It Takes Patience III: Stripped
Chapter 35: Moment of Truth (part 2)
*Reagan’s POV*
As I paced back and forth running my hands through my hair, I could see everything fall apart in front of me. My relationship with Harry would surely crumble. I love him, but I know he’s not ready for a child and neither am I. The statistics for young adults who remain together after having a baby out of wedlock are insanely low and if I’m being real with myself, I have a feeling that Harry and I wouldn’t be able to withstand it. My hopes for the future that I had planned for myself seem to shrink a little farther away, becoming less easy to grasp as I picture myself trying to care for a child. And my sanity that I’ve been working so hard on trying to maintain cracks even further down the middle with every rolling punch that life decides to throw my way.
Overall I feel selfish and mostly like a bad person for not wanting a child, at least not right now. A maternal side of me tries to weigh everything out and have me see the beautiful side in what I’m considering to be another burden. When I get myself to calm down momentarily, I can see children, a boy and a girl. Twins in fact. The boy would have straight hair like his mother and green eyes that could pierce straight through the heart like his father and the girl would have her fathers wispy hair and long eyelashes that I’m envious of. They would be absolutely beautiful, but when I think about how unstable I am and how unfit I am to be a mother, I fall apart again.
I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate as a possible anxiety attack rears up, but I continue to repeatedly walk the length of the room none the less. Its been a pattern really. I allow myself to be still momentarily to try and relax, but when I sit for too long my mind races so I get up again and pace back and forth. Harry always does it when he’s upset but it brings me no real comfort, it only keeps me busy.
I can barely see what’s in front of me. Not only are my glasses off, but the tears that cloud my vision have began to stream down my face steadily with no inhibitions. Channel tries to grasp me like she has several times tonight to try and stop me in my tracks, but I pull away from her. The sudden need to be alone becomes strong and my mind goes blank again, however, this time I don’t see what I used to be before everything started falling apart or a breathtaking combination of Harry and myself. The space in my mind is filled with what would usually be considered as a bloodcurdling darkness, but the more I feel it stretch throughout the corners and cover up everything that I used to be sure of, the more comfortable I feel in it.
“Rea?! Reagan!”
Channel’s voice sounds like a white noise off in the distance even though I can almost make out the outlines of her standing directly in front of me. Her hands grip my arms and I know I can see them, but I can’t feel them. My body has begun to go numb allowing for the fear I feel inside of my head to take over. I would honestly rather feel bodily pain, but if I were to be slapped right now, I wouldn’t even notice it.
Channel’s hands ran up and down my arms as if I were cold bringing my attention back to her and back to the reality that is.
I’m pregnant.
“Reagan?” Channel questioned me, looking at me as if I’d been passed out for the last few hours, or has it only been minutes? I don't even know how long I've been in this sense of shock.
“Is your medication here? You need to try to calm your breathing.”
I could feel my arm lift, my index finger pointing to my purse giving her some sense of direction. My body seems to want to be calm, while my mind continues to run rapidly, trying to digest everything and make sense of it all. I finally allowed myself to sit down and when Channel brought me my pills, she sat down silently next to me. We must have stayed that way for twenty minutes, both of us lost in thought before Channel finally broke the uneasy silence.
“There could be something wrong with the tests. They could be false positives. You did get one negative.”
“False positives don’t happen twice with two different brands of tests Channel.” My voice is shot and I feel physically and mentally tired, “the negative is the one that was wrong.”
I laugh to myself humorlessly.Wait until I tell my mom her baby radar was right. How am I going to tell Harry that– I stop the thought before it can be finished. Channel and I have been up for a while I'm guessing, but I’ve yet to hear anything from H. since early yesterday.
“Channel, what time is it?”
“Four-forty three...in the morning.” Channel mumbles as she fiddles with her phone, thumbs rapidly going over the keypad and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. It almost looks as if something is bothering her, but as I try to look over her shoulder at the message she locks her phone and looks at me with a tight lipped grin.
With everything that’s happened tonight it takes me a while to add up the time. If its four-forty three here then–
“His trial is over.” I blurt out with my voice more horse than usual.
“What?” Channel begins to tap away on her phone again as she gets another message, eyebrows furrowing instantly.
I stand up again as I feel my chest constrict. Its getting harder for me to breath again and I feel as if I haven’t taken anything to calm my nerves.
“Channel,” I gasp making her look up at me, “Its almost one in the afternoon in London. His trial is over and its been over for almost two hours.”
I take out my phone to dial Harry’s number but the phone continuously rings and I get no answer. I run my hand shakily through my hair and redial his number to once again receive nothing on the other line.
“He’s not answering.” My blood begins to run cold and my stomach churns at the negative thought that crosses my mind. I dial his phone again only to get the same result as the past two times.
“They took him back, Channel...he’s not answering me because they took him back to Maudsley and he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve it.” More tears stream down my face as sit down against the floor and Channel grabs my hand pulling me towards her bedroom.
“Reagan, calm down! You’re tired babe. You’re overly tired and you’ve been through a lot today. Harry is probably fine, okay?” Channel takes my phone but I’m too exhausted to put up a fight for it. My head leans against her shoulder as silent sobs wrack my frame. She rubs my back before lying me down in my old room in my old bed, taking off my shoes.
Though I try to fight it my eyes get heavy and I fall into a light fitful sleep. Something is keeping me from the deep slumber that my body craves and as I sit up only half way conscious in bed with my head pounding as if my brain would come through my ears, I think that I can hear Channel speaking to someone in a hushed tone. I drown out my own thoughts in order to listen to what she’s saying but I can only catch a little bit of it.
“Well what time should we be there?”
She sounds annoyed and I want to get out of bed to get in better earshot of what’s being said, but the signal’s that my brain sends for my body to move makes a wrong turn somewhere, either that or my body is telling me to fuck off.
“Do you know how hard that was for me not to tell her that…”
As Channel continues to talk, I fall back to sleep, unable to keep up with the conversation.
What feels like thirty minutes later, my shoulder is being shaken roughly and it makes me feel like I’m going to throw up. My head still hurts and I’m sure I look like shit, but Channel stands over me regardless with a bottle of water in her hand offering it to me.
“What?” My voice croaks out from my throat. I sound as disgusting as I feel.
“Get up we have to go to the store. I need to get food.”
I roll my eyes at her before I take the water bottle and open it. Taking small sips, brings minor relief to my throat, but I still don't feel good and going to the store is the last thing on my list. I lie back down pulling the covers back over me before I close my eyes again.
“You go, I’m staying here.”
“Reagan get the fuck up! You’re not staying here to wallow in self pity!”
Channel snarls at me taking me completely off guard. and when I look at her, her eyes are red as if she has barely had any sleep. As I search the room around me and find the clock, I quickly find out that it's just past five o'clock in the afternoon and I've been asleep for over thirteen hours.I immediately feel bad. I know I’ve been a lot to handle just over the past twenty four hours alone. The least I can do is go with her to the fucking grocery store, especially if she's been awake as long as I think she has because of me.
“Fine. Can you give me my phone please?” I ask her meekly not wanting to upset her anymore than I already have and she hands me the tiny device. I could have sworn she was looking at me as if she was trying to feign an attitude, but I’m sure that my judgement is off right now.
My fingers dial Harry’s number again, but this time I only get his voicemail. I don’t want to fall apart in front of Channel again so instead I turn her radio on blast in her tiny black Eclipse to quiet my mind and put on my sunglasses to hide the way that my eyes water.
Channel and I ride in silence, but she passes the stores making me look at her in confusion.
“I think you took a wrong turn.”
“We're not going to the store. I lied.” She says blatantly, keeping her eyes on the road as she goes on to the expressway.
“Then where are we going?”
“I’m takin you to the doctor, so you can know for sure.”
My eyebrows furrow at her and I immediately become annoyed. She didn’t even give me the chance to shower before she rushed me out of the house.
“Channel, what the fuck?! Turn the car around! I’m not going to the doctor right now!”
“No...you’re not.”
“Then what are you talking about?! I don’t feel like playing games! I’m not in the mood for this shit!”
Channel smiles and starts to laugh as I yell at her.
“Pay attention to the road Rea-Tard. Where are we? Where am I taking you?”
As my eyes snap off of Channel and back to the highway in front of me, my throat goes dry and I can feel my heart speed up in my chest as we turn into the pick-up entry way at LAX airport.
As I paced back and forth running my hands through my hair, I could see everything fall apart in front of me. My relationship with Harry would surely crumble. I love him, but I know he’s not ready for a child and neither am I. The statistics for young adults who remain together after having a baby out of wedlock are insanely low and if I’m being real with myself, I have a feeling that Harry and I wouldn’t be able to withstand it. My hopes for the future that I had planned for myself seem to shrink a little farther away, becoming less easy to grasp as I picture myself trying to care for a child. And my sanity that I’ve been working so hard on trying to maintain cracks even further down the middle with every rolling punch that life decides to throw my way.
Overall I feel selfish and mostly like a bad person for not wanting a child, at least not right now. A maternal side of me tries to weigh everything out and have me see the beautiful side in what I’m considering to be another burden. When I get myself to calm down momentarily, I can see children, a boy and a girl. Twins in fact. The boy would have straight hair like his mother and green eyes that could pierce straight through the heart like his father and the girl would have her fathers wispy hair and long eyelashes that I’m envious of. They would be absolutely beautiful, but when I think about how unstable I am and how unfit I am to be a mother, I fall apart again.
I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate as a possible anxiety attack rears up, but I continue to repeatedly walk the length of the room none the less. Its been a pattern really. I allow myself to be still momentarily to try and relax, but when I sit for too long my mind races so I get up again and pace back and forth. Harry always does it when he’s upset but it brings me no real comfort, it only keeps me busy.
I can barely see what’s in front of me. Not only are my glasses off, but the tears that cloud my vision have began to stream down my face steadily with no inhibitions. Channel tries to grasp me like she has several times tonight to try and stop me in my tracks, but I pull away from her. The sudden need to be alone becomes strong and my mind goes blank again, however, this time I don’t see what I used to be before everything started falling apart or a breathtaking combination of Harry and myself. The space in my mind is filled with what would usually be considered as a bloodcurdling darkness, but the more I feel it stretch throughout the corners and cover up everything that I used to be sure of, the more comfortable I feel in it.
“Rea?! Reagan!”
Channel’s voice sounds like a white noise off in the distance even though I can almost make out the outlines of her standing directly in front of me. Her hands grip my arms and I know I can see them, but I can’t feel them. My body has begun to go numb allowing for the fear I feel inside of my head to take over. I would honestly rather feel bodily pain, but if I were to be slapped right now, I wouldn’t even notice it.
Channel’s hands ran up and down my arms as if I were cold bringing my attention back to her and back to the reality that is.
I’m pregnant.
“Reagan?” Channel questioned me, looking at me as if I’d been passed out for the last few hours, or has it only been minutes? I don't even know how long I've been in this sense of shock.
“Is your medication here? You need to try to calm your breathing.”
I could feel my arm lift, my index finger pointing to my purse giving her some sense of direction. My body seems to want to be calm, while my mind continues to run rapidly, trying to digest everything and make sense of it all. I finally allowed myself to sit down and when Channel brought me my pills, she sat down silently next to me. We must have stayed that way for twenty minutes, both of us lost in thought before Channel finally broke the uneasy silence.
“There could be something wrong with the tests. They could be false positives. You did get one negative.”
“False positives don’t happen twice with two different brands of tests Channel.” My voice is shot and I feel physically and mentally tired, “the negative is the one that was wrong.”
I laugh to myself humorlessly.Wait until I tell my mom her baby radar was right. How am I going to tell Harry that– I stop the thought before it can be finished. Channel and I have been up for a while I'm guessing, but I’ve yet to hear anything from H. since early yesterday.
“Channel, what time is it?”
“Four-forty three...in the morning.” Channel mumbles as she fiddles with her phone, thumbs rapidly going over the keypad and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. It almost looks as if something is bothering her, but as I try to look over her shoulder at the message she locks her phone and looks at me with a tight lipped grin.
With everything that’s happened tonight it takes me a while to add up the time. If its four-forty three here then–
“His trial is over.” I blurt out with my voice more horse than usual.
“What?” Channel begins to tap away on her phone again as she gets another message, eyebrows furrowing instantly.
I stand up again as I feel my chest constrict. Its getting harder for me to breath again and I feel as if I haven’t taken anything to calm my nerves.
“Channel,” I gasp making her look up at me, “Its almost one in the afternoon in London. His trial is over and its been over for almost two hours.”
I take out my phone to dial Harry’s number but the phone continuously rings and I get no answer. I run my hand shakily through my hair and redial his number to once again receive nothing on the other line.
“He’s not answering.” My blood begins to run cold and my stomach churns at the negative thought that crosses my mind. I dial his phone again only to get the same result as the past two times.
“They took him back, Channel...he’s not answering me because they took him back to Maudsley and he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve it.” More tears stream down my face as sit down against the floor and Channel grabs my hand pulling me towards her bedroom.
“Reagan, calm down! You’re tired babe. You’re overly tired and you’ve been through a lot today. Harry is probably fine, okay?” Channel takes my phone but I’m too exhausted to put up a fight for it. My head leans against her shoulder as silent sobs wrack my frame. She rubs my back before lying me down in my old room in my old bed, taking off my shoes.
Though I try to fight it my eyes get heavy and I fall into a light fitful sleep. Something is keeping me from the deep slumber that my body craves and as I sit up only half way conscious in bed with my head pounding as if my brain would come through my ears, I think that I can hear Channel speaking to someone in a hushed tone. I drown out my own thoughts in order to listen to what she’s saying but I can only catch a little bit of it.
“Well what time should we be there?”
She sounds annoyed and I want to get out of bed to get in better earshot of what’s being said, but the signal’s that my brain sends for my body to move makes a wrong turn somewhere, either that or my body is telling me to fuck off.
“Do you know how hard that was for me not to tell her that…”
As Channel continues to talk, I fall back to sleep, unable to keep up with the conversation.
What feels like thirty minutes later, my shoulder is being shaken roughly and it makes me feel like I’m going to throw up. My head still hurts and I’m sure I look like shit, but Channel stands over me regardless with a bottle of water in her hand offering it to me.
“What?” My voice croaks out from my throat. I sound as disgusting as I feel.
“Get up we have to go to the store. I need to get food.”
I roll my eyes at her before I take the water bottle and open it. Taking small sips, brings minor relief to my throat, but I still don't feel good and going to the store is the last thing on my list. I lie back down pulling the covers back over me before I close my eyes again.
“You go, I’m staying here.”
“Reagan get the fuck up! You’re not staying here to wallow in self pity!”
Channel snarls at me taking me completely off guard. and when I look at her, her eyes are red as if she has barely had any sleep. As I search the room around me and find the clock, I quickly find out that it's just past five o'clock in the afternoon and I've been asleep for over thirteen hours.I immediately feel bad. I know I’ve been a lot to handle just over the past twenty four hours alone. The least I can do is go with her to the fucking grocery store, especially if she's been awake as long as I think she has because of me.
“Fine. Can you give me my phone please?” I ask her meekly not wanting to upset her anymore than I already have and she hands me the tiny device. I could have sworn she was looking at me as if she was trying to feign an attitude, but I’m sure that my judgement is off right now.
My fingers dial Harry’s number again, but this time I only get his voicemail. I don’t want to fall apart in front of Channel again so instead I turn her radio on blast in her tiny black Eclipse to quiet my mind and put on my sunglasses to hide the way that my eyes water.
Channel and I ride in silence, but she passes the stores making me look at her in confusion.
“I think you took a wrong turn.”
“We're not going to the store. I lied.” She says blatantly, keeping her eyes on the road as she goes on to the expressway.
“Then where are we going?”
“I’m takin you to the doctor, so you can know for sure.”
My eyebrows furrow at her and I immediately become annoyed. She didn’t even give me the chance to shower before she rushed me out of the house.
“Channel, what the fuck?! Turn the car around! I’m not going to the doctor right now!”
“No...you’re not.”
“Then what are you talking about?! I don’t feel like playing games! I’m not in the mood for this shit!”
Channel smiles and starts to laugh as I yell at her.
“Pay attention to the road Rea-Tard. Where are we? Where am I taking you?”
As my eyes snap off of Channel and back to the highway in front of me, my throat goes dry and I can feel my heart speed up in my chest as we turn into the pick-up entry way at LAX airport.
Notes
Hi beauties! I have and update for you and AHH I was so excited to write it! Sorry about any grammatical errors. I'll go in and edit and tweak things tomorrow, I just wanted to get this up tonight. What did you all think? We haven't had just one persons POV in a while. I cant wait to read the comments on this chapter so please overflow my comments section as you've all been doing! I love it when I see comments from people who have A) not left me a comment in a while or B) has never commented at all and C) Those who comment regularly (I love you!) I've gotten a lot of that so Thank you guys! You all make my day! As Always I LOVE YOU ALL FOR READING! AND PLEASE COMMENT VOTE AND SUBSCRIBE IF YOU ARE READING AND ENJOYING AND HAVEN'T DONE SO YET (it only takes a second and its really inspiring I promise! :D )~Xx
@XOXOH
Hi there lovely, I am a big fan of your books and you don't know how happy I am to see you back here. I LOVE THIS TRIOLOGY so dam much......so let me get this straight....you are not updating this story anymore on here? You are only going to continue this story on wattpad?? .....despite what decision you make I will be waiting for you because I want to know what will HAPPEN ....sorry I am weird xxx
8/22/15