The Bucket List

Glass shattering, tires screeching, and metal twisting was all I could envision as I rest on a long black chaise lounge waiting for my therapist to stroll through the door and welcome me. The dark leather was slowly peeling away and fading into a deep gray, making me wonder how many people were placed in this chair, forced to discuss their problems. Even if they didn't want to; but I knew there was no way to ignore the void in my heart that agitated and haunted me for the two solid weeks.

The ascending pitter patter of high heels clicking against the cold white tile floor interrupted my futile daydreaming, making me turn my head hastily towards the door prior to the sound of fumbling keys. “Did they lock me in here?” I queried myself.

I then let a remote chuckle flee my soft lips. “Of course, I would try to escape...” I muttered.

The clatter of the gold door knob turning halted me from speaking any further. The brown door consequently opened at a snail's pace; as if I was somebody my therapist was afraid of or disturbed by.

A lady, around my age, came to view in the door way. She had long dirty blonde hair that flowed over her shoulder. Her red covered lips pulled into a gentle smile before she spoke, “Morning, Mr. Styles”

I starred at her, not giving any emotion or remorse. I could tell it was making her feel uneasy by the way she shuffled where she stood, almost like she felt exposed. Her hands, with white acrylic nails, grasped a blue coffee cup in one hand and a clip board in another. The lady had a pale pink shirt that complimented her, combined with tight light blue jeans, and followed by a pair of black heels.

“So, Harry…” she uttered, breaking the silence, which makes me look up from her shoes to her dark eyes, “Let’s just get right to this. Shall we?”

I just offered her a diminutive nod, nothing more. I subsequently scrutinized her as she rested and loosened herself upon a lofty, honeydew colored armchair that made her look small. Her gentle hands placed her coffee cup onto a glass side table and grabbed a black pen before she gazed up at me. “How was your day?” she asked.

I swallowed the spit that was in my mouth before I spoke. Here it is, the part where I am forced to talk about myself and my problems. I never wanted to arrive here this morning, but they said it wasn’t an option. They said I was obligated to come. I really don’t see the point in all this; all of my problems won’t matter in about twelve to fourteen months. You know why? Because I’ll be dead. 7 feet in the ground. That’s why. So why even bother?

“Harry...” she murmured, catching my attention.

“Aren’t you too young to be a therapist?” I interrogated, striving to obtain more time and attempting to further the conversation from being about me; anything besides me. “How old are you?” I posed, furrowing my eyebrows at her.

“I’m twenty-four,” she stated. “How are you feeling?” she spoke out in a more demanding way.

“You look very young for your age. I guess that’s a good thing. You never know…” I rambled, still trying to steer away from the question.

“Harry, how-“ she tried to say but I cut her off.

“You look like you’re nineteen. The bar must ask for your I.D. a lot…”

“Mr. Styles,” she snapped, her foot tapping against the tile while her hands are placed on top of one another, resting on the clipboard. “How are you feeling?”

I then rolled my eyes and looked away from her. I glanced around the room, looking anywhere but at her. My eyes placed themselves on a painting that was situated in front of me. I gawked at it, memorizing it before I let a sigh escape me and decided to capitulate to her interrogation. “How else would a guy feel? How would you feel if you only had up to fourteen months to live?” I bit at her, in more of a harsh tone then I anticipated.

“This isn’t about me. This is about you and your feelings.”

I then let out a scoff, “It’s not like my ‘feelings’ will matter in a month. My friends will get over me in about three months, tops, and then everything will go back to normal,” I admitted, even if I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help but say it.

She then clicked the bottom of her pen with her thumb before looking down at her pink clipboard and marking something down “And how does this make you feel?” she questioned, her eyes still glued to her inscription on the white paper.

“It makes me feel like I’m drowning, and everyone else around me is breathing,” I muttered barely audible.

I schemed for her not to perceive what I just confessed, but the sound of her pen guiding on her white, wide ruled paper, making brand new inscriptions, told me otherwise. “Drowning,” she whispered with her eyes still glued to her pink clipboard.

She opened her mouth up to speak but I beat her to it. “How long is this session?” I asked, while my eyes peered at the clock that read 8:23, located in the corner of the small light blue room.

“It’s your time and your dime,” she affirmed “You can leave whenever you desire.”

I then shifted my feet and planted them to the ground. Before I even elevated myself off the chair, she chimed in again, “Well, that’s for normal patients. You, Harry, are not one so you can leave any time after…let’s say nine o’clock.”

“But I am normal. I’m fine…” I poorly defended.

“No, Harry. You have to get it in your head that you are dying. Dying faster than you should be. You have fourteen months to live and-“

“And I’m wasting my time in here!” I bit at her. “Everyone is always saying ‘You have fourteen months to live’. Fourteen months to live is all I ever hear anymore! And I’m fucking slaying that time in a room with a lady I don’t even know! For Christ sakes, I don’t even know your name, and they expect me to tell you everything!” I shouted, throwing my hands up in the air. I could feel my body burning with anger, and in progress, I felt a razor-sharp sting in the left side of my head that was quickly spreading, becoming harsher every second. ‘Calm down, Harry, Calm-‘ I tried to say to myself but the pain broke up my thoughts.

“Mr. Styles, are you alright?” she croaked.

“Does it fucking look like I’m alright?” I snarled at her, but it only seemed to make the ache of a more inferior quality.

“Do you need a doctor?”

“No, I forgot to-“ I then let out a groan as the pain spread. I quickly placed my head in the palms of my hands and shut my eyes “I forgot to take my medicine this morning,” I uttered. I was given prescription painkillers to help ease the pain for the rest of my life. I find it kind of pointless, to be honest, but it does help keep my headaches to a minor discomfort.

“Harry, that is very dangerous. You need to take them every morning,” she bugged me as she wrote something down on her clip board once again, making me even more aggravated. Yes, it’s dangerous because I shouldn’t drive around in this state, but it’s my life to live, and it’s not like it’d matter if something were to happen to me.

“I need…I need to go home and take them…” I stipulated before I slowly got up, trying not to make any harsh movements prior to situating my deep black hoodie.

Her face gave me the impression that she wasn’t going to do anything. It was as if she was going to permit me to flee this place by the means of no questions asked, but by the way she caught my arm right before I walked past her told me otherwise. “Next week, 8:00 a.m. sharp, and don’t forget to take your pills,” she informed me before letting her grasp free my arm ahead of writing down something on the clip board. She’s probably recording how I am such a bad patient, but the pain was so strong that I didn’t care at this point.

I threw the hood over my muddled locks. I snatched the door open with a swoosh before closing it behind me. The hood commencing from my hoodie guarded me from the vivid hallway lights and the critical stares that were getting staggered at me. My feet echoed through the hallways as I finally reached the front desk. My hands quickly found a pen and the checkout paper before putting my time out which was 8:31. “Done so early,” the man behind the front desk pointed out.

“Yeah,” I merely said, wanting to feel the comfort of my car immediately. I subsequently set the pen down on the cold, cobble stone counter before rotating around, heading for the two glass doors in front of me. By now the pain was leisurely easing away, but I still suffered a burning sensation.

When I opened the double doors ahead of me the light beaming off of the sun made me narrow my eyes. I could hear the sound of birds chirping above me and the little kids from the pre-school next door swoon over anything.

I hastily searched for my keys that were stuffed in my left hoodie pocket. I scrabbled with the silver keys, making them clank together before walking to my car. I tried to remember where I parked before I saw my vehicle right ahead of me. I clicked a button on my car key that unlocked the door before I opened the side door and hopped in. I could feel the heat in my car radiating off my black leather seats before I placed the key inside the hole and turned it, turning on the engine. The air conditioning slowly slithered out of the vents, hitting my hot tan skin and cooling me off. I sat with my hands on the wheel and my head pressed against the seat head rest.

The ache slowly and eventually died away, making me loosen up. I sat there, perceiving the sound of cars running in the course of the road as I sat still rested in my non-moving vehicle. I watched as kids glided down the bright red twisting slide with no care in the world. No problems. “Harry…” I heard a tender voice whisper. “Harry…” the voice repeated, getting more perceptible.

I looked around my car, thinking it was therapist trying to ask why I was still here, but to no avail. I sat there in my driver’s seat with my grip tightening on my steering wheel, making my knuckles turn a cream color. I loosened up my grasp lying on the wheel, trying to come across the strength to drive away with no remorse, but I couldn’t.

“Curly…” I heard a familiar voice utter with a snigger in the passenger seat next to me.

I then swiftly crooked my head to meet where the tone was approaching from. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Right in front of my eyes was Ada in her white dress with black cherries scattered in different sizes all along it, along with an unzipped black leather jacket. The final setup I forever saw her in. The final time I forever saw her, until now…

“Therapy,” she scoffed. “You don’t need it.”

I quickly looked away and squeezed my eyes shut. “No…” I mumbled.

“No? What? Aren’t you happy to see me?” she asked before running her hands along her dress, straightening out the hills along it.

I then shook my head and tapped my finger on the black leather steering wheel. I retain information from what the doctor informed me last week about the possible symptoms of this tumor. I scanned my intellect for the one I was looking for: vomiting, headaches, dizziness, speech difficulties, weakness…hallucinations.

I turned my head around to face Ada again. She greeted me with a cheeky smile before providing me with an undersized wave. I gradually traveled my tender hand in the direction of her shoulder. When my slightly shaky finger tips met her tepid shoulder, I could feel the leather from her jacket. “Y-You’re not real. No. This can’t be real,” I garbled as I sensed a lump in my throat and my eyes filling with tears as I couldn’t accept what I was bearing in mind.

“Well,” she started off before running her small fingers through her silky, beautiful hair. “I feel real, and I look real. So I must be real,” she nodded.

“No, they told me this would happen,” I said as I felt a tear run down my face, feeling overwhelmed about all of this. “That I would see you. I just never thought I was that crazy. I-I’m not crazy,” I stuttered over my words before I heard her let out a loud sigh.

“You’re not crazy, Harry. I’m real…” she assured me.

“No. They said this would happen. You’re not real-“ I was beginning to ramble prior to her placing a cold finger on my quivering lips, shushing me.

“If I wasn’t real, would you be able to feel my touch? Would you be able to hear me or see me?” She asked as she reserved her finger on my lips. I slowly shook my head as I looked into her eyes, the eyes I have been missing and dreaming about ever since the accident. “That’s right. So in that case, I am real,” she smiled.

“But you died…” I said backing away from her finger, providing me freedom to talk.

A look of sorrow and wretchedness plastered her face as she slouched back in her chair. “I didn’t die, I’m fine,” she bit at me.

“Yes, you did,” I poorly defended as I looked away from her and fixed my eyes on a red Chevy truck that was parked in front of me. “You died at the scene. That’s what they told me. Y-Your hand was limp, and it was cold. Your mother was crying. Ada, you’re dead! You’re gone!” I cried out as I totally broke down, all of this hallucinating shit getting to me. I pressed my head against the steering wheel as I sobbed like a little one.

“Do you see me? I’m not dead!” Ada exclaimed as she ran her hands along her body. “I’m here, with you. I’m talking to you! Don’t tell me I’m dead!” she begged.

I stayed there with my head resting, letting the silence take over us before I heard her whimper. I quickly faced her; I never liked seeing her cry. Ever since I first saw her whine when she fell off a swing in my backyard, I vowed I would always cheer her up…and never hurt her. “I just miss you…so much,” I said as I wiped up the tears off my cheeks.

“I miss you, too” Ada wept.

Silence one again filled my car as we both didn’t know what to say or haven’t figured out what to talk about. We sat there for a bit more before she broke it. “So, therapy huh?” she croaked.

I then nodded my head and pressed my lips together before speaking. “Yeah, complete bullshit,” I complained.

“I could just imagine,” she ridiculed. “I mean, you’re not crazy so why go?” she subjected.

“Yeah. Plus, I don’t even want to talk about my problems. I don’t have any. I mean yes, when you…” I then looked at her and chose my words carefully. “When that accident happened I felt lonely and empty. The sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the nightmares. They thought this would be good for me…to talk it out and not keep it all in, but I like keeping it to myself,” I rambled as Ada looked out the window.

“Ada, are you alright?”

She then faced me once again before giving me one of her killer smiles that I always fell for. “I’m fine. I just think this is stupid. You’re fine obviously.”

My mouth gapped as I was about to reply, but I was interrupted by the sound of tapping on my widow. My head hastily turned to face my therapist with a puzzled look. “Harry, why are you still here?” I could barely comprehend what she was saying for the reason that the window was shielding her voice.

“I was just leaving,” I called out as I gave her an assuring nod before she backed away, giving me space to drive off. I like how she just told me it’s dangerous for me not to take my pills, and now she’s questioning why I’m still here. Does she want me to drive around with a massive headache?

When I did finally drive off, I could have the sense of hearing her yelling out when the next appointment was, but I shielded her out. I looked back at the spot Ada was resting in not even five minutes ago. Empty. I let out a groan as I hit my steering wheel in frustration. “Fuck!’ I yelled as I came to a red light.

I kept thinking that was the last time I was going to see Ada, hear her sweet calming voice, hear the smooth comebacks, or see the way she would flick her hair off her shoulder. I shut the thoughts out of my mind, knowing they were just going to make me feel more of an inferior quality.

I drove towards my house with a blank head, not wanting to over think things. When I finally pulled into my driveway I had to force myself out of my car and slug my way up to the front door and twist it open. I saw Niall’s car in the driveway when I pulled in, so I knew he was home, and he never locks the door.

I then threw my keys on the side table that was located next to the door. “Niall, I’m home!” I called out.

“I’m in here!” he replied as I perceived his voice coming from the den. I then walked towards him and plopped myself next to him on the couch as I sighed.

“How was therapy?” Niall wondered as he flipped through multiple channels on the telly, not finding one he can attach to.

“Alright...” I lied, not wanting to complain about how much it sucked.

“Well, the lads are coming over. They should be here already,” Niall addressed.

“Cool, I’ll be in my room if you guys need me,” I told him before I elevated myself off the couch and directing myself towards my room. I closed the door behind me before I let my body fall onto my soft and comfy single bed. I stared up at my blank ceiling and started to think. I wondered about why Ada was in my car. Will it happen again? When will it happen again?

The resonance of the other lads storming through the front door, greeting Niall, kept me from thinking straight. I still laid motionless on my bed as I heard the sound die down, and the sound of hands clapping together came to my ears, almost certainly them shaking hands or high-fiving. The sounds of them laughing or talking only got louder and started to irritate my head. I forced myself up from my bed, getting a tad light headed at first, but I made my way to my door with ease. I slowly turned the knob and opened my door as I made my approach out to the hallway. “Can you guys keep it down?” I asked.

The smiles on their faces completely vanished once their eyes laid upon me. Their eyes were then filled with sympathy before Louis spoke, “Hey, Harry. How are you feeling?” Here we go with the pity…

“Great. Never better,” I lied. I’ve been better, way better: when Ada was here.

Liam stared down at his feet as he shuffled them. Niall’s hand rested on the back of his neck, not knowing what to say. Zayn and Louis both looked at each other before Zayn spoke up. “Harry, come here,” Zayn insisted as he motioned his hand towards him.

I felt like a little kid that got in trouble and was facing his parents. “What?” I interrogated before I reached them and faced them all.

“Louis go get the paper and pen,” Niall said before Louis scurried off to go collect the materials.

Zayn wrapped his arm around my shoulder before he started walking, making me follow him to the breakfast table in the kitchen. We pulled out the chairs and made them screech against the tile floor before we sat down. Louis ran into the kitchen with a blue marker in hand and a piece of paper grasped in the other. He placed it in front of me before taking a seat. I stared down at it with my hands in my lap. “What is this about? If you are all here wanting to talk about my feelings, you are wasting your time,” I informed them.

“Harry,” Niall sighed. “You have fourteen months to live.”

I rolled my eyes, “I already know that, I get reminded every goddamn day…”

“What are you going to do in that time?” Niall asked.

I looked around the table and caught all their glances except Liam’s who was staring down at a dirty cup that I didn’t bother to pick up this morning.

“I don’t know. Stuff,” I shrugged.

“Like what?” asked Zayn as he propped his arms on the table and played with his sleeves.

“What is this?” I called out as I threw my hands in the air and letting them fall to my side.

“A list of things you want to fulfill before you…” Liam then chose his words vigilantly. “Before you leave.”

I looked down at the blank paper, “That’s all this is for? You guys aren’t going to interrogate me about this are you?”

They all shook their heads in unison before I gave in and picked up the blue marker, removing the cap and setting it down, letting it roll off of the table. “I’ve always wanted to travel the United States,” I informed them as I wrote it down next to the number one.

“New York would be a blast,” Louis said with a grin.

“Oh the babes in California,” Niall smirked.

I then let out a slight chuckle. I haven’t been able to laugh in a while since I was concealing myself from everyone. “I’ve also dreamed of bungee jumping. Oh, and I should definitely throw a rager,” I said writing down numbers two and three.

I could feel them all looking at me and smiling as I participated in this idea. “Maybe you can make vanilla pudding, put it in a mayo jar, and eat it in public,” Zayn tittered.

“I don’t see what’s so great about that,” Niall looked at Zayn questioningly.

“Well, then it looks like he’s eating mayo straight from the jar,” Zayn clarified, snickering even more than he was before.

We all laughed and nodded in agreement at that scheme before I wrote it down. “What about…” Louis started to say before he placed a finger on his lips, thinking. That move made me think about my visit with Ada, but I couldn’t think about that right now. The boys will probably think I’m crazy if I told them. “How about you wear a shirt that says ‘Life’ and hand out lemons on a street corner? I’ve always thought that joke was funny.”

I quickly wrote that one down, knowing how great that idea was. “This is going to be so much fun!” Niall exclaimed. “Oh! Have you ever heard of the joke where someone enters a busy elevator and says ‘I bet you are all wondering why I gathered you here today’? You should do that Haz. You’d confuse the hell out of people,” he laughed.

“Could you imagine that happening to one of us? That’d be so weird,” Zayn shook his head, a smile playing on his lips.

“But it would be funny,” I pointed out before writing that one down as well.

“What if you went to a store and ask someone what year it is? And then when someone answers, you’d yell ‘It worked!’ and run out cheering,” Zayn suggested.

I looked at all the ones on the paper before writing that one down in addition. I raised my brows at the list, “You guys have been suggesting things that I could do in one day. It’d literally take me like a half hour to do all of those. Do you have any big suggestions?”

“Well,” Louis grinned cheekily. Great. “You could perform in front of a live audience,” he smirked.

“Lou…” I sighed.

“Oh, come on, Harry,” Niall chimed in. “You have a great voice. Don’t think I haven’t heard you sing in the shower.”

“That’s weird,” I narrowed my eyes at him. “My bathroom is on the other side of the flat from your’s and your room.” Niall’s eyes widened and he quickly looked down at his lap, leaving Louis laughing his bum off. Leave it up to Niall to be a creep. He probably sits outside of the bathroom just to listen to my voice.

Zayn shook his head as he chuckled lowly, “Anyways…” We all laughed. “The point is, you have an amazing voice, and it’d be a shame if no one else ever got to hear it.”

“Okay, okay,” I threw my hands up in surrender. “I’ll do it,” I mumbled as I added it to the list. I then looked up at Liam, speculating why he hasn’t spoken out in a while. “Liam, what’s wrong?” I asked, feeling weird that I am now the one asking the question I have been getting for weeks.

“I want to travel with you guys and do all of this crazy shit, but -“ Liam stated.

“Wait,” I interjected. “Are we actually going to do all of these things?” The boys all nodded, exchanging smiles with each other. “You’d do that for me?”

“Of course,” Zayn placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “You’re our best mate. We’d do anything for you.”

“What about work, and your girlfriends?” I asked.

Niall shrugged, “Work can wait. If they fire us, they fire us. This is more important.”

“As for the girls, we can just bring them along,” Louis suggested, making me roll my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I love their girlfriends, but they’d never have the guts to do any of the shit we’ve written down. They aren’t anything like Ada was…is…

“Okay, so maybe we’ll fly them over for a few of the things,” Zayn chuckled.

“Okay then.” I turned my attention back to Liam, “You were saying?”

“As much as I’d love to join you lads, I have school and work,” Liam sighed. I groaned along with everyone else at the table. Once a fun sucker, always a fun sucker. I’m determined to get him on our side this time, and I’m certainly not taking ‘no’ for an answer.

“Come on, Liam!” Niall cried out. “This is going to be fun! You have to be there with us.”

“Yeah, Man. It won’t be the same without you,” Zayn added.

“Yes, but college won’t finish its self, and I need money to pay off my debts,” he tried to defend himself.

“Liam, please,” I started, making him look at me. This may be low, but I might have to play the cancer card. “It won’t be the same without you. I need my four best friends with me throughout these fourteen, maybe less, agonizing months to make it all better. Please,” I begged.

I could see the empathy in his eyes as he sighed “But school...”

“But Harry...” Louis countered. It seems Louis has the same plan, trying to guilt Liam into caving in.

Liam looked around at all of us before letting out a sigh of defeat. “I’ll talk to my professor or counselor or something, but this isn’t a for sure yes.”

I then smiled. I’m pretty sure that means we’ve won him over. That’s new. “Liam, what else should I add to the list?” I asked for his impute.

“I don’t know...” he wondered off. “Well, I always thought it would be funny to follow some joggers around the neighborhood in a car, blaring ‘Eye of The Tiger’ through the speakers,“ he said as his lips pulled into a small smile.

I then laughed and wrote it down, looking down at my almost completed list before writing down one more.

10) Fall in love

I looked at the last one for a while before I glanced up. “When should we get started?” I asked, a bit eager to begin.

“Maybe this weekend. We can throw the rager then,” Zayn said as he looked around the table, curious as to what we thought about that idea.

I nodded, “Yeah. That sounds good.” I smiled as my eyes kept staring at the last thing I wrote on the list. Fall in love. Love. Will I ever be able to find love? I always dreamed I’d be married and have two kids by the time I was hitting my thirties. Now, I’ll only make it to twenty-one, and I don’t even think a girl will give me a second glance. What kind of girl in her right mind would waste her time on someone who’s dying?

I’m still going to keep it on my list though. It may not be something the lads can help me with, and it may not be something I can control, but it’s still my dream, even if it is an impossible one.

Notes

Hey guys! x

I am so so sooo sorry this update took so long x I was having major computer problems and then we took it to go get it fixed but they erased everything. So i had to re-write this. x

We are extremely excited to write this story, it is going to be so different so i think you should subscribe maybe even throw a vote in there and possibly comment x But please Sub, Vote, and Also comment x

and also if you would check out Mylalaland's sotry "Mistreated" and My story, "Stay With Me..." x It would mean a lot x

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Do you like the update?
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∞iHarryStyles∞