can go over to Louis apartment. Yeah, I should do that.

“Hello?” Lea waves her hands in front of my face, trying to get my attention. I look up at her, getting out of my trance. “You alive in there?” She ask, her eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, sorry.” I say, shaking my head and concentrate on her.

“You've been moping around too long now, you need to talk to him.” She say, pushing it further. She's been very supportive these past days, listening to my constant mix of emotions. Though she's pushed me calling Louis all this time. I've tried to explain that I can't do it, I physically can't. I'm such a coward.

“I know. I'm going to call Harry when I'm done here to find out when they get home. I don't think I can talk to him over the phone, I need to see him and see his reaction when I talk to him.” I say and she nods in understanding. She stroke my upper arm in a soothing way.

“It will be fine honey.” She gives me a side hug before walking to the customer waiting by the counter. I continue with the dishes that I had been working on. I'm not so sure about it being alright. The fact that he hasn't even sent a text or anything, makes my stomach clench. I know that I haven't expressed my feelings for him, not in the way I should. But I'm so scared that he's not ready for it. He's expressed several times how broken he got by his ex and how he doesn't know how to trust people. He hasn't uttered any feelings towards me, more than that he wants to see where this go, and that fact makes it hard to do it to him. What if he isn't ready? That means that it's all over. Though I guess that possibility might already exist, but... I don't know. Urg! Life really feels complicated right now.

As soon as my shift ends, I almost run home to call Harry. I throw my jacket on the floor and sit down on the couch as I press call on his name on my phone. Though when the ringtone starts, I stand up and starts to pace the room. My nerves is too heighten.

“Hello kitten.” He answers and I frown, stopping in the middle of a step.

“Hey dog.” I say back, wondering what that is coming from.

“I'm not a dog!” Harry exclaim, sounding appalled.

“Well, I'm not a kitten.” I say and sit down on my couch again, my pulse slowing down just listening to Harry's voice. He's always had this calming affect on me.

“Yes you are! You're small, fluffy and cute.” He say and chuckle. I make a face even though he can't see me.

“Fuck you.” I say, though a light snicker leaves my mouth. This is the first time I've smiled in these past few days. I should have called Harry before. I don't know why I didn't think of the fact that Harry always makes everything better.

“So how is my little pussy?” He ask, and I can actually here the huge smirk on his face.

“Oh. My. God! You are so asking for it, Mr Peed his bed until he was eight.” I say back and he gasp.

“I told you that in confidence!” He say, trying to sound hurt, but he's probably smiling as wide as I am. I've missed our little banters.

“Yeah, yeah. So what are my little wee-dog doing?” I ask, smirking. He huffs on the other end.

“I'm actually in Germany.” He say and I make an Oh? Like I didn't know. “Yeah, we're here on promotional duties.”

“Oh really? When are you coming back?” I ask, biting my lip, getting a little nervous.

“Is someone missing me?” He ask cocky.

“No. I want to know for how long I can enjoy this beautiful quietness here in London.” I say sighing excessively.

“Ha. ha. I know you miss me little girl.” He say and I really do. I need something fun right now and everything is always fun when I'm with him.

“Yeah, I do. So?” I say, feeling a little irritated because I want to know when their coming back. I get nervous just thinking about it.

“We'll be back tomorrow. You wanna meet up? I think Liam is having a party. You up for it?” He ask and I bite the inside of my lip. A party?

“Is it a big party?” I wonder.

“Yeah, well, as many people as can fit. It's not just us anyway.” He say and that means that Louis will be there, no doubt. Maybe that is good? We could get a quiet corner and talk. If it doesn't end well, which I fear, then I can just leave. I think that's safer than if I'm going to go to his apartment, I would probably run into Harry or one of the other boys there. I don't know how I would get out of that one.

“Okey, I'll come.” I say, without even really deciding on it. I bite my lip. Now I got nervous. What the hell am I going to say to him? What if he doesn't want to talk to me at all. Oh, what am I going to wear? I tell Harry that I have to rummage through my wardrobe for something to wear and we hang up. He'll be picking me up at nine the following day.

I put three outfits on the dresser for me to decide tomorrow. I always have to see what I feel like the same day, it differ from day to day. Now I'm beat and just want some sleep. I've slept so bad these past nights and it's making me so tired, nauseous and emotional – more so than I already am.

I crawl under my cover, feeling so alone in my bed. It's insane how fast you get used to having someone else in it. Just to feel his warm body next to me during the night. I miss it incredibly. I sigh and turn to lay on my side, cuddling into a ball. I feel extremely alert for someone who hasn't slept in a couple of days. Now, though, it's probably because I'm all of a sudden scared to death. I wonder what will happen tomorrow when I see him. I feel my heart beat a couple of extra beats.

---

From Harry
The beer is gonna be gone when we get there.

Harry sends the third text to me in three minutes. He texted basically eight minutes ago to say that he was here, I wasn't ready though so I said I'd be a minute. Now he's irritating me with text every minute. I didn't get off work until late, so I've had to hurry to get ready. I decided on a pair of black tight jeans and a white crop top. I decided to go with something that I really feel comfortable in, rather than looking sexy or something. I'm so fucking nervous and has been all day. Lea has tried to calm me down, but to no good. I pull a cardigan over my arms and then move to the hall to put my shoes on. I guess this stressing was a good thing though, because I haven't had time to worry too much. I put my jacket on and close the door before locking it. I see Harry sitting in his car outside and digging to some music.

“Hello.” I say as I open the door and the music blast at me, Harry smiling before turning the volume down.

“Hey there, lazy-bum.” He say as he kisses my cheek. I roll my eyes.

“I was late from work, but I'm not that late you wanker.” I say and I put the seatbelt on. Harry laughs loud before pulling the car onto the street.

“I've missed you crazy woman.” He say and smirk over at me. I feel myself smiling and relaxing a little in my seat.

“I know you have.” I say cocky and he continues to laugh.

His laughter calms my nerves, but only temporary. When we get closer to their apartment building I start to breath harder. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I choose this time to talk to him? What if he doesn't want me there? I feel my hands shake and I sit on them to hide it. I try to keep my emotions in check so Harry doesn't sense them. He stops his car in the garage and I open the door and let out a loud breath. Would Louis do something in front of the others to embarrass me? No I don't think so. I hope not. Fuck! I don't know.

We walk up the few stairs there to the elevator. I can feel my heart beating in my chest, it feels like he should be able to hear it in the quiet elevator. It's sounding so hard in my head, that I feel like it'll explode any second.

“You okey?” Harry ask as the elevator doors open.

“Yeah. This should be fun.” I say, not sounding convincing at all. He chuckles though. As usual he doesn't knock on the door, he just opens it. The apartment is warm and I hear music and talking all over the place. When Harry holds his hand out for my jacket I give him my cardigan also, it's warm enough with only my top. Also my nerves make me sweat a little too.

I take a deep breath as we move further into the apartment. Will he be here? How will he react? My eyes scan the place, jumping from face to face. Harry walks towards the living room, where most people are and I follow. He stops as he enters and say hi to someone. I move past him and stop in my tracks as my eyes find Louis.

On the couch.

With her.

Notes

Uh-oh!!!! Looouuuiiissss...!!?!

Thank you guys for all the love you give me and this story, it means so friiicken much! I can't even tell you. I think about this story all the time and wish I could write all day long. But it actually takes me a while to write a chapter, I want to make it so perfect, both in what happens but also with grammar and such (even though I know there's mistakes all over this story since I don't have the time to be too accurate.)

Hope you like it though! Please comment and raaate! ;)
xx.