Father, did you miss me?
Don't ask me where I've been
You know I know, yes I've been told
I redefine sin
And I don't know what's driving me
To put this in my head
Maybe I wish I could die, maybe I am dead
-Going to Hell, The Pretty Reckless



I opened my eyes after giving up in falling back asleep. The white ceiling looked extremely familiar to my eyes as I knew I had saw it every other night. I have been surviving out of ten minutes of sleep every night. I have no idea how I manage to stay awake during classes. I sighed and pushed my feet out of bed and left them hanging back and forth just for a second while I made the math.
Six thousand, five hundred and thirty days since I was born. A thousand and ninety five days since the razor became my best friend. Nine hundred and forty days since I made my first tattoo. Seven hundred and thirty days since I found my escape from reality in alcohol. Three hundred and sixty five days since the last school year started.
I have been breathing for One hundred and fifty-seven thousand, six hundred and eighty, wich only Three hundred and six thousand, six hundred felt like I was alive. The other sixty-seven thousand, six hundred felt like I was dead. Basically, I was dead since my fourteen years old.
I tried to make myself live again. I went out, I drank, I partied… But nothing ever woke me up from my numb state. I am empty inside!
People at school say I don’t have a heart. Maybe they’re right. Go spread it on the papers and gossip websites. I can see the big black, thick letters already: Kaya Coleman doesn’t have a heart for people to break. Having one would only make me weaker, his way, no one breaks my heart.
Believe it or not, there are people out there who are after a way to make me ‘self-destruct’ myself. They won’t find any, but they don’t need to know it right? It’s a way of keeping them busy so they won’t bug me more than their existence does already. If there was a group against someone it would be called ‘People who hate Kaya Coleman’, and most of the integrants would be from the popular group.
Let’s just say they’re not supportive of my actions, or the clothes I wear, or the things I do, or the amount of make-up I put on. They’re the shiny group, compared to the sun by many of the students. I’m the moon. Dark, mysterious, unreachable, cold, unbreakable with an attractive sparkle no one dares to question where it comes from. That’s what they say in the halls. I find it stupid that they compare themselves to space… space, like they’re not relevant, a vacuum where there’s no oxygen, no light, no life. Great way to call themselves empty. They think they’re neutral. Just because they are not as pretty as the popular group or as dark as me, they think they’re useless, a waste of space and time. How can someone have such low confidence.
I reached for knob of the drawer in my bedside table and took a pack of Marlboro cigarettes from there. The lighter was on top of the bedside table, under the small lamp. I grabbed it and then got up. I walked towards my huge window and opened it, taking a small impulse to sit on the frame. I pushed my legs out and remembered how I was scared of heights when I was younger. That never stopped me, not anymore. I do this almost every day so the fear kind of faded off.
I looked down at the green lawn as I took a cigarette from the pack. I put it on my lips as I put the pack down and grabbed the lighter. How I wish I just fell off and died. That would make life worth living for some other people. Rolling my eyes with a side smile on my lips, I turned the lighter on and put my right hand into a shell form to keep the wind from making the task of lighting the cigarette even harder. I closed the lid of the lighter and put it on top of the pack of cigarettes. I pulled the smoke in and held the cigarette between my index finger and my middle finger, my legs crossed, a hand wrapped around my body as I looked over at the horizon.
The night was coming to an end and the dawn was coming. I could see the golden sun rays looking for space to breathe and sparkle in something. The sun was coming, the moon was leaving… My time was coming to an end. I rolled my eyes again as I let the smoke come out my lips. My time was programmed already, and it wasn’t twenty four hours that were going to delimit that. I am the one who chooses my own life terms, not some fucking clock.
I smiled to myself, brining the cigarette to my mouth once more as I thought about how my own death would be. Bleeding to death? Hanging back and forth in my room? Take pills? Put myself in front of a car? Drug overdose?
So much to choose from! I thought to myself as I let out all the smoke I had locked inside once more. The smoke in the dawn looked like a breath from a non-smoker, something little kids play with when they’re younger, something you probably used already to warm your hand up. These are my breaths! I thought, looking at the cigarette between my fingers These little fuckers are my every exhalation!
I smiled to myself once more, remembering how addicting these are. I can’t wake up properly without at least one of them. I put it again between my lips to pull more smoke inside. This time I let it out in rings. My experience gives me the ability of doing it without any type of problem. I looked at the line of smoke rings that was now formed and running out of my rooms window like they were scared. Thanks to the breeze, they quickly deformed and turned into oval instead of round. I rolled my eyes.
Life always ruins what’s more fragile, like those rings. The slightest breeze makes them deform and turn into something completely different. Ironical, the weaker ones are the ones that always get it first. My life is based around that theory: The weaker are the ones who go faster. But then, wasn’t I weak, planning my own death? Wasn’t I selfish!
Well, the people who think like that clearly never got into my head. Or anyone else that’s suicidal for that matter. I’m making a favor to the society. I can free people from their life’s hatred against me, I can free my parents from a burden, I can free my brother from taking care of me.
Another smile appeared in my face. I was sure as hell I wasn’t a coward, I was just making everyone a favor. I looked at the tip of the cigarette that was now really small, these things always end too quickly. I smiled to myself when I started lowering the still hot tip to my uncovered leg. What’s another mark between all of the others right?!
I sucked on my teeth once the tip of the cigar hit my pale skin and burn it, I narrowed my eyes. Pain! That’s good! I feel better now! Pulling down the long and large t-shirt with the Guns N’Roses symbol in the front I use to sleep every night, I hid the mark, and all the others too.
I jumped out of the window, walking in my tip toes over the frame like a small kid. I jumped to the wooded ground and someone knocked on my door the second my feet hit the ground.
“Yes?” I asked.
The door opened to show Dennis, standing there only with his pajamas’ pants on and his hair completely out of place. The difference between me and Dennis, besides him being gorgeous and me being just … me, is that he’s calm, calmer than people his age. I think he never really tasted freedom, he’s giving up on his so I can have mine. Sometimes I feel bad about it, but most of the times I don’t give a shit to anything. But Dennis, Dennis is my brother and I have no idea what I would do without them.
“You good?” He asked with a slurry voice of someone who just woke up
“Yeah!” I shrugged
“Get ready okay? We need to leave for school in one hour!” I nodded “You stood up till late?” He asked me
“No!” I lied. I don’t want to worry him, he has more to think about. “Why?” I asked, throwing myself in bed and crossing my legs under myself. Just because I can’t sleep, It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the softness of my bed
“I was going to ask you if you heard mom or dad coming home yesterday!” I immediately rolled my eyes inside my closed lids.
Yes, I heard them alright. All the giggling and the loud noises. I wasn’t asleep, I rarely was asleep. The smell of alcohol reached my nostrils from outside the door and the hurtles against the wall only confirmed that they really were drunk. Typical of my irresponsible parents. But I had to come after someone right? Unfortunately, I got the bad parts and Dennis got the good ones.
He got the blue eyes, and he’s tall. He has this amazing personality that makes everyone attracted to him, you find yourself wanting to be near him all the time. I got the brown eyes, the small frame and the crooked teeth that had to be fixed when I was sixteen. Instead of pulling people in, I push them out automatically.
Why bother anyways? It’s not like they’re gonna stick around long enough to care, or truthfully hear something I tell them. They just don’t care. They don’t care at all! That’s what’s wrong with people now days. They are selfish, self-centered, don’t look at means to get what they want. That’s society now days. A big pile of shit!
People can’t leave their house dressed a little bit more different than they are immediately equipped with insults and rude comments. The thing with me is that I got used to it in my fourteen years of age. I don’t care anymore. I wear what I want, and I can bet that I’m envied because of that! Oh please, grow a pair. It’s your clothes, you wear them if you want to, no one can tell you what to wear and what not to wear. Well, let’s just say there’s some people who can after all.
“I didn’t D!” I told him and he nodded
“If you need anything…” I cut him off
“Just call! I know it Dennis, don’t worry!” I offered him my best fake smile. He smiled back and turned the handle silently to not wake up mom and dad.
Dad is the owner of a big ass lawyers firm. Things usually run themselves over there, plus, that’s why they hired Nathalie, so my dad and my mom could do whatever they want. At least they gave my brother a sister, that’s the least they could do to keep him from suffering from boredom till death. I offered the ceiling a side, ironical smile, but it quickly disappeared when my phone rang.
“Who is it now?!” I mumbled, dragging myself over the bed to reach my iPhone over the bedside table. These things serve me for a lot of things, believe me.
I grabbed the phone and saw that I had a message, a message from Mason. Mason is the guy who sets me up for the parties. He sends me texts and I just go to the parties. I have nothing better to do so what’s the harm? I opened it, cursing myself from mumbling when I heard the noise coming from the phone.
I had a party today, a party in someone’ house. Mason said I didn’t knew the guy, but the guy promised it was going to be a huge and great party. He invited everyone except me. Oh, how rude! If this didn’t sound so ironical in my head, I think I would laugh out of mockery towards the boy who threw this party. Everyone knows that a party isn’t a party until someone crashes in!
I smiled to myself and pushed myself out of bed being extra careful not to show my upper thighs to anybody, even if I was alone. I walked to my bedrooms bathroom and opened the water, pulling my hair into a messy bun. Before I got in, I looked at the bony scapulas in my chest and how my cheek bones were now almost none-existent. I sighed, knowing my weight loss was due to my lack of sleep. When a hot steam was coming out of the shower, I got inside, feeling the thermic shock it was to have a jet of hot water hit against my back. I grabbed my strawberry body cream and cleaned myself up. The steam had no created a mystical place out of my bathroom, and it seemed like I was walking over clouds with the amount of steam there was.
I opened the window for it to go out and with my palm cleaned the fog attached to the mirror. I could see my eyeliner stained eyes. I completely forgot to take my make-up off yesterday. It’s horrible for the skin and I know it. I know I should be more careful with myself, but there’s no point in doing it. I won’t last long. I smiled to my own reflection. I looked like a lunatic, a demented person, a murderer, and I liked it. Sighing, I grabbed the end of the towel and wet the tip, running it under my eyes next to take the black smudges from my pale face. My brown eyes looked lifeless. Well, life they had, it just wasn’t my own. I tried to smile, one hand grabbing the towel I was now putting around my body.
Smile! I told myself. Smile! They might get some life if you do! That way you can pretend better! You can fool them! With a lot of effort, the corners of my lips turned up and I looked into my eyes. Nothing. All I could see were still the shadows of the demons that torment me, disguised by a greenish brown tone that was my eye color. Nothing! I could try forever that my eyes wouldn’t simply get rid of the shadows that were tormenting my soul.
There lie the demons that darken my soul.
I smiled devilishly to myself. I have an agreement with them, they only bother me when I let them, they occupy the back of my head when I don’t feel like paying attention to them. With one condition, they come full strength when I let them, and they persuaded me to end my life already. That’s the biggest condition of them all, acceptance that they are the ones who are going to kill me. I don’t care, I know I’m going to heaven! How could I possibly know? Well, my life is lived in hell!
I turned around and walked to my room, holding the towel around my body. I slammed the door behind me, wanting to wake my hangover parents. I smiled to myself when the sound echoed the house and I was sure Dennis had sighed. He always does when I do something like this. I don’t care, I know he gets me, he just likes to show his rebellion in different ways. like acting like an adult when he should be just fooling around. We’re both adults and we can do whatever we want. One of these days, I’ll go away and no one is going to see me again, with the money I saved, I would do more than fine for a year or so. One day…
I opened the second and last drawer of my bedside table and took out my favorite black laced bra and matching panties and put those on. My small breasts fitted perfectly. People often tell me I would look hot if I had bigger boobs, please note that I only allow people to talk to me like that when they’re drunk, otherwise, they would be dead. I always tell them I have enough boobs for myself. I don’t want to be one of those girls who has breasts so big that if they fell in the water, the boobs would serve them as buoys. No, I have enough boobs for myself.
I took my hands to my ribs once I was done with getting on the underwear. I always do this. It’s an addiction of mine to run them over the huge dream catcher I have tattooed over the bone. It hurt, a lot, the tattoo guy said that I chose an awful place for my first tattoo and it would hurt a lot, but I wasn’t planning on making any more.
I walked to the wardrobe and pulled my favorite outfit out. The first day of school is always important. You have to make an impression on the new kids. I plan on doing just so. But not in the good way. Half-smiling, I took the black top with the skull on it from the hanger and slipped it down my upper body part. I liked how the top hanged in my hips and how it only showed a decent part of my bra… like any part of a showing bra is decent. I wished Dennis would let me go out like this, only with the shirt on, but I know he doesn’t so I grabbed my favorite pair of faded denim shorts, but before I got on them, I put some black pantyhose’s on. Once I was done doing that, I fetched my black converses where I had draw, with my corrector pen, two moons in the back, over the sole. It’s like my own trend mark. I’m the moon remember?
I got those on and grabbed my favorite leather jacket from the hanger. I pulled it over my arms, feeling how it fully adjusted and fitted my body perfectly. I pushed the sides more open and grabbed my black beanie that said hype and threw it on the bed. I closed the wardrobe’s doors and grabbed the towel before I ran to the bathroom again.
I let my hairs fall down as I threw the towel to the pile of ‘Clothes to Wash’ as me and Dennis called it. Mariah, our maid, she would take care of it. She comes here once a week, and I can tell you that there’s a lot that can happen in this house for a week, but Mariah always managed to come around! I kind of like her, plus, I think she’ll be okay cleaning my blood once I’m gone.
I watched as the layers of hair fell in my shoulders and how the ripples combined and would look perfect under my beanie. I got my hands trapped between my dark chocolate hairs and shook them only to make the troublemaker idea even more reliable. I smiled when I saw my weirdly bulky hair. It looked like a main, in a few minutes it would be fine. Just a sec.
I leaned down and opened the cabinet under the sink, pulling a make-up bag form underneath it. I grabbed the eyeliner, the foundation, the red lipstick, and the mascara. I sat in the corner of the fitment so I was closer to the mirror and grabbed the foundation, spreading it evenly in my face as I took several looks before I moved to the eyeliner. I made a heavy line under my eyes and also an even darker and thicker one over my eyelid. I grabbed the mascara next, giving my lashes two or three brushes with the brush to make it look heavier. I stepped back, giving a small jump from the place I was sat in and took two steps back.
As I looked into the mirror, I smiled. Perfect, just perfect. I got closer again and leaned, grabbing the lipstick. I parted my lips and with a skill of someone who did this too many times before, I perfectly applied the lipstick of a blood color in my lips without getting out of the outline of the lip. I rubbed them together and I was done. Finished. Finito.Fini.Acabado.
I was done!
I got out of my bathroom after I put everything back in its place. I grabbed my beanie and put it on my head. I grabbed the black backpack that had the most variable names of rock bands you can ever imagine. Dennis wanted me to buy a new one, but why? So I would do the same to the new one? No thank you, and I think it wouldn’t end up being as good as this one is. I threw the books I needed for the day inside and closed the zipper that had a pendent made out of coke cans rings, attached to it. I made it myself.
My eyes hurt thanks to the sun so I grabbed my Ray Bans, hiding my perfectionist work I had just done. I can blame the lack of sleep for this. I put only one strap of the backpack in my arms and walk downstairs, going down the stairs loudly so I would bother my hangover parents. Dennis was waiting me up by the door, holding a yellow apple, my favorite. He gave me a sweet older brother smile and threw the apple.
I grabbed it with one hand and took a bite of it, feeling the juices go down my throat. While I chewed and held the apple in my right hand, the left grabbed the keys from the table. I threw them to him and he caught them with one hand. He laughed and I smiled just because I loved his laugh. My smiled are never forced when it comes to Dennis, he’s the only one who gets to really cheer me up.
“KAYA! DENNIS!” We heard out mom yell and we both looked at each other, eyes widening.
“Run, run!” I told him and we both ran out of the door, slamming it behind us and ran to the car.
Dennis clicked a button and the car opened. I got in immediately, seeing my mom standing in front of our door with eyes of someone who had a huge headache and needed to sleep. She has a problem, a problem with alcohol!
Dennis started the car when she started to walk in our direction. He started to drive before she could reach my door, and I only noticed I was holding on to the handle with all the strength I had when I let go of it and relaxed. I took a deep breath. I don’t like to admit it, but my mom scares the crap out of me. She’s mean, and when I say mean, I don’t say mean like me who only put people through bearable things, she’s awful. My dad shows a bit of love, he smallest sign sometimes, but her, she doesn’t love us, she couldn’t care less about us, and despise the recognizing as kids part, my dad couldn’t give two shits about us neither.
I grabbed my earphones from the smallest pocket of the backpack and connected them to my phone. The Pretty Reckless blasted my ears as Dennis drove in silence. I looked outside. People walked in the sidewalks as we were driving. Well, Dennis was driving, I was sat there, like I usually am. He normally complains about me looking lifeless by his side, but today he won’t say anything. I know it because he knows I’m in a bad mood. He never does anything to get me mad, it’s the opposite actually, he usually tends to calm me down.
I’m in a special mood because… well, because it’s the first day of school. I think no one is ever in a good mood in the first day of school. Me especially since I’m going to spend six hours with people who don’t even like me. Everyone likes Dennis in college, they hate me here, but that’s fine, I’m going to end this and go to college where there are actually people who like the way I am.
The sky was of a light blue. Great, the sun is out. I rolled my eyes to myself. That only means it’s going to hurt me even more to walk over there. Nobody can actually let the pale girl with heavy make-up and tight clothes slip out without being noticed. But… who cares. Me not for sure! They’re just suckers who have no idea what life’s about. They’ll only know what life is about when they are close of losing it… Suckers.
I rolled my eyes again, luckily being hidden by my Ray Bans, when the school property came to my sight. I pulled one of my earphones from my ears and turned to look at Dennis when he stopped. He kissed my forehead and sent me away.
“Have a good day!” He said and I nodded
I pulled my backpack from my legs after putting the other earphone on and opened the door, getting out and closing the door with dark windows behind me. I immediately assumed a different position when the car drove away. No more calm, no more peace because Dennis wasn’t here anymore. Seeing people sat under the trees talking to their friends made me roll my eyes under my sun glasses. And when I saw Macy with her friends under a tree, crying already, I felt like throwing up. Let me explain you guys why!
Macy is a cutter. She cuts and then comes to school to tell everybody, I mean, she doesn’t even try to hide the marks in her wrists. She claims she’s depressed. Yeah right! I can’t say that all of the people here are smart, but one or two must be. I mean, everybody knows depression isn’t just cutting, plus, a depressed person doesn’t accept that they’re depressed, neither they come around and tell everybody they cut. They hide stuff, at everybody’s sight, but they do hide it.
All the eyes were fixed on me now and I poked the strap of my backpack in annoyance. I made an loud ‘urg’ for them and started walking through the middle of the grass towards the schools door. Its depressive here. It might be surrounded with trees and grass and have birds singing in branches, but being closed in a room for ninety minutes makes me feel like I’m trapped, and I don’t like it one bit.
I pushed the doors and got in the school, taking my sunglasses and hanging them in my jeans pocket. The shorts and the showing bra meant nothing but one thing here: Troublemaker! I walked freely through the hallway as no one stopped me. No one ever did. Yeah, this dumbasses better know not to cross my way, I have no time to even acknowledge their existence, I’m drowning on my own already. I can almost hear their thoughts over the loud music.
Freak! Weirdo! Creep!
The hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here! I stopped in front of my locker and opened it quickly. I put the books I wasn’t going to need inside and pulled my backpack out again. Once I closed the door, I put one strap over my shoulder and turned around to go to the cafeteria. It’s nice their, and they had coffee almost as good as Starbucks. There’s just one thing I don’t like, it’s normally cramped. Today, with people being in the halls or the gardens, I might have a chance to stay there for a while.
Once I got inside and the door closed behind me I felt the smell of food. Breakfast for the ones who didn’t have anything at home because they didn’t have time, or because they just want to pick it up here. I pulled one earphone from my ear again and let it hang while I walked to the counter.
“The usual, Coleman?” The woman behind the counter asked with a huge smile on her lips and I nodded.
The usual is a coffee and a toast for me. That woman is known for knowing everyone in here. I turned around to find an empty table and spotted a lot of them. Only two were full and it was the soccer team who was occupying them. I rolled my eyes.
The soccer team is known for being major jerks. I couldn’t care less. I don’t talk to anyone here, and if I did, it wouldn’t be them. They’re known for being the players and I have no time for small high school crushes. I chose the table that was more distant from them as possible.
I let myself fall in the chair and pulled another closer to me so I could rest my feet there. I put the other earphone in my ear and dragged the chair so one of the legs was supporting against the table’s leg. That way the chair won’t move whatever level of strength I decide to do over it. I supported my feet in the edge of the red chair and tapped my palms against my legs, feeling the beat of the music. I watched how my small feet were making a type of beat too. I was listening to The Script now. I kind of like them, but their songs make me depressed sometimes.
I felt something burning in my nape, like someone was watching me, so I turned around and found a pair of sparkly blue eyes.
Everybody, meet Niall Horan!
They new acquisition of this schools football team. He came here in the middle of last school year and became the sweetheart to everybody… except me. I have to admit Niall is attractive. He has dirty blond hairs and a pair of blue eyes so sparkly I wish I could have the same. He’s fit, like he has to be if he wants to turn into a football star. He is our small little star already, but I bet he wants to go wide, I mean, don’t all of them? Niall is the type of guy who makes every girl in the school property gush over him. He’s hot alright, I give you that, but to be hanging with those guys… He must be a huge manwhore.
I rolled my eyes at him, who was still looking at me, and turned to the front. He was probably just trying to find a way of getting in my nerves. Sorry pal, won’t happen. My coffee arrived, along with my toast and I ate both in silence while I heard Taylor Momsen yelling in my ears again. When the end of the toast came, I grabbed the rest of the coffee and walked to the counter to pay.
The woman smiled at me and, regardless the fact that I wanted but couldn’t so the same, I extended a bill to her and she sighed, grabbing it and paying my meal. I walked back to the table and picked up my stuff, putting the earphones in the pocket since the classes would begging any minute now.
“Hey, you! Kaya!” Someone yelled and I turned to look at them.
A tall boy with blond hairs and brown eyes was looking at me. I raised an eyebrow, what could that asshole probably want with me? He smirked
“Nice bra!” He said and I rolled my eyes at him, showing him my middle finger.
I grabbed my backpack and walked out, only being capable of hearing:
“Outch Horan, what was that for?!”

Notes