Clarity

Cheat on Harry, don't cheat on Harry.
Cheat on Harry, don't cheat on Harry.
Cheat on Harry, don't cheat on Harry.
Cheat on Harry, don't cheat on Harry.
I for one had never been a person that cheated in a relationship, but at this point I was stumped. Just at the thought of having sex with Gemma I felt my stomach twist, and chest ache. I only wanted Harry to touch me. I only wanted Harry to kiss me.
I only wanted Harry, but I was afraid if I didn't try to protect him then he'd go from stable to unstable. Just knowing that he cut himself today, put another wound on his body, made another future scar, made me want to cry.
Taking deep breaths I sat down against the wall outside his room, I listened to the stream of the shower as I tortured myself with a multitude of debates.
I didn't want to join Harry's list of boyfriends that cheated on Gemma, I didn't want to join his list of ex's, yet I wanted to keep his heart safe from another cruel word. If I had only known about Gemma sooner, if only he had told me.
Then maybe this mess could've been prevented before it started.
I mean, was it worth it? Was it worth damaging his trust in me, and possibly loosing him? Just the thought of not having Harry hug me ever again made me sick, also not to mention if he found out he would probably do much worse then cut himself.
Much worse.
With that thought passing by I decided it wasn't worth it, I would have to find another way to keep Gemma off his back, I couldn't risk loosing my Harry. I loved Harry to much to do something like that. I would have to think of something else, that was my final choice. I wsn't going to make any deal with Gemma that involved me cheating.
I was actually starting to feel sick at the thought I had considered it for a moment there. Yet my love won out in the end.
Wiping at my eyes to rid them of unshed tears, I stood up, and walked into Harry's room in hopes of joining him in his shower to relax, and rid my mind of the guilt that was now swirling in my heart. "Harry?" I called out, knocking on the bathroom door.
"Yes Little Louis?" Harry called back, turning down the water pressure to make his voice more clear. "Is there room for one more?" I asked, opening the door a crack and poking my head in.
"There always is my love." He said, meaning yes in a literal phrase, and he turned the water pressure back up. "Okay, then move over." I said, walking into the bathroom, and shutting the door behind me before stripping off.
About a month ago I would've been highly uncomfortable stepping into a shower naked with Harry, but now it didn't phase me in the slightest. I guess you just get use to these things. Once I was completely nude, I pulled back the shower curtain a bit and stepped in.
"Hey baby." I sighed, and Harry smiled as he brushed some wet curls out of his face and held open his arms. "Shower hug?" He asked, and I nodded as I enclosed the last couple of steps between us, and wrapped my arms around his waist as he wrapped his arms around me.
"Your so cute." Harry said, running his fingers through my hair as the shower water started to stream down on us, and instantly I felt my body began to relax as I smiled.
"Thank you. I'd like to think so." I say, then pressed my lips to the scar on his chest, the mark looking more glossy under the water. "So beautiful." I whisper against it, meaning it. The scar, in a weird way, was beautiful because it showed how much of a survivor Harry was.
It showed how strong he was, even though I knew my love would beg to differ . Harry was truely in some sense a hero, rolemodel, all that good stuff.
"So perfect, truthful, loyal and absolutely lovely. You have stolen my heart." Harry whispered, kissing my head, and I felt my guilt impale me. If I had taken that deal all those good things Harry thought I was would be scratched off the list and replaced with unfaithful, imperfect, liar, etc.
"I'm glad it was me." I said, fighting off another deep sigh as I buried my head in his chest, and he tightened his grip around me. The thought of what I almost did with Gemma, of the deal I almost made, make me sick.
I was a horrible person. I could never tell Harry this, and if Gemma ever did tell him I would lie because I couldn't bare to have him mad at me.
Just the thought of all the made my stomach swirl with more nausea as I breathed in union with him, the both of us content in silence, and holding each other.
"How did the talk with Gemma go?" Harry then asked, and I almost jumped out of my skin. "I was just thinking about that." I admit looking up at him as he looked down at me. "And?" He asked. Here comes the lies.
"Your right, she's a hopeless case." I chuckled, trying to make light of it, because I was not about to tell Harry how the conversation went. I hadn't even told him about this morning events, and I didn't plan on it.
"Told you." He smirked, pecking my lips, and then nuzzled his face into my neck. "Yeah you did." I whispered, before allowing my eyes to wonder over his shoulders. Suddenly the thought dawned upon me that he had no concealer on, for I could see white scars littering his shoulders.
Of course, there was no way he'd have time to do it today. "Harry?" "Yes LouBear?" "Can I see the cuts?" I asked, my voice quiet and soft. At my question Harry then went silent as his breath on my neck made goosebumps appear on my skin.
"Are you sure?" He asked, then pulling out of our embrace, and I nodded. I don't know why I wanted to see them, I don't know why I wanted to have that image in my head, but I did know that it would stop being so surreal to me if I saw them myself.
"Yes." I simply said, and Harry nodded as he sucked in a deep breath and pointed down. "I thought you'd notice them on your own." He said quietly in the moment of me looking down, and my breathing stopped.
Every moving, beating, pulsing thing in my body stopped.
There wasn't one cut, there wasn't two cuts, there was well over a dozen long, bloody dashes on his inner thighs,and legs. Of course I didn't see them when I first walked in, you had to look all the way down.
It didn't stop there though, I also then noticed almost every inch of his body he could reach was covered in scars once I looked long enough. Some were swollen because the cuts had been so deep, and others your average scars.
I could tell though in some places he still had concealer, for some patches of his skin were darker then others.
"I didn't get a chance to redo my concealer this morning." Harry admitted, and my hand flew to my mouth. "Harry I-I.." I tried to choke out, but my voice caught on a sob as my breathing deepened from horror.
"Louis please don't cry." Harry begged, stepping foreward to grip my upper arms. "I didn't k-know it was s-so b-bad." I breathed, my voice cracking as an unwilling tear slipped out. "I didn't know it was so bad!" I then said a little louder, my chest caving in, and body trembling.
"I didn't want to show you ever, but I knew I'd have to some time." He said, looking down in shame. Seeing those cuts, and scars on Harry had an effect on me I can't describe. It made me want to rip something in half, and throw up.
It was sick that his dad was the cause of his whole screwed up life. In that moment I decided I had to do it. I had to make Gemma the deal, the one we both knew would happen, I couldn't let this happen again, it hurt my heart to much.
I knew it was wrong, but if it kept Harry safe and happy I would do it. Words hurt to you know. I'd rather get punched in the face then have an older sibling bully me the way Gemma bullied Harry.
Then at the thought of what I would probably have to in the next twenty-four hours I covered my mouth with both hands and started to sob. "I-I'm s-so sorry H-Harry." I choked out, tears dripping off my chin as my hands muffled the sounds of my cries, and Harry pulled me into a tight hug.
"Shhh. It's not your fault Louis." He said, pressing his cheek against mine as I only cried harder. I literally felt like there was a rock in my chest.
The image of Harry with cuts and scars was never going to leave my mind, it made me in those couple of minutes ten times more protective of him then I already was. I wanted him to stay happy now, I wanted him to never pick up a blade again.
I would do everything in my limited power to make sure he'd be okay.
"I-I s-sorry. I-I wish I c-could've rescued you." I heaved, my voice shaky, then Harry for the second time that day started to cry. Not as pityfully as me, but I could feel tears slipping off his face and landing on my shoulder as his body tensed and untensed against mine.
"I love you more then anything. Since I met you I stop the drugs, cutting, smoking, everything! Even when I wanted to rip your throat out I stopped. Your everything to me, and I don't know what I would do with out you.I'd do anything to always be in your arms. I'd do anything to have you marry me and be with me forever." He whispered, starting to get choked up as he pulled back to wrap his arms around my waist and press our foreheads together.
"You already rescued me Louis." He said, and I felt my tears increase as I cupped his cheeks.
"I swear the day you get down on one knee and ask me I will! I will say yes, I will marry you right on the spot if that is what you desire. I'd do anything for you. I'll never be ashamed of you. I will never turn my back on you. You can hurt me as much as you want and I'll stay. That will never change! Your mine and mine only. If you ever again get close to shooting yourself in the head, putting a rope around your neck or downing a bottle of pills; just remember there is one person who loves you more then oxygen itself and he would die from heartbreak or by his own hands rather then live with out you."
I then pressed my lips softly against his, needing to kiss him, needing to feel his skin on mine, lips on mine.
Harry instantly kissed back and in the flash of a second pushed me up against the shower wall prior to resting his hands on either side of my head as he pressed his body up against mine, and kissed me hard.
This kiss had fire. It had passion. It had a burn that was tearing between both our hearts, and inflaring a love that not even Shakespere in his most creative mood could create. We had the kind of love that could reshape lives.
"It took twenty-two years to find my prince. My angel. My soulmate." Harry said inbetween our lips, his kiss only getting harder and rougher, as if he was afraid I'd melt away if he was to gentle.
At that moment every bad thought, memory, anything disrupting to my mentle health faded as it always did when I took a dose of Harry. Each day every touch got sweeter, every kiss became more passionate, and every love making session feels like the first.
Harry then swiped his tongue over my bottom lip, an action I parted my lips to, and he jabbed his tongue in my mouth before meshing it with mine as I lifted one of my legs and wrapped it around his waist.
After I had done this he started to grind his groin against mine as he snaked down one his hands and gripped my thigh that was on his waist, and we both moaned as he bit down softly on my tongue and sucked on it prior to grabbing my other thigh and lifting me up.
Then, as I wrapped both my legs around his waist, I knew very well were our kiss was leading, but I wanted to top this time. I wanted to make love to my Harry.
As the thoughts crossed my mind Harry had me pinned up against the shower wall, holding me up as I cupped his cheeks, and he explored my mouth with his tongue making our kiss sloppy and messy but still passionate.
I could tell as he grinded onto me and gripped the back of my thighs where they were most sensitive, that he wanted to please me, but today I would not allow it. I wanted to please him.
"Let me make love to you." I begged, pulling my mouth back, but his followed not wanting to break the kiss. "Anything you want, I'm all yours." He whispered, brushing his lips over mine repeatedly while I stroked the apples of his cheeks with my thumbs.
"Then let me down so I can be inside you." I said, my voice playful, and Harry shook his head at me with a smile, and I was placed down on my feet. "I'm gonna need you to lay down on the bed." I said, grabbing his waist, and kissing his chest.
An action that made him giggle.
"On my back or stomach?" He asked, and I bit my lip for moment. "Back, because I want your marks on me." I decided, not caring if he tore my back to shreds, I wanted to make love to him, and I wanted evidence.
"If that is what you wish Louis." He sighed, then reached over to turn off the shower as we both stepped out of it.
We didn't bother to dry off, we didn't bother to say anything more as we both walked into the bedroom, and he laid down on the bed before I climbed ontop of his damp body and pressed my lips to his.
Hard.
As we lasped back into our sloppy, tongue included kiss, I snaked my hands down to his length, and gripped it before pumping him to give him pleasure. At my actions Harry pulled his lips away from mine and threw his head back with a groan.
"Oh..fuck..Louis.." He moaned, and I jumped at the oppertunity to press my lips to his neck, and started to leave light colored love bites over them.
As I carried out these actions, I was careful not to accidently brush over one of the cuts, and I was careful to make sure I kissed every scar my lips could find.
"Your so beautiful Harry." I whispered, planting my lips on his throat as I slowly kissed towards his sweet spot, pumping him slowly as he moaned and squirmed beneath me, a movement that only made me tighten my straddle on his lower stomach.
"So brave." I said, pressing my lips on his sweet spot, and biting down on it before sucking softly as he gasped and groaned. "Ahh..Louis..mmm.." He breathed, bucking his hips up into my hands, and I couldn't help the small smirk that came onto my face.
It made me feel like I had achieved something when I gave him pleasure, knowing I made him feel good.
"Oh you like that?" I asked blowing on the love bite I had left on his neck, and he nodded as I began to pump a little faster, his length sliding through my hand perfectly because of our wet bodies. Gosh these sheets were going to be ruined when we were done here.
"Y-Yes..oh.." Harry breathed, and I then bit my lip as I instantly pulled my hand away, and he whimpered. "Why did you stop?" He whined, and I silenced him by pecking his lips.
"Because I want to make love to you now, so legs up buttercup." I inform, wanting to only make him cum when I made love to him. Also I couldn't wait anymore. I needed to make love to him. "Cute." He said, sticking his tongue out at me as he lifted his legs and put them over my shoulders.
Once he had done that I grabbed his hips, and lifted mine a bit to line up at his entrance.
"Good boy." I said, leaning down and pressing my lips to his belly button as I thrusted in. "Ah!" Harry hissed, his body tensing for a moment then relaxing. Oh. I forgot to put on lube. ''Oh sorry, do you want me to put on some lube?" I asked, getting ready to pull out, but Harry shook his head.
"No, keep going, I like it rough." He said, resting his hands on my upper back and gripping it. "Okay." I said, not protesting, and I proceeded to continue thrusting. It felt weird having sex with out lube, because as Harry had said it was rougher, but more pleasureable.
Well at least on my end.
My thrusts were slow, and steady though, nothing fast because I did want to hurt him. With in moments though we were both breathing deeper and moaning as he dug his nails into my back.
"Faster Louis." Harry then begged, bucking up his hips, and I nodded as I began to move my hips faster against his bum, making my thrusts quicker and Harry screwed his eyes shut as he threw his head back.
"Yes! Fucking hell yes!" He shouted, his words followed by a loud moan, and I groaned as I began to create a rhythm, one that got faster and harder by the moment.
Soon within a minute, I was pounding in and out of him hard enough to hurt my back, the action making both of us make loud sounds of pleasure, one's I hoped no one outside of the room could hear.
As I made rough love to Harry, his nails raked over my back harshly, the pain strangly pleasurable as I continously attack his the skin on his stomach with my mouth, loving how rough he was letting me go.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel amazing, yet even with our agressive sex, there was still passion. Every now and then I'd whisper a compliment against his skin, or he would moan an 'I love you' before shouting a profanity.
Finally though I felt my climax bubbling in my lower stomach as my breaths became sharp and sweat was clinging to my body with a death grip.
"I-I'm almost t-there Louis." Harry warned, squirming beneath me as I slowed my pace a bit, still managing to hit his prostate to. "M-Me to." I heaved, his flexing muscles tightening and loosening around my length as I moved in and out of him.
"Oh..shit..Louis..oh!" Harry then shrieked, his back arching, and his nails tearing into my skin as his sweat slicked body tensed. Harry's lips then fell apart in a loud scream, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he orgasmed.
I swear, watching Harry come was one of the hottest things I had ever seen, and no one could argue with me on it.
I then felt my stomach clench hard, and member twitch as I let a long sharp breath followed by a moan.
"Let it g-go baby." Harry breathed, still in recovery from his orgasm as I then screamed as well, my girly shriek muffled by his stomach where I had nuzzled my face, and I filled him with warm cum an action that made Harry moan and hiss.
"I t-think I'm gonna let you top more often." He laughed once I had finished, and collasped ontop of him. "That would be nice." I said, taking deep breaths as I then pecked his lips.
After I had pulled my lips away from his, I gently eased myself out of him, earning a whimper from Harry, then I rolled over to his side with a hiss as the sheets brushed over my back. "Ouch! Gosh!" I gasped, rolling over onto my stomach, and Harry laughed.
"I'm sorry for making your back look like a cat came out of hell and scratched it up." He appoligized, and I pouted as he draped an arm over my waist. "It looks that bad huh?" I asked, and he nodded.
"We'll have to give Maddie a cover for story for all the blood on the sheets." He said, and I sighed with a smile and the shake of my head. "And we'll have to make up a story about the cat." I pointed out, and he nodded.
"Which reminds me, I better see you at school this week or I won't touch you for a month." He warned, and I scoffed. "B.S." I called out, and he merely smirked as I rolled my eyes. "Oh Harry, you bloody arse." I muttered, making him laugh.
"I know you love me." He whispered, kissing my cheek, and I merely smiled, that being enough to portray all my feelings for him.
-
After that me and Harry fell asleep.
We could really cuddle the way we normally would, because my back was burning, so I just lifted up my arm and let Harry cuddle up to my side.
I was proud of the scratches though, even if they did hurt a bit, I was more then willing to go through pain to make Harry happy, and I do believe the scratches was a great example. About an hour after falling asleep, I woke up first, being hungry as a bear.
Yawning a bit, I glanced at Harry who was snoring softly under my arm, and I smiled softly as I kissed his forehead. I was just going to let him sleep, no point in waking him up if he looked so peaceful.
Sitting up slowly, I gently pulled my arm out from under him, then pulled the blanket over him tucking him in softly.
"Sweet dreams cutie." I whispered, kissing his mop of knotted curls before slidding off the bed. Once I had made off the bed with out waking him up, I gently eased his clothes draws open and grabbed out sweats, a t-shirt, and boxers.
After I had gotten dressed, I walked into the bathroom and used Harry's comb to fix my hair. Soon I was content with my appearance, and decided to go downstairs and see if Maddie had made dinner.
Checking on Harry one last time, I quietly slipped out of the bedroom and shut the door quietly behind me.
"Oh hello Louis." Anne's voice then said, I turned around to see her standing in the hall, her body positioned in the hall leading to the stairs. "Hi Anne." I said, smiling at her. She looked tired, but I think we could both silently agree the tension from this morning was gone.
"How did the interview go?" I inquired, and she shrugged. ''I believe it went well. The boss was very kind." She informed, and I nodded before she yawned softly. "How was the rest of your day?" She asked.
"Tiring." I responded, deciding that was the only word I could use to avoid talking about the things I did today. "That makes two of us." She said nodding, then glanced at the door behind me. "Where's Harry?" She asked, and I pointed to his room.
"Sleeping, that's why I was moving around like a ninja." I informed, and she laughed as I added, "You can go in and see him if you want, but you'll have to become a ninja to." I said, reaching for the door knob to open it, but she shook her head.
"No, lets leave him be. I bet my baby works to hard." She said, then kissing my cheek before pointing downstairs. "The lovely Maddie said dinner will be ready any moment." She says, and I nod as I point down to the end of the hall where Gemma's room was.
"Should I go get Gemma?" I offered, even though I didn't feel like going near her yet, because we both knew what our topic of discussion would be. "No, let her come down on her own." Anne says dryly, and I nod in relief as we both then began to walk downstairs in silence.
I could tell my Anne's tone of voice when I mentioned Gemma that she was still in a bad place when it came to the events this morning. She was probably still mad at Gemma, an emotion in which I couldn't blame her for having.
"Hello Anne, Louis. I hope you both are hungry." Maddie called out as we both walked through the kitchen to go to the dining room.
"I know I am, those sandwhiches from earlier are long gone." I announced, and Anne laughs as we both walked into the dining room and sat across from each other.
"What kind of job did you apply for?" I asked, the instant we were both settled in our seats.
"Travel Agent, I was thinking that since I have more free time now that would be a good start to getting on my feet." She said as Maddie came out with two steaming plates of spagetti and meatballs, a big slice of garlic bread on the side.
"Thanks Maddie love." Anne said, taking her plate, and I took mine in the moment of Maddie asking, "Where's Harry?" I then pointed up to the ceiling. "Upstairs sleeping. We were both tired." I said, careful not to let my back brush against the chair, for my scratches were still burning.
"Oh alright, I'll put his plate in the oven then." Maddie informed, then disappeared back into the kitchen as I ripped off a bite of garlic bread.
"Louis dear, what are your plans after collage?" Anne then asked, taking a lady like bite of her meatball.
"To be a drama teacher, father, and husband." I informed, feeling a bit ashamed though because those minor achievements weren't much. "That sounds lovely, seems like your planning on having a relaxing future." She said, smiling as Gemma then came in, carrying her plate of food.
"Hi Gemma." Anne said, pursing her lips a bit, and Gemma nodded at her, glared at me, then sat down at the head on the table.
Feeling my heart start to race in my chest, I decided to ignore Gemma, and divert my attention back to Anne.
"Hopefully." I say, and Gemma scoffs earning a sarcastic smile from me. "Well I bet you'll be a wonderful husband, father, and teacher!" Anne proclaims, and I feel myself blush a bit as I looked down.
"It will be! And hopefully Harry will be there by my side." I blurt, and a soft smile appears on Anne's face as I slouch in my seat. "I'm sure he will." She said, then we all became silent for the rest of the meal.
The silence between me and Anne was comfortable, but I could feel a bit of tension circulating from Gemma. I didn't dare glance once at her during the rest of the meal.
I was terrified to make a deal with her, I was terrified to do something so horrible, but the impounding image of Harry's damaged body was enough to make me do anything for him even if it was wrong and would seclude me in a prison.
I guess that's love for you.
Then the seemingly long meal finally ended as all three of us finished at almost the exact same time, and Anne stood up dabbing at her mouth with a napkin.
"I'm going to get some sleep now, goodnight kids." She said, and I smiled as I waved to her then Anne disappeared upstairs followed shortly afterwards by Gemma leaving me alone at the table.
Once I had cleaned off my plate completely, I stood up and gathered the girls plates before carrying them in the kitchen to Maddie. "Oh dear you don't have to do that, I can clean the table." Maddie protested but I waved her off as I put the plates in the sink and began to rinse them off.
"I want to help out just a bit, you did cook an amazing dinner." I say, and she shakes her head at me with a smile as she grabs a rag.
"Well then I'll go wipe off the table then." She said, walking into the living room. Once I had finished rinsing off the plates I decided it was time. It was time to seal a deal with a devil named Gemma to protect my Harry's aching soul.
As I walked up the stairs, and down the hall I felt sick with myself. I felt like I deserved to be punched, smacked, spat on, and torn to shreds. What I was about to do was horrible.
Maybe even not nessicary, but the image of those cuts and scars was adding such a strong pressure to my brain I felt like it was cracking.
When I got to Gemma's door, I raised my hand and knocked with my open palm, taking sharp breaths.
Please please God don't let me regret this.
"What?" Gemma asked harshly, the instant she opened the door, and I almost bolted like a rabbit with a hound at it's heels.
But I didn't.
"I want to finish talking about our deal." I say slowly, clenching and unclenching my fists.
The pressure from the incrediable guilt I was feeling was making it difficult to stand. "Alright." She said, biting her lip as she narrowed her eyes at me. "I won't take your original deal, but I have another." I state first, referring to one where she demanded I break up with Harry to be with her.
"What would that be?" She asked, her eyes begining to glint. I then sucked in a deep breath as I felt my knee's wobble.
"If you promise to leave Harry alone, I will screw you as many times as you want, but it has to remain a secret." I say, quickly, immediately feeling tears prick the back of my eyes as I my heart clenched.
If it had been up to me I would've done anything but that, yet it seemed as if Gemma would only take a deal that had something along the lines of sex in it. "I'll take that deal Tomlinson." She says, then stands up straight as she holds out a hand.
"Shake on it." She says smirking in the most evil of fashions, and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I grabbed her hand and gave it a quick shake. "Thank you." I said, and she nodded curtly before slipping back into her room and closing her door.
After that I turned around and hit the wall as hard as I could with my fist. I didn't know how I was going to do this, I didn't know how I was going to go through with it, just thought alone of it made me feel like I was going to pass out.
I wanted to collaspe to my knee's right now, and cry but I was afraid of someone discovering me in a moment of guilty grief, so I forced myself to walk back into Harry's room. I was doing this for him.
I was protecting him.
That was the only way I could ease the ache, was to remind myself I had what seemed to be good reasons, and I loved him. If I didn't love him I would probably have cheated with Gemma just because, but now I was doing it to protect him.
Nothing more.
When I got into Harry's room he was still sleeping soundly, probably exhausted from our love making session. Sighing deeply, I gently closed the door behind me before stripping down into my boxers and climbing onto the bed.
"I love you so much Harry, so much." I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist and cuddling up to his back as I rested my hands on his stomach.
"I love you to." He mumbled, making me jump a bit, but I contain my sounds of surprise as silent tears started to fall in the mist of my weak smile.
"I'd do anything for you Harry, anything." I whispered in response, placing my lips inbetween his shoulder blades as I closed my eyes.

Notes