Author's Note

Hmmmm, well, I love it! Of course it's only two chapters in so I can't really give you all that much feedback so I tried to be super nitty-gritty. You'll be happy to know I've subscribed so you have another reader! Anyways, let's get started.

1. Grammar
So the structure and spelling is perfect! The only thing I would change is a little bit of grammar.
You have:
She let out a yelp, almost falling over. “Don’t scare me like that.”
It should look like this:
She let out a yelp, almost falling over, “don’t scare me like that.”
and:
She rolled her eyes, shutting her book. “What do you want?”
try:
She rolled her eyes, shutting her book, “what do you want?”

So rather than periods, use commas. You are using a quote but it's within the sentence.

2. It seems that your story is very factual right now. I learn a lot about her sister, father, and mother, but it's more like I'm reading a description of them than the actual story. When I learn about those characters I want it to be subtle rather than all at once. For instance, when you talk about Delaney, show that information rather than tell it. Instead of telling me she does all of the activities for church, show me. If you give too much information people will skim. This really only applies to Delaney though, her mother and father information is perfect where you have given it.

I really can't find anything else right now. You're only two chapters in but you've captured me! I love the detail and descriptions of the surroundings. I can see myself sitting in the pews, watching how startled both Harry and Valerie are. And it's original! Great job!
Any more questions? Messages are always welcome!

-A

Notes