Maddie’s P.O.V
-2 Months Later-
I walked into the stadium and over to Isabelle. This is where she offers me food and when I decline she has a rant about me being ill when I’m perfectly fine.
“Hey, we were just about to get something to eat.” What did I tell you? “Do you want to join?” Isabelle said. Should I just pretend that I want to eat?
“Nah, I’m good thanks.” I replied. She sighed and opened her mouth. Here comes the rant.
“You’re ill Maddie. You haven’t eaten for weeks and you’re anorexic. You were warned ages ago that you were going to be and now you are. I know you’ve been finding it hard away from Harry but-” I cringed at his name. The name that I have gotten so used to not hearing or even ignoring, I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to know what he’s doing, I don’t want to know.
“I miss my kids not him. He can die for all I care.” I spat.
“If you don’t start eating and looking after yourself you’ll die for god sake. Think about your children. You said their faces when you and Harry told them you were splitting up were heart-breaking but imagine if he had to tell them that Mummy was dead and they’ll never see her again. Maddie, grow up, act your age and bloody eat.” She finished her rant. She has a point but I won’t get to the extreme where I’m basically dying will I? “If you don’t start eating, we’re calling Harry.” She added. That was it. I stormed out of the stadium and got into my hire car. They think they can use him against me but they can’t. There’s no way that he can get hold of me. I got back to the hotel and went up to my room. I got a call a few minutes later from Eleanor. Fuck.
“Hello?” I picked up.
“Maddie...” I heard his voice. I got ready to hang up, but realised that I was frozen, I couldn’t press the end button even if I wanted to. I had to hear his gorgeous voice; I have to know what he has to say.
“You’re not Eleanor.” I replied.
“I know but hear me out.” Harry begged.
“What do you want?”
“Please start eating. Don’t do this to yourself. You’ve done it before and it is not good for you. Isabelle said you haven’t eaten in weeks and that you’re going to kill yourself eventually. Just stop torturing yourself like this. We can get a divorce if it will help you. I just want you to be okay.”
“Why do you care about me? I’ve broken your heart so many times. I hate myself for doing it to you. Why do you care if I die or not?”
“Because no matter what you’ve done, you’re the love of my life, I love you with all of my heart. Think about the kids. They need their mum. If you keep starving yourself then they won’t have one and I don’t want to have to tell them that mummy is dead. It would break their hearts. Don’t do this to them or yourself.” He still loves me?
“Why do you still love me? I’m horrible.” I heard him sigh.
“Why do you always put yourself down for god sake, you’re perfect and I know you don’t want me anymore but I still care.” That’s where he’s wrong.
“Okay. I’ve got to go. Bye.” I said.
“Bye, please eat.” The tears that I had been holding in rolled down my face as I pressed the end call button. I lay on my bed for an hour and then there was a knock on the door. Probably Isabelle telling me that I need to get ready for my concert. I shouted go away and heard someone sigh. But it wasn’t Isabelle.
“Maddie, open the door.” Louis said. What’s he doing here? I got up and opened the door running into his arms.
“Ssh, I’m here. C’mon.” He picked me up bridal style and took me into the room.
“Where’s El?” I sniffed.
“At home. She didn’t want to travel with being pregnant and everything but I know you need a friendly face.” I completely forgot that Eleanor was pregnant.
“I’m so sorry.” I said into his shoulder.
“For?”
“I forgot that El was pregnant.” I admitted.
“Don’t worry about it. You’ve had a lot on your plate. Anyway, are you happy to see me?”
“I need my brother at times like this.” I said and he laughed.
“Well here I am. You don’t weigh anything. You haven’t been eating have you?”
“Didn’t Isabelle tell you? Because I just had Harry calling me telling me to eat,” I answered.
“Surely she should know that’s the worst thing for you. Doesn’t it just make everything worse?” I nodded and he pulled me closer. “I should have been here to look after my little sister. I didn’t know what you were going through.” He put me down on the bed and sat next to me.
“Your wife is pregnant. I get it. I’m not as important as El.” I’m never going to be as important as anyone.
“You and El mean the world to me. I have so many special girls in my life and you are definitely one. Along with my sisters, mum, Kayleigh and Eleanor.”
“Thank you.” I smiled.
“God I’ve missed your smile. Well I’ve just missed you. So has he.” He added.
“Don’t talk to me about him. I can’t handle it. How are the children?”
“They all miss you. Everyone does. Freya and Amelia really miss you. Eleanor has been looking after them quite a bit because Harry can’t handle it. We’ve been having them over night as well. He’s run off his feet with Brooke, Adam and Lis.”
“You should have brought them with you.” I laughed.
“Well...”
“You did?!”
“Wait here.” He left the room. A few minutes later he came back with Niall and the twins.
“You didn’t think I’d miss an opportunity to see you did you?” Niall asked opening his arms. I went over to him and he pulled me in for a hug.
“I’ve missed you.” I whispered.
“I’ve missed you too Mads.” I pulled away from him and went over to the stroller.
“God I’ve missed you two.” I picked up Amelia and Freya. “Thank you both for bringing them.” I said to Louis and Niall.
“El needs a break and they need their mum. Harry hasn’t really acknowledged them lately and we know that you want to see them every now and then.” Louis explained. That’s when I realised. It was as if a light bulb had switched on in my head.
“How is he with Lis?”
“Not been paying that much attention why?”
“Which one of the twins is he better with?”
“Amelia, why?” They answered, getting impatient now.
“It’s because I said Freya and Lis were my favourites. He’s so fucking pathetic!” I said. I can’t believe he would stoop so low.
“That makes sense...” Niall admitted.
“What stuff did you bring with you for these two?”
“Everything that you need to travel with babies,” Louis told me.
“They’re staying with me. I can handle them and it will help with my situation. And it gives you and Eleanor a break.” I looked at Louis.
“Alright, that’s fine. Harry won’t really care.”
“How’s Belle?” I turned to Niall.
“She’s good. Don’t you have a concert tonight?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. God, I forgot about that.
“Urm yeah, l should probably go.” I picked up my stuff.
“Is it okay if we come with you?” Louis questioned. Why would they even ask that? Of course it is. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be going at all. I need them there to keep me strong.
“Yeah, I wasn’t gonna go to be honest.” I admitted. They nodded and I put Freya and Amelia back into their stroller. “Let’s go.” I said pushing it.
“I’ll do that, you’re tired, I can tell.” Louis took the stroller from me. Am I tired? I don’t even know. Maybe it’s just a familiar feeling now. We got into my hire car and I drove us to the stadium. Isabelle was standing outside pacing about on the phone. She looked over when she heard my car door slam and sighed in relief.
“You really can’t leave like that, why’d you come back?” She lectured me. Just then Louis and Niall stepped out of the car.
“Is Harry with them?” She asked.
“No. I don’t need him for fuck sake. He’s a waste of space.” I said.
“Calm down Mads.” Niall said lifting Amelia out of the car. I took her from him and we went inside with Louis carrying Freya.
“So, are the twins gonna be staying with you now?” Isabelle probed.
“Yeah, Harry hasn’t been looking after them, Louis and El have.” I said and she nodded. We all went into my dressing room and I went to get changed. I put my jeans on and then went out in just my bra so I could get my hair done without getting the hairspray on my top. “If you two can’t control your eyes you can get out.” I looked at Louis and Niall staring at my boobs.
“Oh right, sorry.” Niall covered his eyes.
“You’re so skinny.” Louis pointed out.
“Do you think she doesn’t know that? She won’t eat! Maybe you two can help with that.” Emily said curling my hair. I hate having to get all dressed up every single night when all I want to do is go back to my hotel room and sleep. I hate this. Don’t get me wrong, I love performing; I just wish I didn’t have to do all of this beforehand.
“What we say won’t matter. She’s done this before, she needs him.” Niall replied, talking as if I wasn’t in the room. I sighed and looked in the mirror at my ribs showing through my skin. This has happened before, worse, I was hospitalised. This is nothing.
“I don’t need anyone. I’m perfectly fine.” I lied. I know this isn’t normal.
“I’m just saying, I know you don’t want him but if you end up in hospital because of this we’re calling him.” Louis said. At least he knows I don’t want Harry. Or do I? I don’t know what I want so why does everyone else think they do? Emily finished my hair and I put my top and jacket on.
“Niall, you can uncover your eyes now.” I told him. He moved his hand away and looked at me with a worried expression.
“You won’t tell Belle will you?”
“No,” I laughed. “I haven’t spoken to any of you since I left. I haven’t even really spoken to the kids but no I won’t tell her.” I reassured him.
-Skip Concert-
I ran off stage into my dressing room and got changed quickly. Then I went out to Louis and Niall, each holding one of the girls, and we left before we could be spotted. I drove us back to the hotel and they left me with the twins and went to their room. I sat on my bed watching E! News when something I didn’t want to see right now came on. My heart dropped at the sight and I started sobbing. He’s, he’s with HER. I screamed making the twins start crying and went into the bathroom. I looked around for any kind of pain release. I just need to distract myself from the pain I feel in my chest. I saw my razor in the shower and the idea ran through my mind. I stopped thinking about it and picked it up running it across my wrists avoiding my tattoo. The blood began dripping out onto the tiled floor as I cried, blood mixing with the tears. Freya and Amelia were still crying and suddenly they stopped.
“No! You don’t do that anymore!” Louis pulled the razor away from me. I brought my knees to my chest and started sobbing. I heard him put the razor down and crouch down in front of me, careful not to touch me. “Why are you doing this?” He whispered.
“H-h-he’s with h-h-her.” I stuttered. Niall came in and gasped when he saw me in the corner.
“I’ll be right back.” He said, hurriedly leaving the room. For fuck sake, I’m just a messed up woman who can’t control herself, and I always will be.

Notes

Uh-oh, she did it again. This just goes to show how depressed she is at the moment that she cut purely because she saw Harry and Emma together on TV.

Day 44
Day 44 Part 2

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SPOILER ALERT

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In further bits of this story, I change Emma to be a nicer person than she was. I know she's not nice at the moment, but I promise you she gets so much nicer, but that's way way way away because it's during the 8 month tour which is really near the end of the book.

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