The Last Goodbye

What if I was actually the one who died?


I mean it still wouldn't add up correctly since technically as of right now I'm alive. The thought of it has crossed my mind once or twice. I'm constantly seeing a past that has me in it, but the only problem is I don't remember any of it. So I tested the words carefully in my head and it felt wrong. It was like saying the sun only rises at night and it snows often in the desert. It was unnatural that is what it felt like.

I leaned my forehead against the tiles in the shower. My eyes stayed open even though water trickled down from the shower head into my face. I listened to all the voices that swirled in my head and they all talked to me at once. All competing for my attention, but there was only one person's voice I wanted to hear from. I swallowed my emotions and turned the knob in the shower to stop the water from falling down and then wrapped a towel around myself. With the palm of my hand I went across the mirror to clear the fog off the glass. I saw my reflection and I didn't recognize it.

Even though my hair was soaking wet the color in it looked lighter. My eyes that are always a lighter shade of blue appeared to be darker than usual. I was staring back at someone else. Out of nowhere there was a long faded scar that seemed to had blended in with my skin was now visible. I haven't noticed it before today. It started from the top of my shoulder and it stopped before it reaches the lower half of my back . I skimmed my hand over afraid to touch it. I kept my back twisted to the mirror to try and get a better look at it. As I continue to inspect another one appears on my side. Then another one I can feel going down beside my spine. It freaked me out only because I haven't done anything lately that would have caused me to have received such scars.

"What?" I whispered against the skin on my shoulder.

Loud thumping noises came from the other side of the door. I secured the towel back around me and twisted the door handle in the bathroom. Beth was there sitting on the hotel floor surrounded by scattered clothing.

"All these clothes and I have nothing to put on!" She says still rummaging through her clothes. Her behavior sorta of reminded me of the time when the two of us got ready for the Mavis Masquerade. She was so torn about what pairs of shoes she had to wear.

"Where are you planning on going anyway." I asked her with my arms wrapped tightly around me. Goosebumps appeared on my bare arms due to the cold air in our room. "Christian and I didn't want food at the fair so we're going to go grab ourselves something to eat." Beth says smiling down at the message on her phone.

"You two are spending a lot of time together lately." I said more curiously than I should have. Beth picked herself up along with a floral and black strapless dress.

"Keeping tabs?" She said suddenly apprehensive.

"No just stating a fact." I said not caring about the changed tone in her voice. "I was going to ask you and Harry if you wanted to join. But I had a feeling you both might have wanted to stay." She adds softening her voice.

"What makes you say that?"

"Oh come on Victoria it's so obvious you have a thing for the guy. " She claimed. I laughed.

"I guess it's for the better right? While you were parking the car and I finished getting us checked in. I asked Harry the same thing and he came out and said you two were just friends." Beth turned her head before she walked into the bathroom. "I mean it's not like you two could actually be together under his circumstances." She said.

That night I tossed and turned, trying to sleep. Well it would only be considered trying if I was actually attempting on sleeping. I wanted to find a way to go see Harry. We hadn't spoken to each other since the kiss in the parking lot. It wasn't like it was pre planned like I was waiting to kiss him. That woman would have easily caused a scene if she got any closer. So I had I to do what I thought was necessary. Turning on my side I'm surprised by my view. Beth is lying face flat on the other bed. Still wearing the clothes she went out in and her legs dangling over the bed. The clock on the night stand read 3:45 am. Swiping away hair out of my face I lean up further and Christian is snoring loudly on the floor beside her. I get out from beneath the covers and quietly walk over to get my brown leather bomber-jacket and slipped back on my jeans. I couldn't find my shoes without turning on a lamp, so I was going bare foot.

I tiptoe over to Christian carefully not to make any kind of sound. Christian is the epitome of what you would call a light sleeper. I bend down to get closer to him only to try and get his room key out of his pocket. In my head in seemed like an easier task at first but actually attempting it made me squirm inside. I took a deep breathe and let it out. Then I went for it. I tried his left pocket first on his pants. It already look like something was slipping out of it. I pulled it out gently with only using one finger. Me thinking it was a room key was actually funny to what I was actually holding. It was a little square unopened wrapper that contained a condom.

He couldn't have been planning on having sex with me because we're not together. I've never even done it with Christian or anyone else for that matter. So I wonder if Christian always walked around with it or was he planning on using it tonight. . . with Beth? I continued on my search for it, moving over to his right pocket. His wallet was the only thing in there, but wedged between it was his room key. I slowly slipped it back into his pants pocket and got up from the floor. Shoving it in my jacket's pocket I unlatched the lock on the door and turned the locked. It didn't make too much of a noise, but I closed it behind me I'm pretty sure that time it did.

When I got to his room four doors down. I balled my fist up like I was going to knock on the door. It would defeat my purpose of ever even getting Christian's room key. I couldn't just open the door and walk in. My hand hung in mid air and it slowly gravitated towards the door. I knocked on it three times and he didn't come to the door. I turned my back against it hoping it wasn't to late to leave. What was I thinking anyway?I don't even know which is worse, driving all the way to New Hampshire to talk to a stranger about a previous so called life. Or standing outside of Harry's door at three in the morning.I felt a quick rush of air behind me cause his door came open. I feel him before I see him. It's as if my whole body is attuned to his presence.

He stood there naked from waist up. He was squinting his eyes trying to adjust them to the light in the hall behind me. Harry leaned against the door frame and kept one of his arms on the door above his head. And I was trying my best to hide my amusement by glancing at all his tattoos. Harry raised his eyebrow and for a moment he looked utterly bemused. Like he was trying to match a name to my face.

"It's me Victoria. You forgot me that quick." I say in a jokingly manner. Harry's expression falls and his mouth presses in line. I blink at him, pulling my jacket tighter around me. Whatever's going on in his head he was clearly in deep thought, radiating a brooding silence.

"Alright then." I say waving him goodbye.

"Victoria!"Harry finally says his voice deeper sounding the usual. He sounds like he just woke up, again.

"I don't understand why, but my mind fell blank sorry." He said apologetically.

"It's no big deal." I mutter, because I don't know what else to say. My eyes stray down again stealing a glance at the tattoos on his chest. But I quickly look away before he notices. "You're probably wondering what I'm doing here. I didn't mean to wake you I just couldn't sleep and you are the only person who would understand me in this state I'm in."

"Is there something wrong?" He asks. Well let's see I keep seeing flashbacks of ghost of boy bands past, there are unexplained scars all over me side and back. Lastly my very recent ex boyfriend may or may not have wanted to hook up with my best friend. Other than that I'm great!

"It's nothing really. My brain is overly active at night so instead of sleeping I decided to come over to torture the truth out of you instead." I told him. He grins his boyish smile.

"You really shouldn't be making promises you can't fulfill." Flustered, I bit down hard on my bottom lip and watched as someone got on the elevator. "Are you coming in or-" His voice trailed off. I walked inside without answering. Looking around the room I see it's identical to mine and Beth's. Except their room has two dived bedrooms. One on opposite end. "Your boyfriend is not in here." Harry said standing behind me.
"He's not my boyfriend. Besides he's moved on anyway." I said flashing back to what I found in his pocket.

"Have you?" Harry asked.

I shrug. "Yes I suppose." Oh where is he going with this. I turn in one swift motion and try to steer the conversation on him. "What do you think about when you hear the name Zayn?" I ask him. I stand and stare waiting for his answer. His hair unruly like he just rolled out of bed, the tightness around his eyes, the tense jaw. Harry frowns at me, his eyes dark.

"Nothing because I don't think about him." He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead with fingers.

"He couldn't have been terrible your were his friend and bandmate." I say carefully.

"Whatever you are thinking don't, because you don't know the first thing." He says dismissively. "I think you can be an asshole." I tell him.

"Really?"

"I said can be." I reply.

"Only cause you make me feel inadequate all the time." He says sounding exasperated. "And how is that?" I say folding my arms like a child. Harry walked into one of the other rooms and shortly after pulling a long black sleeve shirt over his head. Harry expression softens. "So what was on your mind you had to come all the way down here?" He gazes down at me.

"Are you trying to change the subject?" I ask him. "Yes." Harry says simply, he visibly relaxes.

"Can I ask you something and you promise to be honest with me?" I ask. "Ask me whatever you like?" He sighed. "How do I say this..." I smile weakly. Why was this so hard to talk about? I took a deep breath flinching slightly at the thought of the marks embedded into my skin. I open my mouth to talk, but my words fail. He looks at me anxiously waiting to hear whatever I had to say. We stand facing each other in the middle of the room. A tv to my left, a small coffee table brushed against my leg, and the couch on my right. I stare mindlessly at it.

"It makes sense to me. . . until it doesn't." I whisper. I keep my head turned to the right carefully selecting all the words I want to use. "Since a few days after I saw you I've been having these mixed emotions. Like my head and my heart are on two different paths and I say that without being cliche, but it's true." I turn my focus on Harry now. Tears well in my eyes and I'm pretty sure all the blood has rushed to lip from biting it so much. "In my head everything is spinning and it doesn't make any fucking sense. Then there's my heart and for some reason it keeps leading me to you." I say wiping a tear on my cheek.

"And it's giving the sense that we were both in that car that day, because I have the scars to show for it." I stumble then pause. Harry stands there uncomfortably. Honestly he looked stunned by my confession.

"Tell me I'm right?" I say to him. I can hardly read the expression on his face. He sorta of looked upset.

"Exactly when did you notice the them?" He says eventually.

"Today after I got out of the shower." I mutter. He lets out a deep and longing sigh and hangs his while pinching the bridge if his nose. I walk closer to him and remove his hand from his face. He tilts his head closer to mine only our noses touching.

"I am so confused." I laugh dryly.

"I've been that way since the moment I saw you again." He said his jaw tightening. "You know the only thing I don't question?" He asked.

"And what is that?" "To be able to spend all my moments with you one last time." He smiles and it's this new shy smile. He leans his head further down hesitating before making his next decision. I raise my lips to meet his, and in the nanosecond when our lips touch the nature of the kiss changes. Suddenly my fingers are curling in his hair as he grabs me and navigate me over to the wall. His hand framing my face, holding me to his lips thrashing against each other. I don't know it's all the bottled up feeling or the early morning revelation making everything feel much more real. But I feel his anxiety, his need.

I pour all the angst and all the uncertainty from the past few weeks. And it hits me that in this moment he's doing the same. Harry drags his face from mine, but I still remained pinned with my back against the wall. He watches my face carefully, his eye blazing. He traces my lower lip with his thumb. We exchange a long suffering look then his hand moves down my shoulder sliding my jacket down. Harry tugs my hand and before I know it I'm following him into a room. He has his arm around me and his nose is in my hair. "I've known you for a very long time and yet you still make me nervous." He breathes.

I mold myself around his embrace. Facing up at him I smile. I clutch onto my jacket in my hands knowing what certain item is still in its pocket. He pressed me to his chest and I allow myself the illusion that all will be well and for a moment it comforts me. Still I have things I desperately need to know. Like how am I still breathing?

It was around seven in the morning when I lazily trotted back into room five sixteen. I had been gone for five hours. I couldn't conceal the smile on my face and I wasn't quite sure I was even walking to the right hotel room. I slid my room key though the door's lock pad, before my card pulled up Beth is standing in the doorway. She is all ready dressed wearing a denim collar button down, denim shorts, and sandals with straps that almost go to her knees.
"It's almost time to go to the signing!" Beth cried frantically grabbing me through the door.

I look over to the spot where Christian once was. I assumed he was still here seeing that there is light coming underneath the bathroom door. "I woke up and you were gone." Beth says as she pulls her lions mane of hair in a pony tail.

"I couldn't sleep." I said innocently.

"Hmm mmm." She said with my back turned. Christian enters the room barely acknowledging my presence.

"Good morning." I smile at him. His lips twist into a grotesque smile.

"Morning." He says flatly. Christian seemed like he was in a bit of a mood this morning. And for a second I just think maybes he's not a morning person, but that idea was shot when I noticed how he acted with Beth. He clearly had a problem with me. I know I needed to finally talk to him, but my subconscious was telling me no.

"Okay seriously you guys we have to get there before the place gets crowded." Beth said. I wondered why she was in such a hurry to get there. I was actually being calm about it. Trying to that is. I just put on a fitted long sleeve striped blue and white dress. "Aren't you coming?" Beth asked Christian who was laying on her bed with his arms propped behind his head.

"I don't think I want to go and obsess over some old Irish guy." He said changing the channels on the television.

"Why did you come?" I say quietly enough so no can can hear me. "Alright then have fun by yourself." Beth said to Christian seemingly to have been affected by his change of mind. Beth and I walked down the hall to get to Harry and Christian's room. I knocked on the door first, no answer. After I gave up Beth knocked on it about ten times. He never answered.

"Maybe he's waiting by the truck. " I say. He wasn't out there either. "What if he. . .you know?" She said titling her head sideways. That didn't make me feel any better. Arriving upon the location the streets were filled. Traffic was hectic and because I wasn't familiar with the streets for a while I followed where the other cars in my lane went. Around the corner I saw where the signing was going to be held. The place called The Everglass.

For it to only be just a book singing the place looked grand. The building was wide and the walls look like they where made of glass entirely. The ground around it was marble and had names of people who visited carved into it. Security was out front and like I imagined it tons and tons of people waited to be let in. Different age rank of people were out there so I wouldn't look completely out of place. It was a struggle finding a parking spot. I was able to get one eventually, but it was a few blocks behind the building.

"Here give me your arm." Beth said pulling a burgundy paper wristband out of her purse. "Why don't you only have one?" I asked her.

"We haven't really been that close lately and I get why. So I figured whatever is going right now in this screwed up situation. You probably wanted to do this alone." She said fastening the strap around my wrist. I had the urge to hug her, but for some reason I didn't do it. "Oh wait and you'll need this." She handed a book to me. It was Niall's autobiography titled "THE WAY WE WERE."

"Thanks." I said.

"You couldn't go to a book signing without a book. Go!" She smiled and for a second there it look like she was going to cry. Then she put her legs on the dashboard and blasted music from the car. Waiting in the line seemed like the hard and long part. Actually getting to see him felt surreal to me. I listened to the people around me gab on and on about him. Singing old songs from the band and after a while the music from one direction was actually being played. I couldn't tell whose voice belonged to whom. I did recognize Harry's voice.

Ugh! Not now I couldn't think about him now. He wanted to come so where the hell was he? I really hope that me being her isn't a waste of time or just another dead end. At the thought of word dead I thought about my grandmother and what her part in all of this was. It all started with her when we looked though her stuff. The photo, the doll, the flowers.

"Miss you can move up." A man dressed in all black said. I hadn't even realized I was standing inside. I looked up at him confused and completely dazed.

"Miss?" The man said instructing me to walk up to the man behind the table. And there he was. Wearing a white button down shirt and his hair looking a mixture of blond and white. The familiar pale blue and his unforgettable smile.

I was finally face to face with Niall Horan.

Notes