Author's Note

Okay we have a lot to look at but the good news is that you are only three chapters in! Let's go ahead and get started! I'll start with the beginning (summary) and go through what you have (chapter three).

1. Summary
Your summary is a quote from the story, which is fine, but it is very scattered and I'm wondering if there is more to the story. You have a creepy guy in the story which we don't know much about. Maybe he should be mentioned in your summary. Remember, the summary is a short version of what your reader is going to see. With some of my stories I use quotes from my story too, just make sure they are pertinent.

2. Lyrics
I recently read over one of my stories to look for mistakes and I realized I typed out all of the lyrics to one of the songs which is a huge no-no. Don't ever type out all of the lyrics! It is unnecessary and if your reader knows the song they will skim it. It also takes a lot of time for you so just skip that part. If you want to include lyrics that's fine but give us some thoughts within the lyrics. What is she thinking about? What's the weather like? Is she driving?

3. Structure, Grammar, and Spelling
The first thing I noticed were these mistakes. I can't stress how important it is to make sure your words are spelled correctly, your letters are capitalized, and you are using correcting spacing and punctuation. It was extremely difficult for me to read through your story with all of the grammatical errors. Here are a few mistakes that you have made and I'll fix them for you.

"answer me"he yelled smacking me.i let out a sob as my cheek started to heat up. "fine I will choose"he said punching me in the gut.he moved making me fall to the ground. And started to kick me.i put my hands on my head to protect it. after awhile he just left.i just laid their curled up in a ball.soon the bell rang. I forced my self up.i ran out the school doors and limped home.when I arrived I didn't expect dad to be their.

It should look like this:
"Answer me!" he yelled, smacking me. I let out a sob as my cheek started to heat up, "fine I will choose," he said punching me in the gut. He moved, making me fall to the ground and started to kick me. I put my hands on my head to protect it. After a while he just left. I just laid their curled up in a ball. Soon the bell rang and I forced myself up. I ran out of the school doors and limped home. When I arrived I didn't expect dad to be their.

So I fixed punctuation, grammar, and spelling. This is just one paragraph though, you have a lot to fix. I will definitely go over it and help you with it if you need help. You must read over your chapters before posting them. If you need to, type your story in Word first so that it helps you with spelling.

4. Differences in Texting and Talking
You shouldn't ever abbreviate words while writing. The only time this is acceptable is when you are writing a text.
u = you
ur = your

You also shouldn't do this while having a phone conversation:
h-"'hello?"
docter"hi is this Harry styles"
h-"yes that's me"
d-"I have saige and Darcy styles here In the er they where in a very terrible car accident.".
h-"I'm on my way"I hung up the phone.

That needs to be changed immediately. Not only is it written wrong structurally, but I have no idea what is going on with the character. Give me some detail!

I ran out of the bedroom with Keira on my hip to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I said out of breath, holding the phone in one hand and Keira in the other.
"Hi, this is Doctor (name here). Am I speaking with Harry Styles?" his voice was hesitant, almost sad.
I nervously responded, "yes, that's me," I controlled my breath hoping nothing is wrong with my family. Darcy isn't home but I'm sure she's fine.
"I have Saige and Darcy Styles here in the ER," this can't be happening, "they were in a terrible car accident."
My jaw dropped as my eyes grew larger, no.
"I'm on my way," I hung up quickly, realizing my wife and daughter are in the hospital.

You shouldn't ever use 'h' or 'd'. This is a story, you should only do that during texts. It also helps when I can feel the characters emotions. Obviously Harry is extremely upset and you can tell the doctor is concerned.

5. POV
A few times I was confused as to who was speaking. I think a lot of it was because of the format but make sure you emphasize who's POV it is. Also, I would stay away from using young children POV's. I recommend only using up to three to four POV but using children isn't a good idea. Children don't think the way we do so using their POV isn't realistic.

6. And here goes my biggest pet peeve. I have made my own little quote so here it is:
"this is fiction but fiction can only go so far"

There are a few instances where things just aren't realistic. To begin with, if Saige is being bullied, there is no way she would be beat in the middle of the school day and no one noticed it. She also wouldn't be able to run home after taking a few blows to the ribs. It's just not real. Also, Seth ties Saige up and then just leaves when Louis and Liam show up? I'm a little confused but it's also unreal.

I would definitely work on those things. This is an interesting story because it's from a different view (Harry's daughter), but you need to make sure you are working on these things above. You also need to make sure you are adding enough detail to capture your reader. The car accident should have felt extremely painful for me but I didn't feel much of anything. I need you to really express the situation.

I hope this helped you out and message me if you need anything else! Happy writing!

-A

Notes