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Reviews with the Reader

Pretty Hurts

So far I like where this is heading! The intro was eye catching, and grammar was pretty good. There were just a few things that may need some looking back at.

So for the first thing, when you had quotations you wouldn't put who said them after. So for example you would say something along the lines of:

"I'm so proud of you" I smiled and...

Instead maybe you could try:

"I'm so proud of you" Harry praised as he kisses my neck....

I don't remember exactly what it said, but if you put who said something it makes it easier for the reader to read.

Also if you add some details then the reader can picture a scene a little better, then without. So when your describing a dance or a place you can include smells, things you see, how something feels, and other things like that.

Over all this story has a lot of potential! I like how your foreshadowing some conflict, and your grammar is pretty good. I would really like to read more of this story in the future, so please continue!

Overall rating: 8

Notes

Comments

@Oops_Hi

Hii! Yeah I'm still (kind of) active. I could probably do it, but it could be a while I usually get on like once a week. But I might be able to make some time. c: can't wait!

This_crazy_girl
8/27/15

ntEeeyyyyy back again this account use to be called Goldenheart. You reviewed Secrets(use to be called Stand), and Captured which both times helped, so I got another Fanfic if you do not mind checking out its just the start of it though. It's Called Angles and Demons. please and thank you I dont know if you are still active though. and if you wouldnt mind please do another review of Secrets since we added a lot. again please and thank you.

Hi_Oops
8/21/15

Could you do A Feeling That I Can't Fight? It was my first fanfiction and I don't know how I did on it. Please and thank you ;D

Steffi_Hemmings00 @ 5SecondsOfSummerFanfiction.com
1/17/15

I don't know if I asked yet or not lol but coukd you please review my story (how you changed my life) because its my first fanfic ever and I would like on advice and would like to know how I'm doing