When people think depression they often think of the ones who have no friends. The rebel, the wall flowers and the outcasts. The look at the people laughing and joking with their friend and think nothings wrong. When they ask them 'How are you?' and hear and 'I'm Fine.' They don't push any farther. They don't see the hurt and the pain They don't realize that people deal with depression in different ways. Some people can tell and others keep it bottled up. This is my story

When people look at my life they probably see nothing wrong. 2 loving parents, a nice house, lots of friends and a good brother/sister relationship. They don't understand. My dad is in the military every couple of years we pack up and move again. When asked where I've lived people hear California, Hawaii, Italy and Portugal. They say wow your so lucky and look no deeper. They think starting over is fun and exciting.......its not.

My story starts when I was little. I've always had a hard time expressing myself and my feelings. When I was little I had and expecially hard time and i'd get a bit violent. My parents took me to a psychologist to try and solve the problem. She'd hand me a piece of paper and i'd try to scribble my feelings. They figured since my feeling were out i'd be fine but never bothered to try and understand what my scribbles meant.

When I was 6 my parents first moved us oversees. At that time it seemed new and exciting. I was caught up like every girl in dreamland with princesses and fairies. The thing most people didn't get was that I understood. My mind was already processing quickly. We'd go on tours and afterwards I could recant it almost perfectly. So when the bullying started I understood what was going on. In the middle of 1st grade my parents got told the school had nothing left to teach me in 1st grade and wanted to push me up 2 grades. that would put me in 4th grade at age 7. My parents pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me. we toured Italy and Europe and unlike some of the other children I understood. The murders and martyrs the Jews cramped in small spaces fearing for their lives. However while the Jew's had a real prison mine was my mind.

When we moved again I started to shut down. I got to sent to a private school. Why pushed me up so I was a grade ahead of my age group. It was definitely hard being the youngest. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was also going through a geeky stage with the frizzy hair, glasses, and bad teeth (then braces). I got bullied. Called fat and ugly when the doctors had always been watching me for anorexia cause I was so skinny. The worst part of it was I believed them. I didn't only get it in school. I got it at home. Because he was bullied at school my little brother bullied me. He would call me ugly and a loser and tell me I looked like a hag. This hurt the most. Me and my brother had always been close and when i'd come home looking for affirmation all I would get was more bullying. With my dad at work and never home and my mom seemingly thinking my brother was perfect it didn't get stopped. I eventually developed OCD. I would wash my hands 20+ times a day for no reason. I would put up a fight to go to school. To make matters worse the 4th day of a new school I fell off a balance beam and messed up my knee really bad. I didn't need to stand out more. I was desperate to fit in. I would walk up to the girls in my class to say hi and they would switch languages so I couldn’t understand them. My parents again sent me to a psychologist to try and fix it. After this I seemed to get better but it was only on the outside. I started to build a shell. After I while I made a couple of friends and everything seemed to be going well. Then I decided to leave school because of a promise id made and it all started again. My friends turned on me. They’d say bad things about me to my back and to my face.
When we moved for the last time I completed my shell. I figured if I didn’t let anybody get close no one could hurt me. I tried to change my look no more frizzy hair and I got contacts. I seemingly made friends quickly. However I had put on a mask. Faking laughs and faking smiles letting no one in. I still felt worthless and ugly and like an outsider. We had returned to the states but I was still an outsider. I started to go into a daydream land like a little girl. I made up worlds where I fit in and belonged. My depression got worse and worse and nobody noticed. I had always been taught that God was there but it felt like he had deserted me. My friends would tell me I looked pretty and my head said no your not. They would tell me im lucky to be skinny. My brain said your fat. I started to “forget” meals. However because of sports I started to gain weight (muscle) and it made me feel worse.
I still hide behind a mask and in a shell. The worse part is nobody notices. People ask how I am and I say im fine. Nobody takes the time to ask for the truth. Im kind of glad ive been a little bit sheltered. I didn’t learn about self harm or I probably would have done it. I cant lie and say I haven’t considered it. Various times in my life I have considered suicide but something always stopped me. I still suffer from the feelings of worthlessness and insecurity and not being good enough. I still “forget” meals. My head still tells me im fat and ugly. Next time you start to judge someone who seems to have everything together look closer. Like me they might just be wearing a mask. Depression is a battle I sometimes despair of winning. To me it brings new meaning to the one direction lyrics:
I’m broken do you hear me.
I’m blinded cause you are everything to me
I’m dancing alone Im praying your heart will just turn around….
If im louder will you see me…….