Just some Imagines

Christmas time was always my favourite time. You could spend time with the one's you love and just be happy. Unless you have someone who still wants to be around you. I once had someone and I thought I couldn't be happier. He dragged me out of the darkness whenever I needed to be rescued. Until this one time; this one time where no one could help me anymore. I was a wreck and he tried so hard, and even if it only was for our daughter, but he tried and I didn't let him. I first realised that I lost both when he moved out and took our daughter with her. He told me that he won't come back until I changed, until I let someone help me. Now, three years after they left me, I stand in front of their door, afraid of what is waiting for me behind those closed doors. I just have to ring this bell and hope they're at home. What if he won't recognize me? What if he won't believe me? What if he won't let me see her? It's been three years; she doesn't even know anymore who I am but he does and I know he will recognize me. Even if he has someone else - He can't deny that he once was in love with me. Our daughter is the proof for our once so strong love. I let out a deep breath and press my finger against the button to ring the bell of this beautiful, little but peaceful house. Seconds later the door opens and I stare directly in his face. Emerald green eyes widening when he sees me, his fingers run through the still curly mess that I loved to play around with when we cuddled. "Hello Harry" I breathe, clenching my hands into fist. "You cannot just come over, Chai" He greets me back and I feel like someone slapped me. His words hurt although I know why he said them, "You should have called" "I'm sorry. I was just- I saw your house and I thought I could- I don't know why I'm even here" Harry leans against the door frame, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He still looks as handsome as three years ago. Even though he looks tired he seems to be happy and this hurts. Because he is happy without me. "I wanted to see her" I tell him and Harry stiffens.
He clearly is still as protective as he was the years before.
"I don't think today's a good time for it" Harry presses, "I don't wanna ruin her christmas"
Ruin - this word hurt a lot.
"Did she ever ask where her mother is?"
"Yes, always"
"Why can I not see her then?"
"Because I don't know if you have changed"
"Look at me, look me in the eyes and tell me if you see the same woman as you saw three years ago" I demand and point at my fingers. Harry presses his beautiful lips into a thin line, raising his chest, flexing his muscles. But he looks at me, really looks at me. I can see that he is searching for the once broken and depressive woman I was and I also can see that he can't find her.
"Come in" Harry says and takes a step to the side. I can see her sitting on the floor with her new toys that santa brought her. I didn't even speak to her but I already feel tears in my eyes. Harry stands right behind me, observing every move I do. My daughter turns around and looks at me. A light flashes in her eyes, a wide smile appears on her lips. Even she is happy without me.
"You're my mommy!" She yells happily and I'm shocked. How does she know? She was so young when they left. I don't know what to respond to that. I don't wanna say something that Harry doesn't like.
"I know you are because you look like the woman on the photo Daddy has in his bedroom! And Daddy always said Mommy is the most beautiful woman in the world and you are!" She sounds so happy, I just wanna break down in tears. I turn my head and look at Harry for help who blushes a bit.
"Yes that's your mother" Harry mumbles and a wave of happiness fills my body. I'm still her mother in his eyes. I kneel down in front of her and put my hands on her shoulders, looking at her.
"You're so big" I state under tears and take in every detail of her young beauty. She has my eyes but Harry's smile. His curls but my hair colour. His nose but my freckles. She is perfect.
"I'm actually really small!" She tells me shocked. She puts both her hands on her cheek, "I'm even the smallest kid in my class! Ask Daddy, I'm the smallest!"
"But you're big to me" I say and give her little but risky kiss on the cheek. As I thought Harry immediately is to next to me. "I think that was enough for today" Harry instructs and I sigh, wishing I could spend more time with them, not only him. Without a goodbye we walk toward the front door.
"Thank you for letting me see her" I whisper and Harry nods, his arms still crossed in front of his chest.
"No problem but next time call before you just come around"
I see the expression in his eyes starts to soften the longer he looks at me whereupon I just nod.
"I'm sorry, Harry," I start without giving my words a second thought, "I'm so sorry for everything that happened. I should have listened to you but I was stupid and I didn't realize that I could lose the two of you with my actions and I changed! I tried for her and for you because you two were, no you both still are, everything to me. I'm so sorry that I ruined it."
"How is it going? I mean the deprivation?"
"I didn't touch alcohol or anything like that for one year now. I'm clean, Harry"
"I hope you don't expect me to welcome you with open arms now," Harry says and my hopes and dreams crush down,"You messed up too much and I don't want our daughter hurt and I can't handle you in this situation again. I didn't stop loving you, honestly, you were constantly on my mind but I lost my trust in you. You said too many times sorry, you said too many times everything is going to better"
"I told you I'm clean now"
"And I believe that but I'm afraid it will happen again"
"It Messed up pers-"
"You know, I loved the person you were before all this craziness , I loved you during it and I still love you after all and," Harry comes closer and cups my cheeks and presses our foreheads together, "I won't stop loving you. But I need time to see that you really have changed. I can't go through this hell with you a second time"
I nod and try to leave but he stops me, kissing my forehead. I enjoy his kiss, I let the word sink into my heart.
"You better leave now"
And I do but this time with hope.

Notes