The Story of My Life
Strong
I hate funerals, I think to myself as we pile into the car. I mean, it’s not like I need another thing to get all depressed about, right? A tear trickles down my face as I remember all the things we shared, from every laugh to every teardrop. In his living days, I thought of him as the pillar that somehow held me up when I was down. There were times when I was in such a deep depression that I could think of nothing else but suicidal thoughts.
He would hold me in his arms as I cried and he’d whisper thoughtful words as I cursed myself to the pits of hell. I know it’s wrong to depend on someone for happiness, but Liam gave me a gift that no one else could give: unconditional friendship. I was broken by my depressing past, however, in the almost 4 years that I had known him, he had somehow managed to piece together my shattered insides. He was the reason why I was the Niall Horan that everyone knew, cheerful, bubbly and forever laughing. He was the reason why I could hold together all my emotions, no matter how many times they disturbed me. Most importantly, he was the reason why I was still alive. If Liam hadn’t come, there probably would be no Niall Horan. I wouldn’t be on any magazine or even newspaper. Nobody would know me as the blonde Irish guy who would always laugh. If anyone were to know me as anybody, they would probably know me as the guy who killed himself because I definitely wouldn’t have made it this far alone. Some mean Twitter comment might trigger an overflow of emotion in me or perhaps I wouldn’t even have made it to fame. I probably would have been so depressed about not winning the contest, because I am so particular about things like that. I cried so hard when we lost and I was out in the balcony, trying to hide myself from the entire human population. I wanted to be alone, just like every time I got depressed.
However, an arm around me, patting my back, soon startled me. I whirled around and found Liam standing next to me. I have to admit, I was rather surprised to see him. Back then, I thought of him as one of the introverts of the group, next to Zayn, who was dead scared of the stage and dancing. He was generally quiet and reserved, though I detected a little bit of a daddy in him. Never did I think that he would sit with me and comfort me in my depression, but there he was. He just sat there hugging me and I let him stay, which I hardly ever did when I was depressed. To be honest, I never knew exactly why I let him stay, perhaps I was too tired to shoo him away. I guess he thought that I was okay with him being there, it’s just that I was insecure about my tears around others, so he just kept on going to me and putting his arm around me like that. We’d have a bit of a small talk when I was feeling a bit better, but he mostly just held me and comforted me. I found myself warming up to him, even loving the fact that he was so sensitive. On regular days, he treated me the same way as he treated everyone else, joking about and laughing about all sorts of things. However, he knew when I was down and he was always there to make me feel better. He gave me his love and compassion, and that was what made me strong. I didn’t want him to leave… it should’ve been me.
It should’ve been me chasing Louis down the road, trying to get his tie in a decent position. It should’ve been me who saw the car heading towards the oblivious Louis. It should’ve been me who got hit twice by the same car, resulting in heavy physical damage and eventually, death. Liam was too good, too pure to die like this. He was too radiant to be caged under the dark earth, incased in a wooden coffin. He doesn’t deserve this. I’m the one who deserves to die. I’m depressed and bombarded with one too many sensitive spots. I cry easily, because my horrific past haunts me in my sleep. I’m cold and dark, just like the earth. Tears stream down my face as I exit the car; we have arrived at our destination.
There are too many people, most of them who neither Liam nor I know. They are random fans, snapping pictures of everything and hugging all of us. I look away from the cameras, not wanting everyone to see my tears. As we enter, I see a curly haired girl wearing a little black dress sitting alone. I run over to her.
“Selena! You’re here!” I sit next to her.
“I wanted to see Liam one last time and introduce myself. I never officially introduced myself to him, y’know.”
“I know.” I hope she can’t see my teary eyes now. “I miss him.”
“I think all of us do.” Her voice chokes up a little. She’s crying now.
It saddens me even more that there’s no one to hold me and wait for my sobs to subside. No one will make me feel like I’m actually worth something with whispered words of friendship. Most of all, no one will be able to pick up the broken pieces and make me whole again. In fact, if anything, I feel more broken then ever now.
I put my arm around her cautiously, afraid that she may somehow lash out. However, she takes my hand and clasps her fingers into mine, occasionally squeezing my hand. She seems to be comforted by my gesture.
“Thanks Niall, I need someone to hold,” she whispers. I smile and she returns the smile. Someone is now at the podium, saying stuff about how Liam was a great son and how he pushed himself to follow his dream and all that stuff. This must be Liam’s father, I think to myself. Suddenly, he singles me out from the crowd.
“Liam said that he was the closest to Niall. Would you like to say a word to Liam, Niall?” I nod, taking my place at the podium.
“Liam,” I say, quietly. “I miss you so much bro! I feel so sad right now because you are lying there in the coffin, so cold, so lifeless. I get a creepy feeling every time I look into the coffin because you weren't THAT lifeless. You were quiet, but you had your own life. You cared for me in ways no one could, I owe you my life, Liam!” I break down sobbing and can say almost nothing. “You may not realize this, Liam, but you’re the reason why I was so happy. I’m crying now because I don’t know how to piece together my heart. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong, that you make me strong?”
I run out of the funeral parlor and into the garden as I feel myself blush a violent shade of red. I am not only embarrassed by my tears, which are flowing freely, I am also embarrassed that I have just let the entire world see right through me. Alone in the flower garden, I allow myself to fall apart as I remove my shoes and dip my feet into the nearby river. I close my eyes and tears stream down my face. Suddenly, I hear a feminine, Irish-accented voice nearby.
“It’s okay to cry, Niall,” the voice reassures me.
“I’ve never fallen apart like this in front of the entire human population! Not everyone is as accepting of my emotions as Liam was, you know.”
“I know, Niall, I know.” I feel a hand on my back as this person tries to comfort me. I open my eyes and see the reflection of a curly-haired brunette in the river.
"Selena," I say softly, turning to face her. There's something about the way her evergreen eyes sparkle that make her even more beautiful in her sadness. I let out a sniffle, remembering the one other person who had eyes exactly like that, only chocolate brown in color. I remember the last time he cried, which was the day before he passed away.
I hate my memory. Sure, it's good for memorizing song lyrics, guitar chords and transitions, but it remembers the wrong things at the wrong time. While I am usually happy to remember the moments I spent with Liam Payne, right now I feel as if I'll just break down if I hear even just his name. All the memories, even the good ones, will only make me depressed.
The ride home is a silent one. Nobody, not even Louis, is in the mood to joke around. Louis is driving, which is not usually the best option on a regular basis. However, he seems to be the one who's the most tolerant of the given conditions and the least likely to break down, so he's driving. We don't want to risk any accidents.
When we arrive at home, it's not even 8 PM, but I feel so drained. As I enter my room, I can only wish that this was all a dream. But it isn't. Liam's gone now and there's no bringing him back. Stay strong Niall, stay strong... His last words are dancing around in my head like little snowflakes in a snow globe.
Liam hated it when I cried. He never said so, but it was all in his eyes. He could feel my pain and he didn't want me to feel pain, which was probably why he said those last words. I know it would be the most logical thing to do if I follow Liam's advice to stay strong. The thing is, how can I be strong if the one thing that made me strong is gone? He never knew that the only reason why I could bear the pain was because of him!
"I'd stay strong for you if I could," I find myself saying. "I'd try to laugh my tears away and be happy, for the sake of the fans. I could put aside my own feelings if I could forget... just for one second." I dig in my luggage and pull out my swiss knife. Suddenly, the door opens and I feel the swiss knife being taken away from me.
He would hold me in his arms as I cried and he’d whisper thoughtful words as I cursed myself to the pits of hell. I know it’s wrong to depend on someone for happiness, but Liam gave me a gift that no one else could give: unconditional friendship. I was broken by my depressing past, however, in the almost 4 years that I had known him, he had somehow managed to piece together my shattered insides. He was the reason why I was the Niall Horan that everyone knew, cheerful, bubbly and forever laughing. He was the reason why I could hold together all my emotions, no matter how many times they disturbed me. Most importantly, he was the reason why I was still alive. If Liam hadn’t come, there probably would be no Niall Horan. I wouldn’t be on any magazine or even newspaper. Nobody would know me as the blonde Irish guy who would always laugh. If anyone were to know me as anybody, they would probably know me as the guy who killed himself because I definitely wouldn’t have made it this far alone. Some mean Twitter comment might trigger an overflow of emotion in me or perhaps I wouldn’t even have made it to fame. I probably would have been so depressed about not winning the contest, because I am so particular about things like that. I cried so hard when we lost and I was out in the balcony, trying to hide myself from the entire human population. I wanted to be alone, just like every time I got depressed.
However, an arm around me, patting my back, soon startled me. I whirled around and found Liam standing next to me. I have to admit, I was rather surprised to see him. Back then, I thought of him as one of the introverts of the group, next to Zayn, who was dead scared of the stage and dancing. He was generally quiet and reserved, though I detected a little bit of a daddy in him. Never did I think that he would sit with me and comfort me in my depression, but there he was. He just sat there hugging me and I let him stay, which I hardly ever did when I was depressed. To be honest, I never knew exactly why I let him stay, perhaps I was too tired to shoo him away. I guess he thought that I was okay with him being there, it’s just that I was insecure about my tears around others, so he just kept on going to me and putting his arm around me like that. We’d have a bit of a small talk when I was feeling a bit better, but he mostly just held me and comforted me. I found myself warming up to him, even loving the fact that he was so sensitive. On regular days, he treated me the same way as he treated everyone else, joking about and laughing about all sorts of things. However, he knew when I was down and he was always there to make me feel better. He gave me his love and compassion, and that was what made me strong. I didn’t want him to leave… it should’ve been me.
It should’ve been me chasing Louis down the road, trying to get his tie in a decent position. It should’ve been me who saw the car heading towards the oblivious Louis. It should’ve been me who got hit twice by the same car, resulting in heavy physical damage and eventually, death. Liam was too good, too pure to die like this. He was too radiant to be caged under the dark earth, incased in a wooden coffin. He doesn’t deserve this. I’m the one who deserves to die. I’m depressed and bombarded with one too many sensitive spots. I cry easily, because my horrific past haunts me in my sleep. I’m cold and dark, just like the earth. Tears stream down my face as I exit the car; we have arrived at our destination.
There are too many people, most of them who neither Liam nor I know. They are random fans, snapping pictures of everything and hugging all of us. I look away from the cameras, not wanting everyone to see my tears. As we enter, I see a curly haired girl wearing a little black dress sitting alone. I run over to her.
“Selena! You’re here!” I sit next to her.
“I wanted to see Liam one last time and introduce myself. I never officially introduced myself to him, y’know.”
“I know.” I hope she can’t see my teary eyes now. “I miss him.”
“I think all of us do.” Her voice chokes up a little. She’s crying now.
It saddens me even more that there’s no one to hold me and wait for my sobs to subside. No one will make me feel like I’m actually worth something with whispered words of friendship. Most of all, no one will be able to pick up the broken pieces and make me whole again. In fact, if anything, I feel more broken then ever now.
I put my arm around her cautiously, afraid that she may somehow lash out. However, she takes my hand and clasps her fingers into mine, occasionally squeezing my hand. She seems to be comforted by my gesture.
“Thanks Niall, I need someone to hold,” she whispers. I smile and she returns the smile. Someone is now at the podium, saying stuff about how Liam was a great son and how he pushed himself to follow his dream and all that stuff. This must be Liam’s father, I think to myself. Suddenly, he singles me out from the crowd.
“Liam said that he was the closest to Niall. Would you like to say a word to Liam, Niall?” I nod, taking my place at the podium.
“Liam,” I say, quietly. “I miss you so much bro! I feel so sad right now because you are lying there in the coffin, so cold, so lifeless. I get a creepy feeling every time I look into the coffin because you weren't THAT lifeless. You were quiet, but you had your own life. You cared for me in ways no one could, I owe you my life, Liam!” I break down sobbing and can say almost nothing. “You may not realize this, Liam, but you’re the reason why I was so happy. I’m crying now because I don’t know how to piece together my heart. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong, that you make me strong?”
I run out of the funeral parlor and into the garden as I feel myself blush a violent shade of red. I am not only embarrassed by my tears, which are flowing freely, I am also embarrassed that I have just let the entire world see right through me. Alone in the flower garden, I allow myself to fall apart as I remove my shoes and dip my feet into the nearby river. I close my eyes and tears stream down my face. Suddenly, I hear a feminine, Irish-accented voice nearby.
“It’s okay to cry, Niall,” the voice reassures me.
“I’ve never fallen apart like this in front of the entire human population! Not everyone is as accepting of my emotions as Liam was, you know.”
“I know, Niall, I know.” I feel a hand on my back as this person tries to comfort me. I open my eyes and see the reflection of a curly-haired brunette in the river.
"Selena," I say softly, turning to face her. There's something about the way her evergreen eyes sparkle that make her even more beautiful in her sadness. I let out a sniffle, remembering the one other person who had eyes exactly like that, only chocolate brown in color. I remember the last time he cried, which was the day before he passed away.
I hate my memory. Sure, it's good for memorizing song lyrics, guitar chords and transitions, but it remembers the wrong things at the wrong time. While I am usually happy to remember the moments I spent with Liam Payne, right now I feel as if I'll just break down if I hear even just his name. All the memories, even the good ones, will only make me depressed.
The ride home is a silent one. Nobody, not even Louis, is in the mood to joke around. Louis is driving, which is not usually the best option on a regular basis. However, he seems to be the one who's the most tolerant of the given conditions and the least likely to break down, so he's driving. We don't want to risk any accidents.
When we arrive at home, it's not even 8 PM, but I feel so drained. As I enter my room, I can only wish that this was all a dream. But it isn't. Liam's gone now and there's no bringing him back. Stay strong Niall, stay strong... His last words are dancing around in my head like little snowflakes in a snow globe.
Liam hated it when I cried. He never said so, but it was all in his eyes. He could feel my pain and he didn't want me to feel pain, which was probably why he said those last words. I know it would be the most logical thing to do if I follow Liam's advice to stay strong. The thing is, how can I be strong if the one thing that made me strong is gone? He never knew that the only reason why I could bear the pain was because of him!
"I'd stay strong for you if I could," I find myself saying. "I'd try to laugh my tears away and be happy, for the sake of the fans. I could put aside my own feelings if I could forget... just for one second." I dig in my luggage and pull out my swiss knife. Suddenly, the door opens and I feel the swiss knife being taken away from me.
Notes
Oh Nando's... :(
Oh, BTW, I'm collaborating with someone on this story so maybe I should let you know who this is. In this case, Topaz! XD
I forgot to check the "completed" box, but it's over :(
Had a fun time writing it and I hope you all enjoyed it~
4/21/14