Author's Note

This took forever; I know and I'm super sorry!

So I have a few different things for you to look at. A few things are minor and a few are a little bigger but nonetheless, here they are:

Numbers
Try to spell out the little numbers. I usually spell out all of my numbers unless it's a weird number like 7:59. If it's 1-10 I would definitely spell it out but it's your decision for the rest. I think it just looks nicer but it can be a preference.

Pictures
Don't rely on links! I want you to describe to me what they are wearing. Of course the pictures are always fun but don't say, "she's wearing this." Tell me her high heels will eventually kill her feet by the end of the night and her flowing, laced skirt was a little too short for her liking. See? I know you're picturing it right now! It's as simple as that!

Dot...dot....dot
You don't need all the .....! Just use periods and if you want a thought to trail away, just say it. For example:

Woah…when did THE Niall Horan move into my building. Ok…Lia…Stay Calm….Stay Calm…

Instead, try something like this:

Woah, when did THE Niall Horan move into my building? "Okay," I tried to slow down my breathing, "Lia, stay calm. Just stay calm," my thoughts trailed off as I took a few more breaths.

I feel like something like that will get the point across that's she's in shock and her words are slower than normal.

Detail
For the most part you tell me where we are and I can picture it. But I want more! Tell me how comfortable her bed is and how messy Niall's apartment is. I want to know what she's thinking when she's drunk. Is she just dizzy or is she completely out of it? Are her words slurred or is she capable of walking on her own? These little things do matter and they will gain you more subscribers! Pretend like you are walking us through a movie. I want all my senses involved. What does Zayn smell like when he is laying with Dana? I think what's happening is you're rushing through the chapters so you aren't adding detail.

As I run back, I see Harry’s head bouncing up the stairs.

Try:

As I run back, I see Harry’s head bouncing up the stairs. I shake my head a few times wondering if it's really him. The curls seem right and I can make out a few tattoos scattered around his body. Maybe if I could just touch him; to see if he's real? I mean, I am drunk after all. I push some hair out of my face and try my best to shake off my nerves. This is freakin' Harry Styles standing handsomely right in front of me.

There's some depth and and extra information to let us know more about the situation at hand.

Realism
Okay, this is my biggest pet peeve of all time. My saying is, this is fiction but fiction can only go so far. So let's think about this for a minute. What is the definition of One Direction?
THEY'RE ONLY THE BIGGEST BOY BAND IN THE WORLD!

Therefore, it isn't going to be as easy as you have portrayed it. If they run into them the way they did, then so be it. But cuddling, kissing, hanging out, and sleepovers aren't going to happen as quickly as you have said in your story. There needs to be some kind of build up. Maybe she meets Niall and then Zayn but I'd leave Harry out for at least a chapter or two. And they're fans! You need to make sure they still have those nerves around them. I know for a fact that if I ran into Harry Styles I would definitely try to keep cool but my hands would be shaking, my palms would be sweating, and I don't know what would happen if he even laid a hand on me. You have to remember these things because your reader, believe it or not, puts their self in your characters shoes.

That goes for the boys as well. Don't you think they would be a little hesitant with any girl? I mean, it's hard enough for them to go out in public with the girls they date now. I feel like they would want to make sure they aren't just their for their fame first. This can be easily fixed by adding a conversation. Just slow down; no need to rush!

So some positives I have for you is your structure, spelling, and grammar. You definitely have a different structure than most stories but it's consistent which is the most important. Your character descriptions are beyond perfect. They aren't too long which is always a hassle. I think the idea is nice but make sure to keep it realistic.

Overall, good job and of course, keep going! This is your work and you should always be proud of it! If you have any questions never hesitate to ask!

-A

Notes