Always.

How had I been running late for class? I got up at the usual time, I ate at the usual time, I was ready. Maybe it was me trying to avoid going to my car at the same time as Harry did this morning . . . maybe.

I mean, not that our encounter Monday morning was awkward, for him. I’m just uncomfortable right now, in this current place of emotion that I am in right now. I didn’t even know what to say on Monday besides ‘Hey.’

Thankfully in class yesterday we just took notes on emotion so I didn’t have to really talk to him. When he did turn to me, I just exchanged glances with Liam literally every time Harry looked my way. It was like he knew, like he could sense me panicking the hell out.

In A plus tutoring, I found anyway I could to occupy myself. I helped the students and then I would offer to shred paper for Mrs. Walker. Like, who asks to shred paper to avoid someone? Me, that’s who.

I know I am absolutely making a big deal out of a small thing. It’s quite possible I’m not even in love with Harry. Maybe I just feel that way because Liam planted that stupid idea in my head and it drove me to mild insanity in less than 24 hours. Maybe I’m infatuated, maybe I’m over thinking. Maybe it would be easier being a lesbian instead. I could get into that.

I rush into Mr. Mitchell’s room, making it in there a millisecond after the tardy bell rings.

“Switching roles today I see, Kelly.” Mitchell says, referring to Harry already sat at our table, but chuckles.

“Gotta keep you on your toes.” I mutter, making my way towards my seat.

“That you two do.” He says matter-of-factly and makes his way to the front of the room. “Now, for your new project.”

I notice his bow tie and take a particular liking to it. It was a dark blue and had little light blue bow ties scattered around on it. Bow ties are cute, more people should wear bow ties.

“I like your bow tie.” I accidently speak my thoughts and feel my face heat up when people look at me. “.. What? It’s nice.” I shrug it off in attempt to gloss over my spoken thoughts.

“Thank you.” He smiles and then straightens the paper stack in his hand. “Alright, who remembers all of the emotions we talked about yesterday?” a couple kids raise their hand, thankfully which means he won’t just call on a random student.

“Happiness, Optimism, Love, Anger, Fear and Anxiety, and Depression.” Someone in the front of the room answers.

I open my notebook to a blank page and place it onto the desk. Almost immediately, Harry places with the rings using his pencil.

“Right, good.” Mitchell says to her. “In this bucket I just so conveniently have placed in the podium,” He says, grabbing out a metal bucket. “are the different emotions. You will pick out one for the two of you. You will not be the only two with this emotion. On Thursday half of you will present your emotion, and on Friday the other half will.” Mitchell grabs a stack of paper from the same place as the bucket and my eyes become focused on Harry still concentrated on the tip of his pencil sliding down every ring in my binder. “These papers contain a series of questions I would like you to answer before you get started.”

Mitchell starts at the front of the room, letting students draw an emotion from the bucket and handing them a piece of paper.

Harry moves my notebook from me and starts writing words in it; once he’s done he moves it to show me.

“You're staring out the window
I’m out here in the street
You stand there like a scarecrow
I’m begging you to speak
You used to be my solid ground
Now I'm drowning in the sea.”

I think I read and reread the words 5 times before meeting his gaze. “What’s this?” I ask, glancing at the paper again.

“That,” he says. “is how I’ve been feeling lately. I feel like you’re always distant.” I look at him in silence, not really though because of all the chattering around us but that’s not the point. “It’s a song, they’re lyrics. Relatable ones.” He laughs, “Who would have guessed?” he laughs dryly.

“Who’s drawing for you two?” I take a deep breath when it feels as though Mitchell has come from out of nowhere.

“Kelly will.” He says.

I nod and reach my hand into the bucket and feel around before I grab a piece of paper.

“What is it?” Mitchell asks.

I unfold the paper, Harry leaning closer than he was before to me. I gulp as I read the word on the paper. “Love.” I speak, looking up at Mitchell who is smiling at me.

“Great, I think you two will do very well with that emotion.” He says, handing Harry the paper.

IS THE UNIVERSE TRYING TO TORTURE ME?

“We are going to kick ass.” Harry whispers and chuckles in my ear.

“Yea.” I say, and stare at the piece of paper that the word love is written on.

“These are some hard hitting questions.” He says, laughing to himself.

“Alright class,” I turn my attention from the paper and set it on the ground, looking up and Mitchell as he walks back and forth around the front. “For your little presentation, I don’t want you to just come up here and answer the questions with some paper in your hand directly reading from it. I don’t want a PowerPoint.” He clears his throat and sits on his stool. “I really want you to help us understand the emotion, talk about it. Talk about personal experiences, get vulnerable.” Fuck me. “Anyone have any questions?” he asks, making eye contact with me but I look away again. How about, can I change emotions? “Alright, you guys have, eh- 15 minutes to talk about it, write down ideas with your partner. Oh. . .” he adds. “On Friday after everyone is done, we’re going to vote for the best 3, the ones you think best described their topic. They’ll get extra credit on the next test.” He says, and uproar occurs in the room. “Now you can start.”

“Right, so let’s answer the questions.” Harry says, moving closer to me. He clears his throat and straightens the paper out in front of him. “What is love and is it different than lust? Why do we need love? Why is love important to us? Can we live without love? Have you ever been in love? Do you have to love yourself before you love others? How do you get love?”

“Wow. And we’re supposed to get vulnerable.” I laugh and shake my head.

“I think you have to love yourself before you love others.” He says, leaning his head on his elbow as he looks up at me. “Don’t you think so?”

“Uh, yea. Or at least before you can accept other’s love because then you’re just questioning why all the time.” I think for a minute. “I also think you can believe you live without love. It would be really depressing, but some people don’t believe in love, you know… so.”

Harry smiles at me and it’s more breathtaking than any other smile I’ve ever seen. “You look beautiful today.”

“Uh,” I look down at my grey hoodie and long skinny jeans and my gray TOMS on my feet. Hell, I didn’t even put make up on, I just wore my glasses. My hair has been in a huge ass bun on the top of my head since Saturday. I mean I’ve washed it but I just haven’t had the energy to do anything with it. “Thank you.”

“Should we bring food?” he whispers to me.

“Oh, we should. We should bring chocolate chip cookies, yea. You know because dark chocolate is supposed to make you feel like it does when you’re in love when you eat it. I think it’s only for women though. . .” I ponder.

“We’ll figure something out.” He says. “Just got to dig deep, who do you think should cry because I really think that would get us extra credit.” A lazy smile is spread across his face as he plays again with my notebook.

“You should cry, all the gir’ls will swoon and vote for us cause you’ll be getting in touch with your feminine side.” I joke. “Or just choke up a bit.” He chuckles, “They’re going to be like ‘Look at that sappy chappy.’” I say in my finest accent.

“That was terrible, love.” He shakes his head.

“I think it was quite good.” I use my impeccable accent again.

“You think after all these years you’d either be better at it or just give it up.” He rolls his eyes.

I shake my head as Mitchell begins to talk to us again. “Alright, so now we are going to talk about the parts that regulate emotion.” He says, pulling down the projection screen and I grab my notebook and scoot it toward me taking in once again the words he had written.

“You're staring out the window
I’m out here in the street
You stand there like a scarecrow
I’m begging you to speak
You used to be my solid ground
Now I'm drowning in the sea.”

“Oh,” he whispers, pulling my notebook from me really quickly and scribbling something down before sliding it back.

-Scarecrow by Alex & Sierra

He says I’ve been distant and I guess I really have. Maybe the only smart thing to do right now is to push my feeling aside for a little bit and just be friends with Harry. It’s like this whole year so far we have been up and down and it’s weird because we have honestly always been so close and less awkward.

I smile as I write a little note to Harry on the paper and slide it to him.

“I’ve got it; food is the way to a man’s heart.” I’ve written.

He smiles after he reads it and his eyes are lit up. “You’re such a fucking genius.” He replies and I try my best to hold in my giggle.

Notes