rate: 6
grammar: okay
idea: -

So your story is similar to a lot. The plot is very predictable when I began reading it. They feel tension and then end up together. Now, there are ways to make it more interesting with a big plot but as the first few chapters it just isn't quite capturing me as a reader. I think the hardest thing for me was getting through the long paragraph. There was no separation between any of the dialogue or thoughts of the characters.

I see that it's frustrating not having many subscribers but knowing the things above should help you! To begin with, separate your paragraphs. When I open a story, I don't want to see one huge paragraph. When I see that I normally just go back to the main page because it's too hard for me to read. Here is the first chapter of your story. This is how you should make it look:

"Emma, hurry up!" my best friend Julie said.

"You are the one who made me wear these stupid high heels," I replied while trying to walk over to where she stood giving me an impatient look.

"Oh please," she said laughing," they are only like 3 inches tall. I'm the one wearing the 5 inch tall stilettos!"

"Only cause Niall said they made your legs look good," I teased. She blushed and started walking again now that I caught up with her.

"Hey nobody said it was a crime to try and make your boyfriend wanna take off your clothes and see what comes after your legs," she said winking at me.

We were silent for a second before we burst out laughing. We were on our way to Niall's flat cause he was having a party. We talked as we walked and when we got to his place she knocked on the door. We could hear the music all the way outside. Niall answered the door and said hey but trailed off when he saw Julie. His mouth formed an O.

"Wow! You look hot!" he finally managed to say.

Honestly she did. She was wearing a shimmery aqua minidress that clung to all her curves and barely covered her butt. She told me she was planning on doing it with for the first time tonight. I inwardly sighed. I wish a boy would look at me like Niall looks at Julie. Not likely to happen though. I'm plain. I've got brown hair and brown eyes. My parents should have named me Jane cause I'm just a plain Jane. I'd only gone on like 9 dates in my whole life. I'm totally unexperienced. The most I've ever done was make out with someone while Julie's done everything under the sun. I'm pretty sure a few things were illegal too.

Julie pulled me out of my thoughts and back to the present by nudging my arm.

"Come on daydreamer lets go find some of our friends," she said.

I followed her into the living room where we saw Liam, Amy, Louis, Penny, and Harry. I saw Harry and my heart sped up which made me irritated cause I can't stand him and he can't stand me so why the heck was I so attracted to him? He had that cute yet so freaking annoying smirk on his face. Julie and I walked over and sat next to Louis who had Penny on his lap.

"Hey guys," Julie said.

"Where's Niall?" Amy asked. She was sprawled out on one of the couches with her head in Liam's lap.

"He had to go talk to someone but he said he'd be back in a few," I told them.

I peeked at Harry wondering why he hadn't said anything rude to me since for some stupid reason he always did. He was staring at me with this really weird look on his face. "Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked as I started to get self conscious cause I was wearing a really short dress Julie had made me wear and I had no idea what could possibly be running through his mind.

"Like what?" he asked with his voice full of fake innocence.

"Forget it," I said not wanting to get in an argument. He smirked. "Oh for crying out loud would you wipe that stupid smirk of your face!" I said angrily, forgetting my earlier thought of not wanting to get in a fight.

I got up and had started storming off when he grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto his lap. I realized Julie and the others had left. Probably to go make out somewhere but at the moment all I thought was I know none if the people in this room other than Harry and I am sitting on his lap looking at me with his beautiful eyes that are really serious right now. I think I kinda knew what he was going to do next and I was totally right. He leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

I can almost guarantee you a few more subscribers just by making your dialogue look similar to this. I didn't change any of the words....I just separated it. If you read it again you'll see it's much easier to see who is talking and what they're doing. You do have great detail, it's just hard to see when it's so clustered.

I hope this didn't sound mean, I really just want you to improve and possibly gain some subscribers! If you need anymore grammatical help I'd love to work with you!

Notes