I Understand. An AU/punk story.

I go straight to my shower in my bedroom and get in, not bothering to wait for the water to get warm. I wipe my eyes even though the water is getting my face wet.

No more crying.

I massage in my strawberry shampoo and conditioner and shave the stubble on my leg before getting out and towel drying my skin and blow drying my damp hair.

Today will be a busy day.

I wrap my towel tight under my arms and go back to my bedroom, remembering all of my clothes are at Louis's.... ugh. Louis.

I already have decided I'm moving back in with the girls. Louis meant the world to me, really he did, but I didn't need a relationship. Especially as one as confusing as ours.

I make my way from my room and find Zayn, Perri, Rae and Niall whispering in the kitchen.

"Hey can I borrow some clothes for today? My stuffs at Lou's." I blush, asking my friends.

"Yeah, hold on." Perri gives me a faint smile and leaves. I feel real weird about being in my towel in front of the boys but they don't seem at all phased and don't actually look at me. Zayn clicks at his phone and NiIall absentmindedly curls a piece of Rae's hair around his fingers. "Here you go.." Perri hands me some clothes and I thank her, going in to my room and pulling it on. I put my long hair in a simple braid and adjust myself one more time, not applying makeup since I didn't want to imply on the girls to borrow any.

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After kissing the dogs bye and going back to the living room I find them still whispering.

"Well I'm to go to Louis's... I need to talk to him." I sigh, a frown on my face, I know in my stomach they're whispering about me.

"Need a ride? I'm headed out." Niall offers, after pecking his lady's lips. I smile and nod, following him out and then down to his car. Once in he cranks the AC and we ride in silence until he breaks it. "So... are you moving back in with the girls?"

"Um.. yeah." I smile polity and nod.

"Are you back with Harry or something?" He presses, clearly he was sent to get to the bottom of my disheveled appearance the other night and my sudden mood swing about coming home. Which wasn't too bad for me because he was a carefree and lovable soul, and it was easy to talk to him.

"No. Definitely not." I breathe, shaking my head, looking over to him. He smiles and nods.

"He loves you, you know." He adds, his voice suddenly serious. "I didn't think he would for a while there.... like, love a girl. But he does love you." He bites his lip and doesn't meet my eyes as he continues the short drive.

"I know he does." I nod my head and frown, not sure how to get back to him on that. "It's just too tragic whenever we are together. I feel like he deserves better and so do I... Plus I need to start focusing on my career and not on boys." I say grimly, leaning my elbow on the door, dropping my forehead in to my hand.

"I get that I do.. The future stuff. Harry is difficult to makes plans with or around. But I disagree on the tragic part. You guys are always connected. So in touch with each other. It's kinda freaky how similar you are." He chuckles and pulls on to Louis's street.

"Thank for everything, Ni. You're a great buddy." I add quietly, and I mean it too. He thanks me and gives me a tight squeeze over the console before I climb and creep my way to the front door. Before I reach it, it swings open and the rugged, defeated face of Louis appears.

"Oh, god. I was so worried." He breathes as I come in to the house. My anger and frustration roll back in.

"Well that's funny. You weren't too nervous when you left me stranded while I was drunk off my ass!" I spit, stomping up the stairs, he rushes after me.

"Baby, you need to listen to me. It's not what you think." He frowns, gently putting a hand an my upper arm to stop my from continuing my actions.

"Really? Then what was it?" I snap, taking deep breaths. Fighting with him felt so utterly weird and helpless and I hated it.

"I had business to take care of and I couldn't find you." He sighs, trying to ut his hands on my hips as I face him

"What business?" I press, taking a step back.

"Busines that I don't want to worry you with.'' I roll my eyes and head to the closet, taking my suit case out. "W- what are you doing?" He stammers. I toss the bag on the bed and turn to him. His face instantly makes me yearn to go to him and press my mouth to his and soothe him but I can't. We can't....

"I need to move back home... It's time I go." I breathe, running my hand over my braid as his face drops.

"Oh my god. Because I left you there? Please, Lils, do not do this! I am so so sorry. Please do not leave!" he begs. Panic swiping his usually calm and cool features.

I sit on the edge of the bed and he looks back at me, his eyes misty and fogged. I feel like crying. I didn't realize how much I was going to miss him. He was the only constant in my life ever and i was just screwing him over and we both knew it.

"Come here." I whisper, patting the edge of the bed. He hurries and sits next to me, he looks like a lost little puppy as he watches me closely. "It's nothing you did. I just want to get back on my feet." I whisper, fighting my subconscious, I take his hand in my own cup his cheek with my other. he leans in to my touch and frowns bigger. "Please don't be sad or mad. It's OK."

"Are you with him?" He whispers, his face becoming emotionless. I shake my head no and he seems to relax slightly.

"No. I'm doing this for myself." I tell him confidently. He nods but doesn't look very happy. I peck his chin before getting up, leaving him on the bed as I pack.

"What about us?" He whispers so softly I have to wait a second to process the words. I freeze, my back to him as I together my clothes from the closet.

"Louis... I... I don't know." I whimper, not feeling brave enough to look at him.

"I thought you loved me?" He suddenly jumps up from the bed and his voice fills the once silent room.

"I do and you know I do." I snap, turning to face him. His face is pained and he looks like he just got knocked in the gut.

"Then be mine." His face hard and I don't take the time to try to figure it out becuase his words stun me.

"W- what?"

"Be mine. Please? I can make you so happy, Lily. We both know that. I can be here for you, and support you and I won't pressure you like he did. I won't betray and lie to you like he did. As long as you just give me a freaking chance! I can be the best thing that's happened to you. I will spoil you rotten. Just be mine."



This is not going as I expected it to....

I blink and make a weird choking noise as he comes closer, standing in front of me to cup my cheeks, his eyes so intense they look like thunder storms.

"I will buy you everything you ever wanted. I will go out of my way to make sure you smile and laugh each day. I'll keep you safe and take care of you. Always. I'll always be there for you. I would never let you down. Just be my girl. I love you more than anything. I swear I do. I swear I can -"

I cut him off by putting my hand in the air.

To say I'm stunned is an understatement.

I just made a promise to no longer involve myself with men until I start taking care of my future and here he is, literally, knocking the wind out of me with his words of love compassion.

His eyes are so intense I screw mine shut and take a deep breath.

"It would be so easy." He whispers so softly, leaning his head on mine. "Being together. It would be as simple as breathing."

My heart aches for him. To be loved by him, not just him but someone. I realize just how bad I want to be loved and needed at this moment. And i believe every word he is saying. harry never said anything like this.

I bite my tongue harshly. I have no right to compare the two. They are nothing but black and white.

"Do you realize how hard this for me..?" I breathe, opening my eyes, they're misted but I keep my tears in check.

"Yes. And I'm sorry it is. But I'm not going to stop. I won't give up like he did." He says in a small and whiny voice.

I didn't like it when he says 'he'... I was not at all comfortable with Louis and Harry in the same room or each others names in each others mouths. It was too strange.

"I need to think. I just want my life to keep moving forward. Wouldn't a boyfriend just backtrack it?" I ask him, needing his advice and guidance.

"Depends on the boy." He admits, stepping back from me, a worried expression in his face. "Lets just get you packed, yeah?" I can see the flush creeping on to his cheeks as he turns form me and grabs some of my stuff from a door.

I flat out rejected him. I rejected him so hard his ego would be bruised for months. God I am horrible.

But his words intrigue me.
What if he was right?

Before I know what I'm doing I walk to his back and wrap my arms around him, leaning my head on his muscled back.

For a moment I wish that Louis wasn't really Louis. But a Louis in a different life. I life where we met by mere coincidence and he wasn't a punk. And we would be able to have a beautiful relationship like wants and deserves. I a life where there were no Rae's and no Harry's, no Rhonda's and no betrayal by my mother.

But I am am selfish to wish for that.

I bite my tongue and again when I taste a very slight tinge of metallic.

"I want to. I just need to think." I whisper. He doesn't respond. Just squeezes the hand around his abdomen tightly before I let go so we can finish packing my belongings.

-

We're parked in his car outside of my place. Just sitting here. Not speaking. I don't want to get out of the car. And I don't want to go inside.

I just want to freeze our last few intimate moments.

"Ready?" He gravely voice interrupts my thoughts, mixed emotions rush through me but all I do is nod and get out, he gets my bags from the trunk.

I put them down in front of the elevator and press the button. I turn to him and he gives me a small smile.

"Will you be OK?"

"Yeah. Will you?"

"Yeah.." But I know we are both lying. I quickly press our chests together and wrap my arms around his waist, squeezing him tightly.

I think he understand now that our chances are slim to non existent.

But I also thinks he understands.

The elevator chimes, I peck his lips and step in, giving him a pathetic wave which he returns with a cute smile as the metal doors separate us.

I don't cry.

I thought I would.

But I don't and I feel guilty about it.

If I loved him why wasn't I crying since I was saying goodbye??

Once back in the apartment I find it empty and dark, minus the dogs.

This is fairly strange considering the fact the girls and I had plans tonight.

I unpack my stuff and am about to ge tin bed until my phone rings, checking the caller ID it signals a call from Lauren.

"Hello?" I ask, confusion apparent.

"Lily? It's Lauren you need to take a cab to the hospital. Like now." Her voice is soft and I hear yelling in the back round.

Harry.

"What? Whats going on?"

"It's Harry.." She sobs and the yelling and screaming continues. I drop my phone to the floor and am out of the apartment in three seconds.

Notes