Author's Note
I'm Birdie
rate: 4
I read chapter 1-7.
In your summary, please DO NOT say "Hi! My name is....
When I start your story I want to find out myself. The summary is a summary of what is going to happen. I want to find out Brittany has a lot of friends while I'm reading and that she's bitchy. Also, don't tell me flat out that Harry has feelings for her. We will find that out while reading!
Again, in the first chapter you are giving me description of characters when I want to find out myself. Also, one big paragraph is a turn off. When I see that, I don't want to read it. It hurts me eyes! In the third chapter you are, for the third/fourth time, giving us a summary of who Birdie is. I know she is telling the boys about herself but it also comes off like she is reading from a piece of paper. If someone asks you about yourself, are you going to speak how Birdie does? She sounds robotic and it's more of a statement rather than her feelings.
We know Birdie doesn't like Brittany but her first encounter is.....strange to say the least. It took my fifteen or less seconds to read it and she's been slapped? Would she really say those things? It was way too rushed and extremely unrealistic. The other chapters with Brittany are the same. If she hates her so much, why is she around her? All of the slapping and hitting should be stated if it's going to happen.
I would look at those things and try to work with them. They are very easy to fix just by deleting a few paragraphs; especially your summary. I would revisit how your characters are speaking. I have recently found myself not giving enough description and I'm working on it now! I want to read the characters feelings, not statements.
I think if you take some of this into consideration it will flow a lot better and capture your audience.
-A
I read chapter 1-7.
In your summary, please DO NOT say "Hi! My name is....
When I start your story I want to find out myself. The summary is a summary of what is going to happen. I want to find out Brittany has a lot of friends while I'm reading and that she's bitchy. Also, don't tell me flat out that Harry has feelings for her. We will find that out while reading!
Again, in the first chapter you are giving me description of characters when I want to find out myself. Also, one big paragraph is a turn off. When I see that, I don't want to read it. It hurts me eyes! In the third chapter you are, for the third/fourth time, giving us a summary of who Birdie is. I know she is telling the boys about herself but it also comes off like she is reading from a piece of paper. If someone asks you about yourself, are you going to speak how Birdie does? She sounds robotic and it's more of a statement rather than her feelings.
We know Birdie doesn't like Brittany but her first encounter is.....strange to say the least. It took my fifteen or less seconds to read it and she's been slapped? Would she really say those things? It was way too rushed and extremely unrealistic. The other chapters with Brittany are the same. If she hates her so much, why is she around her? All of the slapping and hitting should be stated if it's going to happen.
I would look at those things and try to work with them. They are very easy to fix just by deleting a few paragraphs; especially your summary. I would revisit how your characters are speaking. I have recently found myself not giving enough description and I'm working on it now! I want to read the characters feelings, not statements.
I think if you take some of this into consideration it will flow a lot better and capture your audience.
-A
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16