The Bucket List

I sat with my head rested in my hands and my elbows propped up on the slick granite counter top. This morning I was awoken with a massive headache and the feeling of my stomach getting twisted, along with the feeling of wanting to puke. I kept telling myself that it was a hangover from last night, but I didn’t have that much to drink, and this was bad.

I know it would be the right thing to do to just tell Priya I have cancer, and come out with it, but I can’t. I like the way she doesn’t cover me with sympathy and treats me like a normal person. She doesn’t treat me like I’m dying, and she makes me feel alive.

“Harry, want some eggs?” Liam asked as he poured the slimy egg mix he was working on, dumping it into the burning pan, making it sizzle. I think I’m going to puke.

“No. I’m good,” I replied before the sound of Niall clicking away on his keyboard irritated me more than ever and the sound of the telly Zayn and Louis were viewing made my head pound. I didn’t understand why I woke up in such a bad mood this morning. I guess I have good days and bad days, but today felt like it was going to be a really bad day.

“So,” Liam started out catching all of our attentions slightly before speaking up again. “The eye of the tiger thing today, aye,” he spoke as he walked passed me to throw away a napkin he soiled up.

“I don’t know, Liam. I-“ I was saying before he swiftly cut me off with a disappointed look smeared upon his face as he started to chop up some fruit he bought from the store. Fruit didn’t seem to upset my stomach as much as the thought of eggs did.

Liam then let a little whine escape his mouth. “But I was really excited to do this one,” he admitted as he scooped up the cut up strawberries and kiwi with his hands and placed them in a clear bowl before sprinkling them with a little bit of sugar, the way Louis likes them.

“I know, Liam. I just don’t feel well, that’s all,” I said before I forced myself from my seat and slugged to the steel fridge and opened it, I needed the feeling of cool air on my skin because the heat from the stove begun to get me all worked up. Making me feel like I was overwhelmed. At this point, I was glad there wasn’t any food that stuffed the fridge because I would have barfed right then and there.

“What is it?” Liam asked. What the hell do you think it is? I thought to myself because I didn’t want to say it out loud. If I would’ve it would lead to a full on argument I wasn’t in the mood for.

“I’m going to take a nap.” I mumbled before shutting the fridge door more harshly then I intended to. The cool air blasted on my skin making the chills run down my body before I turned away from it to start walking.

“Harry, Are you sure you don’t want any eggs?” Niall asked as I walked away into a hallway as he scooped some onto his plate along with some fruit in a bowl on the side, probably for Louis since he is too lazy to get up.

“I’m sure, just leave me alone,” I said before I walked up the stairs that swirled, creating my head to indignant even more. I have less than fourteen months left, and today I felt like I only had one hour left. The pain in my head almost made me let out a whimper, but I held it back, not wanting Cancer to win this fight, but in the end he is going to win and hold a belt that is my tombstone to all my friends and family to show his achievement.

I wondered how those last weeks will be when I’m in the hospital. I’ll probably be pulling out feathers from my pillows, thinking if angels exist or not, questioning everything, and wondering “why me?” and “why now?” I would think these things as I pulled the feathers and watched them drop to the floor. They would give me free ice cream because that’s the only thing they can do since I’m having a battle with cancer, and I’m losing. I’m taking punch after punch, and the only thing I can do is take medicine to simmer down the pain, but what they don’t know is that Ice cream can’t fix everything.

I would spend my nights gazing out the window seeing other hospital buildings as my friends all sat on the couch or chair or maybe even the floor in there with me, remembering the time where we were little and would play war. Liam even went all out and had army paint smudged on his face and I would hide behind the prickly bushes, not caring because I didn’t want to get ‘bombed’ by the TOMOHAWK.

Louis would always say a catch phrase before he threw a “bomb’, which was really a pine cone. “Here comes the TOMOHAWK,” he would say as he’d chuck the pine cone into the air and make a boom noise as it hit the ground, and whoever was the closest to it would fall to the floor, stick their tongue out, and pretend to be passed out or dead.

Those memories will never escape my mind, but I am going to turn into a faded echo of a victim of cancer. I am going to fall and everyone is going to try to catch me, but I’m going to slip through their arms as if I’m a ghost and they will mourn because they can’t do anything to catch me.

The pounding in my head started to subside as I walked into my room and slammed the door behind me causing my head to thrash. I wanted to let out a scream, but I controlled myself. “I need to get some rest,” I said as I slowly crept into my bed and pulled the blankets over me before stuffing my face into my feather pillow.

I then slowly pulled one out. “This is the first one I grew,” I said before a knock on the door made me quickly turn my head, making me groan. “Go away. I want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask for?” I spoke in a harsh voice as I stuffed my head back into my pillow, ignoring the person at my door.

As I shut my eyes, begging the person to go away, they did the opposite. They opened the door, but I didn’t even glance at them. I just ignored them like a ghost.

I felt the bed sink in a little bit before a hand was placed on my back which I shrugged off. “Go away,” I said once again.

I then felt them begin to play with my hair which made me even more livid. Only Ada was allowed to do that, and Priya could if she wanted to. “Curly,” the soft voice spoke, catching my attention. Priya?

I then turned around to meet brown hair that fades but instead I met blonde hair that flowed gently over her shoulder as she wore her white dress with black cherries splattered all around it.

“Ada,” I said as I quickly took her in for a hug that made her let out a small giggle. “I miss you,” I whispered into her ear as I felt like I was on the verge of tears.

“There, there,” she said as she stroked my hair and twirled my curls around her fingers. “It’s okay, Harry,” her soft voice soothed me immediately.

“I’m a mess.” I admitted before she took my cheeks in her small, soft hands and looked me right into her eyes as her deep brown eyes gazed into mine. The smell of her shampoo filled my nostrils and the warmth of her hands soothed my skin.

“Don’t say that,” she pouted her pink lips. “You’re not a mess. “She then pulled her hands away from me and motioned around my room. “Now, this is a mess, Curly,” she teased.

“It’s a metaphor for my life,” I said as I pulled the only smile I have this morning. Ada let out another amazing giggle that made me smile even bigger. I miss that laugh. I miss her. “Will you lay down with me?” I asked as I looked down at her.

Her hair moved slightly as she nodded her head. She let out another laugh as she lay back on my bed before I plopped myself next to her. I wrapped my arm around her waist as her back was turned to me and I was pressed up against it. My other hand played with her hair while she closed her eyes. I didn’t want to shut mine because I knew when I woke up, she would be gone.

So I laid there and waited until I fell asleep happy and woke up with heartbreak

Notes