Secrets
Chapter One
"Okay Carson, I think you're ready to go home."
Finally, the words I've been waiting to hear for almost three weeks. Being stuck in a hospital for this long should be illegal, it's physically and emotionally draining. Not to mention, I was ready to go to McDonald's and order the whole freaking shop after putting up with nothing but hospital food for almost a month.
I was constantly repeating there was nothing wrong with me the minute I woke up in this bed, but apparently the doctors had plenty of evidence that I wasn't. And truth be told, no, I probably wasn't, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be stuck in here, I hate hospitals more than anything. The white halls, the silence, the sterile smell, what's not to be uncertain about? Needless to say, they kept me in here despite my best efforts to prove I didn't need to be here. But after three grueling weeks, I was finally admitted out of hospital and sent on my way home. You might even say this day was the best day of my life, simply for that matter.
Physically, I looked fine; from a distance. But mentally, I wasn't. I never really had been, since a young age my life seemed to be so difficult, so different from the other kids. I grew up and learnt to deal with it in my own way, making sure to hide my pain, and to keep it hidden; never letting it slip through the cracks. I never let people in, I couldn't. As hard as I tried, trust was a difficult notion for me, purely because no one had proven to me that I could trust them. I never let my walls crumble, on the slight chance they could be bluffing. I pushed people away, because I wouldn't let them in, and eventually, I was alone. The loneliness became my best friend, it was my safe haven, and I found it very difficult to leave.
"What do you want?" My mum asked, pulling up to the speaker at the McDonald's drive thru.
"Anything, just food."
"You're going to have to be more specific than that."
"Um, just a large double cheese burger meal, with a chocolate thicksake and..." I trailed off contemplating, "A six pack of nuggets." I finished smiling at my mother.
"Just?" She said laughing, and repeated my order to the person in the window.
"Oh! And a oreo McFlurry please." I said batting my eyes at her.
"And where do you think you're going to put it all?"
"Trust me, I have room."
She just shook her head, adding my ice cream to the order, driving along to pay for the meal and making her way to the collection window. After a, clearly put on, smile and 'have a nice day' my mum handed me the bag and I dove straight in. My stomach growled in desperation as that all too farmilar greasy, fast food smell made it's way up to my nose. I grabbed a handful of fries, shoving them into my mouth like it was the last meal I would ever eat. The salty greasiness satisfied my tastebuds, and relieved the stale taste that had remained after eating nothing but hospital food. I washed the mouthful down with chocolate shake, resting into the seat glad to finally be back in the real world.
. . .
The feeling that enveloped me when my mum drove into our driveway was strange. It seemed like this place was only something from my dreams, like I'd been here before, but not in person, yet I knew it all too well. The same grey concrete path, leading up to the white, two-story building, skirted by a small hedge and surrounded by small, beautiful gardens. My mother put a lot of her time into her gardens, making sure there was nothing about of place, and everything was perfect. It almost appeared like she placed every flower in a certain spot, angling it a certain way, like she had designed it completely by hand and not by a few seeds in the ground.
As I stepped out of the car, the floral scent of the garden wafted towards me, surrounding me. The afternoon air was warm against my skin, with a slight chill in the breeze. As I was looking around the same, beautifully coloured neighbourhood, I heard the front door crash open, only to turn around and have a bright faced girl crash into me, wrapping her arms around my waist like a vise.
"You're home! You're home!" She squealed.
"Hey Sophie." I said squeezing the 11 year old girl.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too." I said, pulling her arms from around me and knealing to her height, looking her directly in the eyes.
Her bright blue orbs, similar to my own, bore straight into mine. They had a spark to them that could only be described as excitement. Excited because her older sister was finally home. I pushed my hands through her long, naturally beautiful blonde hair, noting that it was slightly longer than last time I saw her. I remembered when mine used to be of a similar shade, but I soon died it to a bright red. Despite the age difference, we had almost identical features. If she were a few years older, she could pass as my twin.
I went to grab my bags, when my mum smiled at me, picking them up and carrying them for me. I slung my backpack over my back as Soph held tighlty onto my hand, practically dragging me inside. It looked exactly the same as it had when I left, shockingly. Not a thing had changed, the coat rack and shoe bucket where in the same place at the entrance, the same pictures remained on the walls; mostly of Sophie or myself. Even my bedroom appeared to have not been touched. As my mum brought in my bags, I sat down on the large queen-sized bed and looked around the room. The bed was still perfectly made, the fluffy purple doonas and pillows had not been disturbed, but I had noticed a fresh sheet. The same posters of bands and celebrities where plastered across my walls and my small study desk was still as neat as I had always kept it. It made me feel better knowing they hadn't been snooping around my things while I was away.
I followed my mum back downstairs, into the kitchen as she turned on the kettle, bringing two mugs down from the cupboard, adding a spoonful of coffee and sugar to each. Again, nothing appeared to be noticeably different about the kitchen. Soph came and sat next to me on a bar stool, offering me some of her M'n'Ms.
"I was thinking about tomorrow, Carson," My mum said stirring milk into the coffees, "That if you like, I could take Sophie to her concert tomorrow?" She asked handing me the coffe. I wrapped my hands around the warm mug taking a sip.
"No!" Soph protested, "I want Carson to take me!"
"She might not be up to it Soph. Remember, she only just got out of hospital."
"It's fine mum, really, I don't mind. I think that's all the more reason to take her, have some quality sister time."
"Are you sure honey?"
"Of course."
"Please mummy, pleeease?" Soph pleaded.
"Alright, I guess if you're fine with it."
"Yes!" Soph cheered, high fiving me before hopping off the bench and making her way out the kitchen doors into the lounge room.
"Are you sure you're completely okay with this Carson?" My mum pressed.
"Yeah, one hundred percent." That seemed to ease her nerves, as she smiled at me leaving the kitchen, kissing the top of my head on her way out.
Of course I was okay with it, it was just a concert with young girls most likely no older than me, what could happen? Nothing, it was perfectly safe. But I know it wasn't necessarily the concert itself my mum was worried about, but I couldn't hide at home. You're fine Car, you're totally fine. You'll never go back there again, ever.
Finally, the words I've been waiting to hear for almost three weeks. Being stuck in a hospital for this long should be illegal, it's physically and emotionally draining. Not to mention, I was ready to go to McDonald's and order the whole freaking shop after putting up with nothing but hospital food for almost a month.
I was constantly repeating there was nothing wrong with me the minute I woke up in this bed, but apparently the doctors had plenty of evidence that I wasn't. And truth be told, no, I probably wasn't, but I didn't care. I didn't want to be stuck in here, I hate hospitals more than anything. The white halls, the silence, the sterile smell, what's not to be uncertain about? Needless to say, they kept me in here despite my best efforts to prove I didn't need to be here. But after three grueling weeks, I was finally admitted out of hospital and sent on my way home. You might even say this day was the best day of my life, simply for that matter.
Physically, I looked fine; from a distance. But mentally, I wasn't. I never really had been, since a young age my life seemed to be so difficult, so different from the other kids. I grew up and learnt to deal with it in my own way, making sure to hide my pain, and to keep it hidden; never letting it slip through the cracks. I never let people in, I couldn't. As hard as I tried, trust was a difficult notion for me, purely because no one had proven to me that I could trust them. I never let my walls crumble, on the slight chance they could be bluffing. I pushed people away, because I wouldn't let them in, and eventually, I was alone. The loneliness became my best friend, it was my safe haven, and I found it very difficult to leave.
"What do you want?" My mum asked, pulling up to the speaker at the McDonald's drive thru.
"Anything, just food."
"You're going to have to be more specific than that."
"Um, just a large double cheese burger meal, with a chocolate thicksake and..." I trailed off contemplating, "A six pack of nuggets." I finished smiling at my mother.
"Just?" She said laughing, and repeated my order to the person in the window.
"Oh! And a oreo McFlurry please." I said batting my eyes at her.
"And where do you think you're going to put it all?"
"Trust me, I have room."
She just shook her head, adding my ice cream to the order, driving along to pay for the meal and making her way to the collection window. After a, clearly put on, smile and 'have a nice day' my mum handed me the bag and I dove straight in. My stomach growled in desperation as that all too farmilar greasy, fast food smell made it's way up to my nose. I grabbed a handful of fries, shoving them into my mouth like it was the last meal I would ever eat. The salty greasiness satisfied my tastebuds, and relieved the stale taste that had remained after eating nothing but hospital food. I washed the mouthful down with chocolate shake, resting into the seat glad to finally be back in the real world.
. . .
The feeling that enveloped me when my mum drove into our driveway was strange. It seemed like this place was only something from my dreams, like I'd been here before, but not in person, yet I knew it all too well. The same grey concrete path, leading up to the white, two-story building, skirted by a small hedge and surrounded by small, beautiful gardens. My mother put a lot of her time into her gardens, making sure there was nothing about of place, and everything was perfect. It almost appeared like she placed every flower in a certain spot, angling it a certain way, like she had designed it completely by hand and not by a few seeds in the ground.
As I stepped out of the car, the floral scent of the garden wafted towards me, surrounding me. The afternoon air was warm against my skin, with a slight chill in the breeze. As I was looking around the same, beautifully coloured neighbourhood, I heard the front door crash open, only to turn around and have a bright faced girl crash into me, wrapping her arms around my waist like a vise.
"You're home! You're home!" She squealed.
"Hey Sophie." I said squeezing the 11 year old girl.
"I missed you."
"I missed you too." I said, pulling her arms from around me and knealing to her height, looking her directly in the eyes.
Her bright blue orbs, similar to my own, bore straight into mine. They had a spark to them that could only be described as excitement. Excited because her older sister was finally home. I pushed my hands through her long, naturally beautiful blonde hair, noting that it was slightly longer than last time I saw her. I remembered when mine used to be of a similar shade, but I soon died it to a bright red. Despite the age difference, we had almost identical features. If she were a few years older, she could pass as my twin.
I went to grab my bags, when my mum smiled at me, picking them up and carrying them for me. I slung my backpack over my back as Soph held tighlty onto my hand, practically dragging me inside. It looked exactly the same as it had when I left, shockingly. Not a thing had changed, the coat rack and shoe bucket where in the same place at the entrance, the same pictures remained on the walls; mostly of Sophie or myself. Even my bedroom appeared to have not been touched. As my mum brought in my bags, I sat down on the large queen-sized bed and looked around the room. The bed was still perfectly made, the fluffy purple doonas and pillows had not been disturbed, but I had noticed a fresh sheet. The same posters of bands and celebrities where plastered across my walls and my small study desk was still as neat as I had always kept it. It made me feel better knowing they hadn't been snooping around my things while I was away.
I followed my mum back downstairs, into the kitchen as she turned on the kettle, bringing two mugs down from the cupboard, adding a spoonful of coffee and sugar to each. Again, nothing appeared to be noticeably different about the kitchen. Soph came and sat next to me on a bar stool, offering me some of her M'n'Ms.
"I was thinking about tomorrow, Carson," My mum said stirring milk into the coffees, "That if you like, I could take Sophie to her concert tomorrow?" She asked handing me the coffe. I wrapped my hands around the warm mug taking a sip.
"No!" Soph protested, "I want Carson to take me!"
"She might not be up to it Soph. Remember, she only just got out of hospital."
"It's fine mum, really, I don't mind. I think that's all the more reason to take her, have some quality sister time."
"Are you sure honey?"
"Of course."
"Please mummy, pleeease?" Soph pleaded.
"Alright, I guess if you're fine with it."
"Yes!" Soph cheered, high fiving me before hopping off the bench and making her way out the kitchen doors into the lounge room.
"Are you sure you're completely okay with this Carson?" My mum pressed.
"Yeah, one hundred percent." That seemed to ease her nerves, as she smiled at me leaving the kitchen, kissing the top of my head on her way out.
Of course I was okay with it, it was just a concert with young girls most likely no older than me, what could happen? Nothing, it was perfectly safe. But I know it wasn't necessarily the concert itself my mum was worried about, but I couldn't hide at home. You're fine Car, you're totally fine. You'll never go back there again, ever.
