“So how are things going, bro?” Louis asks. It’s the first time I’ve seen him, or anyone other than Chloe and my mum, since before the… incident.

I laugh at his question. “Look around, Lou. I’ve been living in this place for three weeks now and it sucks.”

“Well besides the depressing rooms, how are you doing?” His question holds a hint of humor, but he and I both know he is really curious. He’s wondering if I’m still thinking about killing myself, he’s wondering if I’m crazy.

Everyone asks me that question, how are you doing? I never know how to answer. I’m better; much better in fact. I never thought I had a ‘problem’ before coming in here and talking to all of the therapists and doctors, but now I see where I’ve gone wrong in the past months. I feel guilty for how I acted towards Chloe. I know she blames herself for what I did, and I also feel guilty for that.

But I’m better now, and that’s the truth. However, I still feel anxious, I’m still itching to get out of this nut house and return to my normal life. Chloe had broken up with me when I moved in here, telling me I should focus on myself, and I suppose it helped. But I still think about her every minute of the day. My thoughts are less severe, and the therapy has helped with my dependency on her, but I need to get back to her and prove that I’ve changed; that I’m ready to be the guy she deserves.

“Better,” I reply simply and honestly. I begin speaking again, but stop myself and shake my head.

“What?” Louis asks.

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, man.” Louis knows I’ve got something on my mind.

“It’s just a little embarrassing,” I shake my head, dismissing the thought.

“What is?”

“That I’m here. That I have to be in rehab after I tried to kill myself because my girlfriend left me.”

“Harry…”

“No, I know that’s what everyone thinks. I’m pathetic. I know that.”

“No one thinks that, Haz. You had a moment of weakness, and you’re getting help. Everyone is just glad you’re okay and getting help. Trust me, no one thinks you’re pathetic. So you need to stop thinking that about yourself.”

I nod my head, pretending to agree with him, but really, I just want to stop talking about it. He’s right, I’m not pathetic, but I’m still sick. I’ve tried to kill myself when things got too hard; I’m weak. Louis’ right again when he says all that matters is that I’m getting help, and I can’t argue with that. Even I have seen progress in myself. I know the reason I’m in here is ultimately Chloe (because of my dependency on her), but I feel the only thing that will help me the most is getting out of here and proving to her that we can be together without me being obsessive or controlling.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but what are you gonna do about school?” Louis breaks me from my thoughts. “You’ve missed over a month… Are you still gonna graduate on time?”

I groan just thinking about it. “Nah, but they’re letting me finish up my credits online so I can still go to college next year.”

“That’s good. Kind of a drag though,” he laughs. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that..”

“It’s fine, Lou. I know. This whole situation is fucked up, and I know that. I’m just trying to get out of this place and get back to my life.”

“Well good for you, man. You’re different now, you know that? In a good way obviously. I mean, we all noticed you changed when Chloe moved here, and even though it landed you in here, I think it was a good change. When things were good with you guys, you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you. Get back to that man, don’t let her get away. Just because things got bad and it came down to this, doesn’t mean you can’t get back to the good. I’m rooting for ya, Haz, we all are.”

My heart clenches at Louis’ words. God, I’ve become an emotional son of a bitch since being here. “Thanks Louis… I appreciate that, and I’m trying, I really am.” My eyes drift over to the clock hanging on the wall.

“Well that’s all I can ask then, that you’re working on yourself… Is everything all right?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, sorry.”

Louis eyes me as I begin to pick at the skin around my nails. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” I shake my head. Louis gives me the I-know-that’s-bullshit look. “Chloe’s usually here everyday before five… It’s already 5:30.”

“Maybe she got caught up in school work or something, Haz, don’t sweat it.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“Well, I should get going anyway. I don’t want to interrupt your Chloe time.” He grins.

“It’s not like that,” I snap. “We’re just friends right now,” As much as that kills me.

“I know, chill. Things will work out, bro. Just give it time.”



I walk Louis out and wait by the doors for an hour after he leaves, hoping that Chloe is just late. By seven, I decide she’s not coming and head back up to my cold, lonely room. God I miss the nights of sharing a bed with her.


I pull out my journal, well the black composition notebook that they gave me to write down my feelings in each day, and write to Chloe. I know she’ll never see it, but it helps to let it out. I tell her how I’m doing better, how I can’t wait to see her again, how much I miss the way things used to be… I tell her I’m sorry for the way things happened… I tell her not to blame herself for any of it.

I tell her I love her. I tell her that I’ve never stopped; that I never will.

---

One week later...

A week has passed since Chloe last visited. I didn’t ask my mum where she had been, because I’ve been trying to be reasonable. Her coming each day was more than I could ask for, so I shouldn’t complain. She probably just got busy with school.

Or moved on with her life, I think to myself.

The thought makes me want to punch a wall, but I take a deep breath, like Dr. Nelson taught me to do in these moments, and think of something else.

I decide I’ll ask my mum when she comes today. I’m not being obsessive; I’ve given her space for an entire week, and it’s okay for me to just ask. I just want to know.

I make my bed, trying to fill the endless amount of time I have, and then end up sitting by the window and writing some more. When they gave me the journal, I laughed to myself, just thinking of me writing in a journal. Turns out, it’s been the best way for me to cope with things. I write down everything and anything. It’s mostly about or for Chloe, but it helps. I most always feel better after writing.

Today, I write down one of my favorite memories I have with Chloe.



“What are the flowers for?” Chloe frowned.

I set the vase of a thirteen white roses, with a hint of pink on the tips down in front of her on the desk. “My girlfriend. You haven’t seen her, have you?”

“You have a girlfriend?” She played along. “Who would date you? Those tattoos are enough to run any girl away.” Her sexy smirk did bad things to me.

“You love my tattoos,” I whisper and pull her to my chest.

“Too bad, you have a girlfriend already,” Chloe feigns disappointment.

“Yeah, but she’s kind of a bitch,” I tease.

“I am not!” She laughs.

“No, but you are beautiful,” my voice turns serious on me. “And I love you. Happy Tuesday, baby.”

“Happy Tuesday? That’s what the flowers are for?” She laughs and pulls away from me to smell the roses. She looks back at me and I nod. “I love them, Harry. Thank you.”

She turns back to me and wraps her arms around my neck while she kisses me. “I’ve never seen roses like these. They’re beautiful.”

I smile, and hand her the note I’ve written her. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but watching her sleep and waking up to her beautiful self this morning did something to me.

In Literature today, I was flipping through the textbook while the teacher was reading Kafka’s Metamorphosis. I found a poem, and it inspired me. So I wrote Chloe a note:

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.

But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

I love falling asleep next to you every night. I love waking up next to you every morning. I laugh your laugh. I love your smile. I love the freckle behind your left ear. I love your long, soft hair. I love the way your nose crinkles when you frown, and the way your brown eyes turn hazel in the sunlight. I love your strength and your confidence. I love you.

Love, your Harry x
Chloe looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Please tell me those are happy tears,” I asked.

All she could do was nod before she wrapped her small arms around me. “I love it, Harry. And I love you. You’re amazing.”

“I know,” I tease. “I love you too, Chloe.”



Later that day, my mum came to visit. The conversation was always light when my mum came around; she never wanted to upset me or put my spirit down. She was good at giving me a positive attitude, and gave me hope.

Today, we ate lunch together and she talked about what was going on with her work. I found my mind drifting as she was talking about one of her colleagues having an affair with the boss, and hadn’t even realized I cut her off until I finished asking the question, “Why hasn’t Chloe come since last week?”

Mum must’ve sensed it was really bothering me, because she didn’t call me out for cutting her off. “Honestly, I don’t know. She’s been out a lot, doing homework. I think she likes getting out of the house. I thought she was still visiting you though. I’ll ask her tonight, if you want.”

“No,” I blurt out. “I just wanted to know if she was okay.”

I can’t let her think that I need her here everyday. I mean, yeah, it sucks not seeing her, but I need to show her I can give her space. I need to show the doctors that too.

“Well she is okay. As far as I know, at least. She’s been pretty quiet, keeping to herself, but I think it’s just because of everything going on.”

I nod. Half the time I feel like she’s going through more than I am, and I’m the one in the nut house.




Later that day, my mum walks me to my room. I open the drawer to my nightstand and pull out the cream colored rose with a hint of pink on the tips that I asked on of the nurses to get for me.

“Uh, can you give this to Chloe for me?”

My mum looked at the rose in my and then back at me. She gave me a knowing look. “Sure,” she nodded and smiled sadly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Harry. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Notes

Sorry for this short filler chapter, but I'm meeting Little Mix today (ahhhhhh :D) so I didn't have much time to write. I'll probably be updating next on Wednesday because the Demi concert is tomorrow night, but I'll promise to make it long :)

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