It Never Ends

illianna's POV

Louis led me by my hand out of the school building and into his car that was parked by the practice field. We left the school quickly and he drove back to my house in silence.

In fact, we were both silent. The radio was off and the only sound to break the silence was the blinker.

Louis parked in front of my house and killed his engine, taking his keys outbid the ignition. We say together for a few minutes and I felt the urge to get out of the car.

I went to open the door by Louis quickly locked it, leaving me stuck in the car with him. I looked up at him to see him with the same face that he gave me at school earlier in front of Dylan.

His eyes scanned me over and over again, trying to sense of what he was seeing. He took notice in my change of shirt and saw the stuffed basketball shirt in my bag. I took my bag off of my shoulder but it fell onto the floor making most of my things fall out.

Those damn nervous feelings.

Louis attempted to pick it all up but I stopped him. I was just ready to talk to him about us.

I could tell he was nervous as I was so I let him take his time. Even though I should be the one to start the conversation off, he was the one that invited me to leave school with him.

I knew that there was so much that he wanted to ask me. Do many things he wanted to figure out and learn. I knew those things were mainly about Nathan, but I don't know how I'll be able to talk to him about it. He cares about me so much that I'm scared of his reaction.

"How are you feeling?" Is the first question he asks me.

"I think you could see for yourself." I respond, letting him look at me once again.

"How long have you been crying?"

"Since last week on Thursday. I don't know how to carry myself anymore." I admit.

Louis sighs and puts a grin on his lips.

"I haven't exactly been all that well either. I've missed you. I wanted to see you at the game last week." He says.

"I heard you were the all star. Can you take that place next game?"

"Of course. Anything for you." He smirks.

Another silence washes over us. Louis drummed his fingers along his steering wheel and I began kicking my belongings around.

I must admit that I missed being this close with him. Even though we weren't talking, sitting next to him was a privilege. If I could go back in time and explain everything the right way to him about Nathan, we probably would've moved passed him and he wouldn't be important anymore.

My phone began to vibrate loudly from my bag, which was on the floor. I took my seatbelt off and began to lower myself to retrieve it.

"Fuck." I muttered as I tried to search frantically before my phone stopped ringing. Louis reached over and helped me.

"illianna," Louis said slowly. "What's this?"

I looked up to see him holding an empty bottle of a supplement shake I drank early this morning. He looked at the bottle from top to bottom. I saw his eyes move from label to label, reading each one. He asked me what it was again, but I just snatched it from his hands.

"Nothing, just...nothing." I shoved it back in my bag and went to grab my phone. Louis grabbed it from my hands. "Give me my phone back Louis."

"Not until you tell me why you drink these."

"I told you I'd tell you when I was ready to tell you everything." I murmur.

Louis was silent. "That's why you look so different. illianna, just tell me what the fuck is going on!"

"Fine!" I huffed. "I drink those shakes when I go through tough times. Specifically sad times. Happy now?"

"Why would you turn to these though?" He whispered. "You look so much thinner and paler."

I just shrugged.

"illianna, how long have you been drinking these?"

I refused to answer him. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to forget about it.

"Please, illianna, please tell me what's going on with you." Louis begged.

"Why does it even matter to you?"

"I-I just want to help you. I'm worried about you."

"I don't need help! I don't need you to worry about me! I don't need you to try and fix me. That's all everyone tries to do! " I begin to yell.

Louis starts to take a hold of my hand but I back away from him.

"Don't touch me! I can handle myself. I don't need you Nathan!" I closed my eyes and cursed myself. Had I really just said Nathan's name?

"What did he do to you Lily? What is he so that was so horrible? And don't say it's nothing because it's obviously not." Louis demanded.

I blinked back the tears. I couldn't say it. I didn't even know where to start. "I can't."

"It's okay, just tell me" He tried to take my hand again.

"Stop acting like you are my boyfriend or something, because you aren't anymore. You're just someone to keep things off my mind!" I holler.

Louis pulled back and stared forward. "Get out," he said. He unlock the doors.

I sighed and wished I could take back what I said. "I didn't--"

"Get out, illianna."

I waited for just a second longer to see if maybe he would come around a bit, but he didn't. He kept his eyes forward to what his hands clutched around the steering wheel. I picked up my bag and stepped out of the car.

His car stayed parked on the street as I walked up to my front door. There was no point in going back to school. I made it to my door when I heard a car door open and close.

I looked back to see Lily staring at me from the bottom of the driveway. He began to walk up and across my arms over my body as if they will protect me. I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to him after what had just happened so I quickly ran inside my house, locking the door behind me.

"illianna! illianna, I'm sorry." Louis knocking on the door.

"Please open the door Lily." He begged again.

"Go away!" I shouted, my voice cracking.

"illianna, please! I take back what I said. Please open the door for me!" Louis yelled, his voice cracking this time.

"No! I hate you! Leave me alone and don't you ever talk to me again!" I snapped at him harshly.

"Lily, please! I want to be with you. Just open the damn door!" Is knocking turning into banging.

"Go the fuck away! I don't want to see you!"

"I'm not going anywhere until you open this door!"

I began to cry as I slid my back down against the door. I let my tears fall from my face and my noises come out softly. The banging soon stopped.

For a moment, I thought that Louis has finally given up and left. He had done enough and we didn't even talk about what we were supposed to.

"I can hear you crying Lily." Louis mentions, his voice sobbing. He's crying too.

"Leave me alone."

"Dammit Lily! You're acting just like Jenna!" He yells at me.

I stand on my feet and began banging on my own door from the other side. I started yelling back at him and not sure what I said, but I think it came close to 'fuck you', 'I hate you', and 'stay away from me'.

The yelling and banging stopped from Louis's side and I soon heard a car speed off. I looked out the front window to see that Louis had left.

I cursed at myself again for messing things up when he tried to apologize to me. There I went again fucking things up.

I finally walked up to my room, slamming my door, throwing the soccer shirt off, and went straight to bed.

Sometimes those bedroom walls become my only friends.

Notes