When our war is over

I woke up this morning by the feeling of your heartbeat under my finger. It felt so real and I think I cried for like over half an hour as I realised it had been nothing else than a dream. A happy one though these are rare at the moment. God, I wish I could tell you how much I miss sleeping next to you, just knowing you were here with me. My bed feels empty and I freeze like all the time and oh Lord...what would I give to have you here with me right now. My Mum said yesterday that missing someone is something good because it means you care for them so much that you want them back, but all I replied was that it sucks which was rude I know. Dad had not been home for over two weeks, but at least he can call us and let us know that he is okay. Until your letter arrives I have no proof. All the time I live in fear it is like one of the most normal things in my life right now. When I wake up, fear. When I get a shower, fear. Having dinner, fear and going back to bed, fear. Even when I visit the toilet it is still deep in my bones. Fear, fear, fear. Mum suggested that it would help me to just write down what exactly I miss about you and I tried. The list got way too long, so I decided to go with just some parts for now.

1. I miss your voice. Listening to the way your words always go up a little bit in the end and the way it sounded so differently whenever you started to sing
2. I miss your smile because it had been always the best thing to cheer me up, whenever I was sad. Now I am sad and your smile is nowhere to be seen
3. I miss the way you do the laundry. It had always been way too much washing powder and you smelt like a meadow in full bloom and sometimes even a little bit like an old lady, but that was more than just okay
4. I miss your shirts, laying around here so I could just snuggle into one of them and waste a complete day of my weekend to sit around in it and read
5. I miss your kisses. There is actually no explaining to do
6. Sex. God damn it I know this is probably our smallest problem right now, but I miss your body being as close as it could to mine
7. I miss the way you always addressed my Dad with Sir. Just because it was like the cutest thing ever and I melted inside as you did it for the first time
8. Your hands, putting mine into them – I am lonely Liam, really lonely lately

I decided to keep on continuing them and let me tell you the list goes longer and longer so you really have to stay alive to be able to read all of them because this is a hell of work and I do not want to do this all for no reason, so please just stay alive. Thank you. Jess and her mother moved in with us last week because our Dad´s are gone so often – it is just like the governor himself wants to see them and hear their opinion. Jess is going on my nerves likes usual, but it feels like a really long sleepover we had when we were younger. Summer holidays always had been like a huge sleepover and our mother´s just brought new clothes now and then. Actually I think I am happy they are here, somehow it heels my loneliness a little bit. But Liam...things go worse here. Food gets rare and my Mum has a gun now too as if it would not be enough that Dad carries his around with him twenty-four hours a day, no my Mum has one now too. Dad´s normal sentence is when he leaves the house: “Stay safe and do not leave the house, if it is not necessary”, like we could get shot out there any minute. I do not think he thinks about your position when he says it, but I do. This war is just about to get worse and I do not know how long I can take it any more. A year is such a long time and I think this world is already tired of it, but that does not care because we do not care in this world. I wish you were here and I wish I could kiss you right now.

Love you endlessly
Faye

Faye,

I got your letter today and your date tells me it has been over two weeks already since you wrote it. I am sorry I could not tell you earlier that I am fine. One year is such a long time and it is even more when all you do is sit around and do nothing. Wait, wait, wait. That is all that follows me through my day and of course the fear of you not being safe. Do not be sad about your imaginations of me because yesterday I would have sworn that I heard your laughter in the canteen. It was one of these embarrassed, stop making me compliments laugh I knew right from the first day we met. God, you looked so beautiful in these skinny jeans and I just had the urge to tell you, but I did not wanted to mess this whole thing up, so I just shut up about it. Therefore I am going to write you know, better late than never I guess. You looked absolutely stunning Faye, prettier than any other girl I had seen before. Your Mum seems to go through a rough time too do not be too hard on her, you both miss your Dad and that is totally normal. Your list of things you miss about me made me cry. I know I am a guy and I should not cry, but believe me that had been happy tears because you are the best person I know. To give you something back I decided to do one as well.

1. Miss your long hair which tickled my noise so many times I could not count them any more, but whatever you do please just keep it that way
2. I miss your freckles because they made you look so freaking cute that sometimes I had to make sure you are for real
3. The way you bite your lip whenever you get nervous
4. I miss the insane action of pulling the cheese topping down from your pizza – I mean how stupid is that since the cheese is actually the best part?
5. Waiting for you at the beach when you came back from your run, all sweaty and out of breath and sitting in the cold sand while talking about the most random things
6. Your small tiny body who is cuddled into mine every night because I feel pretty alone in the night too
7. I miss your smell
8. And to be honest of course I miss our sex as well and I do not think there is anything wrong about craving each other

I wish I could be there for you and protect you from all of it. Just look the two of us in your room and stay there until this war is over. But it is not and I do not know, if it will be any time soon. I am honest with you because I know how much you hate it if I lie and I think you deserve my true opinion. But we both know that some many things are not figured out yet and I feel like they just need a lot more deaths and bombs to be figured out and until then I fear I cannot come home to you. Even though there had never been anything else which I wanted more. I love you so much it hurts me Faye and I wish I could kiss you too.

I am in love with you, badly

Liam

Notes