Forever Alone

She promised me that she would wait for me. She didn’t want to be with me and I was oddly okay with it. I wanted to give her all the time in the world. I want her to be mine again and if she wants space then I will give her space. She needs her time. She needs to know that I’m not selfish. I will give her what she wants. I do love her after all.

I dropped her off at the airport. Bridgette and Rachel were leaving too. It was going to be hard on us guys. You know, touring without them. We had come so accustomed to having them by our sides that the sight of them leaving was just excruciating. It hurt. A piece of me was missing yet she wants space. Space is so vast. Space is so endless. Space is nothing but air and distance. Why does she want space? Is she going to find someone else? Is she going to love someone else? Is she giving up on us?

Months have passed and we have been finishing up our tour. I haven’t talked to Judith in days. Wait weeks. No months. Yeah months. She hasn’t contacted me. She didn’t want to contact me. She wanted space. Endless, useless space. She wanted it and I was stupid enough to give it to her. She still had a piece of me with her. She had one of my favorite necklaces. She had picked it out for me when we went shopping in New York. I had given it to her so that she wouldn’t forget me. I did miss her. A piece of me was missing.

Harry and Liam get calls from Bridgette and Rachel but I haven’t gotten one from Judith. Every time Harry or Liam would talk to their girlfriends I would tell them to ask about Judith for me. They always said the same thing. She was fine. Fine? She was always fine? Judith was never fine. She always told me that she was never fine. That there was always something bothering her. Something that was eating away at her. She was never fine so what she told me. I always believed her. Well then again maybe she was happy since she was figuring her life out. Maybe things are fine.

The time arrived for us to return to London. My birthday was in a couple of days and we will be returning to London on my birthday. The lads promised me that they would take me out for my birthday but I wanted to see Judith. I wanted to see her smiling face. I wanted to see if she wanted me. I wanted to see if she had missed me. I had been gone for months. I needed to see her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and kiss her. I wanted to strip her down until she was naked and make endless love to her. I wanted to show her how much I had missed her. I want to tell her that I love her. I want to know if she loves me back. I know she does but hopefully she has forgotten about everything that has happened between us. I want to love her again. I want her to love me again. I want everything to be back to normal. I wanted Judith. I needed Judith. Judith.

She was always on my mind. Whether it had been that the sun was out or that the rain that hit the sidewalk at a 30 degree angle as it fell from the sky; it made me think of Judith. She was the center of my world. She was all I ever thought about. Everything that I have dreamed of. Yes she claimed to be broken but that was okay. Nobody is perfect. But to me Judith is perfect. She is the sweetest girl. She is so kind. She is everything I wanted in a girl. Just because she was abused by her old boyfriend and this so called “broken” I still love her. I love her. I will never stop loving her. My love for her will always exist. Whether she is in my life or not I will love her. I will love her until I die. She is someone I care about. Someone I cherish. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I know it hasn’t been that long with Judith but I do love her. I love everything about her. I love her smile. I love the way her eyes light up when she did something embarrassing. I love her cocky comments. I love her laugh. I love the way her hair falls just above her shoulder. I love the way she giggles at the TV shows because her laugh would be taking it too far. I love the way her hand holds mine. The smooth skin that was on the surface of her hand that barely touches mine. The way she drew circles on my bare chest just after we had sex. The way she huffed when she got mad. Judith, I love you. I do. I always have. I always will.

I promised her before we started dating that I would never leave her. I will never leave her. That promise I will keep. She promised me that she would not forget about me. I don’t think she has. I have a feeling that she hasn’t forgotten about me. I miss her. I really do. She says that she always keeps her promises. I always keep mine too. I promised her that night that I wouldn’t forget her either. That’s if for some reason that she didn’t want me as a boyfriend that I would look for someone new. But I highly doubt it that she won’t want me. Who wouldn’t want me? The way she made love to me that night before she left was magical and wonderful. She was beautiful.

I remember the first time Judith and I had sex she was scared. She had told me about all her scars and bruises she had gotten from Steve. When we had sex I looked at her body and saw nothing but beauty. Pure beauty. I kept telling her that she was beautiful and that she was sexy. She was. She was beautiful. She was mine. She will be mine again.

I was nudged by Louis because I must have fallen asleep. We were boarding the plane to go home. I couldn’t wait to go home. I couldn’t wait to go see her. I couldn’t wait to kiss her. I felt like a child on Christmas. My hands were sweating. I was nervous but I knew that I wanted to be with her. I missed her a whole lot. I needed to be with her.

The plane took off and my nerves started to settle in. I was ready to go back home. Back to being with her. Telling her how much I had missed her. Showing her how much I had missed her. I closed my eyes and listened to Louis’ and Zayn’s conversation next to me. I shortly drifted off to sleep dreaming about her like I always did.

I was being shaken by Liam. When I opened my eyes he had a smile on his face. Why was he so happy? Then it hit me. I was home! I was going to be with Judith again. I jumped out of my seat encouraging Louis and Zayn to move a little faster. They were taking their sweet old time just to annoy me. We exited the plane and we were engulfed by what seemed to be a million fans.

Squirming through them we found our way to the car. I had no happy birthday texts from her. There was one from my mom. She was the best mom in the world. That was strange. I texted her hoping that she would reply but nothing came back in the time it took us to leave the airport to get home.

We all scurried out of the car and we made our way to the elevator. The lads and I all crammed into the elevator which took us up to our floor. Once the doors opened on our floor we all went our separate ways. I watched Louis go into his flat. I watched Liam shut the door behind him. I saw Harry slide in passed his door. I saw Zayn drag himself in. He had a rough flight.

I walked up to my door and opened it. I walked into my flat and the room smelt like home. It smelt like me for some strange reason. I had been gone so long I didn’t know that the scent would still linger in the air. I looked at the couch and that’s where Judith and I almost kissed the first time but she got nervous like she always did and ran away. I told her that night that it was okay but after that I night I moved onto Donna. I placed my bags by the door and went to the kitchen. I had built up a thirst and I figured that I shouldn’t be parched when I go to see Judith. I just couldn’t wait to see her. My heart was racing just thinking about her. Wrapping my mind around that I was finally home to be with her. I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and turned to sit on the counter. I then noticed a white envelope on it. I put the water on the counter and studied the envelope.

It was her handwriting. It only be from her. I took the letter and made my way to my room. I had to read alone in private. I went into my room and sat on my bed. Is it bad that my heart stopped? Is it bad that I wanted to cry because I could feel like something is wrong? Something wasn’t right about this. Then again this could be a surprise and she could walk through my door. I guess I will have to read it or I won’t know whether it is good or bad. I stared at the envelope looking at each letter. Studying them. Tracing my finger over them and…

I read: My Dearest Niall.

Notes