Overworked

Maddie’s P.O.V
I don’t want to end all this but I know I have to. We can’t keep on like this, just hooking up for sex. I go back to the UK soon to start a tour which Harry has no idea about and it’s just best if we aren’t together. It’s going to take a lot for me to do this tour seeing as it’s for 4 months with only one break in between. I don’t want to miss vital parts of Amelia and Freya’s lives but I will when I’m away on tour. Another thing Harry doesn’t know is that the day he gets back from tour, I’ll be leaving. Well, I actually leave the day before so I’m going to ask Belle to look after the children for me. I can’t keep doing this with Harry. It would just be easier for both of us to cut it off completely. I turned on the TV and there was a soccer match on. I miss playing.
Flashback
“Anderson! You’re up!” My coach told me trying to pick a new sub. This is it. I thought. This is my chance to prove that I can make the first team. I could feel the nerves tingling through me. If I mess this up, I’m out. I took my layers off so I was just in my kit and ran onto the pitch in exchange for Jade, one of my closest friends at soccer practice. The whistle went signalling game resumed and the ball started rolling again. I gained possession a few times but only had a few good touches.
“We warned you she was shit!” Someone shouted. I knew they were referring to me. I suddenly felt a rush go through my small body and ran towards the ball taking it from the other team’s player. I looked at the goal and weighed up my chances. I decided to go for it. I ran towards the goal and kicked it in earning applause from around the stadium. I looked over to Dad who came for this game only because he’s on a break from work and he had the biggest smile on his face.
“She belongs in soccer! Not modelling!” One person shouted. I laughed to myself and we played on.
For games and games after that I scored time and time again. I became the top scorer of the team and definitely made the first team. I had made it in soccer.
End of Flashback
I got up from the sofa and went into my bedroom to change out of my lingerie. I put on some sweats and a jumper and sat back watching TV. I must have sat there for hours just watching pointless TV because when I checked my phone it was 10pm.
From: Isabelle
Have you told him yet? You’ve got to do it soon x
From: My Dirty Little Secret
Really enjoyed today, see you again soon, love you xx
I sighed when I read Harry’s text. It can’t happen again. Every time just makes it harder for me to tell him.
To: Isabelle
No. I need to but I can’t.x
To: My Dirty Little Secret
Can you come and see me at my office with the twins tomorrow? I need to speak to you.
I sat thinking of what I was going to say and he replied.
From: My Dirty Little Secret
Sure. See you at like 10.
I locked my phone, left it on the sofa and went into the bedroom. I took my makeup off and got into bed, wrapping myself in the duvet. It gets cold at night here in California.

I woke up at 8.30 and got ready for work. I got to work at around 9.30 and Isabelle gave me my paperwork. I looked through it and then Harry arrived. He sat down in front of my desk and I finished emailing my client.
“Urm, I need to tell you something.” I said not looking at him.
“Go on then,” Harry encouraged me. I looked at him and could tell that he was worried about what I was going to say. I can’t let him keep doing this to himself, I need to tell him so I can leave without him caring for me.
“I, urm, I don’t think, urm, we should hook up anymore. I think we really should take a break.” I told him and he looked down avoiding eye contact.
“Why do I always lose her?” He questioned quietly, not meaning for me to hear. I hate that I’ve made him feel like this. I want him to be better. I’m not going to tell him about my tour, I’m going to let him find out for himself so he can really let me go. He’s worth so much more than a screw up. And that’s what I am, a screw up. I’ve had 4 different careers, 2 that I’ve managed to screw up one way or another. It’s just too hard to stay with him when I know he can do so much better. “I, I’m going to go.” Harry told me with tears in his eyes.
“Okay, I’ll text you about the kids.” I replied and he nodded and left with Freya and Amelia. I stared at my computer background for a while. It’s a picture of all of us, Harry, me and the children including Freya and Amelia. After a few minutes there was a knock on the door. “Come in.” I said. The door opened and Isabelle came in.
“You told him then?” Yeah I told him and he complained about always losing me. It was so hard watching his eyes glisten with tears. It’s so hard to know that I was the reason for that.
“Yeah,” I muttered and opened my file of designs. I checked through them signing the ones that have been made.
“I take it he didn’t take it well, did you tell him about tour?” She asked. I shook my head and carried on with my work. He doesn’t need to know about tour. Isabelle told me she’d text Simon telling him that the press can release articles now and I worked. I worked hard all day and then wandered around the building.
“Maddie, we have a box of fan mail for you, should we leave it in your office?” Ryan asked.
“Nah, I’ll take it now, thanks.” I said and he went to get it. He came back with the box and had a look of sympathy in his eyes. Why? I don’t deserve sympathy; I just broke someone’s heart. I thanked him and left the office block and got into my car. I drove home and went upstairs with all of my stuff. I dumped everything in the hallway and then sat down looking through my fan mail. There was a book that someone had made and it had loads of pictures of me at signings and concerts. There wasn’t one picture of Harry in it which made me feel good. This is a fan who doesn’t like me because of One Direction; she likes me because of me. I followed her on Twitter and kept reading through the letters. There was a parcel and inside there was a California Girls soccer team shirt with Styles on the back. The number was 93 for the year I was born. It’s a really thoughtful gift. I finished reading through my fan mail and then put it away in the closet. I looked at the time and it was 7pm. I grabbed my keys and phone and went down to my car. I know exactly what I’m going to do. I got into my car and drove to my destination. I went inside and made an appointment. I was called about 10 minutes later.
“What would you like doing?” The tattoo artist asked.
“I want my children’s names on my wrist.” I said.
“Okay, can you write down their names and then pick the font?” She instructed. I wrote down their names and then picked a swirly font. She prepared the needle and dipped it in ink. It didn’t really hurt; it just stung like rubbing a cut with antiseptic. (A/N: I've never gotten a tattoo so I don't know if it hurts or not, don't kill me if I got this wrong.) She did all their names and I thanked her and paid her. “I don’t suppose we could get a picture, you are a celebrity.” She asked. I agreed and we took a few pictures and I signed a frame that it would go in.
“Thank you, have a good day.” The receptionist said as I left. I smiled and got into my car. I looked at my wrapped up wrist. I never really thought about getting a tattoo until I met the boys. They have loads so I thought why not just get a few. They don’t hurt much but I have gone through childbirth 5 times. I got back home and went upstairs and onto Twitter. The girl who made the book was fangirling hard and everyone else was going mad over my tattoos. I saw one tweet that stood out.
“@Harry_Styles , has Maddie always wanted a tattoo?” I looked at his reply and frowned.
“@Harry_Styles: No she hasn’t. It’s only been an idea recently. But please don’t talk to me about Maddie.” I randomly stopped on a tweet asking what my tattoo was.
“@MAStyles: My tattoo is of my children’s names in order of age. Brooklyn, Adam, Melissa, Freya and Amelia.x” Shutting my Twitter, I went into my bedroom. How did I end up like this? I really thought that when I left for the UK, I would go to University, get a degree and move back home but instead I turned my life upside down by having a child and getting married. We lasted 13 years and then split up and if I’m being honest to myself, I don’t see us getting back together. I honestly believe that we weren’t meant to be together. I’ve thought about leaving and never coming back, pretending that I was 20 again but I already do that and I think I should just grow up and start acting my age. It’s time for Harry and I to get a divorce and be mature about it. I sat down on my laptop and did some work and checked the articles about my tour. They all said that I was leaving for a four month tour in a month. I can just imagine Harry’s expression when he sees it. But what I do is none of his business anymore, he made that clear. I got ready for bed and lay down. Just thinking. Every time I close my eyes I see Harry when I told him we should end things properly. It’s torturing me. I lay awake for hours and hours. What if Harry never wants me near the kids again now? I didn’t even show any emotion when I told him I didn’t want to keep hooking up. He must think I don’t care. Eventually, I fell asleep, thinking about what I’ve done to myself in the past thirteen years.

Notes

Bet none of you were expecting that. I decided to put in some detailed paragraphs in this chapter because I feel like my stories are mostly speech and they need a few thoughts in there. Hope you liked it, comment your opinions please.

Day 42

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