Reviews with the Reader

Okay, where to start. Let’s work on the things you can improve on and then to things I think are utterly fantastic.

First off; you have a very interesting plot and story line. I’m a sucker for sci-fi and hybrid so you definitely won me over with that. I adore the way you’ve started with the POV of a 5 year old and worked from there in chronological order. Makes things so much more easier on the reader and how things flow when we read them.

You’ve got small things written which we can imagine in our heads but they’d be much more lovely to be descriptive and picturesque. No matter how dark, light, happy or emotionally distraught; there are little things I’d love to feel from the characters: for example ~

One guard slipped on some water that was dripping from a broken pipe. I thought it was funny so I laughed. The guard then beat me afterwards. I guess people don't want us happy.

Could be changed to something simple such as:

A single guard walking me slipped on some water which was dripping onto the ground from a broken pipe - completely unexpected. I couldn’t contain my laughter; chuckles escaping from my lips as I tried to control my humour. The guard and I mustn’t have shared the same sense of humour because I was taken care of brutally in the quickest of time; I guess people didn’t want us happy.

Also; if possible - try and extend your sentences out a little further and longer if you can and it’s suitable. Also, feel free to cut out the stuff you don’t need and try reading the text out aloud to see/hear if it makes sense. When I first started writing, this was a huge help for me. Another quick example of all this ~

Today I'm leaving one hell-hole for another hell-hole. This happens quite often, every few years I get a new owner to get abused by until they get bored of me. Apparently after a few years my master decided he was bored of my begging and screaming for him to stop stripping away the slightest bit of innocence I have left.

Could be changed to:

Today, I’m leaving one hell-hole just in time for another; this happens quite often, every for years or so I get a new owner who abuses me until they get bored. Apparently, after a few years my master decided he was over my begging and screaming for him to stop stripping away the slightest bit of innocence I had left.

Another quick thing; make sure you don’t change tense half way through typing something. Either keep it all present or all past.

Try not to move things on so quickly, for example; with Breale, we just met her and then bang.. she’s gone. I would have loved to of had more interaction from her and learnt about her and how/why she effected Harry so much. I found after the first few chapters things rushed. Also; on a different note; I’m really happy/proud you continued writing through all the bad experiences you had. Writing is really the best medicine and I’m sorry for your loss.

Lastly; be sure to keep your formatting consistent with each chapter. Makes it easier on the eyes, overall though - it’s not something you really need to worry about.

Overall, I think you’ve got something that’s working really well; and I can’t wait to read more xo <3

Notes

Hi, new review! Just thought I'd say to everyone :) xoxo
<3 punkrockshow <3