Author's Note

Okay, I read through chapter 9 and I really like it! I think the title is what will capture your audience because it's very original. Looking at what I have read so far I can tell it is going to be a good one! There are only a few things to look at and most of them are super easy to fix. I'll start out with the small things and go into the larger aspects.

The first thing I'd like to talk about is your structure, grammar, and spelling. Your structure is great! You space your dialogue and paragraphs out appropriately which helps your reader know who is talking and what is going on in a way that makes our lives much easier as readers. This is very important so keep doing that! Next is grammar and spelling. Some things you really have to look out for and are some of my pet peeves:
there, their, and they're
1. I saw a cat over there in the bushes.
2. They're my best friends.
3. Their toys are big and fun to play with most of the time.

1. So the first there is used to go places, or to show where something is. It is kind of like the 'normal there', if you will.
2. 'They're' aka- 'they are' is pretty obvious. This is a contraction like 'can't' or can not, 'aren't' or are not. All of these words can be separated to make two different words.
3. 'Their' is ownership. If someone or something owns what you are talking about, you use 'their'. I think that is the trickiest 'their', but just ask yourself, when you're saying there, they're, or their, if they own what you are talking about it's 'their'.

to and too
1. I like the color blue too.
2. I have to go from work to practice.
I'm pretty sure you know the differences, just make sure you apply them. I forget the extra 'o' sometimes as well but you do it quite frequently.

Last, just watch out for minor spelling. We are human and we mess up (I do the same), just try to look over your stuff before submitting it. Sometimes you wrote 'except' when you meant 'expect' and 'defiantly' when you meant 'definitely'.

Please, please, please, don't say -skip this-, -at hotel-, etc. Instead of saying these things describe where you are. A description will also help with detail and depth. If I know what the hotel looks like, I can see your characters walking around much easier. You also say it was an expensive hotel yet your floor only has three rooms? We'll get to that later though.

Next is detail and depth.
What makes a story really, really good is the amount of detail added in the story. When I start reading and I can smell the old books, see the fat cat, and step on the slippery floor, I am a happy reader. I want to envision each detail about that room on person. The more information you give me, the better I can understand not only their surroundings but their emotions towards where they are.

What I always try to tell writers is to get me out of that white room. When a story starts, I am sitting in a white room with nothing in it except the characters in the scene. Once you tell me where I am, I'm sitting in that building (or standing) but I still have no idea what's around me. If I'm in a clothing shop, I want to know what I'm looking at. Clothes, obviously, but what kind? Am I in Macy's looking at dresses? Or am I in Journeys looking for some awesome new shoes? What does the music sound like? Is it punk rock or country? All of these little details will put me in a different environment. Now I'm okay with sitting in a white room if that's where you want me; however, I'm guessing your story takes place in a magical forest with wild flowers that smell like honey on a hot summer day.

A big thing to look at (and this is extremely hard for me too) is to not talk to me. This is like a movie, the character is expressing what is happening. Don't tell me, tell your characters. For example:

...Ash said bursting my bubble and making us both laugh while we walked through the front door.

My house was quite small, it was one story with three bedrooms and one bathroom but it never really fazed me because my two young sisters shared a room which meant i get a room to myself, granted its the smallest room of the house but I don't really mind. My house is in a small suburb of Wellington, New Zealand. The suburb is called Wainuiomata, I know stupid name right?

Do you see how you're telling me? I want to understand how your character is expressing this to another character OR, make it in a way that doesn't seem too narrative. Maybe something like this:

...Ash said bursting my bubble and making us both laugh while we walks through the front door.

We got to my bedroom, passing the two only other bedrooms which occupied my mother and father and two younger sisters. Though my house is quite small, I don't mind; a house is a house. My house is in the suburbs of Wainuiomata, also in Wellington, New Zealand. I always felt the stretched out names were unnecessary but I guess it really doesn't matter.

That's just a suggestion and you may not even like it! It's just a preference kind of thing but try not to talk to me. I want your characters to show me.

Okay, for the finale, realism! This is my biggest pet peeve and if you've read my other reviews you will see that! My reaction to everyone: this is fiction but fiction can only be taken so far.

1. I don't understand why she's so upset about her father giving her his credit card in the first chapter. Most teenagers would be thrilled but she seems upset. I can understand her being confused but I promise, any teenager who gets their parents credit card is going to be passed excited.

2. It's unrealistic for her parents to just send her to some hotel with no explanation. What I think needs to happen is for Liam's parents (and Liam) to visit her in her home and figure the whole situation out. After that instance, going to a hotel maybe be okay but she wouldn't just be shipped there. Especially bringing Ashley along (but I'll let that slide because it is fiction).

3. Okay, Harry knocking for food is a little strange. If he is going to knock for anything I think it needs to be for possibly a towel or maybe he's trying to look for the right room. Hotels (at least where I'm from) do not have random food sitting around. Coffee, yes, but not food unless you order it (which millionaires can buy).

Those are a few I found in the first nine chapters. When writing just think, could this really happen? If it can't, how can you make it so it will? There are definitely ways around these things but it really needs to be more believable.

Overall you have a great idea and I think it's great. You are consistent with the length of your chapters and you don't rush into things! One of the worst things is rushing into a story when you have all the time in the world to write. You do a great job of not rushing and letting us get a feel for the characters. If you can carry on from these points I think you'll be in even better shape. Any questions? Just ask!

Happy writing!

Notes