Author's Note
I Said Leave
rate: 9
grammar: good
idea: =
I read up to chapter 13 and so far it's a bit similar to other stories. I've read a lot of stories that start with the girl getting hurt/blacking out and one of the boys finding her but as I kept reading it turned out a little different. Your grammar is pretty good but work on the way you make your dialogue when people are speaking. Some paragraphs you are adding multiple characters speaking and it can get confusing. Also, when showing a text, make sure you don't put it with the paragraphs. I think you only did that once or twice but make sure to exclude it.
Last thing is to try and make your chapters a little longer. Maybe you can add more detail, such as the car rides, rather than cut it out. Even if the car ride is silent! For example,
I sat shotgun with Harry driving. Once I sat I debated if I should be sitting in front with him considering I may have some feelings for Niall. When he looked at me with his cute smile and green eyes I couldn't help but think this was perfectly fine with me. I smiled back but turned quickly as I began to blush. Harry's cute, but that's all there is to it.
I don't know your characters that well but that's just an example.
Or you can just combine two of your chapters. If you don't make the chapters longer it isn't that big of a deal but it gives the reader something to really look forward to. I know when I see a chapter the first thing I look at is the scroll bar. The longer it is, the more excited I become!
Oh! Last, last thing! I would really consider not including your intro. All of those things you mentioned should be included in your story rather than telling everyone her whole situation before it starts. We should find out about her anorexia when she won't eat something. We should find out her parents died when she is talking with Niall or one of the other guys. It gives your story more substance and it makes the story more interesting rather than reading your intro and being like "okay now I know exactly what's wrong with her". Leave us guessing!
You're on a great start for your first story and if you make a few changes like these I guarantee you'll gain more subscribers! Great job so far!
grammar: good
idea: =
I read up to chapter 13 and so far it's a bit similar to other stories. I've read a lot of stories that start with the girl getting hurt/blacking out and one of the boys finding her but as I kept reading it turned out a little different. Your grammar is pretty good but work on the way you make your dialogue when people are speaking. Some paragraphs you are adding multiple characters speaking and it can get confusing. Also, when showing a text, make sure you don't put it with the paragraphs. I think you only did that once or twice but make sure to exclude it.
Last thing is to try and make your chapters a little longer. Maybe you can add more detail, such as the car rides, rather than cut it out. Even if the car ride is silent! For example,
I sat shotgun with Harry driving. Once I sat I debated if I should be sitting in front with him considering I may have some feelings for Niall. When he looked at me with his cute smile and green eyes I couldn't help but think this was perfectly fine with me. I smiled back but turned quickly as I began to blush. Harry's cute, but that's all there is to it.
I don't know your characters that well but that's just an example.
Or you can just combine two of your chapters. If you don't make the chapters longer it isn't that big of a deal but it gives the reader something to really look forward to. I know when I see a chapter the first thing I look at is the scroll bar. The longer it is, the more excited I become!
Oh! Last, last thing! I would really consider not including your intro. All of those things you mentioned should be included in your story rather than telling everyone her whole situation before it starts. We should find out about her anorexia when she won't eat something. We should find out her parents died when she is talking with Niall or one of the other guys. It gives your story more substance and it makes the story more interesting rather than reading your intro and being like "okay now I know exactly what's wrong with her". Leave us guessing!
You're on a great start for your first story and if you make a few changes like these I guarantee you'll gain more subscribers! Great job so far!
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16