I Understand. An AU/punk story.

The moment you have all been waiting for...

I give you.....

Harry's P.O.V.

It's a wall.

A white one.

With little swirls that the texture made when sprayed on.

I would know.

I've been staring at it for three weeks.

She's gone... Long gone. And it's no ones fault but my own.

I hate her for it.

I hate her for being so headstrong and so right..

I hate myself for hating her...

She deserves to be happy with out me.

Even though I know shes not.

Even though I don't want her to be happy without me.

But I won't think about ti anymore.. I'm not the kind to think about it after. I'm just supposed to not care, just forget, move on, get over it.

But how am I supposed to not care shes in bed with another man.

Just forget the tears I caused her?

Move on from every one of those memories.

Get over my Lilian?

How?

I can't.

I hate myself for getting so attached.

And I hate her for being herself, getting her to love me.

I hate me twice as much for hating her for doing what she thinks best...

"Harold. Get up."

I hope to never see her again..

Yet, I wan't her to come back right now. Right back to home where she belongs.

"I mean it. Now."

I hate myself. I mean I do... I was disgusted with myself before. But now>

Self loathing.

"Oi, Hazz!"

These people obviously didn't understand I didn't want anything to do with them right now. Someone comes to my bed and rips the blanket off of me. Like I care. I deserve to be cold.

Someone walks to the side of my bed and leans in front of me.

"Harry.." Lauren says softly. I feel bad for putting her through this... But I can't help it. "Please get out of bed. Please?" She whispers. I stare through her at the wall. "Can you give us a minute?" She says to our friends, feet shuffle and the door closes. Here comes the guilt trip....

"Harry. I'm calling your dad and mom tonight."

OK. Not what I expected.

"Excuse me?" I growl. I haven't talked in days and my voice is shit.

"I'm worried. We are all and I don't know what else to do.." She whispers, eyes watering, lip quivering...

"You wouldn't."

"I would and I'm going to unless you stop this."

"Do you think it's really that easy? Just. Stop. Stop? Really? Stop loving her?" I ask in disbelief.

"Harry.."

"Go. Just leave me if that's how you're going to go about this." I snap, rolling on my back.

"That's not fair! I don't know what to do to help you, Harry! You're falling a part!"

"If you call them -"

"I swear to god I will! I'll do it right now! You need to get over her or go get her!" She screams, tears flowing down her face. I felt like crying... I always feel like crying nowadays...

But I don't want to see my 'parents,' not ever again. Both are terrible and both are cruel and both make me feel too much guilt and sadness. And I can't handle that right now.

I get up, ignoring her desperate cries and stomp to the bathroom. Slamming the door behind me. Walking to the mirror, seeing my damn reflection.. it pushes me over the edge...

Looking at myself, the gravity of my loss weighs down on me and I'm drowning.

And for the first time. She's not here to save me.

And. It's. All. My. Fault.

I let out a angry scream and deliver a punch straight to the glass of my mother fucking reflection.

They're pounding on the door in the next three seconds but I locked the door.

Separating me from the rest of the world.

I don't bother assessing the damage of my gushing hand. No point.

I strip the cloth of my back and turn the water on cold. Going to the showers.

Memories of her and I in here.

Her cute little embarrassed giggle

The amazing little nose crinkle when she pretended to pout

Her flawless body

Her pure soul and heart.

No longer.

None of it.

I didn't realize how much I loved her until right now.

Perri's P.O.V.

"Can you give us a minute?" Lauren asks, kneeling next to him. I nod and usher everyone out...

I can't understand how things could have gone so bad, so fast. And honestly? Everyone is getting real fucked up and I am the only near sane one left...

As soon as she left. The minute she was out of sight.. it fell to shit.

Harry disappeared for three days. Gone. Cellphone disconnected. Zayn found him in a pile of trash, piss drunk on the bad part of town. Dragged him home, dropped him in bed and called the gang.

He was on our little house arrest for the next week.

Since Zayn was the only one capable of controlling Harry, Niall was forced to take care of the Bowling Alley and gang business... Unfortunately, the weasel of a 'friend,' came back. A.K.A. The boys drugs dealer... Niall bought four lines right on the dot. Since Niall started, Rae obviously founded. Unfortunately, once again, to piss him off for lying to her. She did a line. Now their both on it.

Lauren cries every five minutes, devastated for her cousin. She keeps saying that he's never been this bad and I believe her. He's a fucking zombie. Drinks and lays there. For days. Since Lauren has been off of it, Liam has been going just as crazy trying to make her happy. She pushes him away in frustration and it gets the sensitive boy even more upset. There fore he pushes harder to be close to her, the cycle repeats until it escalates in to a huge screaming fest. This making Liam loathe Harry. Saying he's a baby and needs to face his mistakes.

Zayn is a disaster too. Just wanting his friends back to normal, he's been blaming himself and pushing me away and everything is just shit. Lauren is bipolar, Zayn's even more quiet, Liam's being an ass, Niall's on the the drugs again, and Rae is following suite like a little pup. Then there's Harry.... but you know how he's doing..

It leaves me. All up to me.

As soon as the door closes everyone is silent, not sure what to say, annoyed with the presence of each other. It's tearing the gang a part. It's tearing our relationships apart, and it's tearing our friendships apart.

And it's all because of one pretty little girl who's probably losing her shit too.

As I ponder we hear a scream and glass breaking.

Lauren's screaming and pounding sounds in to the living room. We run in to the bedroom and find her a sobbing mess at the foot of the bathroom floor....

I need to fix this.

After he finally gets out of the bathroom, Liam try's to kick his ass. Sick and tired of him making Lauren upset. He knows as well as I do this breakup is hurting everyone. Harry doesn't even defend himself. His green eyes almost brown and glazed over. Zayn rips him off, resulting in a fight between the two of them which I'm forced to pull apart.

Harry's shivering and blue and his hand is bleeding profusely. We force him in to my car and bring him to the hospital. His already scarred hands get stitched.

Once he's done we go back to his place. Sitting him in the living room he looks through us as we start to confront him. Of course it leads to a terrible screaming match between all of us, disclosing myself.

That's when I lose it.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTHS!" I shriek, standing up, balling my hands, hot angry tears streaming down. Everyone freezes and gapes, even Harry shows an ounce of emotion for the first time in weeks and raises his eyebrows in amusement. "JUST STOP IT ALREADY! I'M DONE WITH THIS! LOOK AT WHATS HAPPENING TO US! WE ARE ALL WE HAVE AND WE'RE RUINING IT!"

"OH YEAH BECUASE YOU'RE SO INNOCENT IN ALL OF THIS!" Rae screams back, coming up to me. Her eyes are bloodshot from the drugs, framed by big black bags and pale skin. I look at her in disgust, for the first time since i have known my bestfriend I'm sick of looking at her. I take back my hand and slap her right cheek, snapping her head to the side.

"Alright lets start with you!" I hiss as she stares in shock. She knows better than to hit me back. I could kill the twig and we all knew it. "Stop. No I'm rephrasing that. You are going to stop with the drugs. Or your ass in on the street. Try me, You look like a fucking fool!" I snap, holding my finger up in a strict manner.

"YOU!" I whip to face Niall who looks terrefied. "How dare you get my best friend and your girlfriend incolved with those people and that terrible addiction! You should be ashamed of yourself. And if I didn't know you better I would kick your fucking ass. You're done with the Bowling Alley until you're clean again. If it happens, you're out of the gang." His jaw drops and he nods quickly, knowing I mean my words. I couldn't kick him out of the gang but I liked to think I could...

"YOU!" I yell, turning to Lauren. "Get your shit together. Harry is hurt. But he is in fact being a baby and you are not his mother and your letting it ruin your relationship which is causing everyone anger! You need to give Harry his space and calm your fucking tits!" I say slowly, letting it sink in.

"Liam!" I soften my voice as I turn to him. "I know you love her, we all do. But trying to kill harry every time he gets upset does nothing for you. And I know he's being a pain but he's hurt. Think about if it was you who lost Lauren.." I trail off, he heads his head in shame.

"Zayn.." I turn to my beautiful boyfriend, his eyes dark and sad, we missed each other.. It hasn't been the same since Harry started losing control again. "I love you but this is getting hard for me and I feel like you don't care and don't appreciate me anymore and I hate it." I say softly. Before he answers I turn to Harry..

"Harold.." He looks at me briefly. "Win her bakc or get over it." I state simple. He laughs.

Laughs.

First time in three weeks.

"Like you're in charge of me... Riiight." He chuckles darkly.

OK. I'm done with this shit.

"OK. Well I'm calling Lily." state with a smirk. His jaw drops. He hasn't heard her name in weeks.

"You bett -"

I take out my cell and hit three on my speed dial and pop on speaker phone with a smirk while he watches in horror. Louis answers his cell, since I know Lily won't answer.

Lou's voice breaks the silence. Harry literally falls out of the chair at my feet.

I demand to speak to Lilian and after some cursing I hear the rustle.

"Hang up." Harry says deeply, getting to his feet. I jerk the phone from his reach as he comes at me.

"H-Hello?" She whipers. Her voice sends something in to Harry and he goes in to a mini comma staring like a scared little boy as his woman stutters through speaker phone.

"WOW LOOK WHO"S ALIVE! I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" I shriek in to the phone, my anger returning from her voice.

"Pez.." But my anger is soon replaced by sadness as she uses my nickname. No. Be strong. You need to fix this. Be strong.

"NO! I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR YOU SINCE DAY ONE SO HAS RAE AND SO HAS LAUREN! AND NOW WHAT? YOU JUST DISAPPEAR. I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK! WE ALL HAVE! INCLUDING HARRY!" Harry yells like a growling dog and lunges at me. I ignore him and walk behind Zayn. Harry reaches behind me desperately, trying to end the call and stop the conflict that's about to happen but he;s restrained by my boy toy with one arm.


"AND THEN I FIND OUT YOUR SHACKING UP WITH LOUIS AND HIS NEW GANG? WHAT THE HELL, LILY?" OK, I felt guilty for that one but I needed to get this shit in order.

"I'm sorry... I've been out of it..." My heart brakes at the pain in her voice but hurting her was the only way to bring her back. I really did miss my best friend. Harry's eyes flash a streak of pain and guilt at her tiny voice... That just sends me over the edge. I start bawling in to the phone.

"I don't give a fuck! I have been worried to death! I have called you a billion times, Harry has literally lost his shit! You need to come home and fix this!"

"He did what he did. I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for ignoring you... I.. I.. Like I said have been... off." Harry's eyes drop but I don't miss the immediate watering. He drops on to the couch and drops his face in to his hands. I meet him in the couch and wrap an arm around his shoulder "I'm not speaking to him and until I know he won't be around I won't be going back there." She concludes, her voice sounding a little more secure making it hurt ten times more. She could not give up on him. Harry lets a strange gargle come through his throat as he wipes his eyes, dropping his head in to my shoulder, hiding the tears.

"You know you and Harry belong together!" I hiss, trying to gain leverage, knowing I'm losing. Harry stands up and reaches for the phone again, his eyes red and cheeks wet.

"Hang up the fucking phone! She hates me why don't you get that!?" He hisses.

"Wow. I can not believe you." I snap at her, doesn't she see what she's doing? Nope. Because she's hiding like a baby. I shake my head as she hangs up. I drop my phone and my head as everyone watches Harry freak.

He screams and kicks the coffee table over before going to the kitchen, grabbing the silver ware drawer out and chucking the wood at the wall, sending silver everywhere.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" Harry screams, his eyes are black but I'm not afraid. He drops on to the floor on his knees and rips at his hair. I wipe my eyes, shrug out of Zayn's attempt to grab me and go to Harry. Dropping down in front of him.

"We're going to get her back. We need her and she belongs here."

Notes

this chapter is confusing sorry!!!