Reviews & DUMB Fan-Fic Moments
"THE DEATH OF ME"
Rating: Uhm, 3?
What I thought was positive about it: Well, I liked the relationship between the MC and Liam. School Uniforms? Finally. So original you have them. Like, no other story has them, and I'm glad you do, to be honest. Love Harry's snappy remarks and comebacks. Also loving that friends-but-also-not thing going on between the MC and Pierre.
Spelling mistakes aren't too bad.
What I thought was negative:
-The summary you have, well, It's more like a prologue than a summary. For a summary, you should describe what the story is about, not a glimpse of what will be happening, for that, my friend, is called a prologue.
-Way too many commas there! I have to say, on your first chapter, I saw many punctuation mistakes!
-When I read this:
Then, I feel someone take hold of both my arms, pulling me up to my feet like I was nothing, dead weight.
I got a picture of a girl telling a story in an annoying tone for some reason with the "Then," part. Plus, I don't really think there is a thing such as dead weight, but I am assuming that it mean as if you weighed nothing?
-Didn't like that raspy voice Harry had in there. At all. In every single story I read, Harry has a fudgin' raspy voice. What, did he smoke like twenty packs of cigarettes?
- I really don't like the part where the MC said "even though it was kinda still summer." Well, uh, thanks for pointing out the obvious.
-THE LINKS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. Every single link you got on there leads right back to the top of the page. I have a lagging computer! It was not fun!
-Didn't like the Cop flirting with her. Made me think that it was going to become a story of guys trying to swoon over this MC they think is perfect in every single way possible, but isn't. Not original. At all.
-This part:
Did I mention I live with my Nana? My parents died in a car crash when I was a baby so there, now you know.
It's fine really, no point of feeling sorry for me.
Way too obvious.
I already know when the story progresses the MC's going to be crying and in tears or whatever and Harry will comfort her and they'll all live happily ever after and blahblah.
-I haven't told you yet about Liam.
That's all I have to say.
So, the MC knows she's talking to us now?
Great to know.
-Spacing mistakes aren't horrible, but still aren't good.
-When the MC meets Harry again, she says "What do you want?!"
Last time I checked, the MC called Harry over to her ._.
-Harry winks too much. Enough said.
Overall thoughts: Fast paced story with an okay plot. Lots of stories are like this, truth be told. I don't think this would be something I would read again in my own time. I mean, the first chapter didn't hook me in or anything, you know? It's kind of boring, and most of it was nothing I didn't see before.
What I think you should do: Get rid of mistakes, obviously. I honestly didn't like the plot so much, so I have no idea how it can get fixed. You're already pretty far into the story so you can't really do anything. Describe things way more than it already is, and definitely fix spacing mistakes.
Best of luck with your story!
-Ally
What I thought was positive about it: Well, I liked the relationship between the MC and Liam. School Uniforms? Finally. So original you have them. Like, no other story has them, and I'm glad you do, to be honest. Love Harry's snappy remarks and comebacks. Also loving that friends-but-also-not thing going on between the MC and Pierre.
Spelling mistakes aren't too bad.
What I thought was negative:
-The summary you have, well, It's more like a prologue than a summary. For a summary, you should describe what the story is about, not a glimpse of what will be happening, for that, my friend, is called a prologue.
-Way too many commas there! I have to say, on your first chapter, I saw many punctuation mistakes!
-When I read this:
Then, I feel someone take hold of both my arms, pulling me up to my feet like I was nothing, dead weight.
I got a picture of a girl telling a story in an annoying tone for some reason with the "Then," part. Plus, I don't really think there is a thing such as dead weight, but I am assuming that it mean as if you weighed nothing?
-Didn't like that raspy voice Harry had in there. At all. In every single story I read, Harry has a fudgin' raspy voice. What, did he smoke like twenty packs of cigarettes?
- I really don't like the part where the MC said "even though it was kinda still summer." Well, uh, thanks for pointing out the obvious.
-THE LINKS FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. Every single link you got on there leads right back to the top of the page. I have a lagging computer! It was not fun!
-Didn't like the Cop flirting with her. Made me think that it was going to become a story of guys trying to swoon over this MC they think is perfect in every single way possible, but isn't. Not original. At all.
-This part:
Did I mention I live with my Nana? My parents died in a car crash when I was a baby so there, now you know.
It's fine really, no point of feeling sorry for me.
Way too obvious.
I already know when the story progresses the MC's going to be crying and in tears or whatever and Harry will comfort her and they'll all live happily ever after and blahblah.
-I haven't told you yet about Liam.
That's all I have to say.
So, the MC knows she's talking to us now?
Great to know.
-Spacing mistakes aren't horrible, but still aren't good.
-When the MC meets Harry again, she says "What do you want?!"
Last time I checked, the MC called Harry over to her ._.
-Harry winks too much. Enough said.
Overall thoughts: Fast paced story with an okay plot. Lots of stories are like this, truth be told. I don't think this would be something I would read again in my own time. I mean, the first chapter didn't hook me in or anything, you know? It's kind of boring, and most of it was nothing I didn't see before.
What I think you should do: Get rid of mistakes, obviously. I honestly didn't like the plot so much, so I have no idea how it can get fixed. You're already pretty far into the story so you can't really do anything. Describe things way more than it already is, and definitely fix spacing mistakes.
Best of luck with your story!
-Ally
Hahaha, I have just spent the past half hour reading all your chapters. Not only is this hilarious but now I have something to look forward to!!
Subscribed and voted love <3
6/16/15