His Bandmate

I've made it over to the grey comfortable couch, laying on my back and looking out of the window. I see the trees swaying outside and the clouds rolling over the sky. The sun has just begun to rise, making the clouds shift in different pink and orange colors. I got home after midnight last night and haven't even slept one minute all night. I layed in my bed for the first four hours, trying to find some peace and sleep, but when that didn't happen I moved over to the couch. I have to get up to work in a while, but is laying here silent at the moment, letting my mind go wild.

Yesterday was awful. I love the guys, they are so sweet and funny, but the tension was way too much. Louis was giving me sexual remarks all the time, though they were hidden, so I isn't sure that anyone else understood them, which is good. God, that guy makes me so irritated! He's an real asshole. The way he talks about girls, which he apparently do all the time, is like they were objects. Or worse, sexual toys. I could feel Harry become uncomfortable as Louis talked about what he would do to a woman he saw on the TV or the way he described the sex-date he had been on a week ago. Yuk! I can't believe that I slept with him. It's disgusting. He has probably been with hundreds of women. I should go get tested, even though we used a condom.

His stare though still make me weak. It's insane how powerful his eyes are, they are really piercing down deep into my soul when he looks at me. Not to talk about his touch. I thought it would be fine when we were so few last night, that he wouldn't find a way to be near me, but he found it. Like when I got out from the bathroom, he decided to go in after me, making sure that he touched my hand or my shoulder when he walked by me. Or how he always happened to reach for the bowl of chips at the same time as me so our hands touched, giving me electric shocks up my arm.

I hate my own reaction to that too. It would make me blush and for some horrible reason reach for Harry. I would hold his hand, play with his hair or, worst of all, lean in to give him a kiss. I could feel Louis's eyes on us as I did. I hate it, because I know that I did it only to make him jealous. Why would I care what he felt? Why did I care?

I was so relieved when the night ended and it was time to go home. It was exhausting to be around Louis for more than a couple of minutes, let alone a couple of hours. It wasn't until I got home that I remembered that Harry lived in the same building as Liam. That made me wonder why he hadn't invited me to his place after. We'd been going out for a couple of weeks now, been on several dates, kissed and cuddle, but still no hint on anything else. He didn't even try to feel me up, which made me frustrated. Then again, did I want him to? I really like Harry, he's the sweetest guy I've ever met and so funny and nice to be around. But I have a feeling, that I've felt before, that it's basically the same as with Joe and that scares me. Do I not like Harry like that? You know, like like him? It makes me sad to think about it. First of all because I really like him, he's one of the few people that I feel really comfortable around, and secondly because I really, really hate hurting people. The thought about once again telling someone that I don't have those feelings for them, makes my stomach turn. But maybe I have to? Or do I feel something for him? Argh! I don't know.

I get myself up and over to the bathroom to get a shower, it's already six thirty and I need to get ready for work. I'm so tired that it's hard to keep my eyes open, but I still know that I won't be able to sleep until I've figured out what I'm going to do. I put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, putting my hair up in a messy bun on my head before heading out into the lightly dripping air. I get into the Bakery a minute before my shift starts and Lea looks up as I come inside. Her eyes goes wide as she sees me, but she continues taking the order from a customer.

“Hey, you look awful.” She say as I come behind the disk and put my jacket in the back.

“Thanks.” I mumble as I take the apron and put it on.

“I didn't mean it like that. You look tired, did you sleep bad?” Her voice is filled with concern.

“I didn't sleep at all.” I say, sighing.

“What's going on?” She puts her arm around my shoulder and I lean into her, feeling safe in her presence. I remember the first thing she said to me when she started working here, it was You sound weird. Which was her nice way of asking where I came from. I laughed so hard at that, mostly because I was nervous about her starting there, but also because it was the perfect thing to say to melt the ice. After that our relationship just flowed on and it didn't take long before we became best friends.

“It feels like history is repeating itself.” I sigh and she runs her hand over my shoulder, trying to comfort me. Thankfully there isn't any customer needing our attention right now.

“What do you mean?” I can hear her frown even though I can't see it since I have my head on her shoulder.

“I think maybe Harry...he...he's the same as Joe.” I hesitate to say the words out loud. I still don't know if they are true, I really like Harry, but I have to be true to myself. I don't get that deep pull as I do when Louis touches me. I know for sure that what I feel for Louis is only sexual, because I've been there – done that and know how good it was. But shouldn't I feel something similar to Harry? It's wonderful to kiss Harry, he's an excellent kisser, but I'm not sure that it's as it should be – we don't really want more, not what it feels like anyway. After that first kiss with Louis, I needed him bad, but with Harry I feel content with what I got. It shouldn't be like that. I sigh.

“Oh honey. I thought it was going good?” She ask, as I pull away from her to sit on the workbench.

“It was, I really like Harry, but I don't feel that thing...that spark that I should. Not like with...” I hesitate, looking at Lea. I can't say the name out loud, it's too dirty. I don't want to feel anything for Louis. Yuk! She gives me an understanding look though, she knows about sexual attraction. She's out every weekend trying to find it.

“I'm sorry. I really thought you guys would hit it off.” She say, sounding sad.

“We did and I wish that I could feel more for him, because he's like my soul mate. I love being with him. But there's no pull.” I say, feeling myself become even more depressed. Saying all this loud, the things that I've been thinking all night, makes them much more real.

“The most important thing.” She mumbles. “You have to tell him. Hopefully you can stay friends?” She say uncertain. Who have heard of that before? Two people dating and then becoming friends. Yeah, right!

“Argh! I don't want to do this. Why did you have to make me go on a date with him? This is exactly why I didn't want to date. I should be celibate!” I groan. Lea gives me an understanding gaze as a customer comes up to the disk and Lea goes over to get his order. I walk to the back as he say that he's picking up a cake and I fetch it for him as Lea charges him. When he's gone, Lea turns to me with an apologetic expression.

“I'm sorry for making you go on that date. I'll make it up to you. We said a month table cleaning right?” She say and that makes me snicker.

“You'd better make it two.” I say and she beams, her smile taking over most of her face.

“Done!” She gives me a hug and I gladly take it, absorbing the comfort. I have to tell Harry and that will break me. I don't know how to do it. It was the worst time in my life when I did it to Joe, but still I was in a relationship with him and he did tell me that he loved me. So it's a little different since we just started dating, but still I feel such a connection to him that it hurts me to end it.



The day drags on and my sleepless night makes itself reminded all through the day. I'm beat as I finally end my workday at five. Lea ended her shift two hours earlier since she opened this morning, so I walk alone the short way home. I still haven't decided how I'm going to do this with Harry. I know that I have to tell him somehow, I have to realize that I'm not going to fall in love with him, not right now anyway. He really is an amazing guy and it would be so sad to loose him. I need to be honest though.

To Harry:
Hi, Are you doing anything? Could we meet?

I decided to just do it. Like ripping of a bandaid, do it fast. I was very nervous though and felt my hands getting clammy as I waited for an reply.

From Harry:
Hey! I'd love to. Are you home?

I feel even worse to see that word, love. Even though I know it isn't used in the same way that Joe did, it still makes me nauseated.

To Harry:
Yes, I just got home.

From Harry:
I'll be there in 20.

I put my phone down on the living room table and go into my bedroom to change into some sweatpants, I need to be comfortable when I do this. My stomach is in a total rebellion as I sit down on the couch, waiting. How am I going to do this? What should I say? I feel so sad that I won't be hanging out with him anymore, he's made these past weeks so much fun. Why the hell can't I be in love with him? I really want to.

My heartbeat increases rapidly as I hear the doorbell ring. I take a deep breath before standing up and walking over to it. Harry stands on the other side in grey jacket, a blue and white bandana holding back his hair and his dimpled smile. Heartbreaking! I try to give him a smile back, but it comes out more of a grimace, so I quickly turn my head away and make room for him to come inside.

“Hey.” He say and give me a kiss on the cheek. I feel my cheeks flush out of embarrassment of what I'm about to do. He has no idea. I'm a heartless bitch!

“Hi.” I say, my voice low. He hangs his jacket up and takes off his shoes before we walk into the living room and I sit down on the edge of the couch. He tumbles down on the couch beside me.

“How was work?” He ask, his eyes appraising me, seeing the dark circles under my eyes.

“It was okey.” I say and look down at my hands in my lap. I don't know how to start this.

“You look tired.” He sound worried.

“I didn't sleep so well.” I admit, starting to twist my hands in my lap. I know he can tell that I'm nervous, I can't hide it.

“Are you okey?” He sounds serious now, concern etching his voice.

“Yeah...i-it's just...uh, I d-don't know ho-ow to say t-this.” I stutter, feeling a little faint from not breathing normally. I can feel his eyes on me and it makes me even more uncomfortable. I don't want to do this, I can't stand to hurt someone, it's just awful. I don't like it a bit!

“Hey, it's okey. Just tell me.” He say with a comforting voice, putting one of his hands over mine, forcing them to stay still. Okey, Juli – just do it! I close my eyes and forces the words out of me.

“I r-really like you. You're one of the best people I've met. I just. I just don't know if...uh, if I like you more than a friend.” I say in one breath, feeling my cheeks flush with hate for myself as the room is quiet. All of a sudden I hear chuckles beside me and look up at him, feeling all of a sudden angry. He's laughing at me? What the hell?

Notes

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