Author's Note

Hello, sorry it took a few days but here it is!

I think you have a great amount of detail and your first chapter definitely pulls the reader in! I didn't want to stop after the first chapter which is really great! As I continued reading I noticed how you gave small amounts of detail about the characters at different times rather than all at once which is perfect. Giving every single detail at once isn't good because then the reader knows everything within a paragraph. Because you have spread out the detail you have given your characters depth so good job on that!

This also leads me to the detail you have. I know where I am and what's going on around me but you can always add more. What am I smelling, how am I feeling? You're doing great with that but more is even better! I also love that you give quotes that pertain to the chapter. That's awesome because it's a small bit that the reader can have to begin comprehending what the chapter is about.

For flashbacks I would suggests turning those paragraphs into italics just so your reader knows what is in the past and what is the now. That is just a little thing to think about along with using links for clothing. It's always nice to be able to see the outfit but I want you to explain it as if the link isn't there. And if you aren't feeling up to describing each bit of the clothing just give us a color. "Her blue shirt was the perfect size." Now we have a blue shirt rather than just a link for a shirt.

Going back to detail, there is also a thing as having too much. Now describing a scene is one thing but sometimes you can cut out an entire paragraph to get straight to the point. The best example would be when she's reading Twilight. We don't need to know each and every thing because people will skim and you don't want your reader to skim. Definitely mention that she is reading Twilight because that gives your character more depth but if you were to leave that section out the chapter would have been just as good. And know this isn't just you! This happens to me a lot so I have to go back and say, "do my readers really care?" It happens a lot so just really pay attention to those things. Ask yourself if you would want to read it.

The last point just goes back to your characters. One, I love what you have given me because I know so much about them and you have made it seem effortless. You made it so I really care about them. However, you have to make sure your characters stick to who they are. Yes, people can be all over the place emotionally but sometimes Lucy and Harry give me whip lash. You have to make sure they are individuals and don't have every trait in the world. Lucy was pissed about Harry in the beginning and then they were okay and then she was pissed again. Make sure you have a happy medium. Does she like him or not? Let us know even if it's subtle. They don't quite know each other well enough for the way they treat each other.

I'm really liking what you have so far and my favorite part is that I care about what is happening to your characters. When Lucy is mad, I'm mad. When Harry is being sweet, I smile. That is one of the most important things you can do within a story. So great job and keep it up! These are just some thoughts and if you have anymore questions please ask!

-A

Notes