Forever Alone

You have been in LA with the boys for two weeks now. You guys were going to go your separate ways soon. You were really going to miss them. You were going to miss their laughter filling up the halls of the building. You were going to miss seeing them every morning as you went to for your morning coffee. You were going to miss their crazy antics and childish ways. Where are you going Judith?

I’m going back to London but they won’t be there. These past two weeks have been amazing. Louis and I have been hanging out all day every day. I saw Niall a few times but he never looked at me. He tried calling me. But I didn’t answer. He tried texting me but I just deleted them. He tried talking to me but I just walked away. I know I am being stubborn with him but I don’t want to fall back in love with him. Then again I never really fell out of love with him. It was just that he hurt me. It hurt. I sort of don’t know if he won’t do that again. I don’t want to find out either. My heart can only endure so much pain.

Louis came barging into his room with a smile on his face. He was followed by Zayn. Everyone else was probably out enjoying their couples’ day. You looked at both of them and you just didn’t know what to say. They were staring at you smiling. They sat on the coffee table in front of the couch as you were drinking your coffee.

“Judith, promise me you won’t get mad,” Louis spoke.

“Mad about what?” you asked

“Jude, we want you to talk to Niall,” Zayn answered.

“No!” you shouted.

“Jude, please. He is really bummed out by this. Please talk to him,” Louis whined.

“You don’t have to get back together with him. Just hear him out before you leave,” Zayn answered.

“NO!” you shouted louder.

Louis grabbed your face and looked into your eyes, “He loves you Judith. Yes he made a mistake. Yes he should’ve never done that. Yes a mistake is a mistake but it’s eating at him. It’s making him all sad and depressed. You don’t get like that when you don’t love somebody. He loves you. Always have. Always will.”

“Fine,” you whispered, “When do I go?”

“Right now,” Louis smiled.

“Bastard,” you muttered.

“Yup,” he kissed your forehead.

You made your way off the couch and over to your bag. You decided on something casual. You weren’t going on a date. You were just going to lunch. Lunch with Niall. The boy who had stomped on your heart breaking it into a million pieces. It was heartbreaking to know that you were going to see him. But you promised your friends that you would talk to him. Hear him out so to speak. Listen to what he has to say.

You walked down to the lobby and you saw his back. He wasn’t facing towards you. He was staring out the front doors of the hotel watching the fans outside squander and yell their heads off. You walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and smiled at you. His eyes were tired. He had bags underneath them. Lack of sleep? You were like that too. You tossed and turned all night long. You just couldn’t sleep. He was always on your mind. He was dominating his thoughts. He was your everything.

You guys walked out of the hotel being greeted by the fans. They were screaming his name out saying how cute you guys were. How adorable you guys were. The fans never knew that you guys broke up. You didn’t want to put that on them. They would’ve destroyed both of you with the negative comments. They would’ve made you cry even more.

After filing through the crowd of people you guys arrived at the restaurant. It was an outdoor café and since it was the nice LA weather you have grown to love, it was the perfect spot for lunch. You guys were seated outside on the left side of the patio. The sun was blocked by an oversize umbrella. It was quite cool underneath it. It was rather refreshing.

Most of the time you guys were there you both were very silent. You didn’t know how to answer. You wanted him to talk. You wanted him to tell you what went wrong. You wanted him to tell you why he slept with that girl. Why he had the decency to do that to you? Why?

“Niall, I’m just going to come out and ask you,” you told him, “Why did you sleep with that slut?”

“I didn’t sleep with her,” he spoke.

“What?!? She was naked. You were naked. Unless you guys were playing naked Tetris then I don’t know what fucking someone looks like,” you told him.

“We almost fucked but I realized that I couldn’t do that. I was going to send her away but then I heard your voice. I told her to hide on the side of the bed,” he answered.

“Why were you going to sleep with her in the first place?” you asked

“I was lonely. She was some room service girl for the hotel. She brought me the food inside and she started kissing me. She said that she didn’t see anyone in my life here so she just started to take my clothes off,” he told you.

“And you let her,” you replied.

“But I didn’t want to. I wanted to push her off of me before I did something I would regret. Then that’s when she told me that you weren’t coming around. She told me that you were probably fucking your ex-boyfriend from back home. I didn’t believe her but she kept telling me that. She kept forcing me on her. She wanted me to touch her. But I couldn’t. I love you,” he answered.

“So she undressed you? She led you on? Why is it so hard for me to believe?” you asked

“Fine, don’t believe me but know one thing: I will never stop loving you Judith. You are the only one who can fill the void in my heart. You are the only one who has loved me for me. You have made me the happiest man on the earth and now I’m paying for it because I did something terrible. I just can’t lose you. I can’t,” he spoke his poetic words.

“Well you are going to have to learn how to,” you told him.

“But I don’t want to,” he grabbed your hand.

“Niall, you really hurt me,” you spoke, “It hurt. Like really bad. I never thought I could feel that much pain.”

“I’m so sorry Judith,” he looked at you.

“Sometimes sorry isn’t good enough,” you smiled at him.

“And how do you suppose I fix this?” he asked

“Niall, I’m not going to forgive you or get back with you if that’s what you’re thinking,” you told him.

“I know. And I wouldn’t want to be dating me either,” he looked at his hand on yours.

“Niall, you’ll find someone better than me,” you told him.

“But I want you,” he responded.

“I wanted you too,” you spoke.

“Wanted?” he asked

“Yes, wanted. As in past tense,” you smirked

“Can we just forget about all this,” he tilted his head to the side and he squinted due to the blaring sun.

“And what do you suppose we do?” you asked

“Just hang out with me like we did before we dated. I liked those days,” he smiled.

“Sure. Are we going to watch a movie?” you asked

“Yeah and get a lot of snacks,” he laughed.

“I could go for some fattening snacks,” you smiled.

“So it’s a date?” he asked

“No…it’s a party,” you smiled.

“It’s a party,” he smiled back.

You and Niall spent the rest of the afternoon getting stuff for your guys’ non-date. Your party. You got two movies and a whole bunch of snacks. Walking down the streets of LA with shopping bags in your hand as the sun started to set made you realize that this part was going to start. You were ready for your last fun filled night in LA with him.

You guys entered the hotel with smiles on your face. You guys passed Harry, Bridgette, Liam, and Rachel on your way to the elevator. They all smiled at you. Were you guys back together? Were you guys just friends? They wanted to know but no one was answering them. What were you guys? Friends. Just friends.

You entered his room and it was different from the last time. Was it because you were filled with rage when you last saw it? Was it because you were turning over a new leaf? Were you learning to forgive him? What is going on? Were you falling for him again like you said that you hoped that you didn’t? Judith, just know that you should do whatever your heart desires. Everything will be okay.

Throughout the night you were seated next to Niall on the couch watching the movie that was playing on the screen. His hand was on your knee and you placed your hand on top of it. His thumb rubbed against the top of your hand. You had missed his hand. You had missed everything about him. Judith, please don’t tell me you are going to forgive him. You can’t! How can you believe him after that bullshit he pulled before! Do you really think that girl led him on? Do you?

I don’t know what to believe. What I do know is that I have never stopped loving him. I can never give up on him. I can never leave him. I need him in my life. I don’t care if he slept with some girl or almost slept with her. He looked broken today when he talked about this. Everyone gets second chances in life. I got one. But your second chance was different. Yes, my second chance was a slightly different circumstance but everyone deserves to be forgiven. If you truly love them or believe that you love them then when they do bad to you or anyone it’s your job to help them get better. Whether it be cheating, abuse, or anything else you help them believe that everything will be okay. Mistakes are mistakes. Everyone makes them. But admitting them and regretting them makes those who care about you believe that there is hope that everything can and will be okay. I don’t fully forgive him. I don’t think I am going to get back together with him but I will be here for him whenever he needs me. I promise.

Halfway through the second movie you were losing interest. You moved closer to Niall and that gave him the indication to wrap his arm around you. You rested your head on his shoulder. You didn’t want to be with him. You didn’t want to be his girlfriend but there was a small part that wanted to be his girlfriend again.

After the second movie was done and the credits were rolling up on the screen you lifted your head off his shoulder and looked at him. The glare from the TV was bouncing off his eyes. He was watching the names scroll up on the screen trying to see if he knew anyone. Then once they were over he looked at you and smiled.

“Niall, we need to talk,” you spoke.

“What about?” he asked

“Us,” you responded.

“What about us?” he questioned

“I don’t want to get back together. I think we need to be apart for a while. You know figure things out and what we want,” you answered.

“What?!?” he shouted

“Niall, if we are meant to be together we will meet again. You go finish your tour and focus on your music and I’m going to go back to London to start my new job,” you told him.

“I can’t be without you, Judith,” he answered moving closer.

“Yes, you can. You just have to find ways to take your mind off of me,” you replied.

“But you are always on my mind,” he placed his hand on your cheek. The warm tenderness made you shiver.

“Niall, I can’t,” you placed your hand on top of his hand that was on your cheek.

“But you want to,” he whispered.

“Niall, just know that whatever happens tonight won’t ever change what I just said before about giving us space,” you answered.

“Now Judith, we both know your mind is going to be changed after what is going to happen tonight,” he laughed.

“We’ll see,” you answered.

“I promise you’ll be mine forever and always,” he placed his lips on yours.

The fireworks went off again. You did miss his lips. The moist softness of them that made your heart skip a beat. He was perfect but you couldn’t love him. You couldn’t be his girlfriend. You couldn’t do that to him. You couldn’t do that to yourself. You needed your space. But that was until tomorrow when you leave.

You and Niall did have sex that night. It was everything you wanted. He knew how to make you feel wonderful and beautiful at the same time. After you guys were done with your love making you laid your head on his chest and felt your head move up and down as he kept breathing. You wanted nothing more to do then just lie there forever yet you couldn’t. You wanted space.

“Niall,” you spoke as you kept your head on his chest.

“What?” he asked

“My mind is made up,” you told him.

“What’s the choice then?” he asked

You lifted up your head and moved closer to him looking into his eyes. It pains you to say this to him but he had to hear this. You promised your mom after all. You looked into his beautiful blue eyes and knew that you had to do it now or nothing will get done.

“Niall, I need to tell you something before I give you my decision,” you told him.

“And?” he egged you on

“Niall, meeting and loving you has been two of the greatest things I have ever experienced. You were the light out of all this darkness. You gave me happiness and hope that life can be good. I never thought that this would be possible after all I have been through. Thank you,” you told him.

“So that means?” he questioned

“It means that I love you but,” you paused and took a deep breath, “I can’t be with you. I need my space. I need to be by myself for a while. Figure out what I want. And when you come back to London and I am there you can take me out for dinner and we can see where it takes us. I just can’t handle having you away and I still got to look out for myself. I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” he muttered.

“Please don’t be upset,” you told him.

“I’m not,” he answered, “But promise me one thing.”

“What?” you asked

“Be there when I get back?” he asked

“Niall, I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can keep that promise,” you told him.

“Why not?” he asked

“It’s just that…it’s a big deal to me. I don’t know how I am going to be months from now. I don’t know if I will be in London or Denver. It’s too soon to tell,” you answered.

“Then promise me that you won’t forget me?” he asked

“I promise,” you answered then kissed him again.

Promise. A word that means so much to people. A promise is something you try to keep. Sometimes you break them and sometimes you don’t. I promise you Niall that I won’t forget about me just as long as you don’t forget about me. Promise?